I would have never expected the response to a topic that seemed so innocuous. On this blog many people were very vocal that they really didn’t like the stand-and-greet time during the worship services.
To be fair, there were some defenders of this practice. I was able to segment the hundreds of responses into three groups.
- Guests: Overwhelmingly, guests do not like stand-and-greet. Very few indicated they did.
- Church members who are strong extroverts. This group tended to be the vocal supporters of stand-and-greet. They really like speaking to both strangers and acquaintances.
- The rest of the church members. The majority of the church members did not like the practice. It is the time of the worship service they dread.
So almost all of the guests do not like the stand-and-greet time, and the majority of the church members agree with them. As a consequence, many churches have dispensed with this practice.
But church leaders are finding other ways to keep their congregations friendly during the worship services. In this follow-up post, I share some of the new practices I have discovered.
- Conclude the services on time. The most natural time of fellowship takes place at the conclusion of each service. But, if the service goes long, many attendees are in a hurry to get their children from the preschool area, or to make previously scheduled appointments.
- Use the most outgoing members in critical places. One church has a highly extroverted senior adult lady as the receptionist to the preschool areas. Her sole, but critical role, is to greet parents and children, and to provide them a clear guide of where to go and what to do.
- Ask your most extroverted members to sit by guests and converse with them. Most of those who defended the stand-and-greet time where these extroverted members. Use them in other ways. And if the persons they find happen not to be guests, it’s not the end of the world. It’s okay for members to talk to one another.
- Ask your most extroverted members to mingle intentionally before and after the service. There is certainly a pattern developing here. The extroverted members want to act extroverted. Give them permission to do so. A few churches are even offering training for these extroverts.
- Have clear signage that lets guest know where to go. One church had the following signage at key entry points: “Guests: Follow the signs to our coffee gathering or to take your children to our safe and secure area.”
- Encourage people to speak to each other at the end of the service. If the service ends on time, encourage people to chat on the way out. Those who desire this interaction will do so. The rest will have permission not to do so.
- Have people wear shirts or badges that clearly indicate they are available to help others. I recently attended an event where people who could provide help wore brightly-colored shirts and well-marked badges. A church of which I’m aware does the same. The badge says in clear and bold letters: “I Would Love to Help You.”
Ultimately, friendliness is more of an attitude and atmosphere than a planned action. Leaders should provide such examples and continuously remind members to be hospitable and friendly at all times.
The meet-and-greet time is going away in many churches. These are some of the practices that are taking its place. Let me hear from you on this issue.
Posted on August 10, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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107 Comments
I was widowed when I was 48 and my husband was 49. My husband, who was a pastor and strong extrovert, LOVED meet and greet. I am a “mild” extrovert, but I HATE it. It has always felt fake, and I am terrible at small talk. Just terrible. Mine is a very big church, and most of us say things like “Good morning – “I’m Ellen.” And they say something like that back. And we smile. Then we might say things like “Are you new here?” Or “How long have you been at (or visited) ___ Church?” (And they may say it’s their first visit or that they’ve been around for ten years. Then what? My husband would be their best friend. I, on the other hand am at a loss and rarely remember what they looked like by the time I’m out of the parking lot. In a small church, I set the table for company and we often brought someone home for Sunday dinner. In a big city and a big church, that doesn’t work so well.
“Meeting and greeting” isn’t necessarily friendly, though it might be. I think it’s much more so if it is organic and reflects a focus on others rather than just one’s friends. My church’s leadership has always been nervous about the “holy huddle,’ and that very (good) thing can actually make it difficult for people to break in because there’s so much emphasis on ministry—when what they need first are friends. At least that’s my take.
I often call our church the knock-knock church because new people, or even those who have visited for awhile, do not experience us as wanting to reach out to enfold them and help them connect with the Body. (And we have the deserved reputation of being a great church, but often hard to break into.) The same is true of my Sunday School class (which isn’t called “Sunday School”).
But, I’ve noticed something this summer I’ve never realized before. The brilliant man who teaches our class teaches until the last possible moment with just enough time (in our case) to scoot out to church. But, for most of the summer, he doesn’t teach. Most of those who do teach, don’t run nearly as long. (And there’s a lot more variety.) But, guess what? Since it isn’t time for the worship service, people tend to hang around. They chat. They have another cup of coffee. I notice they also talk to people they don’t know – There is time to introduce someone one has met without rushing out the door immediately afterward I’m sure we miss a lot of people, but suddenly we are being who we want to be. And it’s genuine, not our “friendly” program.
Many of our visitors need friends because they are new in town. Some have come to something sponsored by our church or sent their children to our summer camp. But they don’t have many friends.
Many others are not yet Christians. They may not want to be overwhelmed, but they are interested in knowing us, or they wouldn’t be there.
Some have been around for years, but just come to church and go home.
