I am thin-skinned.
I do not like criticisms.
Perhaps many of you can say both of those statements with certitude. I know exactly how you feel. As one who has received criticisms over the years, I want to share with you personally five perspectives that have helped me deal with them. To be transparent, I don’t always focus on these perspectives. But, when I do, I find God working in me in a redemptive way.
- I deserve criticisms. My first reaction to criticism is usually defensiveness. I want to show why I am right and the critic is wrong. But the truth of the matter is I am wrong quite often. I am truly a sinner who has fallen short of God’s glory. Who I am to say, “I don’t deserve those criticisms”?
- No one made me accept this position of leadership. If you lead, you will be criticized. If you don’t want to be criticized, don’t lead. It’s easy to get excited about the fun aspects of leadership. But it comes with struggles, pain, and criticisms. Leadership is not always fun and easy.
- I need to pray for my critics. I don’t know what’s taking place in the lives of most of my critics. I don’t know their own hurts and struggles. I need to look out for the interests of others (Philippians 2:4). “Others” in that verse includes those who criticize me.
- Most criticisms last for a brief season. I should do a better job keeping the long-term perspective. I can remember too many times when I reacted viscerally to criticisms, only to forget about them in a week. Even though some of the criticisms become a part of the indelible world of blogs and social media, most are forgotten quickly.
- I need to have a better perspective of the cross. There is no trial, struggle, or criticism that comes close to the pain of the cross. My Savior suffered for me. He died for me. I should be ashamed of myself when I act like my world is falling apart because of petty criticisms.
Many of you readers are pastors and other church leaders. You get your share of criticisms. You know the pain. While I think I am unqualified to teach you anything about dealing with critics, I hope my own personal reflections have helped a bit.
And I appreciate you readers more than I could ever express adequately.
Posted on January 21, 2019
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
32 Comments
As a called and ordained pastor for 20 years I have found that criticism can come from 2 perspectives: constructive and destructive. Those who offer constructive criticism do so usually by name and with a pure motive. Those who offer criticism that destroys do so with impure motives and frequently under the guise of anonymity.
As a called pastor I find that I respond differently to each perspective.
Too many times pastors are too weak to respond to the wrong minded and cruel criticisms inflicted by unnamed persons who are willing to destroy the unity of the congregation for the satisfaction of their own agenda. I believe that these are times when the shepherd must stand strong against the wolves and thieves who would decimate the flock.
Am I perfect? No. Above criticism? Not at all. Should I pray for my critics? Absolutely, as well as with them. Can I endure the season of constructive criticism? Yes. Destructive criticism? I hope and pray that I would be strengthened by God’s ever present Spirit. Is my suffering comparable to that of the cross of Christ? Definitely not. However, the pain and suffering inflicted by critics who wish to destroy the ministry you are called to are undeniably real.
And the shepherd must be prepared to stand firm.
A post script to my last comment: it just isn’t ordained leaders who face criticism, naturally. I’m in the Episcopal Church, and in our polity the Senior Warden is often a recipient and conduit for passing on criticism. I think a study that examines how many Sr. Wardens no longer attend church after their term is up…and why….would be fruitful. I served 3 congregations with that polity in addition to some chaplaincy roles that look quite different. In those congregations I had some excellent Sr. Wardens, who came into it eyes wide open, and remained afterward, involved in the congregation. I can think of 3 separate women who did so. 2 nurses and a college professor. Of the total people though who served as Sr Warden, easily a 1/3rd stepped way back or left after the 1, 2, or 3 years were up.
“I’m only speaking the truth in love.” Usually when I heard that it was anything but love. Or those times when I was mentally in a wholly different place and didn’t see it coming. Ex: after last hymn on a Palm Sunday, with spiritual tone and mood set for the coming Holy Week, hearing from choir members “that was the worst hymn ever chosen, who chose that, how does anyone sing it.” Real, meaningful criticism comes from people who are themselves open and vulnerable; if there is emotion present it isn’t anger or rage, but sadness or yearning; the criticism comes in appropriate time, context, and most of all, relationship. What is meant by ‘criticism’ needs distinguishing from bullying, factionalism. Finally, I’ll admit, I’m one of those who if I received all As in classes in elementary school and one B+, it was that last that would get like a kernel stuck in my teeth. Ah, family of origin issues. Many of us come to ministry through some version of that fire. I’m retired; my physical and emotional and spiritual health all took a significant beating over the years. Multiple surgeries, big time stay-in-ICU for 6 days kind of stuff. Still, I did pray. I believed, and believe, that I was called, and I did people some good, or was a conduit for them to find God further…
Bless you in this phase of life and ministry, Grant.
