Church Answers began as a source of information for pastors, staff, and other Christian leaders. I have been incredibly blessed to discover a subgroup of my readership that has much to offer: pastors’ wives. Many in this group have also shared a common plight: they are very lonely.
Indeed the transparency of these pastors’ wives is amazing. Many have shared with each other on this blog about their battles with depression. My desire to offer help to pastors’ wives has increased greatly. My respect and admiration for them has also grown significantly.
For this article, I assimilated the hundreds of blog comments, Twitter and Facebook messages, and general conversations I’ve had with pastors’ wives. My focus was on the number one challenge they have shared: loneliness.
Here are the twelve most common reasons pastors’ wives have offered to explain their loneliness.
- Superficial relationships in the church. “No one ever sees me as my own person. I am the pastor’s wife. No one tries to get close to me.”
- A busy pastor/husband. “My husband is on 24/7 call all the time. I just get leftovers.”
- Mean church members. “I guess I’ve isolated myself to some extent. I just don’t want to keep hearing those awful things they say about my husband and me.”
- A conduit for complaints about her husband. “Last week someone told me their family was leaving the church because my husband is a lousy preacher. Do they have any idea how that makes me feel?”
- Broken confidences. “I’ve given up trying to get close to church members. I thought I had a close friend until I found out she was sharing everything I told her. That killed me emotionally.”
- Frequent moves. “I’m scared to get close to anybody now. Every time I develop a close relationship, we move again.”
- Viewed as a second-class person. “One church member introduced me to a guest visiting the church by saying I’m ‘just the pastor’s wife.’”
- Lack of support groups. “I’ve heard that some wives have support groups that really help. I’ve never been able to find one.”
- No date nights. “I can’t remember the last time my husband and I had a date night together.”
- Complaints about children. “I really don’t try to get close to church members anymore. I’m tired of so many of them telling me how perfect our children should be.”
- Husband does not give the wife priority. “Frankly, the church is like a mistress to my husband. He has abandoned me for someone else.”
- Financial struggles. “My husband makes so much less money than most of the members. I just can’t afford to do the things they do socially.”
While many pastors’ wives share that there are blessings in their role, many do suffer severe loneliness. I would love to hear from more of these wives. And I would love to hear from others about them. The words I have heard from these women have prompted me to be more intentional about praying for them.
Posted on February 15, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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175 Comments
I’m new to the clergy spouse life as well. It’s a little disheartening to hear one of your own say ‘quit whining.’ I haven’t experienced everything on the ltis – and I may not. But I respect the fact that this is a list that has been compiled based on responses. So it would be reasonable to assumethat not everyone has the same experiences, correct? It hasn’t been an easy road for me either. I feel for those who HAVE dealt with anything on this list. I find it comforting that we are NOT alone. Just because we have a negative feeling doesn’t make us terrible people. It makes us just that – people. I would love to see better spouse support in my conference but I haven’t seen it yet. Until then, I will support who I can, when I can and any way I can. Blessings to all and thank you, Thom!
interesting article. i served with my husband over 40 years…most of it in pastoral ministry. i tho’t there were a few of these issues that could easily be dealt with by better communication. some of which i didn’t realize could be big problems…and my husband set the tone for when we married. it’s not too late!
1. superficial relationships–don’t wait for people to make the first move! there is no rule on who has to make the first move in relationships. when you go to activities, invite some of the people who don’t seem to have someone to go with. find outside interests from the church where you might have tings in common. the church is part of your life not all of it.
2.this is an issue that any wife of any workaholic husband has to deal with. it is not b/c her husband is a pastor, but b/c he is a workaholic or poorly organizes his time. most pastors take a day off (other than sunday since that day isn’t off in any manner of speaking!) they discuss it with their board and let the church know. barring a major, life-trheatening emergency, that day is for their wife and family. you work is out as a couple. this also relates to comments re date night and his priority for you in his life. honestly, it is up to you to speak up to him re your desires in this aspect of your life! i have learned this over time…the hard way. there is nothing anymore “christian” about stewing silently in resentment of your husband. in fact, it isn’t christian at all. you need to speak up!
