I am in a position of fairly visible leadership. I have written books and articles and blog posts as well. I am fair game for critics. I should expect criticisms.
I respond to some of the criticisms; some of them I don’t. I have my reasons for each, though I know I am often fallible in my judgment on those matters.
My Emotional Reaction to Criticism
Though I may be setting myself up for admitting it, I confess that I am a relatively thin-skinned person. Criticisms make me feel lousy. More times than I would like to admit, I get defensive when I encounter criticisms. My first reaction is to respond with my own heated rhetoric. That is why I usually hold to my own twenty-four hour rule: Don’t respond until twenty-four hours have passed. If I wait a day, I will respond more reasonably; or I will elect not to respond at all.
So why have I allowed myself to lead an organization and write books and articles when I know I’m opening myself up for criticisms? How does a thin-skinned introvert allow these things to happen? Good questions. I haven’t figured them out myself. One possible answer is that I am really stupid. In fact, I think that is the more logical answer.
The Other Side of Criticisms
But I began this article with the title clearly stating that I’m speaking directly to my critics. Please allow me to do so.
Despite my fleshly weaknesses in dealing with you critics, I really owe you my deepest appreciation. You remind me that I am fallible, and that I should never think I can do or say things well in my own power. If I become proud because I think I’ve accomplished something significant, you offer me balance and perspective.
Many of you who are critical of me are right, and I am wrong. I need to remember that. When I come to the haughty conclusion that I am an expert or person of influence, you remind me that there are millions of people smarter than I am, wiser than I am, and more godly than I am.
Some of you are critical of me because you are hurting. I am connected to something or have said something that has caused you pain. Instead of being defensive to you, I need to be more pastoral, more Christ-like, and more concerned. I need to see past the anger and to see the child of God that you are.
Thank You
Please allow me to conclude with a few painful truths. First, I am fearful that this article will open me up to more criticisms. I should rejoice when God uses you as an instrument to humble me, but I am still weak and fearful. Second, I don’t want to pretend that this article is some type of resolution that will make me the perfect recipient of criticisms. I know I will still fail and continue to struggle with my weaknesses.
But I do want you to know, critics, that I thank you for your words of admonition. I have a strange relationship with you. I dread you and I need you. There will be times when I am right and you are wrong. But there will be many times when you are right and I am wrong.
Could I boldly ask you to do one thing for me if you are my critic? It is unfair to ask anything of you since you are already disappointed in me, my words, or my actions. Will you pray that I will have God-given wisdom to deal with those who disagree with me? Only in His strength can I ever hope to be the kind of leader He wants me to be.
Thank you, critics. I really do appreciate you.
Strange words from me. Strange words indeed.
Posted on August 31, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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109 Comments
Dr. Rainer,
I wish I had had this letter in my files years ago! It would’ve been an awesome tool to pull out and read (ESPECIALLY when those anonymous letters would mysteriously show up) and a terrific model letter for those which were not so anonymous!
Consider it saved to my Evernote files now!
Thanks so much Phillip.
For what it’s worth, as an introvert myself, I respect anyone who can overcome the tendency to avoid attention.
It takes real courage.
Thanks SU.
Thom,
I have not read the replies to your post as yet, so what I am about to say may have already been stated. If so, I apologize. I don’t think any of us should not expect criticism, especially if we are in leadership positions. And I think criticism is necessary. But the one thing I try to do when disagreeing with anyone is to be sure that I do it in such a way as to not attack them. Too many critics are just downright mean. That is unbiblical, ungodly and unnecessary. I can take most any criticism if it is directed at me properly. I think most of us can. Proverb 15:1 (NIV) states: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I will place you on my prayer list. May God bless you as you continue to help and support all of us who are just as fallible as you.
Well said Leon. Thank you.
Lots of changes going on in the church with the senior adults, the young adults, music, leadership and other issues. Someone is responsible and it must be you….and me….and anyone who is trying to make a difference. I love your blog and share it often with others. You are right on in what you say and I thank you. For every critic, you have thousands who are supporting your comments and leadership.
Larry –
Your reminder is needed and your encouragement is powerful. Thank you so very much.
