I love the community that has formed on this blog. There are several of you who are regular commenters; you have become a part of this blog family, and I feel like I know you.
Some of you come to the blog in affirmation of what I have written. I am always grateful for such encouragement. But some of you disagree with me. I gladly post your comments for two reasons. First, I want to be fair to all who take time to read my blog. Second, I am wrong sometimes and need to be corrected.
How This Story Began
Sometimes, however, you come to this blog hurting deeply. You need a place where you can be heard, and you need a place where you can share your pain without fear of retribution. That is why I allow you to comment anonymously if you so desire. My only requirement is that you enter your legitimate email in case we need to confirm that you’re not hiding behind a fake address. But we will never publish your email address.
A few years ago, I wrote a post about pastors’ spouses and what they wish they had known before they became a pastor’s spouse. The article struck a nerve. Much to my surprise, I discovered a depth and breadth of hurt of which I was unaware. I was ashamed I had been so oblivious to this pain.
The Story of Good Pastors
Please hear me clearly: Most pastors are good pastors. Most pastors are good people. Most pastors are good family persons.
But some pastors forget their priorities. They neglect their vows to their spouses. They abandon their families under the guise that they are doing God’s work. I served as a pastor of four churches. There were times that I neglected my wife and my three sons because I justified my busyness as God’s work. I was wrong, terribly wrong.
The Hurting Pastor’s Wife
As my post on pastor’s spouses became a lively conversation, I was struck by one comment in particular. Indeed, I was almost brought to tears as I read it. Here are her words without any changes, additions, or deletions:
I wish my husband would have included me in his life to be his cheerleader. I wish he would have respected my calling and ministry. I wish someone would have told me that he was going to neglect me and forget about our dreams as a married couple. Now he lives for the church. Birthdays and anniversaries do not exist in this home. I’m tired of eating dinners alone and having anniversary trips canceled because he has no interest. What does he always tell me? Oh yeah, ‘The Kingdom of God is always first.’ Now even my faith in God is at question. How could God give me a husband who is a pastor and so easily live without me? I feel stuck in this marriage. I am unfulfilled as a woman, wife, minister, and mother. Everything he promised me he has broken. I wish someone would have told me it would be this way. Then maybe I would have paid more attention to my gut feeling!”
Wow. The pain is so obvious. The hurt is so deep.
The First Ministry
When Paul was giving Timothy the qualifications of the pastor/overseer, he made a summary statement in 1 Timothy 3:5: “If anyone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of God’s church?”
Pastors often share with me the difficulty they have in balancing the priorities of family and church. But the Bible, through Paul’s words, gives us a slightly different perspective. Pastors are not choosing between two different priorities. Their family is actually their first level of ministry in the church. If they cannot minister to them well, they cannot take care of the church.
Pastors are pulled in countless directions. The demands and expectations are endless. But pastors, please don’t neglect your first ministry. Don’t neglect your family. Let every member of your family know how much you love them. Even more, show every member of your family how much you love them every day by praying with them, giving them time, listening to them, and demonstrating they are your first ministry in the church.
Satan would love to destroy your family. In God’s power, please don’t let it happen.
Posted on February 3, 2025
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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22 Comments
We will be celebrating 40 years in the ministry this year. I have had several fill time churches and several bi-vocational churches who could not afford a full time pastor. I am married to the most amazing lady in the world. She has stuck by my side through the joy of pastoring and the disappointment we have faced. As I have looked back over the years I wish I would have thought more about how she felt when we would take a call from another church. Sometimes through our excitement of a new work we can easily forget about how our wives are feeling about leaving the friendship they have made. As we are coming to the end of pastoring and will be moving into supply and interim work we have been talking about how hard it is going to be leaving this church we have been at for 12 years. Even though we are ready to make the move it is still difficult to leave the many friends and church members that have been part of our lives for years.
Thanks for posting this, Thom. My wife is a PK in addition to being a Pastor’s wife. She saw her dad (and mom) endure a number of unwarranted attacks, some from misunderstandings, most from emotionally and spiritually immature people who wanted their way on the issues at hand. My late father-in-law was not perfect by any stretch, but he grew wise with age, and when I went to him to ask for his blessing to marry his daughter, in addition to that he advised me to put my marriage and family before the church. I had a strong sense of call to ordained ministry which was confirmed by a number of godly people. But conversations with my wife during our engagement and early on in our marriage showed me her concerns and fears of me getting ordained (I was a lay youth pastor at the time).
I finally sought wisdom from a pastor whom I knew and trusted. He told me that God had called me to the covenant of marriage before He called me to ordained ministry, and that if He was calling me to ordination, the Lord would change my wife’s heart. If He wasn’t calling me to ordained ministry, the Lord would change my heart. 18 years later, my wife affirmed my call. 22 years later, I was ordained to the pastorate. I think that because I honored her above my own sense of call, and together we trusted in our great God to change one (or both) of our hearts, she felt heard, not only by the Lord, but by me. My being a pastor is still hard for her at times, and she does a lot of ministry in order to help my overall ministry (thankfully, she is an “energizer bunny” of a woman!), but she is my biggest encourager, and affirms my sense of call weekly. I am blessed. I feel one of my first ministries is to bless her.