3. mean comments from church members need to be dealt with even if not with a simple comment like, “are you saying what i think you’re saying?” “this comment is coming across rather critically to me. am i reading something into it or is that what you meant to say?” “how does that comment fit in with attitudes describes in I cor. 13?” depending on your temperament, you can go for subtle humor, break into tears, or ask a fairly non-judgmental push-back question. some people can be bullies…even in churches. they need to be challenged…kindly. by showing you notice a person is being cruel and not tolerating it when it is inappropriate, they will be slower to do it again. you may want to let it go once, maybe even twice, but when it becomes a regular thing, stand up in a way that shows you are paying attention and will call them on their non-christian, inappropriate behavior. it is disrespectful to you as a person…has nothing to do with whether you are a pastor’s wife or not.
4. it was made clear by my husband to everyone starting with the board, that i was not a member of the staff. but i had to reinforce it by pointing people to him or the board if they had complaints. i did’t have to listen to their complaints. it is easy to joke about it these days by saying “it’s above my paygrade.” or just simply saying that they need to talk directly to him, not me. he can answer their questions and deal with their issues, not me. i can do it with a smile on my face and pleasantly…but it will save me many sleepless nites. my husband never lost sleep over these kinds of things…at all!
5. there is no question that broken confidences hurt. following thro’ with Biblical principles of peacemaking, tho’ very uncomfortable will be helpful. reconciliation may or may not result but it will be a first step in the work of GOD in the life of the other person…and you. learning to forgive is a painful process…as well as the process of reconciliation. but GOD often uses both to grow us in our faith and ability to love and serve others. this kind of pain is part of what GOD uses in the lives of people who have served Him well.
6. moving a lot. it’s tough for sure and it can be difficult. enjoy the good things about where you live and the church where you minister….while you are there. then enjoy the next place, grieve the loss, keep up with the friends you leave behind and move on. you will look back and miss things about every place you lived but there will be some things you will be glad you left behind too…no matter how much you loved each church. moving adds texture to your life! it is extremely educational for your kids. it will give your kids a lot in common with people in the military and others who have moved around often.
7. being a second class citizen is in the eye of the beholder! it is up to us as pastor’s wives to know who we are in Christ. these are the kinds of things that push us in that direction. just b/c a person treats us as 2nd class, doesn’t mean we are…and if we are firm in our understanding of who we are in Christ, it will roll off our shoulders. in truth, there will be days we will do fine with it and days we won’t. it is part of life and not limited to being pastor’s wife.
8. as pastor’s wives, we need to realize that support groups are not a required part of ministry. GOD promises to provide us with all the resources we need to do and be who He wants us to be. a pastor’s wife needs to be someone who is growing in her faith. maybe we are setting up a false dichotomy. at times we want to be in a different category and not be treated differently…at others, we want to blend in. we can’t have it both ways. we don’t have a position in the leadership. yes, b/c of our husbands, we are looked at carefully, but we need to live as honest believers. we will often fail. there is no way around it. we are fallen people living in a fallen world….ministering to people who are in the same boat as we are! sometimes GOD provides us with older women who can be a help to us. it will take time. we don’t have to dump every concern on them, but definitely ask for prayer, develop a relationship, take it slow. GOD will give the needed resources for you to be the pastor’s wife they need.
9. re children, help give your children a positive view of your church. they don’t need to know about all the behind the scenes mess that happens. they can’t handle it and they can be prejudiced against people GOD could use for good in their lives. when you talk about the church and church people, be positive in the way you talk about them. it is good practice for you and good for your kids. as far as discipline of your kids, you and your husband are responsibile b/f GOD for that. if your children are unmanageable or unruly, you may need to get some help. but remember that they are your responsibility. you are not responsible to raise your kids in a way that prevents them from offending others. you are to raise them in the way they are made to go so that when they aregrown, they will (hopefully) move toward GOD. hopefully, your church will be a positive influence for good in that same direction!
once again, you and your husband MUST be in agreement in this arena.
I would add that sometimes loneliness stems from not having any family nearby. Many pastors wives who write to me say that they feel like foreign missionaries even though they are on western soil. It is difficult to not have many options for babysitting (which affects the frequency of dates as well) and to be alone when trials come to yourself or to the family who is far away. We have personally experienced this, having been in Canada for 8 years. All of our family is 2,000 miles away and we’ve only seen them a handful of times in those 8 years. My father in law currently has cancer, which is difficult, and I’ve missed some family funerals because of distance. Yes, these are some of the sacrifices that we make, but it is not easy. It is often the root of my loneliness especially around holidays.