Thom,
Thanks for post and thanks for your investment in my life ten years ago. Looking back, can see the mosaic of our Lord’s plan.
Appreciate transparency of sharing your processes for dealing with criticism. Meaningful for the Body of Christ, Christian leaders In economic marketplace, and combinations thereof.
Your courageous leadership is appreciated.
Danny Hedgepeth
Athens, Georgia
Thank you Danny. It’s great to hear from you again friend.
God is not concerned at all about your shyness, introversion, insecurity, etc. He knows what He has gifted you to do and He anticipates your doing it. See, He KNOWS He’s able to sustain you and enable you, and all He requires is your obedience.
1 Corinthians 2:17 in living color, in some degree or other.
The 24-hour deal is good. I always ask myself “What if this is EXACTLY what God had in mind to happen?” The only answer to that, for me, is that He’s more interested in my reaction, than He is in the criticism. The 24 hours also gives one the time to assess whether there is any truth in the criticism, from which we can learn.
Last, remember the old adage: “Pleasing everybody pleases nobody”.
Thank you Bob so very much. I am always glad to hear from you.
Thom, thanks for this great article. As a pastor who has endured some pretty painful criticism, I have to say that this challenged me to view it in an entirely different light. Thank you.
I have to also say that I’m scratching my head trying to figure out why people are criticizing you. 🙂 I don’t see much in your ministry worth criticizing, but oh well….
Thank you Brian. The more you get to know me, the more you will see the messes I often make.
Dr. Thom,
This may be a bit long, but it points to how vital your ministry through this Blog is to people in my situation, and many others I’m sure.
During my career I have been an executive for companies large and small, private and public, for others and for myself. I have had the mansions and yachts and all of the other material things, which today I consider garbage.
Nearly eight years ago, I was called form the Board Room to ministry and I could not resist His voice. God put me to work immediately, so I never had time for Seminary. I went to work helping to plant SBC churches in Central Florida, learning, teaching and preaching along the way. We were then lead to move to Michigan, where I worked in ministry full time for the past couple of years. I have been blessed with the ability to do this good work without compensation of any kind from the local churches. It has been humbling and a great honor and privilege.
Over the past several years God has brought various people into my life to guide me as I go, whether in person or virtually, like through your Blog. Some have been exceptional teachers, others have been an encouragement by offering a shoulder to lean on or an ear to hear, or simply brothers in Christ opening doors so that I can answer the call God has on my life.
This Blog is an important part of what keeps me humble, focused, motivated and moving forward. I have written here before that nobody writes so much that hits home so hard. You fearlessly tackle, or at least expose some of the most difficult issues facing the church today. You never pretend to have all the answers and you always seek feedback, even if it results in a harsh critique. Thank you for the lesson.
Thom, I appreciate your humility, transparency and openness. I hope to continue to learn here and to participate as a source of encouragement for you and anyone else who is willing to stand center stage, proclaiming truth… while taking arrows.
Though I have never met you, I am coming to know you as you openly share your heart on these pages.
In His Grip-
Jonathon –
I am almost at a loss for words for a change. I am incredibly humbled by your comments.
I will say that one of the greatest rewards of this blog is the community that’s developing. You have become one of those people that have made the blog what it is today. You offer quick encouragement, but you speak your mind in a Christlike way. I always look forward to your comments.
Thank you friend.
This is the most ridiculous post I have ever read! How could a man of your. . .
Sorry, but I couldn’t resist.
Let me join the others in saying that this is my favorite blog by a mile, and I appreciate the grace that you’ve shown today.
Keep up the good work.
And you are one of my favorite commenters. Thanks Tom.
I ditto what Scott Carson said above. You have been one conduit of God’s grace into my life and ministry. Stay the course; your heart for Jesus is evident in all you do! I am deeply grateful for the investment of your life into the Gospel and into mine!
And you have just made a major investment into mine. Thank you Michael.
Thank you so much. I know where you are but do not have the words to express how I feel.
I fully understand Gary. Thank you.
Once again, I’m blown away by your transparency. I don’t think you know that you are not supposed to lead like that…:). Thanks for doing it differently.
Thanks Stephen. Unfortunately my “better side” shows in my blog posts. I am really a struggler in many ways.