I am among the most blessed men in the world. God has graciously saved me and sustained me. I have an incredible family. The place and ministry where I serve vocationally is a gift from God.
And then, as if I should be blessed even more, God has allowed me to serve and hear from church leaders across the world. In this article, I share some insights I heard from church members via social media, emails, blog comments, and personal conversations.
The following nine statements are heart matters for many church members. For the most part, these members are not the perpetual critics and the business meeting naysayers. These are men and women who truly love their pastors. But many of them do have some words from the heart they would like to share with their pastors. But many are reticent to do so, because they know their pastors often receive criticisms and inordinate demands for attention.
So, hear these heartfelt words from church members who love their pastors, from men and women who truly desire the best for them.
- “Let me know you really care for me.” That does not mean you call me regularly or that you visit me on demand. It is more of a disposition, or maybe words from the pulpit that demonstrate your love for the members. We can tell if you really care for us and love us.
- “Teach me the Bible.” I know you are inundated with requests, and the expectations for your time are often unreasonable. But please do not let those people distract you from your time in the Word. I am hungry for biblical teaching and preaching. Please spend time studying the Word so you can teach us well.
- “Help me deal with change.” This world and culture are changing so fast that I find myself dealing with fear and uncertainly. Help me understand the steadfastness of God in a turbulent world. And understand that my fear of change in the church is often related to my fear of change in the world. So lead me gently as you lead change in the church.
- “Don’t lead too far ahead.” I do want you to lead us. But don’t get so far ahead of us that we mistake you for the enemy and shoot you in the rear. I know change is necessary, but learn the pace of change that is best for our church.
- “Help me deal with family issues.” Some of us are in struggling marriages. Some of us are lonely whether we are single or married. Some of us have problems with our children. Some of us are dealing with aging parents. We hurt deeply when we have hurts about our families. Show us biblical truths about these issues. And show us your pastoral heart and concern for these issues.
- “Be transparent.” We know you are imperfect, but the critics sometimes cause you to hide your faults. For sure, we don’t want every nitty gritty personal detail about you and your family. But we do want to know that you have some of the same struggles we do. It helps us to identify with you better. It helps us to pray for you more.
- “Don’t get defensive when I offer constructive criticism.” I know that this one is tough. You get so many criticisms already; many of them are petty and self-serving. But there are many of us who love you and will, on rare occasions, offer some words that we think are best for you. Hear us without being defensive. Pray that God’s Spirit will help you discern when you should listen and when you should ignore.
- “Pray for me.” Please let me know that you love your church members so much that you pray for us regularly. Let us know that you consider prayer for the members to be one of your highest priorities.
- “Give me hope.” This world confuses me. This degenerating culture scares me. Show me how God has dealt with such hopeless times in the past that they may be times of hope for me today. Show me Christ’s possibilities, His hope, and His encouragement in difficult days.
Pastors, your task is not easy. Indeed, it is impossible without Christ’s strength. You have many church members who love you. They are often the silent members and, thus, the disregarded members. Hear these words from healthy church members that you might be even a better pastor to them.
What would you add, church member? What would you add, pastor or staff? How do these nine sentences resonate with you?
My blog post this coming Saturday: “Nine Heartfelt Things Pastors Would Like to Say to Their Church Members.”
Posted on May 21, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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50 Comments
wow. Dr Rainer. I continue to be amazed at how dead on your blog posts are week, after week, after week. Thank you for your ministry.
Thank you so much Scott!
Thom, love this post! I wrote a couple of posts on my blog very similar to this earlier this year: 10 Things Pastors Wish Church Members Knew about Ministry (http://www.artistssuitcase.com/10-things-church-members-wish-pastors-knew/), and 10 Things Church Members Wish Pastors Knew about Ministry (http://www.artistssuitcase.com/10-things-church-members-wish-pastors-knew/)
I am honored to be on the same “wavelength” as you!
I don’t want to say any of those things. I want to say “Stop preaching that if you don’t come to every weeknight service during a revival that you ‘are not what you ought to be, you do not love the Lord like you should’ because that’s utter nonsense.”
Like! We love our pastors and know their time is limited. Thanks for giving a voice to us that usually are silent.