Perhaps churches (like ours) could do something similar to what I’ve seen in my class and have something else when worship is over (a little earlier) that would pull people in – an invitation to do something after the the end of the service – a short film in another room about children’s ministry (where’ll they’ll ask questions), work with singles, ministry in the community (we do a lot), or a way to get some people in the same room who “need” introducing. Something like that wouldn’t grab everyone, but it might pull in those who are interested in whatever is the topic that Sunday. How do we ask people how they’d like us to connect with them. Who would like to invite someone new to dinner – at home or a nearby restaurant? Every other effort (often with great motives) has seemed programmatic, even though that’s not the intention. It just seems that no one knows how to get where we want to be even though a LOT of work often goes into trying to figure it out. I know we don’t want to be the Holy Huddle or the Knock-Knock Church, but we just don’t know how to bridge the gap in such a big church. One thing I know is that “meet and greet” is not how to do that. (and to be fair, we’ve finally (gratefully) moved away from that. We just need more “on ramps,” and I suspect many other churches are in the same situation.
One more thing: as my children moved out, I hated going to church. It was the loneliest time of my week, and there were times I left church in tears, a church where I’d been for YEARS. Our main sanctuary was too big, groups had changed, and I was just lost. Today we have a chapel service, one in our gym, and another in a space used part of the time for youth ministry. I can’t tell you how much it has helped to go to a smaller service, see and sit with people I know. I’m guessing I’m not the only single who has had a similar experience.
I think a few of us may be missing the point. “Passing the peace” is for members and would make the average visitor uncomfortable. As a visitor I don’t want to be greeted because the congregation was instructed to do it. I have noticed that friendly churches shine with or without having this practice built into the Sunday morning schedule. Likewise, unfriendly churches will come across that way no matter how closely they follow whatever the “be friendly” protocols in that church may be. If we practice hospitality in our lives that same attitude will manifest itself at church without a liturgical mandate.
“Ultimately, friendliness is more of an attitude and atmosphere than a planned action. Leaders should provide such examples and continuously remind members to be hospitable and friendly at all times.”
This is key. If people are not friendly or having instilled in them, it’s not just the stand and greet time that will suffer. It will impact when visitors or new members go to other functions only to find insiders talking to insiders. It will keep new people shut out of ministry roles as people default to only recruiting friends. It will prevent members from simply going out of their way to notice a new person who could use a little direction, information, etc.
Thanks, Pat.
Thank for sharing this, but I will tell you brother, I am struggling with it. The church where I am pastor has issues and areas we need to improve, but the welcome and greeting time (stand and greet) looks like a real strength. The feedback I often hear from visitors (and we have been having a number of them lately – thank you Lord) is they felt welcome and this is a friendly church. I will give our people credit; they are not shy about walking right over to folks they don’t know and telling them how glad they are to see them.
Whenever I am on vacation, I try to visit other churches, and I have sure been in some cold, dead and unfriendly ones. Seeing people shaking hands, welcoming others, laughing, and at least appearing to be joyful is a refreshing change from what I have experienced. On two separate occasions, I visited a church and no one; let me be clear on this; not a soul approached me to tell me I was welcome and “hope you come back” and so forth. One of those churches had a coffee shop, so I got my cup of coffee, sat down, and waited for the service to start. After 30 minutes, no one had spoken to me or acknowledged my presence. Wow, that was a lonely feeling and I’ve tried to put myself in the place of a first-time visitor. I probably wouldn’t have gone back.
So, the stand and greet will probably continue at our church. But as always, your comments are most thought provoking and helpful.
Thanks again and God bless.
It does indeed sound like it should continue in your church, Dan.
As a transitional/interim pastor I am working to change the view of Sunday morning worship from a time directed towards preferences and more toward an exercise of corporate worship of God. As such, I have intentionally made our somewhat lower Presbyterian church into a somewhat more liturgical church, not because liturgy is good, but because it can (when explained!) demonstrate the shape of the Christian life throughout the week. The sharing of God’s peace, which we do after confession and declaration of forgiveness shows that the fellowship we have with one another is mediated by the reconciliation we have with God in Christ. That said, it hasn’t been easy to transform the conversations from the weather and standard “how are you’s” to the actual extending a sign and word of peace.
I think the whole debate goes to show that we have lost most of the sense of what church is for and why we do churchy things. Meet & greet is a travesty of reconciliation, but it is an exact image of our relationships outside the walls of church. Meet & greet models for people a shallow fellowship based in common interest and general good citizenship instead of relationships of reconciliation and love. After all, “If you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even tax collectors do the same? And if you only greet your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?” (Matthew 5:46-47 ESV).
If you’re prayed up, and worded up, everything else matters less. If you’re not, you start tweaking at minor issues.
