Five Secrets Pastors Refuse to Tell

By their very nature, pastors are a confidential lot. They counsel numbers of people who share their deepest secrets and problems. They know things about families that could hurt and embarrass them if they shared information freely. So pastors tend to keep secrets and confidential information well. In most cases, you can feel comfortable that your confidence will not be breached when you talk to a pastor.

But most people don’t realize pastors have their own secrets. These spiritual leaders refuse to share their thoughts or pains for fear that their own ministries will be damaged.

So they keep the secrets.

And they hold the pain to themselves.

As I have spoken to pastors across the land, many have confided in me their hurts and secrets. I don’t think they would mind that I share these secrets with you, as long as I don’t identify them with any one pastor by name.

  1. “My marriage is struggling.”
    Pastors are on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Oftentimes family meals are interrupted by a call. A planned date with a wife is put on hold because of an emergency related to a church member. Pastors’ wives sometimes wonder if their husbands are married to them or to the church. Resentment and marital fights are not uncommon.
     
  2. “I fear my kids will grow up hating the church.”
    One pastor told me in tears the story of a church member criticizing the pastor’s wife to the pastor in front of his 12-year-old son. The young boy went home insisting he hated the church and never wanted to return. Children are often exposed to the dark side of church life. Pastors worry that they won’t recover.
     
  3. “I let a handful of critics control me.”
    These pastors wish the squeaky wheel didn’t always get oiled, but such is the reality in many churches. “If I ignore them (the critics), “ one pastor told me, “they will make life miserable for me and my family. Sometimes it’s just best to give them their way.”
     
  4. “I often have anger toward the supportive church members who don’t defend me to my critics.”
    “It’s not my critics who bother me personally,” the pastor shared with me. “It’s the so-called supportive members who refuse to come to my defense when I’m attacked by a critic. Going into a business meeting, one of these supporters told me how much he loved me, and how he would always have my back. Fifteen minutes later, I’m being castigated by three members who hardly ever attend church. What does my supporter do or say? Absolutely nothing. That’s what really hurts.”
     
  5. “I’ve thought about quitting several times.”
    These pastors are truly called men of God. They really do love their congregations. Most of them will endure the criticisms aimed at them personally. But when supportive members really don’t support them, or when family members are hurt, many pastors think about quitting. “Only one thing has stopped me from quitting,” the pastor said. “It’s the call of God. That’s what keeps me hanging on.”

Through this blog and through other venues, I intend to do everything I can in God’s power to be the pastor’s advocate. The pastorate is one of the toughest jobs in the world. Indeed, it’s an impossible job in human power alone.

Pastors, how can we best help you? Church members, what can we do to be the best pastor advocate possible?


Pastor to Pastor is the Saturday blog series at ThomRainer.com. Pastors and staff, if we can help in any way, contact Steve Drake, our director of pastoral relations, at [email protected]. We also welcome contacts from laypersons in churches asking questions about pastors, churches, or the pastor search process.

Posted on June 2, 2012


With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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31 Comments

  • Dwight Watson says on

    RF,
    It breaks my heart to see a faithful servant leave the ministry broken rather than honored as the hero that you are. You and your family will be in my prayers in the days ahead.

  • WOW it’s like you’ve had hidden cameras at my church, home & around town!!! PRAYER PRAYER PRAYER!!!

  • I am leaving the ministry as a broken man after more than forty years of serving the Lord. Over these years I have been greatly blessed, seen many come to Christ and seen churches double quickly in size. For some reason, wherever I have been, I always became the pastor to whom other pastors came to lean on. I also serve as a NAMB endorsed law enforcement and DR chaplain. So, why am I a broken man? I think I have learned to sum it up in two sentences. First, I am tired of attempting to get people to do what they don’t want to do (give biblically, visit intentionally, evangelize enthusiasticaly, and serve wholeheartedly). Secondly, I have grown weary of all the years of constant criticism; it has broken me.

  • Scott Andrews says on

    Thanks Thom.

  • Tommy G. says on

    I have adult children who love Jesus and the church. They grew up in a parsonage and sometimes were exposed to the ugly side of churches, but my children NEVER attended a church business meeting. My wife doesn’t attend business meetings either.

  • Dwight Watson says on

    Another secret pastors won’t reveal is “I’m struggling with pornography/lust.” For years in ministry, this was the one secret that I was unwilling to share with anyone. Three years ago this dominating secret led me into a deep shame-based depression that left me barely functional and eventually led to confessing my sin and leaving ministry. God graciously allowed my family to experience restoration through a ministry called City of Refuge, and we now sense God leading us into a ministry of restoration through Biblical community, as we have experienced here. A key part of the ministry to which I feel God is directing us is providing a platform for pastors and leaders to intentionally connect honestly and authentically.

  • Thanks, Thom, for shining a light with this. I was one of those who struggled in my marriage. It really impacted my ministry, but we both wore masks effectively – and to our detriment. When we decided to begin our marriage mission, we determined that supporting couples in ministry would be one of the goals.

  • Scott Parkison says on

    Thanks for this article. It was encouraging for me to read.

  • How to reach church members with this info.? Two suggestions:
    1. Get into the habit of recommending godly books and resources to your congregation. Then, if a good number of your church members are internet savvy, recommend that they subscribe to Dr. Rainer’s blog (and others– “Practical Shepherding” and “Ordinary Pastor” are also good) and/or like him on Facebook.
    2. Reach the DOMs (directors) of the local associations with this info. I don’t know about other DOMs, but ours seems to be preaching in a different church in our association almost every week. It would be great to have the DOMs speaking to church members about how they can support their pastors.

  • As a youth pastor, I know many of these feelings and stresses myself (granted maybe not to the degree of a senior pastor). However I know the stresses my pastor faces and I try to be as open and available to him as possible. While my main focus is the youth, I never forget that the youth are simply a part of the church family. I believe that while many of our church members might feel uncomfortable knowing that their pastor is having marriage problems, doubts or fears, a pastor should be able to rely upon his staff and be able to “step away” from time to time. For those who serve on a staff, but not the Sr Pastor, we need to be sure to communicate with our pastor and understand he has many of the same problems we do. We need to be available and trustworthy. For churches with only the pastor and no staff, the deacons or elders of the church should step into this role. Perhaps we should even reach outside of our own churches. One of my best friends is a youth minister from a church across town. He and I have both at times been there to lift eachother up in times of need. Again I realize I’m only a youth pastor, but I just wanted to throw my two cents in.

  • As a youth pastor, I know many of these feelings and stresses myself (granted maybe not to the degree of a senior pastor). However I know the stresses my pastor faces and I try to be as open and available to him as possible. While my main focus is the youth, I never forget that the youth are simply a part of the church family. I believe that while many of our church members might feel uncomfortable knowing that their pastor is having marriage problems, doubts or fears, a pastor should be able to rely upon his staff and be able to “step away” from time to time. For those who serve on a staff, but not the Sr Pastor, we need to be sure to communicate with our pastor and understand he has many of the same problems we do. We need to be available and trustworthy. For churches with only the pastor and no staff, the deacons or elders of the church should step into this role. Perhaps we should even reach outside of our own churches. One of my best friends is a youth minister from a church across town. He and I have both at times been there to lift eachother up in times of need. Again I realize I’m only a youth pastor, but I just wanted to throw my two cents in.

  • I bet many would be afraid to speak of their spiritual dryness.
    Josh Hung