Number 3 is always the one that gets me. We need to pray for those who persecute or criticize us. In Matthew 5:44 Jesus said, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” As a pastor, I admit that I have thin skin and I have failed way too many times as it pertains to this issue. I can get very defensive and it brings out the worst in me. I have to admit that I am only in ministry by God’s grace. Number 4 mentions that criticisms last only for a season and that is so true. I am guilty too often of mentally digging up past criticisms and that is my own failure. The hard part about criticism is not when it comes from outside of the church. It is when it comes from those closest to us in our churches and that is when it really hurts. Thanks Dr. Rainer for the reminder.
There may always be truth in criticism. I agree that I always fall short. But in my opinion, there is never a space for criticism that comes from anything other than a place of love and concern with the intention of redemption and restoration. That is just an attack in “Christian” clothing.
Thank you for the encouragement. A call to be a Pastor for some comes with the desire to be liked by everyone they shepherd. So criticism can be really hard at first. But then you have someone do really great blog posts and podcasts to help the struggling Pastor. Thanks for all you are doing for the local church!
Thank you for being a part of our community, Jeremy.
No one likes harsh criticism. However, sometimes someone is try to tell you something you may not want to hear. Sometimes the critic is a powerless person who sees you in a leadership role with the power to affect an outcome (aka a real vote) and is merely offering a suggestion. Sometimes the person in leadership has (intentionally) only considered a single viewpoint. Perhaps the leader was ordered to only consider one viewpoint. The “Go into all the world…” is one thing. The table at which the leadership sits in Christianity is quite small as is the meeting room.
I have found that when criticism comes, I can often bounce it off of a trusted fellow-worker who will keep confidences and above all, BE HONEST WITH ME.. Several times while in pastoral ministry, my mentor-friend illuminated something in my way of handling things, but he also revealed a long history of criticism in a particular critic that ultimately had to be addressed.
My friend wisely counseled me to allow others (in this case the board) deal with it in a context that was much broader than the criticism aimed at me. The result was that the person got the message and was much quieter after that encounter.
Thanks, Thomas. I am grateful for such friends and mentors who speak into our lives.
Thank you so much for this post. Love reading your blog post, but this one by far has been much needed in my life. Thank you for what you do.
My prayers for you, Justin.
I think there are times when criticism is not deserved.
In your case, you have a major critic who simply hates you and everything associated with the SBC. It’s one thing to disagree on theology, but another to attack personalities.
In that case, only #3 applies. Though I can understand if it becomes hard for you to do so with his relentless attacks.
Thanks, Mark.
No one made me accept this position of leadership. This was your statement. God called me to this position, and His calling are without repentance. Many times in my ministry I would have walked away had it not been for the calling of God upon my life. My motto become: “The work will kill you, but the calling will sustain you.” When God calls, we better go.
Well said, Dan.
Can I use that motto about calling? Those of us laity find the same level of criticism terribly frustrating even though some think it is helpful.
Thank you Dan, your comment about the call was encouraging.
Amen ????????
Agreed. If I didn’t believe God called me, I’d have quit twenty years ago.
Thank you for the perspectives. But as people say, “easier said than done.” I am experience a season of criticism after a period of blessings and it’s thrown me for a loop. I appreciate the prayers.
You are right. They can be extremely tough seasons. I am praying for you, Chris.
Our President is a good example of this daily. Thank God our Lord gives us our value and no one else.
I went through this for awhile also….I had to remember and reinforce to others that this person was receiving weekly cancer treatments, poison meant to kill cancer cells…and that can’t help affect one’s brain….I had to keep reminding people that this was not like the woman we knew, as the person we knew before the treatments would not have said or done the things she did and said…. Always look beyond the criticism.
So wise, Dian.
Look beyond the criticism before you turn inwards. Perhaps the critic is going through turmoil that is being projected onto you…
A retired priest gave me great advice when I was a curate. He said ‘ keep letters and cards of thanks in a folder (same could apply now to emails) and if you are having a bad day look through them rather than getting in to a downward spiral of negativity.’