It’s not a boring vocation.
If you serve as a pastor or church staff member, there is rarely a boring moment. A few years ago, I began polling pastors and church staff and collecting some really weird things church members said to them.
Here is my current top 25. I modified some to fit into a direct quote, but the essence remains. The words in italics are my own commentaries.
- “Will you bless me divorcing my husband so I can marry a convicted murder? God told me to do it”. Yes, I am sure that’s exactly what God said.
- Said to a pastor in his ordination council: “What is your view on Christian missions in space?” Space the final frontier . . . to boldly go where no man has gone before.
- After the church member had surgery: “Pastor, will you pray for me to pass gas.” Maybe there was a spontaneous answer to that prayer.
- “I want you to come see my display of nude art.” I’m still trying to find out what the pastor decided.
- During the offertory: “Pastor, do you have change for a twenty?” Probably a deacon.
- To a worship pastor after the service: “Here’s the bulletin. I graded each song based on how worshipful it was.” Thank you. We will be sending you your grades on how much the church staff likes you.
- “Can we put the children’s moment back in the bulletin? I know we don’t have any children but the old folks like it.” Yes, we will alternate it every week with the senior moment.
- “I use to be a warlock.” Was that before or after you became a deacon?
- Just before the service began: “Pastor, there’s no toilet tissue in the women’s restroom.” Makes you wonder what she would have said if the pastor was in the women’s restroom replacing toilet tissue.
- “Thank you for shaving your facial hair, because the Bible forbids it.” You’re right. It’s right there in the Bible at Hezekiah 3:16.
- “My husband’s ashes are in two different places. Will Jesus be able find him? It’s amazing what your husband did to get away from you.
- “Pastor, help me cut this Coke can. I need an ashtray for the fellowship hall.” Yes, things go better with Coke.
- In the middle of the service, a woman asks: “Pastor, aliens visited me. Is God okay with that?” You are mistaken. They were Jehovah Witnesses, not aliens.
- “Pastor, I need you to come get rid of the secret agents spying on me from my attic.” The pastor remembers learning how to deal with this situation from his seminary training.
- “Is it okay for me to lie if I ask for forgiveness in advance?” Definitely a Southern Baptist.
- “Will you come to my house and help get my husband off the toilet?” Ma’am, all husbands like to spend extended time there. Have him take two aspirins and call me tomorrow.
- Church member: “Pastor, will you pray for my son? He’s wild and out of control.” Pastor: “Sure, what’s his name?” Church member: “Maverick.” I guess we should be thankful his name is not “Homicide.”
- “I have the spiritual gift of extortion.” Another Southern Baptist.
- “Preacher, I have some moonshine for your cough. Feel free to stop by the house.” That’s one pastoral visit he made that week.
- “Will you play George Jones songs in the service today?” I’m sorry, we’re doing all Bee Gees today.”
- “The guitars sound like two cats mating.” I don’t thing that’s a compliment.
- “I want you to know if this church fails, it’s not your fault.” Gotta love those church members with the gift of encouragement.
- To the pastor in the men’s restroom: “So, pastors have to go too, huh? And what did you think before this moment?
- “Pastor, I have some extra Vicodin. Would you like some?” Probably not, but thank you for thinking of him.
- “Pastor, pray for me. I’m going to Vegas.” I bet double or nothing he didn’t pray for her.
Yes, church members say the darnedest things. Do you have any to add?
Posted on April 12, 2017
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
211 Comments
I help run a clergy wife group. At dinner one of the members told of the sympathy card they received from the council president after her step daughter passed from cancer. It said if their daughter had truly believed she would still be alive
That is terrible.
I once heard Adrian Rogers tell of a conversation he had with a pastor who was into faith healing. He told the pastor, “When you stand in your pulpit and tell people it’s always God’s will for them to be healed, that’s not only wrong, it’s one of the cruelest things you can say to a person.” The older I get, the more I agree with him.