I have been a pastors wife for 35 years now!! I remember in high school (I went to a Christian school) our Bible teacher asked our class how many of the girls wanted to marry a pastor and NO ONE raised their hands!! I think I am the only one from my class that actually did end up marrying a pastor…..
It is a job that has it’s ups and downs. My family has pretty much always lived away from our families, so holidays were hard, yet we grew very close because of it, and my kids are still very close to this day. There were many times we were alone for holidays and no one ever suggested we come and share the day with their families. It just was never thought of I guess.
I guess I could also add the things like it is a joy to see someone come to the Lord, a given of course. But sadly, my husbands ministry has been a hard one. The Lord has sent him to churches that are in bad shape, often they were pastor killers, mowing down one pastor after another. We always felt that the Lord sent him to these churches as God’s last call to them.
So because of this, maybe my view is rather tainted, but frankly I think most people in churches today simply want a pastor to pat them on the head, tell them what good little boys and girls they are, and send them on their way. There are few and far between that really want to hear truth, the hard truths and live them out daily, let alone act these things out to their pastor and his family!! I have sat in church while the little old ladies (who think they run the church) sit behind me and talk about my husband and my kids. Or, the Sunday school teacher who tells my daughter that his new wife was pregnant when they got married and oh yeah, don’t tell your dad about it!!! Or the people who get upset because your son doesn’t date any of the girls in your church, and he tells you “mom I would not date ANY of them because they are NOT nice girls!” (turns out one of these “nice” girls from church was involved in group sex at school!!) Or the deacon board, all men, who basically do what their wives or mother in laws tell them to do and argue with my husband over who he should or should not marry in the church…..
So, yes, pw’s do get lonely. We get that way because we have learned that it is not safe when we do manage to find someone who is willing to even try to be a friend. My one close friend drove my husband home after a meeting, two blocks mind you, and word quickly spread they were having an affair. When her husband was sick and I was also sick with bronchitis at the same time, you can just imagine what was THEN implied!!! So, not only is not safe for the pw to have friends, it is not safe for the friends either!!! Do I long for someone to simply go shopping with? Would it be fun to have a friend to go have coffee with or get a pedicure with? Oh yes!!! But I gave up years ago. I have learned to be content in some ways. I have other pw friends (who don’t live near me unfortunately) I chat with daily, and I have my daughter I talk with and when she is here to visit we have lots of fun together, but it is certainly not the same……God gave me a very loving husband who is my friend as well and we have fun together. He makes our time together a priority, he has always done that to his credit.
Maybe someday, when my husband is retired, and we live someplace where he is not the pastor, maybe then, but I will always be careful. I will always never fully trust, I will always watch my back. Been burned way to many times!!
I am not a pastor’s wife, but I have a pastor’s wife. i am so thankful you wrote this post. I responded to a comment on an earlier post from a pastor’s wife who seemed to be experiencing deep depression and isolation on top of having a special needs child that needed ongoing care. it has haunted me in such a way that it made me more aware of the struggles pastors wives may have and my need to pray for mine more. She is a beautiful person and our church is one where it is often encouraged from the pulpit that family always comes first before ministry. It is even built into the structure of our church school that Wednesday is family night. School is half day so church staff can be with their families. Our prayer meeting are on Thursday nights. I know that was one small area you pointed out. From a non-pastors wife’s perspective, I can tell you that you are loved, looked up to, appreciated. Those that criticize are weak and insecure. I appreciate the “flaws” so to speak because it reminds me that we are human, imperfect sinners saved by grace. God bless.
