“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Who hasn’t drawn strength from these Proverbial words? For many, they serve as a hope against the tide of secularism and cultural confusion. For others, they are a promise that reassures doubts about parental shortcomings.
But, most pastors and church leaders will admit they all know congregants for whom these words are a tough pill to swallow. Parents who “did everything right,” who raised their kids in a solid church environment, who were not hypocrites, and who, more than anything else, prayed regularly for their kids to serve God. And yet, those kids at some point, either in their teen, college, or adult years, walked away from church and have not returned.
It’s heartbreaking.
And more so if you are a pastor or church leader. There can be guilt: “What did we do wrong?” There can be shame: “We’ve failed God.” There can be questions: “Should I be in church leadership?” All these responses are sadly normal and often hard to get past.
Sure, there are cases of belligerent pastoral parents who took out ministry frustration at home: yelling, threatening, huffing, puffing, and everything short of blowing the house down. Everyone understands why kids in that environment would quit church as soon as they leave home, and possibly why they might reject God altogether.
Most cases are not like that, though. Many ministry homes are filled with love, laughter, and faithfulness. Many pastors do not subordinate the sheep under their own roof to others in the flock; their lambs are well-tended. Many pastors spend time praying with their kids, reading the Bible with them, taking them on fun family trips, and encouraging them along their personal journey. Yet, in spite of focused discipleship, some of them leave the church when they become adults.
It’s important to remember not everyone who quits attending church—pastoral offspring or otherwise—intends to quit Christianity or reject God. For some, doubtless, quitting church is the same as those in Jesus’ day who “turned back and followed him no longer.” False conversions are real. “Not everyone who says Lord, Lord” is still in the Bible.
For others, though, quitting church is the best way they have found to deal with some of the incongruities they experienced in church. Never underestimate the ability of a pastor’s kid to pick up on political machinations from church members. Pastors’ kids can be acutely aware of people in their church who dislike their parents. And the performative pressure many pastors’ kids feel from church members or parental expectations doesn’t always erupt until after they’re grown. It takes some longer than others to resolve the Corinthian behavior prevalent across church life.
If you’re the parent of an adult child who has left the church, and you are living with guilt or shame, here are a few thoughts that may encourage you.
The most important thing is maintaining a good relationship.
If your adult kid has left the church, the chances are high that they already know all the reasons to come back. You can beat that dead horse until the hide is gone, but it likely won’t help. Instead, focus on their present-day lives and avoid the temptation to baptize every conversation by referencing a Christian sportsperson, celebrity, or your latest devotional book. Show you can have a relationship on their terms, not yours.
Sometimes, a good relationship must follow a restored relationship. Perhaps there was a serious offense, emotional distance, or an unrealized mistake. Have honest, unvarnished conversations. Respond with humility. Repent where necessary.
Seek to understand their perspective, even if you disagree with their decisions.
Over the last several years, a goodly number of adults I pastored when they were kids or teens have contacted me via social media about what they see as troubling hypocrisy in church leaders they knew back then. Because of it, or partially so, some have left the church; some have left the faith.
“Well, you should just ignore all that…” is the worst way to reconnect them to church or the faith. Many have perspectives we can learn from and better understand not only them, but also their numerous friends who are in the same position for similar reasons.
Sometimes, we might even learn something about ourselves.
Remember that your adult kids are God’s responsibility.
When our kids were young, dependent on us for food, shelter, and clothing, it generally followed that their spiritual growth was our responsibility. We were the ones “training them up.” We can’t blame deacons and elders if we made mistakes.
But, when kids become adults, they are God’s responsibility. If they aren’t genuinely converted, clearly the Spirit needs to draw them. If they are converted and are either dealing with church trauma or fallen back into a life of sin, then the same Spirit must draw them. There may come a time when some tragedy opens the door for a bold conversation. Absent that or another open door, pray for the ministry of the Spirit to bring them home and rest patiently in his omniscient work.
Posted on May 7, 2025
Marty Duren is a writer, editor, and publisher in Nashville, TN. For many years, he has served churches in Georgia and Tennessee in full- and part-time pastoral and volunteer opportunities. Marty is married to Sonya, the love of his life. Their four kids are grown; their two grandkids are not. They have a collie with PTSD and a cat with an attitude. His latest book is The Disparate Ones: Essays on Being in the World but Not of the World (Missional Press). Reach Marty at freelance.martyduren.com, or connect on Facebook and Bluesky.
