I receive volumes of blog comments, emails, and social media communications every day. On occasion, one of those comments will stop me in my tracks, like this recent blog post comment.
I am providing it to you almost completely unedited. I made a few edits to protect the identity of the writer.
I respectfully request you not to lecture this lady, but to offer prayer and encouragement. The headings are mine, but the words are hers.
The Lonely Pastor’s Wife
“Please allow me to share my feelings about the last many years of being a pastor’s wife. I tried on many occasions to talk to my husband about it (loneliness, neglect, wanting at least one evening a week together, lack of dating, etc.). We’ve gone to marriage seminars, talked to mentor ministry couples, and, still, things don’t change.”
The Pastor with the Messed Up Priorities
“He never schedules time for investing in our marriage and works all week in the office and then up all night on Saturdays getting his sermon ready. He leaves early Sunday mornings for preparations for the service and, by the time he gets home in the afternoon, he’s exhausted and definitely doesn’t feel like doing anything active or fun with the kids and me. He just wants to veg out on the couch.”
The Pastor Who Does Not Listen
“When I try to talk about my feelings, I’m “complaining” and not “following the call for my life.” I’m so tired of the cycle of neglect, loneliness, rejection, and hurt that, I hate going to church, don’t read my Bible anymore, and have to fight thoughts of divorce every single day. The church definitely feels like his mistress. I’m so hopeless and feel that I’m trapped. The one place I should be able to turn to, the church, is what is killing me on the inside.”
The Plea for Help
“If anyone has a recommendation for a fair and reasonable counselor in the Houston area who is used to working discreetly with people in my and my husband’s position, I would greatly appreciate it. I’m down to my last resort before bailing.”
My Reason for Sharing This Information
Any time I hear about a marriage failing, I feel sick to stomach. It happens too often. And it happens too often with those who are in vocational ministry. Of course, it is not limited to the role of pastor. Such cries of hurt are emanating from the spouses of all kinds of church staff.
So I offered her words to you with the hope that it could be a caution for all of us in vocational ministry. Love your spouses. Love your family. Take care of them. Give them the priority mandated by Scripture (1 Timothy 3:1-5).
And please pray for this pastor’s wife. She is truly hurting.
Posted on August 3, 2016
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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212 Comments
I have nothing really substantial to add as many of the comments reflect what most of us have seen and lived exactly as this wife has expressed. It is not my intent to stir great controversy, but there was a quote that really bothered me and has bothered me for many years in ministry. She quoted her husband as saying she “was not following the call for my (her) life.”
Since seminary, I have never been able to understand or accept the concept that a minister’s wife must be “called” to be a minister’s wife…which was taught in a class for the wives of seminarians. Isn’t our giftedness and specific calling individual? I know we are all called to be ambassadors for Christ, ministers of reconciliation. But, what of the minister or wife who comes to Christ and then a call to ministry well after marriage? I know some women who grew up in a strong Christian environment feel they were called to this specific role; but there seems to me to be unhealthy, stereotypical expectations in religious life that ALL ministers’ wives must have this same “call.” This stereotype is almost impossible to live up to, and in this case, also seemed expected by the husband.
My wife is called to be my faithful wife (and I a faithful husband) if I’m a minister, a banker, or mechanic. The partnership is biblical, the oneness is biblical, but the specific call and giftedness on one’s life falls under the priesthood of each believer. I see no biblical evidence to expect a pattern of “partnership in ministry” if that is not how God intends to use my wife for His kingdom. I’m not saying it can’t be that way, but I believe we have adopted an unwritten (and I believe, unbiblical) belief that this MUST be the norm for all ministers’ wives. (Those that believe this with whom I have spoken, have always argued from personal experience, not the Bible.) I think we do a disservice to and injustice to our wives when WE place these types of unrealistic expectations upon them or when we fail to protect them from others who have the same unrealistic expectations for them and for us as ministers.
