Every pastor knows the feeling. The news may have come via email, telephone, or second-hand conversation. In some cases, the person or persons themselves told you face-to face. They are leaving your church. They may already have another church to join, or they may just be beginning the search process.
But their decision is irrevocable. It is final. You cannot persuade them otherwise.
You feel like you’ve been kicked in the gut. You try to tell yourself not to take it personally, but you do anyway. You don’t understand. You are wounded. Many times you are blindsided by their decisions.
I cannot change the reality that most pastors will experience the exodus of church members. I cannot promise that you will have a new emotional state. But I do pray that the five steps I offer will help you deal with this matter better.
- Pray immediately when you hear about the decision. The God we serve is the God of all comfort. He is the God of all wisdom. He knows our hurts and concerns even before we voice them. Before you do anything else, pray.
- Talk to the exiting church members. If they are willing, have a conversation with those who are leaving your church. Listen more than speak. Don’t be defensive. Some of the words they say may bring you pain, but allow them to speak and vent if necessary. Before the conversation ends, tell them that you will bless them in their new church. Have prayer with them, a sincere prayer for God’s best for them.
- Accept their decision. It is sometimes hard to accept that not all church members agree with our leadership and our church’s ministry. But there is no pastor, past or present, who will make every member happy. As hard as it is to accept, some church members will actually do better under leadership other than yours.
- Make corrections if needed. When I was a pastor, I listened to exiting church members tell me why they were leaving. It was almost always painful, but it was often helpful. I asked God to help me not be defensive, and to help me listen carefully to any area where I could make corrections. You know what? I sometimes learned that I could really improve areas of my ministry and life. I became a better person and a better pastor as a consequence.
- Write a nice letter about the exiting members. When I could do so in good conscience, I wrote a letter about the exiting members and gave it to them to give to their next pastor. Here is a portion of one of my letters written many years ago: Dear pastor. John and Mary Smith have chosen to join your church. May I be straightforward? Your church will be incredibly blessed by their presence and ministry. Our church was. I am grieving over their departure, but they have explained their reasons, and I accept them. Indeed, I plan to make some changes as a result of our conversations together. You will be amazed how God uses both of them in your church. John and Mary are two of the finest and godliest people I know. May God bless you and them as you grow in Christ together through the ministry of ABC Church.
Pastoral ministry has great challenges, and exiting church members are certainly among those challenges. But you can turn a difficult situation into a blessing if their departure is handled well. And you can possibly learn some lessons to prevent some others from leaving in the future.
What do you think of these five steps? What do you do when members leave your church?
Posted on September 14, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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90 Comments
I would add, “Let it go. Don’t badmouth those who have left to others.”
Thom I have a sincere question about this and have battled this for many years in the ministry. First off I have been pastoring now for 10 years now and have prayed about this. I believe that if there is a member in your church who is going to leave because “God is leading them elsewhere” or for that matter whatever reason that God in all his wisdom and knowledge would speak to the pastor first or at least speak to him also. It’s Gods church and it would seem to me that he would want there to be someone there to take that persons place in the ministry they are leaving so that there is not a gap or delay of his church functioning. God has placed us as pastors as leaders and if he spoke to them to leave couldn’t he also inform us so that we could prepare? I have experienced first hand a loss of a key couple and how badly the church is affected and they usually say God is leading them elsewhere. Recently I had to return to full time work because of a few couples that God spoke to too leave. Don’t mind at all to work but would much rather be a full time pastor without a secular job.What do you think about God speaking to the pastor also when a couple leaves? Thanks.
Thanks for your article.
I will like to add that Pastors who want to respond to their exiting members should know that before they got to the point of leaving, they must have been enduring some things to the extent that a less important issue might trigger an exit. those underlying causes if known will make the pastor a better person.
We all need to remember that most of the members of our Churches “transferred in.” That means some other Pastor had to deal with a loss in order for us to experience the gain. We should be thankful for the time we’ve had together and do all in our power to learn from whatever mistakes caused their departure. If the departing member is willing to talk we should listen intently. The tendency, however, is to try to defend ourselves, which is almost always the wrong thing to do. We must learn to be secure enough in Christ to accept their criticism and move on. We should also be grateful we get to hear their criticism first hand. It’s much more painful when it’s been shared all over town. Having served 23 years in my “first Pastorate” I can truthfully say I wish I had learned these lessons much earlier in my ministry. Yet through numerous “departures” God has helped me to gain a more “Christ-like” perspective, for which I am most grateful.
Sometimes it can be a blessing when people leave who have caused problems. Thank God for moving them out of the way. Churches and Christians go through seasons of pruning sometimes so that they can bare new fruit.
So true Michael, when someone is causing discord and being divisive a pastor must deal with this or the leaven will spread through the Church causing more and more discord, James deals with the wrong use of the tongue which can cause so much damage, and pain. But sadly when the pastor rebukes the culprit he is likely to offend someone else. There is such a danger of knock on effects when the seed of bitterness is sown among the brethren.
