It began as an innocuous Twitter survey. But then it blew up.
A lot of church members and leaders were eager to share about fights, schisms, and conflicts in their congregations. They were likewise eager to point out the absurdity of these issues. There were the ones we’ve heard often: temperature in the worship center, color of carpet, order of worship, and color of walls.
The fights shown below, however, are a bit unusual. Indeed, most of them are downright absurd. I picked 25 of my “favorites.” They are listed in no particular order. The parenthetical commentary is my own.
- Argument over the appropriate length of the worship pastor’s beard (I think I saw a verse in Scripture that indicated it is to be no more than 1.5 inches longer than the pastor’s beard.).
- Fight over whether or not to build a children’s playground or to use the land for a cemetery (I’m dying to know the resolution of this one.).
- A deacon accusing another deacon of sending an anonymous letter, and deciding to settle the matter in the parking lot (The church could have sold tickets to this event and raised a lot of money.).
- A church dispute of whether or not to install restroom stall dividers in the women’s restroom (I’m calling unfair on this one. The men should have their stall dividers too.).
- A church argument and vote to decide if a clock in the worship center should be removed (I think this one is a timely argument.).
- A 45-minute heated argument over the type of filing cabinet to purchase: black or brown; 2, 3, or 4 drawers (This one is an official cabinet meeting of the church leadership.).
- A fight over which picture of Jesus to put in the foyer (I just want to know who took the pictures.).
- A petition to have all church staff clean shaven (No church planters are allowed.).
- A dispute over whether the worship leader should have his shoes on during the service (I vote for shoes, shirts, and pants.).
- A big church argument over the discovery that the church budget was off $0.10. Someone finally gave a dime to settle the issue (I have to admit this issue is ten times more important than the church missing a penny.).
- A dispute in the church because the Lord’s Supper had cran/grape juice instead of grape juice (Of course it should be grape juice. It’s right there in Hezekiah 4:11.).
- Business meeting arguments about whether the church should purchase a weed eater or not. It took two business meetings to resolve (Wow. This fight was really whacky.).
- Arguments over what type of green beans the church should serve (I could have resolved this conflict quickly: none.).
- Two different churches reported fights over the type of coffee. In one of the churches, they moved from Folgers to a stronger Starbucks brand. In the other church, they simply moved to a stronger blend. Members left the church in the latter example (Perhaps they started a new church: The Right Blend Fellowship.).
- Major conflict when the youth borrowed a crockpot that had not been used for years (I bet it was a bunch of crocky old adults.).
- An argument on whether the church should allow deviled eggs at the church meal (Only if it’s balanced with angel food cake for dessert).
- An argument over who has the authority to buy postage stamps for the church (The members were licking their wounds over this issue.).
- A disagreement over using the term “potluck” instead of “pot blessing” (I get it! The concept of luck contradicts the theology of a sovereign God. This issue is very serious. Good luck trying to resolve it. ).
- A church member was chastised because she brought vanilla syrup to the coffee server. It looked too much like liquor. (Beth Moore confessed she was the culprit who brought the syrup. Don’t you know, Beth, we Baptists cannot have vanilla syrup at anytime? Chocolate is fine though.).
- An argument in church over who has access to the copy machine (I think a calendar should be made where every church member has at least five minutes access to the copy machine each year. You can have a business meeting to vote on each five-minute increment.).
- Some church members left the church because one church member hid the vacuum cleaner from them. It resulted in a major fight and split (Thus the Second Electrolux Church was born.).
- An argument over whether to have gluten-free communion bread or not (I thought gluteny was a sin.).
- A dispute over whether the church should allow people to wear black t-shirts, since black is the color of the devil (Are you sure he’s not red? That’s what I’ve heard.)
- A fight over whether or not to sing “Happy Birthday” each week (I’ve got an idea. Alternate it with the doxology.).
- An argument over whether the fake, dusty plants should be removed from the podium (Just give them a little water. They should be fine.).
Yes. These issues are silly; many are absurd. But they are all distractions from what we should be doing in our churches. In that sense, they are really great distractions from the Great Commission.