Thank you for your article! My reasons aren’t exactly like yours! If you surveyed 10 pastors wives you probably would get 10 different reasons! Today we will be honored at a farewell lunch after serving for 23 years! We have been in ministry for over 30 years! We both grew up having ministry modeled! My dad was a pastor and I married a pastor! I knew what I was getting into and being young I was going to do ministry different, I was going to be real and transparent ! I can echo so many things that were already posted! From my perspective, it really is a spiritual battle! My own spiritual journey has been strengthened by church bullies and those who believe they are well meaning! Disappointments happen! Are my motives pure? Am I loving Jesus with my whole heart, mind and soul? Am I loving my neighbor (those in the church too) ? Am I being obedient to what God has called me? In the end – it is my heart that needs a bypass! Being a pastors wife is a ministry in and of itself. We need care! We need love! We need boundaries! Sometimes people need a punch physically and spiritually! ( said with utmost love) I love church ministry , but I am ready and feel called to be with unchurched! We will always be in ministry! now maybe I will have time to write that book on who pastors the pastor! Yes there will be a couple chapters on taking care of his wife too!
Thank you Thom for highlighting this seldom mentioned issue. After a mere decade as a pastors life my biggest lesson has been to keep going back to scripture. I’ve been disappointed in church members, and I’m sure they been disappointed in me. But the New Testament is full of Christians who struggle with sin, with gossip, who fall out. Through my husbands pastoring of me I’ve realised I need to expect these issues and follow Christ example to continue love the church, even when she looks more like the bride of Frankenstein than than the bride if Christ! Remembering it’s His church, not ours enables me to hold loosely to criticism, and continue to serve even when I don’t get the reward my sinful heart desires. Having right expectations is a phrase I come back to frequently and frees me to love and preserve in relationships. Another large lesson has been that we are to serve the church rather than see it as a place to have our needs fulfilled. I have good friends in our church, but also close friends both christan and secular outside of the church. I pray that God would use your article and this discussion to help us all see again the priviledge and pitfalls this calling has. Blessings
This is an insightful article. I’m not saying it’s untrue, because I’ve definitely seen these things first hand to a certain extent. I do think there’s so much to be done to avoid a lot of it though, so I thought I’d share my experience as an associate pastor’s wife.
First, while it absolutely is my role as a wife to support, encourage and respect my husband, I recognize myself as so much more than someone who’s only role is behind the scenes. Wives, God has called us all to something big. Wife is first, but not all. Whether in a traditionally defined ministry role or something else completely, I’ve found that having something that is “yours,” something that God has given you a passion for and pursuing it as God leads, is a great balance. I’m a small business owner and as such, it brings balance to my husband’s ministry role. I support him and our church whole-heartedly and he supports me. For us, this is key.
We’re also blessed to be in a ministry community that is very aware of burnout and proactive about avoiding it in order to grow a healthy ministry and foster what are ultimately biblical family values.
Perhaps it’s already been covered (this is my first time to your site), but Thom I think it would be great to dig a little deeper into the points that pastor’s wives often feel like their husband’s aren’t pursuing them and are second to the church.
I know this is meant to be an eye-opening piece and I hope to some pastors it is. What I’d love to say to them is that while we as Christians, in any career capacity, are called to share the gospel and be a light to the world, we cannot save. That is something only Jesus can do. So we can take some of that weight off of trying to be all things to all people in the name of ministry. We point to Jesus, and Jesus, who is infinity more than us, does what only he can do. Ultimately, we are his witnesses, but he is our savior. He didn’t call us to be saviors. He didn’t call us to a life of over extension and burnout. In fact, the opposite. He called men to be husbands and fathers and heads of households.
Obviously all Christians are called to a life of ministry as church leaders and elsewhere. But in the end, what have you to say for putting your family on the back burner?
That’s not an effective way to lead ministry.
I know the burden of ministry. It’s actually a good thing, it compels us to spread the gospel and show the love of Jesus wherever and whenever we can.
I guess I just want to encourage the man (or woman) in ministry who may be struggling to find balance and put their family first with the truth that God’s got this. Jesus said HE would build his church. When our ministries are anchored in the gospel, they will prevail. Not because of us, but because Jesus said HE would build his church and not even the gates of hell would prevail against it.
So in light of that promise from the person, the God, we are trusting with our eternity, trust that if you tell someone you can’t meet with them because you’re taking your wife out on a date or you’re spending time with your kids, God’s got it. He actually always had it, and just let you be a part. He will build his church. So feel free to take your wife out on a date. Chances are when people see a pastor and his wife as such a united front, centered in Jesus, they’d feel awfully uncomfortable making snide remarks about their opinions on the preaching or diminishing the (frankly pretty esteemed) roll as pastor’s wife.
