A few years ago, I wrote a post on pastors’ children. According to the comments and the views, I obviously hit a nerve. Some of the comments came from pastors themselves. But a number of comments came from the children of pastors.
Since that article, I have continued to receive comments from children who grew up in pastors’ homes. There is a consistent theme going through many of their perspectives and emotions. Many of them had very positive experiences; but many did not.
Through hundreds of comments and conversations, I have been able to distill five things every child of a pastor would like to hear from their pastor/parent. Indeed, those who heard these five things consistently are those who have the healthiest attitudes toward the church today.
- You have the freedom to be a normal kid. “I don’t place different expectations on you because you are a PK. At times, you may feel pressure to act differently or be different because you are my child. Ignore those pressures. Know that I have none of those expectations, and you can live a normal and happy childhood.”
- I’ve got your back. “Yes, there are some ornery church members. In fact, some of them are just downright mean. You may hear negative things or be criticized personally. While I can’t change that, I will defend you. I won’t let a church member run over you. You always come before church members.”
- I want to spend more time with you than church members. “There will be times where you might think I care for church members more than I care for you. I will let a so-called emergency interrupt our meals or cancel our plans. I am trying to be more intentional about doing those things that communicate you are more important than church members. I want you to know that I really will spend more time with you.”
- I love your mom. “It can be tough at times to be a PK. And it can be tough to be a pastor’s wife as well. As I have said to you, I say to your mom. She comes before church activities and church members. I have her back as well. I love both of you so much, and I never want either of you to doubt that.”
- There is a lot of good in this church. “You are in a position where you often see the negative side of church life. You get a firsthand view of the critics and complainers. But there are many good people in this church. There are many church members who support our whole family. Don’t become cynical toward the church because of the negative voices you have to hear. Let me tell you about some of the good people and good things happening in our church.”
The pastor’s kid can be in a position to experience both the extreme highs and the extreme lows of local church ministry. And while the pastor is not totally responsible for how that child responds later in life, he can have a profound influence on him or her.
There are many pastors and pastors’ kids who read this blog. I look forward to hearing from you and from others about this issue.
Posted on December 15, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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35 Comments
We did our best to do exactly what you wrote about today. Our oldest two would keep their mouth shut around the small town when things were said about their Dad and me. Not until the last couple of years have the three (now they are 28, 27 and soon to be 24) of them shared what they heard or how they were treated when we weren’t around. Our youngest loved to hide in the church in the many rooms it had. They didn’t know he was anywhere around when chatting about how horrible of a Pastor they had on their hands. He didn’t share with us until the last couple of years so you can imagine how hard of a heart that he has about church. It makes me so sad about churches that would treat their children even if they are the “Pastor’s Kids”. Thank you for sharing on this blog so others may see and it will click.
Susan
Thanks Thom, good reminders. I have often found (although our child is only 2!) that telling him when I will be back from ‘work’ reassures him that home is home, not the church office or the activity.
However, don’t say any of them if it is not the truth. Telling anyone that you have his/her back and then not having it is a recipe for disaster.
Great post, and a great reminder to all in ministry. This will definitely be on my mind as my daughter grows up in the ministry.
Pastor Ryan
All very good points. In regard to #4, though…remember that sometimes the pastor/minister in the family is the mom. Worthwhile to express in neutral terms. Thanks for the article.
Thanks, Dawn.
Agreed.
When in Seminary, I was deeply saddened by how many married students with children took 20+ hours each semester, including through the summer. They did this on the premise that the sooner they graduated the sooner they would get to spend time with family.
Sadly, many of the children did not feel comfortable with their father because they never saw them, even cried when they tried to pick them up. My daughter was one year old when I started Seminary. I worked a full-time job and always attended “full-time” (required to live in Seminary housing), but took the minimum to qualify as a full-time student. It took six years to graduate. Many of my papers were turned in late with a letter explaining that my daughter wanted to play catch, so I chose to do so rather than finish my paper. Seldom did the professors fail to dock my grade. I don’t regret one late paper or one test without adequate study time. My daughter always ran into my arms, and still does as an independent adult middle school teacher.
I always told my Seminary classmates who never spent time with their family that the priorities they were establishing in school were what they would maintain in ministry. My relationship with God permeates every aspect of my life and cannot be viewed as a priority, it is everything. Beyond that my priorities are, in order, first family, then church, just as they were in school, first family, then school (work, providing for my family is included in family, and done for family, thus helping to keep it in proper perspective).
I know this is long, but this is important. I wonder today how many of those classmates are still in ministry, or worse, are still married. I wonder
Wise man, brother. I also had 3 kids in seminary, worked at least 2 part-time jobs, and took at least 11.5 credits to qualify as a “fulltime” student in order to maximize my GI Bill benefits. By God’s grace, I graduated in 3.5 years, but did not get to wear that bright, shiny yellow rope around my shoulder at graduation and hear “Summa Cum Laude” after my name because there were many times when I decided to put the books down in favor of a lower grade and time with my wife and kids…and that’s OK. My seminary really stressed not neglecting family. I’m thankful for that.
I agree with this list and as a bit of an addendum to the ‘normal kid’ department, I’d add another point. My kids grew up in a small church I pastored and as they reached teenage, there weren’t a lot of kids their age, nor was there lots of funds for teen events. They had always been the first to show up, the last to leave and had helped with everything from cleaning to handyman projects around the church. As they reached driving age, I gave them the option to attend elsewhere, to be able to experience life outside our little church.
While they did visit with some of the big churches in the area, they stayed with us…but of their own free will. My son played in the church praise band until we lost him in an accident at 18. My daughter worked with younger kids until she went to college and now serves with her husband as youth leaders in their church. I believe having the freedom to choose where to worship as they matured was a crucial step in their walk.
We did the same when our kids reached teen years but we had a different result. Different kids. Different families. However, now that they are adults, and have explored other lifestyles, they are making their way back. Scary times for us in the in-between, but I don’t regret allowing them to find their own faith in their own way.
As a first generation pastor and Christian (with 3 kids already), this is the stuff that I love to read and see. A lot of my life is uncharted waters and I appreciate this pastoral wisdom. I will definitely and immediately begin to utilize these thoughts in my home.
Thank you, Pastor Rainer.
When I was in high school, we had an elderly man serve as interim pastor of our church. He was often irritated by the stereotype that “pastors’ kids are always the worst”. His reply: “That’s only because they run around with the deacons’ kids!”
I’m a pastor who grew up as a deacon’s kid, and I have to admit there is some truth in that! 🙂
I think this is very good. I think this is not just for PKs, but for ALL leadership staffs children. I think people see that these kids should be different and treat they different or harder then the rest of kids in Kids Church. Kids are kids no matter who or what their parents do to serve in the church.
You are so right, Mary. Thanks.
Great list, but how sad is it that we pastors need to be reminded about these issues? And if you cannot say #5 heartily, or if your kids would never believe it, it’s long past time to move on. If you doubt me, how many times have you counseled someone to leave a job that was doing damage to their family?
Thanks, Dave.
Thank you for these helpful and important reminders. I think sometimes we can also get caught up into the expectation of our kids needing to be mini theologians. For most PKs this is just not the case. They may have more interest in other things right now, just like a normal kid or teen.
God bless!
Good word, David.