My wife is called to be my wife. She is, thankfully, gifted differently than I am and more effective in her areas of ministry as God has led her. I am called to be her husband. This relationship supersedes my JOB at the church. But my role as husband is eclipsed by my relationship with God…which is not the same as my vocation. Sometimes I believe we mix these two together (God and church) and our families lose out.
My fear is that we, the “spiritual ones,” have created an unbiblical myth of who we think we are supposed to be that makes it impossible for our ministers and our wives to live up to such unrealistic expectations. And in this case, the minister bought into the myth.
Well said, Bob! I am a missionary/pastor. My wife is a school teacher and administrator. We do not have a church school. I have never pressured her to play the role of pastor’s wife though she has been instrumental in starting four churches with a knock out children’s ministry that brought the families in. We raised six children on the mission field. She was full-time mother until the youngest started school. Then she went back to teaching to provide a second income to pay for their education. A remarkable woman. Only after all the children left home did she take on a pastor’s wife’s role. We are now 40 years in ministry and marriage!
Thank you for comments!
Right on Bob. As a pastors wife for some 40 years I have seen and experienced it all. I thoroughly agree regarding the stereotypes and unrealistic expectations and unscriptural demands place on pastors, wives and pastors kids.
Then throw in those leaders who do not set boundaries, suffer from messiah complexes , workaholics, and some narcissistic tendencies with absolutely no accountability and you have a recipe for disaster. Being a Lone Ranger pastor is not healthy. Aside from all of this
I think my biggest concern is how a man of God learn to live their life and ministry by compartmentalizing everything. Just can’t play that kind of game. So disingenuous and hypocritical. See so many fake Christians people who truly think that’s how’ you need to liver the Christian life. After all these years of staying
I am a shattered wreck. Damaged beyond belief by my pastor (husband) and his ministry.. Still trying to hold on to God.
My former church jettisoned me because I wouldn’t throw my family under the bus for the sake of ministry. I should say, a small group that got to a few key leaders. Sure, I made mistakes, but did my best to follow Christ and take them along for the ride. What kind of man would I be if I placed them before my family? Not much of one. It still hurts that those few leaders chose to believe lies about me instead of standing up for truth. That was 10 years ago this month. Don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do full-time ministry again, but I impacted some lives while I was there.
I’m sorry it happened, but it sounds like you kept your priorities right, so hold your head high. It’s better to lose a church than lose your family.
What also hurts a Pastor’s wife is when the Pastor has his priorities in order but the church scolds him for it, expecting the church itself and all members to be first or at least second after His relationship with God, but definitely before his family.
I always tell young pastors to keep their wives and families first. If you fail in ministry, you can try again, but you only get one shot at raising a family.
So many great comments, I hesitate to add to the discussion. Upon reading the post I went immediately to prayer for the pastor, asking God to help him realize he is sacrificing his greatest assest in the ministry apart from the Lord – his wife. I have served only small churches where I am the only staff (not even a church secretary). My wife has always had to work full time outside the home to help support us, and for over 23 years in ministry and almost 42 years of marriage, she has always been my greatest support. WHe the time comes that I am no longer serving vocationally, it is my wife that will be my dearest companion (as she is now). Vocational ministers: Don’t let your role supercede your spouse! She/he is the life partner you have from God, and with His blessing that is the person who will be with you the rest of your journey on this earth! I was so blessed when just this mornign as my wife and I were leaving for our respective offices she said, “I really don’t want to be apart from ou today.” We are so much closer today to both each other and to the Lord than at any other point in our marriage. Don’t sacrifice that blessing by letting your responsibility to your role at whatever ministry God has allowed you to have separate you and your spouse.
I have mentored and counseled with several church planters in New York about the fact that if we win the world and lose our families that we have failed. It is possible to have an effective ministry and yet build solid families. As a general guideline I’ve made myself inaccessible only when I’m praying and preaching otherwise I’m always available to my family. We need to remember that our families (wives) are members of the church and therefore part of our ministry responsibility albeit they are on a much high plane. God must be first, families next, and then ministry. In a world that has lost its way we must as pastors keep first things first.
