It’s not a boring vocation.
If you serve as a pastor or church staff member, there is rarely a boring moment. A few years ago, I began polling pastors and church staff and collecting some really weird things church members said to them.
Here is my current top 25. I modified some to fit into a direct quote, but the essence remains. The words in italics are my own commentaries.
- “Will you bless me divorcing my husband so I can marry a convicted murder? God told me to do it”. Yes, I am sure that’s exactly what God said.
- Said to a pastor in his ordination council: “What is your view on Christian missions in space?” Space the final frontier . . . to boldly go where no man has gone before.
- After the church member had surgery: “Pastor, will you pray for me to pass gas.” Maybe there was a spontaneous answer to that prayer.
- “I want you to come see my display of nude art.” I’m still trying to find out what the pastor decided.
- During the offertory: “Pastor, do you have change for a twenty?” Probably a deacon.
- To a worship pastor after the service: “Here’s the bulletin. I graded each song based on how worshipful it was.” Thank you. We will be sending you your grades on how much the church staff likes you.
- “Can we put the children’s moment back in the bulletin? I know we don’t have any children but the old folks like it.” Yes, we will alternate it every week with the senior moment.
- “I use to be a warlock.” Was that before or after you became a deacon?
- Just before the service began: “Pastor, there’s no toilet tissue in the women’s restroom.” Makes you wonder what she would have said if the pastor was in the women’s restroom replacing toilet tissue.
- “Thank you for shaving your facial hair, because the Bible forbids it.” You’re right. It’s right there in the Bible at Hezekiah 3:16.
- “My husband’s ashes are in two different places. Will Jesus be able find him? It’s amazing what your husband did to get away from you.
- “Pastor, help me cut this Coke can. I need an ashtray for the fellowship hall.” Yes, things go better with Coke.
- In the middle of the service, a woman asks: “Pastor, aliens visited me. Is God okay with that?” You are mistaken. They were Jehovah Witnesses, not aliens.
- “Pastor, I need you to come get rid of the secret agents spying on me from my attic.” The pastor remembers learning how to deal with this situation from his seminary training.
- “Is it okay for me to lie if I ask for forgiveness in advance?” Definitely a Southern Baptist.
- “Will you come to my house and help get my husband off the toilet?” Ma’am, all husbands like to spend extended time there. Have him take two aspirins and call me tomorrow.
- Church member: “Pastor, will you pray for my son? He’s wild and out of control.” Pastor: “Sure, what’s his name?” Church member: “Maverick.” I guess we should be thankful his name is not “Homicide.”
- “I have the spiritual gift of extortion.” Another Southern Baptist.
- “Preacher, I have some moonshine for your cough. Feel free to stop by the house.” That’s one pastoral visit he made that week.
- “Will you play George Jones songs in the service today?” I’m sorry, we’re doing all Bee Gees today.”
- “The guitars sound like two cats mating.” I don’t thing that’s a compliment.
- “I want you to know if this church fails, it’s not your fault.” Gotta love those church members with the gift of encouragement.
- To the pastor in the men’s restroom: “So, pastors have to go too, huh? And what did you think before this moment?
- “Pastor, I have some extra Vicodin. Would you like some?” Probably not, but thank you for thinking of him.
- “Pastor, pray for me. I’m going to Vegas.” I bet double or nothing he didn’t pray for her.
Yes, church members say the darnedest things. Do you have any to add?
Posted on April 12, 2017
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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211 Comments
After reading these, what came to mind was something I put out there that I wished I could take back. One Sunday morning, we dismissed the kids for children’s church. I wanted to comment on the great sound of their laughter and anticipation of their learning time. What came out was, “I love the sound of the kids as they’re leaving worship.”
Yep. Said that about my grandkids.
I’m not a full-time pastor; although as a seminary student I preach at my church regularly. One Sunday after I finished preaching, an elderly woman and her adult daughter approached me, and this conversation took place:
Daughter: “Eric, that was a good sermon, but you know what? You need to smile more when you preach! You look so serious!”
Mother (to daughter): “No, he doesn’t need to smile! He is thinking. He has to be focused and serious when preaching!”
Daughter: “He can still smile even if he is thinking!!”
This mother-daughter debate continued for several minutes, during which I silently slipped away.
I guess smiling is overrated.
We love your preaching and love the church, I just can’t stand looking at your bald head so we’re finding another church.
Jonathan Howe is deeply hurt.
Oh snap. J Howe just got slammed.
Oh, my!
Bald pastors of the world unite!!!
Perhaps the new pastor was a real bear!
As a Youth Minister I had a volunteer ask me to pray with him about whether he should have an extra-marital affair.
I prayed for him all right…just not the way he wanted.
Pray for my husband, he is in the hospital in the “Expensive Care Unit”! He almost had a heart attack but they put in two “Stenches” that stopped it.
I love double entendres!
On my first Sunday at a church a deacon’s wife told me that she had the spiritual gift of criticism…
She exercised it constantly.
Yes, she emails me from time to time.
Thom, I just love your comments (both in the blog post and in the comments). Keep it up! ????
One Sunday into my 14th year of ministry at a certain Baptist church, a deacon made this comment to me after the service: “Pastor, your preaching is like fine whiskey: it gets better with age.”
He would know.
I had a previous church member that was on a town board that lobbied to get an ABC Liquor Store. When I discussed the issue with him he said the town could use the revenue, and that it was good for the community.
I had another previous member that needed a job and got a job at the same ABC Liquor Store in that town. Church members were saying how well the job paid and had good benefits. Both are true stories.
I went to the State Alcoholic Board meeting to protest the granting of an additional liquor license for our small town of 350. I was pleased to see about 5 of my church members there also – until I learned they were there to encourage the granting of the additional license.
A number of years ago a request was made to a pastor that the church pray for Victor Newman on the soap opera Days of our Lives because he had been poisoned.
That’s a first for me!
This one has me just dumbfounded! People really do think those are real people, huh?
That’s actually “The Young and The Restless”.
An elderly couple who had been members of our church for over 5 years “had” to see me “right away” so the wife could “apologize” to me. She apologized for not telling me things I was doing wrong sooner and proceeded to list them.
After telling me she was worried people “people might be using their phones to read the Bible at church” because of me (I have my open large Cambridge Bible on the pulpit and an iPad mini for my notes), she then told me, “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I think you pray too much.”
It’s true Jesus often had short public prayers but I told her in general I believe we need more prayer in and for our churches rather than less. Shortly after that conversation this couple moved away and are able to “help” another pastor.
Well, God bless the new pastor.
… and is that what you prayed for?
Early in my ministry I had a “slow” week and thus had a little more time to invest in sermon preparation. I delivered what I felt was a better-than-average sermon (for me). After the service, an elderly lady came up to me and said, “Pastor, that was a great sermon. Did you come up with that all by yourself?” God knows how to keep us humble.
So many possible responses. . .
God blessed you with an open mind, heart and soul. That’s how I was blessed also. Except I’m just a regular woman. God is with me always.
“Your wife works so we don’t have to pay you that much.” Yes, it was a deacon.
Too many times . . .
If his wife works, maybe he could give his entire paycheck to the church!
Maybe you ought to give it to your savings account. You know for an emergency or a vacation with your family. If you have over abundance of funds, set it aside for a church member in crisis.