I like your comment. I never thought about the practice being disliked until I read these comments. My church has it but its called “welcome to our church” where music is played while the congregation goes around and hug or shake hands. If you have a problem with hugging–extend your hand. If you have a problem with a handshake–bring some sanitizer! I question people’s “heart” when they’re coming to church to hear God’s word–which is based on loving thy fellow man. BUT, have a problem with a random act of kindness. It’s about God and His Word; not YOU! And as far as the interactions with guests–our pastor asks the visitors to come down front before the end of service so that after service he can greet them personally – one on one! We have many 2nd & 3rd time guests. By that time, they are ready to join or move on. I visited 4 churches, 3 times each. When I got to my present church, I was supposed to move on to another church, but I couldn’t stop wondering what I would be missing at this church. I subsequently joined and I have not regretted it. Every visitor I bring has an “Aha!” moment from the message our pastor gives. And his message resonates in my everyday life throughout the week and beyond until the next Sunday. So if someone has “issues” I suggest they “test drive” a church before joining, so they don’t have to drop out. It’s all about committment. In order to grow you must be “planted.”
Thank you for calling me selfish and ungodly. And please give me the name of your church so I can be sure to avoid it. I go to worship God not have a social interaction thrust upon me.
We do those things PLUS have people in the parking lot to welcome folks and help them if they need help.
Greetings Thom,
I was ambivalent towards the stand & greet time and had considered moving our church away from it after reading your prior post, however I decided it wasn’t a battle worth fighting at that time. Recently though I have had two separate people who have started coming to our church within the past five months who said they specifically returned to our church because of the stand & greet time. One even described himself as a very shy introvert who loved the fact that the pressure was taken off of him to meet others and instead they came to him. This friendly greeting time opened the door to a gospel conversation which led to his salvation and baptism into the church.
Maybe we could accomplish the same connections in other ways but this way still appears to be working, for us anyways.
God bless.
It does sound like it’s working in your church, Johnathon. There is certainly no need to cancel it.
When I hear people complain about the “stand and greet” term, I can’t help being reminded of a question Dr. Phil once asked a guest: “Has it ever occurred to you that you’re just too sensitive?” The church where I currently serve is a very loving group of people. How do I ask them to be less loving? It seems to me this kind of hypersensitivity puts the church in a no-win situation.
Correction – “Stand and greet’ *time*….
Re a group of loving people. I was once in a Sunday school class that prided themselves on being a group of loving people, especially at their monthly get-together in members’ homes. When I went to one, they did indeed seem friendly…..with one another. With me, the newbie, not so much. Was part of it my own hangups? Perhaps. But for you to discount my feelings by saying i”m just too sensitive doesn’t seem very loving to me. Look around some Sunday morning and see how much your members are engaging with visitors, and see if visitors are engaging back or seeming by their body language to feel awkward. Perhaps your congregation is the exception for whom a stand and greet time works. Or perhaps the loving people could go out to eat together after worship or drink coffee in the foyer after worship or something. But when it’s in the middle of worship, those of us who feel awkward and hate it are trapped. If your answer is for us to just get over it and quit feeling awkward, well, that’s one answer. Not the one that makes me feel welcome, though.
How to explain to someone who is extroverted how being forced to interact feels to an introvert? This is very difficult. Yes, I can act extroverted, but I have to prepare myself of it. I have worked in sales and I am a priest. I can be out there glad handing with the best. But I also find it totally tiring. To basically say, “Get over it” means that you would tell me that I am wrong and that your way of functioning is the only way it should be. Eventually, if I found it too emotionally taxing to be at your church, I would go somewhere else. I find many “modern, accepting churches” really do not like introverts.
We still have what we call a time of fellowship. People move all over the church and not just a quick handshake but take time to visitors and everyone. Our members do not just speak to visitors they talk with them. There is a difference. To take time and talk for a couple of minutes shows sincerity where merely speaking to someone only acknowledges their presence not their worth as a human or your love for them as a person. In our church it is not a set aside time per say because we incorporate it with standing and singing so as not to make visitors stand out since everyone is already standing. Our church has doubled and visitors keep coming back.
I think it all boils down to sincerity. People can tell if it is sincere or not. If I felt that the time was insincere and that we were just going through the motions I would stop that time in the service, because I have been in churches, usually larger churches, where it made me feel awkward or where they made visitors stand out. Plus many of those suggestions you made I would not take advantage of as visitor. I’m not going to a guest room or coffee time after the service. If a stranger sat beside me and started talking a lot to me I would also feel as thought they were in my space.
Again we must remember one size does not fit all, you are not going to make everyone feel comfortable and welcome with your practices, and it boils down to sincerity.
Sorry, I got some of the comments I read confused about coffee rooms etc. with your post . Please pardon my confusion. It is easy to do after reading all the comments.
…. in the south we have a tradition called “pass the peas” ….
Now that’s funny.
It is sad that ministers let this opportunity to acknowledge God’s presence in ourselves and another human being slip away. It is not a prod to make people friendly. Ministers need to be educated and then educate parishioners. As a spiritual director, I urge people to be concious about everything they say and do in a service. Services are a celebration of God’s presence in our lives and the world around us. If you go to church out of habit, rethink what you are doing. If you go to socialize and be friendly, go to the coffee morning afterward.