My prayers are with this woman. My closest friends are pastor’s wives so I do know from a “friend” point of view how she feels. I hope she does find a counselor and there are some good ones out there that work with pastor families. Praise God for her perseverance thus far and I pray that joy, love, and peace are restored to her very soon.
As I read this letter today, I could not help but feel that it could have been written by my wife especially in our earlier ministries. I see so many faults that I have committed in this plea for help. I hope and pray that not only this pastor’s wife, but this pastor will see the need to realize that God gave him his family.
My wife was a PK. She attended a Christian school for her Associates degree and while there she would not even date a ministerial student. When we got together I was in the USAF. We did 90% of our dating via the post office ergo she and I never really got to know each other until after we were married and I took her to Fairbanks, AK. While in Fairbanks God renewed His call on my life. I came in one Sunday after the service and told her that I needed to talk to her about God calling me into the ministry. Unknown to me was the fact that she had already been to talk to our pastor.
Let me skip to the serving of our first church. I was a young kid, 24, with a wife and 10 month old son. For over a year I had NO night at home to call my own. I came close to having an ulcer and losing my wife and family. I learned more at that church of what not to do. I wish that I could say that I followed through with date nights and such, but I didn’t. God was and is good to let me still have her as my help meet, and were it not for her, I would not have had the success in ministry that I have had. We just celebrated 48 years together.
The letter written to you by the dear person that you shared today could have easily been written by my wife any time in our first 15 years together. I am ashamed to confess that. What a blessing she has been not only to me and my ministry, but to so many of the church members that we have come into contact.
This sort of thing is way too common unfortunately. I followed some poor examples early on in my ministry and all but blew off my wife as she went through some of these things. It nearly ended in divorce. Some time later, the director of missions for our local association told me not even knowing what we came through, “God, family, church. That order. Period.” That has really stuck with me and has really helped our family tremendously.
You can lose your ministry and keep your family, but you can’t lose your family and keep your ministry.
Your home is at the foundation of any ministry role description, and regardless of who gets visited, that had to be maintained.
Many times pastors struggle at churches full of hurting people, who can’t see past their own selfishness, and demand every waking moment for their struggles…that’s not healthy, but many times, to stand behind that lesson a pastor must lose a job and put his family in tough financial times. Also, there is the misguided blending of your personal relationship with God and the ministry role He’s called you to fill. For a lot of guys/girls, they see putting anything ahead of what God has called them to do idolatry, but that’s misguided and twisted, but has been ingrained in a generation of pastors and propagated by a sea of unhealthy churches. It’s sad.
Thom, this woman’s pain is not unlike that of my wife during a difficult five-year pastorate earlier in our marriage. Out of our experience I wrote a book (available on Amazon) titled “Surviving Ministry: How to Navigate the Storms of Church Leadership.” In that book are true stories and practical, gospel-centered instruction on how to keep one’s heart and life intact while leading a church. Maybe my book will help people who find themselves in a situation like the one described in this post. My website, http://www.survivingministry.com, also lists a bunch of resources that hurting pastors and pastors’ wives can access.
I respectfully request you not to lecture this lady, but to offer prayer and encouragement. . . .thank you, thank you, for those kind words! As a pastor wife/missionary wife who has “been there,” it’s the judgment and accusation of not being fully committed to the cause that hurts as much as the neglect and loneliness. Praise God my husband repented nearly 20 years ago of his workaholism and desire to win the favor of man rather than God, and our marriage of 37 years is stronger than ever — and God is blessing our ministry in ways we could not imagine!
unfortunately, fellow staff and elders can unwittingly foster the very behavior that this woman is agonizing over. Pastors are praised for commitment/results –long hours, availability– and they feel the disapproval if they take off for an afternoon or say they are unavailable for an evening. Accountability to care for a marriage should be as important as financial accountability or pornography filters on a pastor’s computer. . .