Thanks for posting this.
David –
Your story will be an inspiration to many pastors and spouses!
My heart truly hurts for the Pastor’s wife mentioned in your blog. I, too am a pastor’s wife and I will admit there are days that I do feel the loneliness and anonymity that occasionally accompanies this role. I have to remind my husband from time of how I feel, and my husband makes a concerted effort to include me when able, or at least spend some extra time when he can. He is a bi-vocational pastor and serves two churches, with keeps him (us) extremely busy. I love our life and the opportunities the Lord has provided. It takes a lot of prayer, and some compromise. My role has grown in ways I could never have imagined, which keeps me very busy as well. I will definitely keep this Pastor’s wife in my prayers.
Thank you, Cheri.
When I [we] entered the bi-vocational circuit rider ministry, I had to set certain boundaries. Due to my Scouting addiction years before, I almost lost my wife because I had no boundaries. So we agreed to these priorities, which were communicated to our churches: 1 God comes first as it is the first and greatest commandment, My family comes second, and the church comes third. See Timothy if you have a question about that. I also posted my standard bi-weekly schedule [our regular jobs have every other Friday off for a three-day weekend]. My Friday off was used for morning office hours, but the evening was blacked out as Date Night. Sunday afternoons/ evenings were marked as Family Involved Time [we occasionally did nursing home and shut-in visits together on Sundays because my wife enjoyed it]. God blessed us. Occasionally, for a few months at a time, I would be leading two churches and my wife would cover two churches for pastors out on medical leave. Our priorities kept our home in order and we worked together with God to make it happen.
Great story, Bill.
Thank you for calling this out. Maybe we as church leaders need to challenge our expectations of what a pastor does. Instead of them doing all the ministry they should be training members and raising up new leaders ie disciple making.
It would require a different set of metrics and takes more time to “see results” but would ultimately be more effective and healthier for all participants.
And while I am at it let’s add mandatory counselling (individual and family) paid for by the churches to their pay packets.
Let’s promote healthy pastoral families instead of chewing them up and tossing them on the scrap heap.
Thank you, AnnMarie.
Thom, as a mature Husband, Pastor & Theologian, maybe you (or someone else with equal weight) could do a whole sermon/teaching for pastors, on this & put it on video {Scripture, points & application (include the Song of Solomon)]. Would some of the churches that buy “Church Answers” (or other speakers) products, get mad, take their ball & go home because their “preacher” may take time off to save his marriage & family ? Maybe, but I’d argue they’d have a better Minister (just my humble opinion). Jeff
You are so right, Jeff. Thank you.
When we were searching for an associate pastor, the man we ultimately called was being interviewed and made it very clear that his first priority in ministry was to pastor his family. He has lived up to that calling and is well-respected because if.
May his number increase, Bill.
If it were not for the intervention of God I could have been the writer of the statement you shared in this blog. I praise God that He heard my cry and that my husband loved me enough to seek counsel from a godly pastor who told him the best advice ever, “Get your planner and mark out one day a week for your spouse.” He did. Our children were also taken into consideration. They became a priority and part of our ministry…still are! That was the beginning. It actually was the beginning of a change even in the planning of church events. The consideration of family became priority. Our men needed time with their families. So much to tell but I won’t go on. THANK YOU for this blog! So needed. So MANY hurting PWs out there. I know some! Most of it is because the husband’s priorities are out of line and unbiblical. These ladies don’t know how to approach their husband so he will hear their heart.
Beth –
I am grateful to God for His intervention!
We need to love our Pastors and their families. They do not have to be at church every time the door is open. Loving their family means sometimes we need them to be with that family. Even when someone says where is the Pastor?
Hard to read but out of this ladies hurt other churches can do the right thing, by telling the Pastor, go home and celebrate that anniversary or birthday or whatever special day it is.
Thom, you present the beauty and the warts. Thank you.
Thank you, my friend.
Great blog Thom. My wife and I have done ministry together for 53 years. About 18 months ago she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I resigned my church to spend more time with her and care for her needs. She is still somewhat functional, but I know if the Lord doesn’t return we have a hard road ahead. The Lordh has been so good to us and I know He will not leave us now. Stepping away from being a Pastor has been hard for me, but it’s my privilege to care for my Bride. Pastors, your wife is your most trusted partner. Stay close to her.
So well said, Brad. My heart breaks for both of you, but I know how to pray.
Prayin’ for you, Brad
Been there. Starting out I worked hard to fill the needs of others. I work bivocational. I managed a printing company and pastored a small church. Few weekends together because Sat and Sun were days to visit and be in church. One day as my wife was getting ready to walk out the door to go to her job, she tells me she feels like she is being left behind. I COULD NOT believe what I was hearing. I thought she was on board with everything I was doing. I worked long hours at my job to to provide and long hours for God’s work to be obedient. I was stunned! Then I realized, I rarely talked to her about what I was doing. I shared vision with the church but not to her. I never asked her what and how she felt. I come to understand that My Wife had to be much higher on my priority list or I would lose her. Thank God we are healthy today.
I am thankful too, Tommy.