Thank you Wesley.
I think all of those are valid and are needed as reminders. I just completed an anniversary of service at my current pastorate and a church 180th anniversary. The ideas of change you listed are especially relevant to a church whose community has been in decline for several decades. This week I’m seeking personal renewal, and these short words you have shared are helpful. Another I might add from my musings today is “Remind me often how God values me and delights in my faithfulness. Sometimes I wonder if my small life matters.”
Keep up the good work.
Thank you for this post. I am a PK and was recently very close with my Pastor. He went through a lot of hardships in the church and the closer I got, the further he pushed me away. I tried talking to him and prayed for him, but He labeled me a critic and did away with me. I have tried relentlessly to make amends, but to no avail. He doesn’t believe I care nor love him and it has nearly destroyed me and my relationship to want anything to do with any church. I urge all pastors to be careful in the labeling of your members. They are all under your watch as you are there to Shepherd the flock. There are different types of people, but if you aren’t careful this labeling leads to mislabeling the ones who do really care about you. Man looketh on the outward appearance, but God looketh on the heart. You can do some serious damage. If you are called to lead those people, lead them all. Love them all. Shepherd them all.
Tim
Please understand that your credentials as a PK don’t entitle you to special knowledge into his struggles. (I’m a PGK, PK and PW – 3 VERY different men – no two people do this life the same). It sounds like at this time you may be adding to the weight of his burdens instead of lifting them with him. If it’s really about encouraging him and not scratching your itch to be needed by him or for him to acknowledge the wisdom of your advice, you will patiently wait for God to use you to reach your pastor and seek the Lord for the best way to do so – even if that means backing off for a while. Keep praying for him and for you and let God change the hearts of all.
I don’t claim to understand his struggles, but just relating that being a PK does make me a bit more sympathetic to the plight of Pastors from watching my dad from the inside of our four walls growing up. I would never say I understand who being that man is. To me, they have the hardest “job” on earth. I don’t want acknowledgement, just a Pastor. I’m a background sort of fellow. I don’t expect my Pastor to be perfect. I have since left the church (as have many others who would be labeled “healthy members”). I just have observed this labeling of church members in several places and I think it is hurting the growth of the church and spiritual growth of God’s people. I have extended my friendship, asked for forgiveness for any hardship I caused, and have been ignored. I do still pray for him daily. I still shed tears over the whole thing. I do want to be right before God in my heart, and I hope that I am, but I cannot force a person to forgive me, nor can I force them to listen, nor can I force them to speak to me. I appreciate your insight, but I don’t see how I line up to the person you describe. I was the man who went to visit with him often, especially to the homes of those we thought may be highly critical and rude. The church started to change and he started overruling deacons (I was one) on decisions (his wife handles the money of the church now…like literally balances the books, prints the checks, has a stamp of a deacon’s name..etc) I asked him if that was wise and tried to nicely remind him of the deacon’s decision to bring it before the church to vote for a treasurer and secretary. When she started deciding how the church spends money I asked for a meeting and tried to kindly ask if we could take the pressure off his wife and have the church vote on a treasurer and secretary…that’s when He cut ties with me. I guess I’m just trying to explain where I am coming from. Now I am labeled as a critic and honestly, I am not one. I love them and see where it’s headed and am greatly concerned. Does that make more sense? Thanks again.
THANKS Thom! Once again, just what I needed to read today!
I loved #4. Great insight wrapped-up in a pretty funny picture of a pastor getting shot in the butt! :o) I’ve told my kids and the church I am privileged to pastor, when they are going through hard times, please remember, I’m not the enemy, even if it may seem like it at the moment. I’m here to help!
Thanks again, keep up the good work!
Peace!
Thanks Randal! Keep on serving . . .
Great article! I would add: Don’t fight individuals from the pulpit. Meet in person. Making leading statements from the pulpit about “certain people”, or targeting a particular disagreement, is using the pulpit as a shield because the person can’t defend himself. Go to thy brother alone rather than picking a fight in a public forum where everyone can Amen the bad guy away without letting him explain in private why he did something.
That’s a good add Kris. Thanks.