Amen. We hate to see people go, but sometimes it is best for the Pastor and the church as a whole.
A—-MEN!
I think that these are great existing interview and conversations w/ the person(s). The only question I would pose is what if their decision to leave has nothing to do w/ the pastor, but possibly another member in leadership was a part of it?
Good question Lemuel. That is a great point that could be added to why people leave a church. I believe as a leader we should all know if we need to make adjustments or loving bring correction to those who are in leadership under us.
At Your Service,
Mike. B
Good Stuff! Thanks for the blogs. Be encouraged MOG:-)
Brother 2 Brother Yours In Life And Death!
I, as a member that left a church, wish my ex-pastor had handled our leaving so maturely. When he asked me why we were leaving and I responded, he immediately took offense. He could not believe that we would leave and that our reasons just weren’t correct. For this reason, I was reluctant to meet with him in the first place, because I knew what his reaction would be. I did not want him to be offended or take it personally, but he was both. We weren’t the first couple to leave for the same reason so it wasn’t the first time he had heard this. Or maybe it was, as I’m not sure that the others met with him after their departure. It was an extremely difficult decision for us and wasn’t taken lightly by us, but it sure was by him. I can’t imagine him ever sending out a letter like the one mentioned although it would have been totally appropriate in our situation. Thanks for the article.
Thank you for your article.
I used to be hurt when I had members of my Youth or College & Career groups leave us for another ministry. As time went on, and as I would hear or see great changes in some of their lives, I began to look at their leaving in a different light. My mindset changed even more when Youth and College & Career would come to my group after leaving another church.
What I started doing was accepting the fact that God can move people to places where they can be ministered to in a way the other church/group was not able to minister to them or meet some need in their lives.
I also learned that I cannot meet everyone’s needs. I cannot be all things for all people in the sense that I cannot be the minister everyone wants me to be nor can I do what everyone wants me to do. I cannot change what God has called me to do or the way He has gifted me to minister. By this I mean I cannot try and be Charles Stanley, David Platt, or someone else. If I try to be them then I am lying about who I am. And while I can grow and change the way I do some things, and this happens and always will happen, I must be me and not try to be someone else.
I’ve had a few people complain, that now as a Pastor, about my playing the Bass Guitar in the praise band. They feel I am there to preach not be a band member. However, the vast majority of the church likes the fact that I play and it encourages them that I take part in the music ministry. Since I cannot sing a lick, I love playing because it allows me to worship in a way that I feel I am contributing to the church and it really feels good to worship! I can sing and no one can hear me which also makes me feel great! LOL
So for me, unless I know of a number of people wanting to leave for some all inclusive reason, I let them know I will miss them but I know that God has something for them that I could not give. I praise God for what He will do in their lives.
A timely article. In recent months, We’ve had two key families leave our church. The first was the chairman of the search committee that helped bring me to the church 10 years ago. This fine brother has been on mission trips with me all over the world. He is a godly man. And because of this positive history, this one blindsided me. I was devastated. Interestingly, the way he handled it was to just “be gone.” No phone call, email, or personal meeting…just gone. It took three emails from me before he finally replied. Very little explanation. When I asked him to meet with me, via email he said, “I am not willing to meet with you. I would find that uncomfortable. I also feel no need to defend our decisions to you.” (When did I become the enemy?!) So I sent him a gracious reply, telling him I loved him, and I sending my blessings with him. READING BETWEEN THE LINES: My best guess on what happened…His wife is the problem (something which he, the husband, would never say). His wife is very abrasive; as a result, she has almost no relationships in the church. Sad.
In the second scenario, the husband sent me not one, not two, but three very angry emails totally six pages in length. For this man, everything is my fault. He spewed anger regarding my leadership, my character, doctrinal issues, and relational issues. The sad part is that for the last five years, I have invested untold hours in this man’s life, personally discipling him. In fact, he came to salvation as part of the ministries of our church. At one point, he was near death in a local hospital and both I and the church loved him, supported him, and prayed for him consistently. As he departed, not one word of thanks, appreciation, or acknowledgment of ministry extended to him and his family. Just a spewing of anger. Conclusion: This is one angry man.
My conclusions: Serve Jesus. Love people. But do what you do for Jesus.
Joe, your last statement says it all. Great word!
All scenarios that we all endure I would think. And for someone not to feel pain, especially when the “leaver” won’t admit the real reason(s) only makes it harder.
I feel that in our scramble to keep our jobs by seeing the church grow we sacrifice teaching the sovereignty of God in place every member in the church “as He wills”. I told our church a couple of weeks ago that I’ve searched the Bible and can’t find “The Church Hop” listed as a dance anywhere.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpdPXfbQBRg