In the past few months, I’ve had two conversations where persons serving on a church staff were struggling with their spouses’ lack of support. One was a pastor whose wife was worn out with a constant stream of criticisms directed at her husband and her family. She was pushing her husband to leave the church and find secular employment.
The other situation involved a children’s minister whose husband was angry because she was gone so many nights. He felt the church was taking advantage of her and pushing her to work too many hours to the neglect of her family.
Both of these ministers were truly struggling. They did not know what steps to take. They were uncertain how to respond to their spouses.
Unfortunately, these situations are not unique. They are too common, and they often do not end well. More than one couple has divorced over this issue.
So what is a pastor or staff person to do in such difficult situations? While I don’t pretend to have specific solutions for every case, I would like to suggest seven things to consider for those who find themselves in struggling marriages because of this issue.
- Listen to your spouse. Give him or her the freedom to open up completely with you. See if there are some mediating solutions to the problem. For many pastors particularly, the local church can be a demanding mistress who takes pastors away from their families.
- Express your unconditional love to your spouse. Let your spouse know that you love him or her without conditions. Express that love clearly and with conviction. Be clear that your marriage comes first regardless of the cost.
- Pray with your spouse. Pray with your spouse every day about this issue. Be unified spiritually as you come before the Lord. Pray specifically about the struggles related to the church.
- Seek counsel for you and your spouse. That counsel may be the same person, or there may be the need for each of you to have a different counselor. The counselor may be a professional, or he or she could be someone who has walked a similar path.
- Consider taking a break. See if it is possible for you and your spouse to get away several days. I know one ministry couple that took two full weeks of vacation to relax, pray, and gain perspective. They came back to serve in the church with a new commitment and vigor.
- Look in the mirror closely and honestly. Is it something you are doing that is bringing pain to your spouse? Perhaps the change needed for your spouse is a change in you, your attitudes, and your priorities.
- Be willing to leave the church. Do not sacrifice your marriage and your family. We sometimes like to gloss over 1 Timothy 3:5: “If anyone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of God’s church?” (HCSB). Our families must come first. Our marriages must come first.
It is indeed a difficult situation. Local church ministry can be tough. But it can be especially tough if our spouses are not supportive.
Let me hear from you. Have you ever been in this situation? Do you know how others have handled this situation?
Posted on March 4, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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154 Comments
Hi i am about to go into full ministry and my husband is not responding very well to the work I am about to go into,Mu heart is into working for the kingdom of God however am scared of the consequence especially now that my husband is not willing to support me,I have tried asking him to go for counseling but he refuses,The calling of God in my life has been confirmed in the church I am currently in,
God doesn’t call one person unless if one is still single. In your situation God need to confirm your calling through your husband as well. “For God is not the author of confusion.” 1 Corinthians 14:33. Keep Praying he will align everything in His time.
People in church may confirm but they are not your husband. God cares about your marriage.
I can really identify with the post from John Doe says
June 27, 2016 at 3:57 pm. What he expressed is very near to the pattern of my life also. My (only) wife of 26 years currently will not go with me to Church, or “do life with me” either, in any meaningful way, as I seek to take even baby steps of obedience to God! This is amazingly embarrassing, demoralizing, humiliating and discraceful for a married man, but I have gone alone anyway to Church, in obedience to God, and appear to have lost my companion God gave me in all ways except bodily presence.
I had my first ministry opportunity, a jail ministry opportunity taken away on the basis that we had not joined any local body. We were said to be in “willful and continuing sin”; a violation of Heb. 10:25, neglecting the gathering together of the Saints. We were trying to identify a doctrinally sound body to join, but they are becoming increasingly hard to find, and I’m fairly selective, and discerning. I moved on from that Church primarily because she would not go there, and now attended another. She won’t go there either: How am I to join a Church when my wife won’t even attend? Today, a Pastor in the know about our marriage being in danger told me that “I cannot be effectively used of God until the marriage is healed”. (Prayers hindered due to my wife, etc.) But what if my wife is really and truly not bearing any biblical fruit of salvation? It’s been 26 years.
In Genesis 3:17 and following, Adam, (and the human race through him) was cursed by God for this reason: For listening to (obeying) the voice of his wife instead of (obeying) God’s command. If that is not enough to wake up the Church , then I really don’t know what will.