When Pastor of a church in Ohio, our daughter was born with a severe harelip. When I told our church, I was obviously emotional about it. After the service, many came by to speak to me. One asked me, “Have you and your wife determined what sin God is punishing you for”? I usually conclude that story by saying, “By God’s grace I didn’t punch the person out”.
“When I first saw you, I thought, ‘Oh my God! The pastor is twelve!'”
At a previous ministry, I was cleaning up a very cluttered and chaotic stage and as part of it, I removed one of the chairs so there was some walk room. The very next service, I was berated by an older member who told me “That’s God’s chair.” Apparently, I had removed God from the service by getting rid of his chair. I put “god” back before the next service.
In my state, there is a Pastor God – what do you do with that? That church has God for a pastor. I assume he has a chair too.
While discussing a one of my youth girl’s understanding of the Gospel,
“I used to not believe in God but then I prayed for Him to show me a UFO and it wasn’t ten minutes later I saw one fly bye!”….
Same girl,
“Then I started going to a church and they taught me all about God. My favorite thing about Him is how He has favorite colors and colors He hates, you know, like red and black He hates because those are the devil’s colors.”
“Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight…”
I was out of the office and pulpit for 10 days due to illness. I grew a goatee in my time away. Second Sunday after the illness, a fellow approaches me and tells me that I look like the devil with the facial hair. He emphatically told me that Jesus had no beard, but Satan did. And now, I looked like Satan. Mercy…
Jesus also used a Gillette razor. If you use any other brand, you’re a heretic.
😉
I’m not a pastor or a Southern Baptist, but Thom does such a great job sharing his wisdom and experience with others. Please keep up the great work you are doing. You are in my prayers.
#2 Reminded me that years ago in an interview for an Associate Pastor position the Pastor asked me, “How do you feel about cohabitation?” My first thought was I haven’t tried it. I gave a response on how the Bible forbids it and talked about the sanctity of marriage. Turns out a deacon’s son was cohabiting and he wanted to make sure no one was going to rock the boat. Needless to say, that was not the church for me! But I never thought I’d be asked, “How do you feel about cohabitation?”
I’ll have to remember that one. My dad is a pastor, and he told me several years ago that subject was basically off limits. He could preach on abortion, or homosexuality, or just about any other sin, but not cohabitation.
From an elderly woman I pick up to take to prayer every Monday: “You know, you’re starting to get the hang of leading music, taking over for Pastor Wayne.”
I’ve been here 5 years. Pastor Wayne is our senior pastor – he was worship pastor here before that. Makes me wonder how long it took him to get the hang of it.
We had two services one Traditional that was declining at a terrible rate and a more modern service that was growing. We combined them and one of my more “mature” couples said…”Can’t you keep the First service for 10 more years until we are all dead?”
I think I just chewed my tongue in two!
(Not sure if you can use this, but it actually happened to me.)
Once a month we would have the children join us in the main sanctuary for a family service. I always tried to come up with a message that would involve the kids.
I was teaching on the armor of God and chose an 8 year-old boy to help me. As I talked about each piece of spiritual armor I put the corresponding piece of plastic armor on the boy. As I put shin guards on him I said, “Johnny, have you ever been kicked in the shin?” Without missing a beat and spoken in all innocence he said, “No, but once a kid kicked me in the ****s.” The congregation erupted in laughter and I could never quite get back control of the service.
On my first Sunday at my first church I pastored, the chairman of the Search Committee that brought me there asked me what I was preaching on. And before I could respond, the chairman said, “It better be good because we have heard everything before.”
Sometimes my answer to that question of what I am preaching on is: “The floor”
During the “welcome time” just before going to the platform to preach, I had a church member say to me: “Preacher, if you don’t do something about this air conditioner being so cold me and my wife is going to join Mount Joy Church!” My immediate response (regrettably so) “Well OK. But if you do they’ll have to change their name!”
That afternoon i went to their house and had a little “crow” and “humble pie.” But I think it was almost worth it.