I receive volumes of blog comments, emails, and social media communications every day. On occasion, one of those comments will stop me in my tracks, like this recent blog post comment.
I am providing it to you almost completely unedited. I made a few edits to protect the identity of the writer.
I respectfully request you not to lecture this lady, but to offer prayer and encouragement. The headings are mine, but the words are hers.
The Lonely Pastor’s Wife
“Please allow me to share my feelings about the last many years of being a pastor’s wife. I tried on many occasions to talk to my husband about it (loneliness, neglect, wanting at least one evening a week together, lack of dating, etc.). We’ve gone to marriage seminars, talked to mentor ministry couples, and, still, things don’t change.”
The Pastor with the Messed Up Priorities
“He never schedules time for investing in our marriage and works all week in the office and then up all night on Saturdays getting his sermon ready. He leaves early Sunday mornings for preparations for the service and, by the time he gets home in the afternoon, he’s exhausted and definitely doesn’t feel like doing anything active or fun with the kids and me. He just wants to veg out on the couch.”
The Pastor Who Does Not Listen
“When I try to talk about my feelings, I’m “complaining” and not “following the call for my life.” I’m so tired of the cycle of neglect, loneliness, rejection, and hurt that, I hate going to church, don’t read my Bible anymore, and have to fight thoughts of divorce every single day. The church definitely feels like his mistress. I’m so hopeless and feel that I’m trapped. The one place I should be able to turn to, the church, is what is killing me on the inside.”
The Plea for Help
“If anyone has a recommendation for a fair and reasonable counselor in the Houston area who is used to working discreetly with people in my and my husband’s position, I would greatly appreciate it. I’m down to my last resort before bailing.”
My Reason for Sharing This Information
Any time I hear about a marriage failing, I feel sick to stomach. It happens too often. And it happens too often with those who are in vocational ministry. Of course, it is not limited to the role of pastor. Such cries of hurt are emanating from the spouses of all kinds of church staff.
So I offered her words to you with the hope that it could be a caution for all of us in vocational ministry. Love your spouses. Love your family. Take care of them. Give them the priority mandated by Scripture (1 Timothy 3:1-5).
And please pray for this pastor’s wife. She is truly hurting.
Posted on August 3, 2016
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
212 Comments
I am a pw. This is me right now. I have these same exact feelings.
My wife and I and our boys are fortunate to be in a new city and for me, to pastor a new church (Magnolia Church – Port Neches, TX).
It’s been a great transition for us, especially with God’s answer to her prayer for a house with an extra bedroom and a fenced-in backyard, which is the parsonage. A nice spacious 4 bedroom, 2-1/2 bath house with a 2 car garage and a fenced-in backyard.
The people at the church where I now pastor are great. Very loving. Very friendly and for me, my demands have increased because there is so much to oversee within the church and some people forget how many responsibilities a pastor has each day and each week.
The late night board meetings bother me sometimes because on those days, I’m gone all day and I don’t come home until my boys are both in bed asleep. My wife misses out too and our brief time together before we both fall asleep is precious. She knows the burdens I face and she bears them with me too sometimes.
I received some wise counsel from a former pastor of this church who told me, “Don’t ever let the ministry come between you and your family.” I’ve taken to that advice and will never forget it.
It sure would require a great deal of courage, but wouldn’t this be a situation where wives should follow the steps of Matthew 18?
You want to bring up Matt. 18 but what about Eph 5:25. I am grateful that my husband honors me. Some of you pastor are imposers and lairs.
I pray for this marriage. I heard Andy Stanley once say, –Scripture tells us that God says to love your wife as Christ loved the church, but He never said to love the church.
Praying for this lady.
This is not something unique to pastors or church staffs. It happens in the oilfield, in education, in medicine, in business, in short in any career that demands high input of time and energy from either spouse. The other spouse often feels neglected.
The only cure is putting in the effort.
Correct. However if a marriage suffers in those “secular” fields you still have a job and don’t lose a paycheck/coworkers/benefits.
I understand. I am a PK. My mother, a pastor’s wife, raised the 5 of us and juggled an enormous amount of Dad’s ministry demands. I know there were many lonely days. Early on in my dad’s ministry I remember the arguments.
After my dad’s death in 2009, I was shocked to learn that in their early years my brothers and sister had also felt the loneliness that arose from neglect of family for the sake of ministry. I did not. I was the tag-a-long kid. If dad was visiting, I’d ride along and sit in the car. If he was studying, I’d sit in his office and read. Mom adapted too, she’d drop by dad’s office with a sack lunch, cheerfully warm a late supper, and welcome last minute guests. It was a sacrifice, but it got easier as we kids got older. As mom began to see her role as a vital part in the work of the gospel, she took joy in serving and enabling my dad to serve.
Today I work in administration at my church. Over the past 16 years, I’ve worked with many pastors. Men in the ministry (and their wives) are just as diverse as they are in secular jobs. I think the key is to avoid the extremes. I’ve seen pastors who are so profamily that they neglect their ministry and visa-versa. Personally, my husband, who has a secular job is a work-a-holic. He missed out on much of our children’s childhood. I experienced all of the frustration and loneliness that this pastor’s wife experiences. But in reading this post and the comments I’m saddened by one thing-why talk of divorce and “bailing”? There is encouragement in the covenant of marriage.