Many Pastors and well meaning Christian counselors will not correct or rebuke another man’s wife. Period! It does not matter what she is doing. God always presents a balanced teaching in the Bible to husbands and to wives. But the Pastors don’t. Perhaps Heb. 12 gives the answer-God only disciplines and chastens his children, and not the worlds. If a person is unequally yoked to an unbeliever as I believe (based on Biblically based reasons that I am), it appears that effective Christian service is not an option for me, unless God saves her. I am, sadly, unequally yoked to an unbeliever.
Please help me. I am a woman pastor who currently is serving two congregations. I have been pastoring for several years. I married a man who was just starting out in ministry and called to preach. We have been married for almost two years and we have one continuous disagreement: supporting each other in ministry.
My services are on Sunday morning and Wednesday nights and his are Sunday morning, Sunday night and Thursday night. I attend services with him, to be his support, when my services are not meeting. I assist him and his church with events and special things. To me, I am supportive physically, emotionally, and spiritually. However, I cannot say the same about my husband.
He does not attend services with me, even when he is not preaching. He says that he can’t leave his church to attend with me because it “isn’t right”. He is an associate pastor with his dad so he basically only preaches on Sunday night. There have only been three times he has come to church with me in the last three years. He has every excuse, but when his excuses are taking away, he still doesn’t want to come, not even on mid-week or special events. He tells me he supports me but it doesn’t feel that way. Each time I invite him to something and he tells me no, my feelings are hurt again. He doesn’t see that his lack of physical presence effects me and my ministry. It only seems to be about what he wants and needs.
This was not what I wanted our ministries to look like. I wanted both of us to be engaged with each others churches as time and energy permitted. The thing that drew us to one another is now the thing that divides. What can I do? I have prayed and prayed and prayed.
I’m commenting on April Gray’s post from 2/27/17 at 5:45 PM. I’m in a similar situation with my husband. We are co founders of a church that we started with another couple. We both were serving in the church. My husband was Co Pastor, preaching, teaching. When we first started I was just starting to know God for myself and learning. About five years ago my husband left the church because of a disagreement with the Sr Pastor. But I decided to stay because of my spiritual growth and dedication to the ministry and commitment to God. But it’s caused a wedge between me and my husband. He has never supported me. Now with the pandemic he still won’t hear me preach or teach on the church conference call line. He won’t even pray with me. Just recently he has given me a choice to leave the church or he will divorce me. I don’t want to leave the church. I feel like I’ve disobeying God. His believes are even different now that he’s not going to church and studying the Bible. He doesn’t believe in tithing or the Old Testament. We are unequally yoked. And I am so frustrated. I’ve been praying and praying. The answer I received is “First Seek the kingdom of God and all his righteousness”.Matthew 6:33.
The only valid reason for a divorce is adultery, anything else and scripture tells us NOT to separate but to work it out. You two have become one and what God has joined you are not to separate.
My husband is in his final stages before getting his collar and we are already at odds. some of our problems include:
* He wants me to call him Minister in public instead of the personal and given name I have been lovingly addressing him by for 10 years of marriage. I’m his WIFE not just another mere parishioner and now I can’t even say his name?
*Seating way up in the front instead of with his family. I got married thinking we would be worshipping side by side as a couple except when it’s his turn to speak,then I can understand but I don’t like having a separate row for ministers each and every sunday.
* The amount of time he spends on it. It would be find if he made time for his family too but he doesn’t. Its secular job time, church time, then personal time cause the first two tuckered him out and he wants to relax and play video games or read.
* I am a Christian but I am a lay christian. I have a very shy personality and like to be in the background, or better yet not seen at all. I have no calling other than to enjoy the Word.
* We are fighting because I don’t care what other people think of me. I am me. If I want to have a cocktail on a saturday night dinner I will. Bible says don’t be a drunk it doesn’t say don’t ever ever have another drink again in your lifetime. If I want to do my hair or a put a little make up on, I will. And I like rock music, if Aerosmith comes to town I am going. I feel that there are man rules and there are God’s rules. If God doesn’t say no then man has no right to either. Now all the sudden I’m being told “I am the man and head of the house and this is the way it is going to be.”
