I am in a position of fairly visible leadership. I have written books and articles and blog posts as well. I am fair game for critics. I should expect criticisms.
I respond to some of the criticisms; some of them I don’t. I have my reasons for each, though I know I am often fallible in my judgment on those matters.
My Emotional Reaction to Criticism
Though I may be setting myself up for admitting it, I confess that I am a relatively thin-skinned person. Criticisms make me feel lousy. More times than I would like to admit, I get defensive when I encounter criticisms. My first reaction is to respond with my own heated rhetoric. That is why I usually hold to my own twenty-four hour rule: Don’t respond until twenty-four hours have passed. If I wait a day, I will respond more reasonably; or I will elect not to respond at all.
So why have I allowed myself to lead an organization and write books and articles when I know I’m opening myself up for criticisms? How does a thin-skinned introvert allow these things to happen? Good questions. I haven’t figured them out myself. One possible answer is that I am really stupid. In fact, I think that is the more logical answer.
The Other Side of Criticisms
But I began this article with the title clearly stating that I’m speaking directly to my critics. Please allow me to do so.
Despite my fleshly weaknesses in dealing with you critics, I really owe you my deepest appreciation. You remind me that I am fallible, and that I should never think I can do or say things well in my own power. If I become proud because I think I’ve accomplished something significant, you offer me balance and perspective.
Many of you who are critical of me are right, and I am wrong. I need to remember that. When I come to the haughty conclusion that I am an expert or person of influence, you remind me that there are millions of people smarter than I am, wiser than I am, and more godly than I am.
Some of you are critical of me because you are hurting. I am connected to something or have said something that has caused you pain. Instead of being defensive to you, I need to be more pastoral, more Christ-like, and more concerned. I need to see past the anger and to see the child of God that you are.
Thank You
Please allow me to conclude with a few painful truths. First, I am fearful that this article will open me up to more criticisms. I should rejoice when God uses you as an instrument to humble me, but I am still weak and fearful. Second, I don’t want to pretend that this article is some type of resolution that will make me the perfect recipient of criticisms. I know I will still fail and continue to struggle with my weaknesses.
But I do want you to know, critics, that I thank you for your words of admonition. I have a strange relationship with you. I dread you and I need you. There will be times when I am right and you are wrong. But there will be many times when you are right and I am wrong.
Could I boldly ask you to do one thing for me if you are my critic? It is unfair to ask anything of you since you are already disappointed in me, my words, or my actions. Will you pray that I will have God-given wisdom to deal with those who disagree with me? Only in His strength can I ever hope to be the kind of leader He wants me to be.
Thank you, critics. I really do appreciate you.
Strange words from me. Strange words indeed.
Posted on August 31, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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109 Comments
Dr Rainer,
I’ve been reading your posts for about six months and I’ve learned a great deal from you. Thank you for using your experiences to help me. I’ve just begun working on a Master of Arts in Theological Studies, a dream this accountant has had for many years. I feel called into ministry and am finally opening myself to God. I just read that you graduated from Alabama. I’m a recent transplant to northern Alabama. My strongest spiritual gift is encouragement. I experience joy and love from encouraging others in their walk and struggles. It breaks my heart when I hear critics tearing down my pastor or other Christians. Thank you for teaching me how to deal with critics. I will pray for them and look past their anger to their pain now. I will begin praying for your critics and the pain they cause you. God is using you to teach and mentor me and I consider your writings to be one of the best I read. Thank you for sharing with me. I am grateful for the internet or I would never be exposed to such Godly men and women that completely without knowing your readers, you continue to change lives and disciple many people like me. Thank you brother Thom. It is my privilege to know you.
Margaret Ames
Huntsville, Alabama
Margaret –
What a blessing you are! I have no doubt you have identified correctly your dominant spiritual gift. Keep using it; you have blessed me with it.
God’s blessings in your MATS studies.
That’s a lousy way to respond to criticism, what a waste of time and pixels! You should be ashamed! Tell me what you really think tomorrow. Ok, ok, just kidding here! Excellent article and a great way of approaching criticism. The “death by a thousand paper cuts” probably claims its share of ministers. The real question is why the proliferation of sharp-tongued critics among God’s people. Blessings upon you, Thom, and keep up the good job!
Thanks Al. That’s funny.