More from Marty
3 Comments
Unfortunately, I was the pastor/dad who blew up at home. There were also moments when I sacrificed my family on the altar of ministry. My children know that I love Jesus and each of my children accepted Christ when they were children. Most people have no idea how in tune your children are to people in the church. “Pastors’ kids can be acutely aware of people in their church who dislike their parents.” That is a fact. There were definitely times when my wife and I should have discussed church issues without the kids hearing us. However, my children were smart enough to realize that there were concerns and we did not hide that from them. Great article
Proverbs 22:6 has been mistranslated for way too long! The CSB finally got it right: “Start a youth out on his way; even when he grows old he will not depart from it.” In other words, it is a warning (like the rest of Proverbs) about what not to do, not a promise. As parents, we guarantee raising self-centered, entitled adults if we allow them to get their own way. That’s what this proverb is declaring, and we can see plenty of examples of it in our culture. The truly heartbreaking thing for me as a student of Scripture is that this verse has been mistranslated and used to give parents a false promise about their children’s spiritual future. Instead, it was intended as a warning against passive parenting. Let’s set the record straight and give parents a better biblical foundation for raising their kids!
I couldn’t agree more with your point. Old Testament scholar Gordon Hugenberger remarks, “Proverbs 22:6 is not so much a promise, as it is a solemn warning. Parents, if you train up a child “according to his way”—in other words, if you quit the hard work of loving discipline and just give in and let your child have his own way—you will reinforce his sinful proclivities to such a degree that, apart from supernatural intervention, “even when he is old he will not depart from it” (GORDON P. HUGENBERGER, “TRAIN UP A CHILD” IN BASICS OF BIBLICAL HEBREW GRAMMAR BY GARY D. PRATICO AND MILES V. VANPELT (GRAND RAPIDS, MI: ZONDERVAN, 2001), 284–85.).
Doctrinally it’s clear: sinners left to themselves will follow their natural desires.
But so many of us parents have applied Gods word to their souls and watched them walk away. Too many saints have erred and sinned against their children in their conviction to train. All of this still leaves a us feeling guilty and leaves us hopeless. Quoting Hugenberger again, he states: “ Sometimes, the children of godly parents—parents who made every possible effort to guide their children in godly behavior according to biblical truth—may still end up rejecting the Gospel of Christ and living contrary to God’s ways. Surely, proper biblical training has a critical role in the life of a child; parents should take every opportunity to teach their children the truth of God’s word (Deuteronomy 6:6–9) and direct them in the way of godly behavior. But ultimately it is the Lord God who turns people to Himself. No amount of parental instruction can ensure, without the intervening grace of God, that a child will consistently live the way that the Lord prescribes.
What application can we draw from this? First, in view of the warning we see in Proverbs 22:6 against not forsaking godly correction, parents must endeavor to raise their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4), trusting God with the outcome. However, parents should not assume that there is some sort of “spiritual checklist” when it comes to raising children, thinking that if they do everything required and check all the boxes, their children are guaranteed to become godly believers. That is why it is so important for parents to pray for the spiritual well-being of their children—that they would come to trust in Jesus Christ for salvation, and that they would faithfully follow after him.”
He continues: “But perhaps you are a parent of a child who is already grown (or nearly grown) and is not walking with the Lord. You did everything possible to teach him the truth of God’s word, but he still rejected it. Your heart aches for your child—for there is perhaps no hardship greater than seeing your child dismiss the only way to salvation through Jesus Christ. But know this: the Scriptures do not condemn you. I am sorry if you have endured teachers using Proverbs 22:6 as if it somehow brands you as a bad parent. That is not true. Continue to pray for your child, that God in His grace would bring conviction regarding the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And even if you know in your heart that there were aspects of parenting that you neglected, and that you may not have done everything you could have to instruct your child in the way of godliness, remember that God’s grace truly is great. He has brought to salvation children from all kinds of homes, and His grace can overcome any shortcoming in parenting” (https://appliedheart.com/2020/08/29/busting-sunday-school-myths-part-3-proverbs-226/).
Let’s pray for God to break our children.