A few years ago, I wrote a post on pastors’ children. According to the comments and the views, I obviously hit a nerve. Some of the comments came from pastors themselves. But a number of comments came from the children of pastors.
Since that article, I have continued to receive comments from children who grew up in pastors’ homes. There is a consistent theme going through many of their perspectives and emotions. Many of them had very positive experiences; but many did not.
Through hundreds of comments and conversations, I have been able to distill five things every child of a pastor would like to hear from their pastor/parent. Indeed, those who heard these five things consistently are those who have the healthiest attitudes toward the church today.
- You have the freedom to be a normal kid. “I don’t place different expectations on you because you are a PK. At times, you may feel pressure to act differently or be different because you are my child. Ignore those pressures. Know that I have none of those expectations, and you can live a normal and happy childhood.”
- I’ve got your back. “Yes, there are some ornery church members. In fact, some of them are just downright mean. You may hear negative things or be criticized personally. While I can’t change that, I will defend you. I won’t let a church member run over you. You always come before church members.”
- I want to spend more time with you than church members. “There will be times where you might think I care for church members more than I care for you. I will let a so-called emergency interrupt our meals or cancel our plans. I am trying to be more intentional about doing those things that communicate you are more important than church members. I want you to know that I really will spend more time with you.”
- I love your mom. “It can be tough at times to be a PK. And it can be tough to be a pastor’s wife as well. As I have said to you, I say to your mom. She comes before church activities and church members. I have her back as well. I love both of you so much, and I never want either of you to doubt that.”
- There is a lot of good in this church. “You are in a position where you often see the negative side of church life. You get a firsthand view of the critics and complainers. But there are many good people in this church. There are many church members who support our whole family. Don’t become cynical toward the church because of the negative voices you have to hear. Let me tell you about some of the good people and good things happening in our church.”
The pastor’s kid can be in a position to experience both the extreme highs and the extreme lows of local church ministry. And while the pastor is not totally responsible for how that child responds later in life, he can have a profound influence on him or her.
There are many pastors and pastors’ kids who read this blog. I look forward to hearing from you and from others about this issue.
Posted on December 15, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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35 Comments
Don’t forget the ‘Dads’ who are the clergy spouse. It is important for my husband and I to be spiritual leaders together of our family at home. Being a pastor’s husband is complex and confusing to some folks.
I was blessed to be a PK, and I have to say I heard all of those good things from my parents all my childhood. One by necessity becomes a repository of at least partial secrets, most people do not have acquaintances crying in the living room at 3 am.
However, I came to understand the gift of being loved by the congregation. My father was a truly beloved pastor. Please exam your ministry. If there is really so much negativity in your congregation, there must be some changes made by the power of the Holy Spirit in you and your congregation.
Thank you for this article. I am privileged to have experienced this kind of a father. I always felt special and that he would stand up for me (and my sister) regardless. What a sense of security but also gave me the freedom to enjoy his joy in serving the Lord. Still love ministry to this day.
I am a grown PK and I agree with this article, except for #1. While it is easy for you to tell your kids to just be yourself, I think there is a place and time for that. I can say I was a very sassy child, if I had been given the opportunity to be myself, it would not have been pretty.
My father had expectations of how we were to act when company came over, church visitation, events and so forth. It was not restrictive, but more along the lines of respectful.
I really think it should depend on how the PK acts and carries themselves before you give them reign to be themselves.
We have close relatives who are PK’s and it’s also best for PK’s to see their pastoral parents speaking up to inappropriate individuals in the church and community. Too often, PK’s have watched their pastoral parents get run over by bad attitude congregants, self-absorbed, bullying people, and the effect it has on the PK’s is negative–no matter what firm, loving things a pastoral parent might s-a-y to their children in private. The most loving, defending, parenting pastor can also silently teach their child that evil is not worth standing up to, that indeed you don’t push back at evil, if the pastor is not willing to do so in the church in which they work. If you tell your child you have their back in the church, then you better have it to the death (including of your job). Because PK’s go to work with their parents in a way that few other kids do and observe situations involving their parents that other kids might never. Watching pastoral parents who won’t firmly stand up to evil (or even just pettiness) in their church results in kids who might grow up loved, but who are neutered (and to some extent helpless) individuals when challenged relationally. We have seen it over and over again in adult PK’s……
As an older adult PK, I appreciate your post. Nobody can hurt you like a church, so the last one may be the most important for the preservation of your kids’ faith. My parents decided very early that they would never require me to be different to fit congregants’ expectations, so I did not grow up with the bitterness many PKs feel. Now, as the husband of a pastor, I still see the hurts that churches’ members can inflict on their leaders. But I also see the joy that comes from serving our God in leadership roles.
I tell people that I was born in a parsonage and now I’ll die in one. ;-} And that’s a good thing.
Great article that speaks to our home conversations…especially the last one since pastor families hear ALL the dirty laundry of the church. But, there are different dynamics at play for is FEMALE pastors.
Yes. The female pastors need to be strong enough to hold up when under attack.
#3 and #5 most especially. We did the other numbers, but I wish when my kids were small someone would have advised us to verbalize #3 and #5 other than just act it. I remember losing church members as a result of sticking up for our kids, or at the very least, having “dramatic” board meetings. I always made it clear that my children weren’t church property.
My sons have been deeply hurt by church folks, but now as adults who have explored other lifestyles outside of Christianity, my boys are finding their way back and are back in church with us! Those were scary times, but one thing I’ve emphasized over and over again is that people are people everywhere, not just church. That church is indeed full of hypocrites. If it wasn’t, Jesus wouldn’t have had to die. I’ve reminded them that just because church folks are saved doesn’t mean they are perfect, and that the church is a hospital where hurting people come to get better. And hurting people often hurt other people.
Imagine my joy of seeing my son sit in church yesterday with his three daughters. This after years of not wanting to be there. He now comes of his own free will. He still hasn’t answered the call I know is on his life, but the story God is writing for Him isn’t finished yet. And I have complete faith in God’s ability to woo him.
Raising kids in this culture is difficult, more difficult than ever. But I know with God’s grace, pastors’ families can find the wisdom they need to navigate the hardest and most challenging ministry of their lives: that of rearing children who love the Lord with all their heart, souls and minds. Praise God for His grace!
“We did the other numbers, but I wish when my kids were small someone would have advised us to verbalize #3 and #5 other than just act it. I remember losing church members as a result of sticking up for our kids, or at the very least, having “dramatic” board meetings.”
This happened in regular life too. Many old people would rat out a kid to his father for doing anything that they thought was improper, like walking with his hands in his pockets but his thumbs out. Old biddies in college towns would rat out students to the Dean of Students for the most minor of offenses. This just led to massive dislike and distrust.