It is one of the most common and painful issues pastors face.
A number of people leave the church around the same time. The exit is painful for the exiting members, the members who remain and, of course, the pastor. I have walked with hundreds of pastors through these scenarios. It is painful. It is messy. And, though I wish I did not have to say these words, it is often inevitable.
Allow me to share five perspectives on what is often taking place when a group leaves the church. For certain, there will be a myriad of exceptions. But these five issues are common in many of these situations.
- The exit usually takes place when the pastor’s leadership becomes clear and established. It is, therefore, common for these exits to take place somewhere between the second and fourth year of a pastor’s tenure. The exiting members may have had unmet expectations of the pastor. The vision the pastor cast and the direction the pastor was leading them were not aligned with their own hopes and dreams.
- Hurt exiting church members do not often leave well. Please hear me clearly. I am not pointing fingers and placing blame. But, in many of these exits, the departures are handled from a posture of hurt. Letters are written. Unhealthy conversations ensue on social media. Matthew 18 is not followed. The departures are messy and engender more conflict.
- Those often neglected are the members who remain. The pastor is hurt. The exiting members are hurt. But, on too many occasions, we forget the pain experienced by those still in the church. They had friends leave. They saw relatives get angry. They know the church budget was hit hard. Relationship patterns are sorely disrupted. One of the most difficult but necessary things a hurting pastor must do is to minister to the remaining members with compassion and hope.
- The recovery period usually takes months. I don’t have a neat guideline for church leaders to follow. I can say that most churches begin to feel some degree of normalcy somewhere around nine to twelve months. That period can be tough on the pastor and the church members, but it is a part of the healing process.
- The other side is a place of hope. As painful as these exits are, there is usually a better church on the other side. A church with unaligned members creates an unhealthy situation. It holds the church back. The culture is conflicting and sometimes toxic. Exiting members can offer a time for healthy re-alignment. The departing members find a place where they are better aligned. The church from which they departed has an opportunity to get everyone on the same page.
While I don’t wish this situation on any church, any pastors, or any church members, I do think two points are worth remembering. First, these departures are common, more common than most people realize. Second, if the pastor and the remaining members handle the situation with prayer and grace, the church is usually much healthier on the other side of the departures.
Posted on April 22, 2019
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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29 Comments
The first church that I served in a full time position was going through this happening as I came on board. I can’t help but believe that one of the reasons I didn’t stay bu 2 years was because of this fracture in the fellowship.. These things can get ugly, and when I left this church there was a group of people that wanted me to give them ammunition to oust the pastor. I did not do this, and some of them couldn’t understand why. God blessed me in that the pastor and I remained friends and we would call on each other at times after my departure.
Can you reply to this post byChuck Congram at 7:16 am? Thanks
What is different when the group that leaves includes staff members including the senior pastor with the intent of planting a new congregation without the involvement and support of the current congregation?
No. That is not the intent of this particular post.
Thank you for this article and after reading this it made me think of a church a I served at years ago. The church split and i was the only staff member left (Associate in Charge of youth). The Pastor, music minister, most of the deacons and young families wanted to start their own church and did start a church in another community. I stayed at the church for about 6 months until the Lord sent me to my next ministry. I have kept up with the split church and unfortunately it is not doing well and still holds a “grudge” against the group that left. In the article it says that recovery can take months but in this case I see that recovery has not taken place at all. I was just wondering how a church deals with a “Spiritual wound” that has not been treated? I feel that this church will never move forward until it deals with the past. Thank you for all you do!
Good question, Steve.
Most of these occurrences did not have to happen. They were probably planned well in advance, likely strategically. Many were probably even planned on social media. That is where google can be a useful tool. The lay leadership needs to periodically search past page 1 for the name of their church with words like leaders, problem, trouble, etc. These message boards might give the leadership an insight into which lay leader represents a faction, seems creepy, did not listen to someone’s accusation, or generally ignores people. People today will likely not tell the leadership anything since the general opinion of most leaders is that they do not listen to anyone save their personal friends. They will post it anonymously on social media.
As to #3, I think those neglected likely comprised the ones who left.