Through the difficulties of my marriage (and life) God has shaped and molded me into a useful vessel. Scripture lays out the foundation of marriage (Eph 5, Col 3, I Cor 13) but we both fall short at times. There is power is perseverance. For me, there is power when I serve Jesus and allow Him to fulfill all the empty lonely spaces of my heart! Also, if you need help, get help (counseling, household, childcare, etc.). .. the Proverbs 31 woman had a slew of household servants… LOL!
From a different vantage point, the story of struggle and surrender exposes the beauty of grace. My mom and dad grew into an affectionate sweetness in their years of marriage and ministry (my dad pastored until he was 81!). My husband and I now find time to travel and do projects together and we’re growing closer. Growth takes time and God’s promises never fail!
I will pray for this pastor’s wife, and her husband-may their marriage glorify our Savior!
As someone who is (hopefully) about to begin the preparations for ordination, this is something very much in the forefront of my mind.
I once heard someone say (I couldn’t find a reference – it may well have been Mark Driscoll, but I make no apologies) that the way a pastor treats his wife will be the way he eventually treats his church, or something along those lines. That should be enough to worry anyone!
Being the wife of a pastor I too known those feelings and thoughts that she is going through. It breaks my heart that she is going throught this and that her husband is too. I pray that God will provide a way for them to get healing and fined the true plumb line in their life as a couple and as individuals.
There are days I feel so alone in this world and I fight all the feelings she has and many others. I find my escape in Hallmark movies just to get a brief moment from thinking about being alone and nit measuring up to everyone’s expectations.
Nothing wrong with a good movie, but I pray you will find your escape in Christ. For years, in my marriage, He was the only true husband that I had. What a sweet time of tenderness developed as He met my need to be cherished. He gave all as I sought Him out through prayer, worship and the word. He was never too busy, He always showed compassion, and He always showed up. He took my sorrow and turned it into joy! I will never be alone… and when I feel alone, I tell Him and He sends someone tangible or sends me out. Complete satisfaction is available in Jesus Christ.
I just had my wife read the letter. It prompted a good discussion and I made her promise that if she ever feels remotely like this she will speak up and I promised to listen. We are sixty one year old newlyweds. We both lost our spouses after long marriages, so we have the opportunity to do this right. I recognize I am a workaholic and that’s not fair to her. Thanks for sharing this with us.
I personally think we, the congregation, expect too much from our pastors. Read the biblical job description for a pastor. They are to lead the flock and preach the word. We have a new pastor and I love him and his family. He is energetic, excited and has a love for people and the church. We should support our pastor wholeheartedly but be careful not to over burden him.
I’m a pastor’s wife, and in some seasons of our marriage and ministry, I’ve felt her loneliness and despair.
I simply offer my prayers for her and her husband.
My husband got some counseling, and although things will never be perfect, they’re OK. And I’m fine with that.
(I am posting anonymously because my husband really has no idea, and that’s OK, too. Sometimes life is what it is.)
I am a pastor’s wife. He is a “second career” pastor, and has been preaching for 4 years now as associate pastor at a very small church. The senior pastor plans to retire next year, and my husband is supposed to take over.
I’m sorry to say that I believe he missed his calling. He is not good at preaching, is extremely disorganized and has poor leadership skills. Although he is a good man, the results of his incompetence are obvious. Church attendance is falling off, and people are unhappy with the preaching, Sunday school teaching, etc.
I am working to support us (his salary is tiny), raising 4 children and trying to create family unity while he spends all his time working. We never go on a date, never get to spend time together, and my belief that he is wasting his time is harming our marriage. Church members keep bringing their complaints to me (of course) instead of telling him their issues with him.
I don’t want to leave my husband, but I want to leave his church! What should I do?
First of all-I commend you for working, caring for your family and guarding your family unity!
It sounds like your husband needs someone on his team. Refuse to listen to others complain(even if you agree!) – simply explain your loyalty lies with him. Pray for him and ask them to do the same. In fact turn that complainants conversation into a prayer time.
Praise your husband. You said he is a good man, so that should be easy. Don’t give insincere compliments, but genuinely recognize what he’s doing right. Trust God to either grow him or move him.
I can truly see both sides of this situation. As a female my heart just breaks for this brave wife. She must truly be something special to have dealt with this situation as long as she has without bailing on her spouse. That is something truly to be admired. We need more women like this young lady.
Secondly, as a church member I have watched many other members expect entirely too much from their pastors. And I see pastors stretch so thin in their ministries. I completely understand that a pastors job is a 24 hours a day job. But we as church members shouldn’t expect so much out of our pastors. I believe that the pastor should be surrounded by support staff (ie deacons, Chairman of Deacons, and Sunday school Directors) that are willing to help the pastors in their duties to the church members. All the responsibility of visiting the sick and shut in and things like that shouldn’t ALL fall on the pastors shoulders. We wouldn’t want that kind of responsibilty on our shoulders so why do we expect that of another person?
I pray that this family will come together and not end a marriage. And I do think the leaders in the church should be aware that some things need to change in the way they are currently being handled in the church. They need to know that the pastor is struggling in some areas in his life. I think if they know about the situation that they would be more than willing to help out in any way they can. Now hear me out, I’m not saying that the situation needs to be broadcasted to the entire church. And I do think the church leaders should be very discreet about the situation.
I will continue to pray for this couple that they will allow God to work in their lives and in the lives of the church members around them. I pray that this marriage will be saved and that all the hurt will start to heal. That is a BIG thing because as a woman I know how easy it is to hold onto the hurt. I trust that God will answer all the prayers of the saints. And that He will use this trial to grow this couple in Christ love.