Your last paragraph is interesting! My favorite phrase is ‘God’s got this!’ My husband and I are definitely a united front- loving Jesus and loving people, my prayer is for those critics is to feel awfully uncomfortable! It is not always the case, for they feel they are doing ” the work of God” by criticizing us! I actually was criticized for being to passionate about sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ! My issue is when leadership do not handle situations biblically! Red flags! Matt 18,Matt 5 – I want to live out Matt 22:34-39! That means loving my critics and accusers! I am not saying I don’t wrestle with hurt! I pray the hurt prepares me for the next step of ministry!
The reasons listed could be used by any woman in the body of Christ. The fact that you are married to the pastor doesn’t change life. You still need to love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind. Stop looking at yourself and your “situation” and get busy doing what God has commanded. Titus says we are to be zealous for good deeds. Get busy serving and you won’t have a whole lot of time to hear negative complaints, you will be put along side sweet saints that have walked tougher battles of life than you and that always puts life in perspective. sorry but this pastors wife of 29 years feigns a yawn when I hear how “HARD” it is to be a pastor’s wife. In the words of my mother–“You don’t have it rough–You could be in a concentration camp!”
You say to “get busy serving and you won’t have time to hear the negative complaints”. Don’t worry, they’ll come anyway! It’s either “you do too much and are trying to take over the whole church” or “you need to serve in more areas”. We can’t please everyone in our church. And you make it seem like those of us who are sharing are sitting at home feeling sorry for ourselves 24/7 and not serving in our churches. Not so. Sounds like you need to practice a little grace.
Please forgive my lack of grace. I sincerely want to challenge our American mind set that it is all about us. If you are lonely, call someone, go visit an elderly shut in with your children, join a group in your community that you can share Jesus or many other things that would fit your life and stage. God has called us to serve. Remember who you are serving and the negative comments will roll off your back (with maybe a few tears).
That really doesn’t sound very gracious at all of you. You know, you don’t have to minimize someone’s suffering by trying to “put it in perspective.” If your mother did that to you, then it wasn’t any more right for her to do it to you than it is for you to do it to others. This sort of behavior is a form of gaslighting–implying that someone has no right to feel a particular way, robbing them of their feelings and their feelings’ validity, refusing to recognize those feelings. People’s emotions are valid and their concerns are valid. Telling them to COWBOY UP and DRIVE THROUGH IT isn’t really very helpful.
Please allow me to challenge your thinking. Where in the Bible would you find that people’s emotions and feelings are valid? I see instruction to guard our hearts and keep them with all diligence. To set our minds on things of God. and to serve the Lord with gladness. I didn’t mean to minimize anyone’s “suffering” but let’s not call silly things suffering either.
I just read this, so I’m way out of date, but wanted to support Claudia here. It can be a great blessing for clergy wives, or anyone, to share their pain and console each other. But it’s debilitating to get stuck at that point, and my experience is that clergy-wives-support groups usually do. There comes a time to stop exploring our own experience and reflecting on our own legitimate pain, and put those things aside. It really does work, to deliberately cut off such thoughts, and instead focus on what needs to be done; as she says, there is always someone who has suffered more than you. If you’re lonely, find someone even lonelier in the congregation and phone them, ask them to lunch. People who have suffered make strong and sensitive leaders. Claudia is right that there is no concern in the Bible for treating emotions tenderly. It doesn’t say “comforter” in John 14 but “paraklesis” which means someone called alongside to help. When the King James version chose “Comforter”, the word meant “with strength,” a strengthener. Today’s translations don’t use “Comforter” but “Helper” “Advocate” “Counselor.” It never was about focusing on emotional pain.