Everything you said is dead on Thom. Unfortunately, I have been through all five points in my second church. I have to admit that I handled it very poorly. I grew very angry which did not help things. People left who could not control things the way they wanted. One of the things that I have learned is that pastors become a means to an end for some church members. They hire us with the idea that they will control us. When that does not happen they stomp out the door leaving a mess. And yes, they still have family in the church that I have to minister to. I often feel awkward in my pastorate because I am not sure how I am perceived. I have stayed faithful to God’s word and that is what all pastors must do.
Well said, William.
All great perspectives. I add one point. The recovery period is often “months to years.” I recently worked with a church where finally, after five years, the pain has turned to healing/health, and the church is finally moving forward again.
True.
This post is timely for me. I am a second career priest in an Episcopal Church where I am near the end of my sixth year in my first cure….fourth year as rector. Over the past year after my secretary and I mutually agreed it was time for her to retire. The treasurer and bookkeeper quit angrily …. yep with a nasty letter ….. and without sufficient time to train replacements. Seven months later when we needed to cut paid choir positions due to budgetary reasons the long term music director quit without much notice. A group of unpaid choir members left with her. Your post along with the first comment about people leaving the church because they can no longer steer the ship …. we had lots of “silo” leadership …. hits the nail on the head. I have thought …. and hoped …. that these types of difficult situations are part of long term transition and organizational development but had not seen anything that confirmed my thoughts. Thank you.
Ouch. Thank you, Suzanne
Years ago, we began a pastor search, the initial stages of which were by necessity done behind closed doors, only to have one of the assistant pastors publicly declare for the position. This subverted the entire, initial stages of the search process causing those who liked this guy, a charismatic ex-major league baseball player, to think we should just hire this guy and end the search. Ultimately, this pastor, who seemed to care more about himself than the church, left for a church down the street and took his followers with him. I recently heard that after 10 years at that church, an unknown event occurred and he left that church, taking his followers with him again, only to set up shop a few miles away. Several of the women in this guy’s following had befriended my wife. She never heard from them again after they left and was left permanently scarred. It does leave a mark. I can attest.
It is indeed painful, Ronald.
This is Fantastic!! Yes, I agree with Jerry you are always very kind and I truly appreciate that about you. One year we lost 170 people and $190,000 out of the budget when the entire group left and went to a church nearby. It was the one year out of ten that we didn’t grow after we got turned around. We showed -3%. The next year we had +3% and then the year after a 29% growth year. The exiting group Broadcast that our church would die when they left because they were the “Core” group. I actually got a call to meet with the new Pastor and an Elder because they were “concerned” for us. Which I dud. Many were leading Ministries and Small Groups at the time and were very close to my best friend and Executive Pastor at the time. I eventually list him as well. Incredibly difficult and painful but absolutely necessary in allowing our Culture to finally become what I had envisioned. Thanks fir sharing this spot on Post as only you can do!!
Thank you, Bennett.
My pleasure. Just re-read my post. I apologize for the many little typo’s. I generally proofread a little better than that! ?
Thom – (Me – again)
As I read my final paragraph, it is apparent that my fingers ran ahead of my mind…
What read “You are always kind (which is a good thing), but sometimes the exiting group leaves not because their unmet expectations of the pastor is the he will simply do things their way, and when he doesn’t, hurt and pain ensues”
should have read”
“You are always kind (which is a good thing), but sometimes the exiting group leaves because their unmet expectations of the pastor is that he will simply do things their way, and when he doesn’t, hurt and pain ensues.”
Sorry, I will be more careful next time.
What is different when the group that leaves includes staff members including the senior pastor with the intent of planting a new congregation without the involvement and support of the current congregation?
Thom –
This is a good and accurate word. Thanks. The only thing which, in my heart (and experience) which needs to be added is found in Bullet Point #1. Your words (The exiting members may have had unmet expectations of the pastor. The vision the pastor cast and the direction the pastor was leading them were not aligned with their own hopes and dreams.) are extremely true, but which must also be said, to be fair, is that “At time, some of the exiting members leave because they cannot continue to steer the train.”
You are always kind (which is a good thing), but sometimes the exiting group leaves not because their unmet expectations of the pastor is the he will simply do things their way, and when he doesn’t, hurt and pain ensues.
Thanks for your words today. Grace
Good word, Jerry. Thank you.