Let me hear your stories!
Posted on November 11, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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107 Comments
In the early 70’s our church spent several business meeting trying to decide is we should put in air conditioning in the church or give the money to the Home Mission Board. The statement was made if we put in A/C it would attract more people to the church since it would be cooler. So it would be like giving it to missions. We put in A/C.
I once had a church member rip me up one side and down the other because at a business meeting, I suggested the church spend $25 to get a phone that had an answering machine (we didn’t have one). A 1 hour argument between the members over it began.
These comments are great! I am really enjoying my time in Canada taking in your contributions one by one.
Sometimes a thread like this is just what we need! Thanks for what you do for our churches at Lifeway!
Oh, and I’m sure there could be some churches in Washington and Colorado who have had discussions about whether or not to have a pot blessing. (#18)
At a previous church, one of our elder meetings was held hostage by a one-hour discussion of whether or not we should continue purchasing donuts, and once it was decided to continue, how many donuts we should purchase. Every meeting after that whenever we would get into an extended discussion about something pointless, I would emphasize that while the issue may be important to some, “it’s not like we’re talking about donuts.”
Sigh.
I would so do that. Probably explains why I didnt get reelected or denominated to the board. I was part of a discussion on whether we should ask certain members of our congregation to carry concealed weapons for security. None of them had any law enforcement training. Serious discussion to be sure, but weird that it had to be held.
#21 Sucks
Well. Played.
Amazing! Interesting (and sad) commentaries on the condition of the “Body of Christ” in our world today. Pity the pastor who must deal with/confront/agonize over the vision of ministry informing such disputes.
Every pastor deals with this.
I picked up new hymnals at a goodwill for $2 each and paid for them myself to replace ours which had pages falling out.You would have thought I slapped someone with the response I got.
Amazing! Interesting commentaries on “The Body of Christ.” A compendium of ” last words” of ailing institutions! Also, so sad in the self-centeredness expressed.
Way beyond carpet-color disputes!
An argument broke out in a business meeting. The aggrieved party wanted to start a softball team, the church had no property for a field.
The distraction caused the real topic, restrooms in the senior citizens area, to go unresolved, The following Sunday 1/3rd of the Seniors walked out of Sunday school and left that church.
If it weren’t so potentially dangerous, #22 would indeed be laughable. Church members absolutely need to take into consideration the health issues of any church member, even one with celiac disease. Yes, I know, people think going gluten-free is a fad. But if you are not a rheumatologist, gastroenterologist, or an auto-immune specialist, then you need to take someone’s request for gluten-free communion bread very seriously. I could link to very specialized doctors who argue that it’s not only dangerous for celiacs but for anyone with an auto-immune disease. And I know of a *very* prominent doctor who makes a broader statement than that! Basically, if you are uneducated about medical and nutritional matters, give people the benefit of the doubt and refrain from passing judgment. Please.
Thank you, R. I am the church pianist and often cannot even partake of communion with my congregation because of anaphylaxis and food allergies. This has presented some embarrassing moments when others wanted to know why I did not participate.
That’s the reason it’s a ridiculous argument. Buy gluten-free so everyone can participate. Done.
Our family was literally asked to leave a church we served in over not being medically able to partake the communion element.
I’m all for trying to accommodate the special needs in the church family. But of course, an individual should always be responsible for their own safety. I would not say #22 is all that “potentially dangerous” since the individual should not be eating the bread unless it is known to be safe for him or her.
I would cry at the ridiculousness of Christians if I were not laughing so hard at some of these. This will get saved and used as an opener when I speak somewhere down the road….properly attributed, of course. Lord, Jesus, help us!
I was part of a church where it was obvious that the sanctuary was badly in need of paint. The discussion went on for several business meetings and finally, one Sunday morning we arrived for worship to find “racing stripes” of various colors painted on the back wall of the sanctuary. That evening, the vote was to just repaint it white like it had been previously. Some wanted other colors to make it appear “warmer” rather than the stark white. This took place over a period of about 6 months. It nearly split the church.