Thom,
I was mildly surprised (and appreciative) of your transparency and openness in this post. The more I read the more I kept thinking “He’s talking about me!” I, too, am the introverted, thin-skinned type and have taken criticisms through the years (whether it be personal or as a pastor) much too personally. Yes, they bothered me because the criticisms would strike at the chink in my armor – the perceived need to be liked by everyone. Satan knows this and that’s where he tries to attack me as a leader. Through the years, however, of personal maturation, 25+ years as a pastor and Registered Nurse, and the Holy Spirit’s working on my heart, I have slowly come to realize that the most vociferous critics have deep-seated issues (spiritual or physical) that they have never resolved and that their criticisms of me are actually the outward manifestations of the battle going on inside of them. That is why I, like you, turn to prayer for them, and for me and I have learned to have the courage to confront them to try to find out what it is that is REALLY bothering them. One thing that I have learned in nursing, and eight years in a chemotherapy clinic, is that many times people’s words don’t convey what it truly going on deep within them. Getting to the core issue becomes a priority with me.
Thanks for one of the best posts I have ever read and we appreciate all you have done for the kingdom, Thom. Absolutely love the HCSB.
Until He Comes,
Rev. Scott Davis, RN
Missouri
I am really overwhelmed with your words Scott. Thank you for being an encourager even though you have been the recipient of criticisms yourself.
As a young minister I thank you for this advice today (and always on your blog). In kids ministry there are far more critics than I imagined. I thank you for the reminder that often critics are “truth presented badly” but still truth that needs to be heard and faced.
Tom –
I love that phrase: “truth presented badly.”
Many years ago I heard Doctor Bryant Hicks say that critics, or opponents, were “fiscalizers” who force us to slow down and determine God’s direction for our lives. That has been a great help to me over the years. Still doesn’t feel good but it seems to have purpose
Waylen –
Totally agree.
Yes. Soul searching is a painful process that we prefer to avoid. We only do it when forced to. And criticism is one of the most effective “forces.”
You are welcome. Now get back to work! jd
Yes sir! : )
Thom,
Thanks for these timely words. I am beginning tomorrow as the transitional pastor of a very dysfunctional church with lots of critics. I am memorizing your responses for the deluge of criticism just ahead.
Rodger
And I am praying for you right now Rodger.
Can I plagarize this and read it at my next business meeting?
Absolutely.
Hi Thom,
Thank you for the good advice on dealing with criticism.
I have a much smaller sphere of influence and like you I have found honesty, integrity, humility and love.
Generally, even my critics appreciate these qualities… I find I am more vulnerable when I have some separate, secret or personal agenda driving my decisions and responses.
My desire is to live openly and honestly before God and others.
Lee
Good word Lee.
I commend you for your transparency in dealing with those who criticize you, and for sharing your personal insights concerning such. What you have shared is helpful to all of us – thank you!
Thank you so much Roy.
Thank you for your words. As a pastor, I have recently taken some harsh criticism from just a handful of people in the local church where I serve. These words were an encouragement to me and are helping me look at this situation from different perspectives. I have to remember that God loves my critics and I need to look at them, love them, and pray for them through the eyes of Jesus. Thank you!
Shane –
I am taking a few moments to pray for you right now.
I will never understand the need that so many have to criticize. Dialogue and working through in a gracious way maybe…but criticism. Especially heavy handed or petty criticism makes absolutel no sense to me and I think probably is the sin of pride on the part of the critics.
Thom, I appreciate your gracious spirit and attitude. I try to have the same…don’t always succeed.
What struck me though is that your columns are free! Why would I criticize a free gift? If I continually disagreed with you, I’d stop reading you. If enough people stopped reading you, you’d probably stop writing or change the direction. But to criticize a free gift seems very rude and even ungrateful.
Then, I’d venture that most of your readers are pastors or ministry types. Most of us face a continual barrage of criticism and second guessing of our words, actions and ministries. Why in the world would I have any desire to do that to someone else?
If anything, I feel guilty for not thanking you. Your materials are free. You have put them out there for the benefit of the Kingdom. You have insights and expertise that I will never in a million years have (well, maybe in a million). In fact, I have never read anything that you have written and not been stretched and challenged.
I’m not the pastor of a large church. I’m just trying to be faithful (I’m starting my 26th year in the same church). Your books and articles help me not become complacent.
So thank you Thom!! I think I at least owe you a lunch (really lots more than that). So if you’re ever in my area…
God’s blessings on you my friend!
Scott Carson
Grace Church – Burlington, WI
You know what Scott!? You have “paid me back” many times over with your words today. I am keeping them before me as a reminder of how blessed I am. Thank you friend.