Claudia, while you are right about staying other focused and serving, I think this article and subsequent responses were a safe place for people to share their feelings and experiences. I don’t think it was a place where they were requesting scolding. I came to this site after googling “blog for pastors wives who are struggling”. Even though I am sad for all of those that are hurting, it also was reassuring that I am not alone in my feelings. Yes, we aren’t to rely on feelings, but we are made in God’s image and that includes emotions. Feeling sad and lonely are exactly that, feeling sad and lonely. What we do with those feelings is another thing. I don’t believe any of these ladies actually acted out on these feelings (meaning they don’t isolate themselves, but continue to pull up their boot straps and continue on serving), but this was just a place to say, hey I am lonely, too. Your response is the typical response I get from my husband, just deal with it and don’t go on feelings, which further saddens me. I think these ladies on this site simply want an “I understand” or to validate what you are feeling, that you are NOT alone. Knowing that I am not alone is all I needed to continue on. Otherwise, thinking we are the ONLY ones to feel this way gives way to feeling like a failure. Does that make sense? I agree we need to serve, I think that is an obvious statement. We just need to continue to encourage each other and lift each other up.
I DO remember God saying he was sending a comforter. The Holy Spirit to comfort us in times of trouble. Jesus sympathizes with the fact that we are humans with human emotions. If a congregant’s mother passed away, would you scold her for mourning? No, the word says to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. I don’t recall it saying anywhere to tell someone that is hurting and feeling lonely to suck it up. But to encourage in love. We ARE human. We WILL have human emotions. Most of these ladies have been treated poorly yet they continue on in ministry loving God. Nothing has changed with their love for God nor their passion for ministry. We are allowed to feel what we feel without it being selfish. And we can be as Christ is, compassionate, loving and merciful. He cares about our emotions, our hurt feelings, and our loneliness. He even cares about those who will not comfort, but instead ridicule and belittle.
I have been a pastor’s wife for over 20 years, the last nine as a church planter’s wife. I too know the loneliness of ministry, but I feel so blessed to be in a church where we had the opportunity to grow and disciple our people from the ground up. No, it’s not easy and it isn’t financially stable sometimes, but the beauty of Christ’s body shared at our church makes me really sad for some of my sisters in ministry who commented above. I can’t even wrap my mind around someone who calls themselves a Christian but would question how we (pastors and wives) spend our money or threaten us if we decided to buy a home. I suppose it’s good I’m not the pastor’s wife at those churches, I might not be able to hold my tongue.
I have had to implement several things in my life to combat the loneliness and I’ll be honest, sometimes I’m still lonely.
1) I had to take control of my relationships and not wait for them to come to me. I had to create the “group” or “ladies night girls” that I wanted to be with and make that happen instead of waiting to be invited.
2) I take very seriously the mentorship of our staff wives. Our staff has been smaller and larger at times, but I always make an effort to meet with our staff wives and elders wives. This is so important to me because when I was the young staff wife, none of the pastor’s wives we worked with took the time to mentor or train me. I realized later they had their own things to deal with, but at the time it really hurt.
3) Counseling, Counseling, Counseling: Sooooooooo worthwhile. If you can find a good, godly counselor, it can be a huge release of the pressure valve called Pastor’s Wife.
4) Leading and Loving It – mentioned above is also a good resource. Going to conferences with your spouse, making friendships with other women dealing with the same thing, is a huge way to alleviate some of the loneliness.
Thanks Thom for bringing to light these issues (loneliness of pastor’s wives, difficulty making friendships) that often lurk in the dark. Thanks for creating this dialogue! Blessings to you and your wife!
I’m a student pastor and some of my volunteers questioned why my wife was not active and involved in the student ministry. I had to remind them that the church hired me, not her, so she can serve in whatever way she desires. How am I being a loving husband if I force her to serve in my area of ministry. She will be serving in student ministry soon, but it was on her terms. Her taking time to be in a class with others and develop close relationships was the best thing for her.
I have been a pastor’s wife for 14 years. There are times of loneliness and being ignored. This has strongly encouraged me to strengthen my relationship with Christ. I use to whine to my husband about members doing this and that but I whine to God instead. God has taken me under His wing. He has comforted, strengthen and taken the feelings of loneliness away. Life has way too many things to do instead of seeking friendship from people I seek God’s friendship. People will do what they do. Just gotta love them. I am a daughter of the King and I act like one. Not a child of the devil, whining and weak. There is a solution. Seek God and get stronger for the church of God. Not the church of people.
Great advice for all Christians. Make your relationship with God priority so you can stand against the devil’s schemes.