You can be real. Hubby can make it clear you are an introvert to Everyone/reset their expectations.
You might negotiate a nickname. (ex. MJ, minister james)
You can choose to be willing and obedient to God, not people,
For God, to avoid all appearance of evil as the word instructs.
I.e. …bear with him whose faith is weak…
That is part and parcel to spiritual leadership. Some folks of weak faith would fall/stumble, destroy their and others families with flesh-dictated leadership examples to follow as an excuse for lewd/drunken conduct.
God comes first in my life, if my wife doesnt want me to serve God Its better to take my way and she takes her way. For if your eye your good eye causes you to sin gauge it out, it is better to enter the Kingdom of God with one eye than to be cast into hell fire with your two eyes. If she is against God which means she is a servant of lucifer.
Masuku, we start ministering by serving and supporting our spouses, albeit granted, within the boundaries of the Scriptures; but that means serving unbelieving spouses, too. You don’t just get a free pass to divorce your wife or accuse her of allegiance to Satan, just because she might not want you to serve God in a specific ministry. It doesn’t work like that.
Please, treat your wife as Christ would treat the Church (Ephesians 5:25-33). Yes, we Christian wives have responsibilities and should up to a point support our husbands in ministry; but you Christian husbands have responsibilities to your wives, too. Please, let us start there.
My husband is a pastor’s son and we have been together 12 years married 7. He has always worked for the ministry but is now entering into his calling…he serves in multimedia, worship team, is now doing his theology degree and his father now wants him taking over part of the ministry…we have a 2 year old and i work 40 hrs/week but my husband is not home 3-4 nights/week on top of his service on sunday…we have been struggling for over 5 years with this issue and are now at a breaking point where i have stopped serving and attending church…I do not want to end up divorcing him but cannot continue supporting him when he is never home and only wants to rest when he is…I have brought up his absence over and over again but nothing changes besides counseling and multiple conversations and ultimatum..what is left for me to do at this point?
Could this be the reason Paul urged young people, both male and female, who wanted to work in ministry, to remain single?
I have been in discussion with my wife about my calling from God to become a minister. As we have discussed, I asked her what was her perspective on this and she stated that she did not want it because of the expectations that are placed on both the Minister and his wife. I know that there are going to be some changes that we will make in regards to our new journey. However, I told her that we both have already been working in the church diligently. So how should we both approach this situation? I have not made it public about my calling, but we have discussed it and again she stated she does not want it but saw it coming!
So what if the Pastor takes care of all church expenses, but barely contributes to his home and leaves that to his wife. I know what the word says about this, but it seems that we’re living in a time where no one cares about the guidelines God has set for Family, ministry, etc. It really adds a strain to a marriage and leaves a wife feeling lackluster about the ministry.
She’s supportive of the ministry and does her part in it, but the non support at home makes it all seem for naught.
My prospective husband is not a pastor or planning to become one (that I’m aware), however we are both involved in youth & children ministry within our church. Before we began courtship he was already the deputy director of the children’s ministry and the director is a good friend of ours, a woman however. Before, I obviously had no issue, however now that we are in a relationship it has begun to bother me that he gets to be in this ministry with another woman ( they are constantly put together for other roles/events/activities, etc.) and I have to sit back and watch her share what I want to share with him – ministry. We have had a number of arguments over this (this has also caused a distance in my friendship with the other woman) and after the last one he said “I thought about it & my ministry is between me and God, not you or the other woman…” I agreed and I never intended to come between his work for God, but I still cannot shake this hurt/feeling of neglect.
I would greatly appreciate any spiritual guidance/advice or encouragement!
I hope things go well for you, Ashley.
I for one actually asked my husband to step down from a ministry for this very reason, and I am very thankful that he graciously did, even though he did not want to and kinda felt called to it. He stepped down to demonstrate agape love to me, which it did — and his stepping down helped to strengthen our marriage and reassure me that our marriage was his priority — his true calling.
I’m sorry that your fiancé does not feel the same way. Frankly, I would trust your instincts. You still feel hurt for a reason: in essence, what this guy is saying is that he is more interested in ministry than he is in you. That to me is not husband material, to put it to you bluntly — and sadly, his attitude can result in strained marriages and even divorces, as it does sometimes. If I were you and not married to the guy, I’d walk out on him, in search of a guy who actually respected me enough to leave a situation like that when it bothered me.
My husband is in a zoom Bible Study that his ex fiancé attends and it really bothers me. He is the founder of the Bible Study and basically the leader of the group but it bothers me that he is still wanting to do a Bible Study with his ex fiancé still being apart of it. I wanted him to either find a new one or kick her out so she can be completely out of his life. Mind you, on the zoom Bible study it’s only 3 people plus the ex fiancé which makes four of them. I tried and tried to support him and join with him but it’s too much for me. I will soon be separating from him until he removes her from it or finds another Bible study.
So my wife knows I am called to ministry and has partnered with me in the past, however something has happened in her heart where she wants a different life and church is not in that life period. Although, I know that God has called me into ministry, my wife no longer wants to do life with me because I do not want to take my life in a direction of opposing God.
Of course there is something that has triggered this but I don’t know what it is. She refuses counseling Godly or otherwise and will not accept Godly accountability. And I have been attending church alone for the better part of a decade. Does a wife who refuses to go to church, accept Godly counsel and do things contradictory to a Godly lifestyle get to dictate my ministry??
Thanks for this article. My husband has been in the ministry for 19 years. In the past 5 or so, his doctrine has changed and mine hasn’t. When we met, we both had very similar beliefs and that was very important to me. Now, he preaches and practices things that are acceptable in other denominations but not in the those where we were raised or in the church we planted together. (Since we are non-denominational, he has great freedom.) I know this might sound petty but it is huge for me. It would be like taking a plain mennonite and putting them in a pentecostal church. Obviously there are other issues. My husband has always played the “God card” meaning he will answer everything with “I believe God told me …” and I can never trump that card. I am certainly not perfect but I am tired of living this way … feeling neglected and unvalued. But I got used to that eventually. What I cannot do is sit in the front row and support him while he preaches and practices a different doctrine. How is that fair? Am I required to pretend? He knows that I don’t agree but he isn’t about to change for me. I honestly don’t know what to do. Very depressed. Sick of pretending. Anyone have advice that isn’t the typical “pray and read scripture”? I have been honest with him. I think he just keeps praying that I’ll change. For any pastors reading this, please know that you are a reflection of God to your wife and kids. I am struggling to believe in God’s goodness because of how little my husband cares about me and my feelings. It is all tied together.
Jennifer, my situation isn’t exactly like yours, but I can relate. My husband is a pastor and has been for 22 years. For 15 of those years, I truly functioned as a “ministry partner.” I homeschooled our kids, managed our household, and served alongside him. We experienced a couple of church splits which impacted our marriage, our kids, our finances, etc. Very hard. Since 2004, we have regularly seen counselors, both together and separately, which has been so helpful. After the last split in 2010, the church actually closed and my husband was out of work for 10 months. This was devastating to us financially and we eventually had to short sell our house. I went back to work during this time and our kids transitioned to public school. During that 10 months, I was SO hopeful that he would find a job not in ministry, but he didn’t. Eventually he was “called” to a senior pastor position in our hometown. It provided a parsonage, which we desperately needed. He took the position, but since that time, my heart has not been in it. I attend church and barely serve, but I would love it if my husband had another job. We were with that church for 2 years, and then a split happened again, and he found a position with a different church. Again, I attend, but I’m only there to provide some support of him. I’m not a great support, honestly. I don’t go to small group with him. If I’m not serving, I’m often late. I have one friend in the church. Now along with this is that I love Jesus. I spend much time in the Word, in prayer, and in journaling. So, it’s not a matter of me walking away from a relationship with the Lord. Some of my theological views are different from my husband’s, but they are in non-essential areas. And another factor is that b/c his pay is WAY less than what he was making in our previous church, I continued to work outside the home. I was first hired as an assistant director for a ministry that I love. And now I’m leading the ministry. Our kids are almost launched, so they are not a factor so much anymore. My husband and I talk honestly about this. He has a sense of “call,” but also doubts that he could find another job that he would enjoy, would use his gifts, would provide the income we need, etc. I share all this not b/c I have answers. I don’t. But I think I understand a little of what you’re experiencing.