It’s not a boring vocation.
If you serve as a pastor or church staff member, there is rarely a boring moment. A few years ago, I began polling pastors and church staff and collecting some really weird things church members said to them.
Here is my current top 25. I modified some to fit into a direct quote, but the essence remains. The words in italics are my own commentaries.
- “Will you bless me divorcing my husband so I can marry a convicted murder? God told me to do it”. Yes, I am sure that’s exactly what God said.
- Said to a pastor in his ordination council: “What is your view on Christian missions in space?” Space the final frontier . . . to boldly go where no man has gone before.
- After the church member had surgery: “Pastor, will you pray for me to pass gas.” Maybe there was a spontaneous answer to that prayer.
- “I want you to come see my display of nude art.” I’m still trying to find out what the pastor decided.
- During the offertory: “Pastor, do you have change for a twenty?” Probably a deacon.
- To a worship pastor after the service: “Here’s the bulletin. I graded each song based on how worshipful it was.” Thank you. We will be sending you your grades on how much the church staff likes you.
- “Can we put the children’s moment back in the bulletin? I know we don’t have any children but the old folks like it.” Yes, we will alternate it every week with the senior moment.
- “I use to be a warlock.” Was that before or after you became a deacon?
- Just before the service began: “Pastor, there’s no toilet tissue in the women’s restroom.” Makes you wonder what she would have said if the pastor was in the women’s restroom replacing toilet tissue.
- “Thank you for shaving your facial hair, because the Bible forbids it.” You’re right. It’s right there in the Bible at Hezekiah 3:16.
- “My husband’s ashes are in two different places. Will Jesus be able find him? It’s amazing what your husband did to get away from you.
- “Pastor, help me cut this Coke can. I need an ashtray for the fellowship hall.” Yes, things go better with Coke.
- In the middle of the service, a woman asks: “Pastor, aliens visited me. Is God okay with that?” You are mistaken. They were Jehovah Witnesses, not aliens.
- “Pastor, I need you to come get rid of the secret agents spying on me from my attic.” The pastor remembers learning how to deal with this situation from his seminary training.
- “Is it okay for me to lie if I ask for forgiveness in advance?” Definitely a Southern Baptist.
- “Will you come to my house and help get my husband off the toilet?” Ma’am, all husbands like to spend extended time there. Have him take two aspirins and call me tomorrow.
- Church member: “Pastor, will you pray for my son? He’s wild and out of control.” Pastor: “Sure, what’s his name?” Church member: “Maverick.” I guess we should be thankful his name is not “Homicide.”
- “I have the spiritual gift of extortion.” Another Southern Baptist.
- “Preacher, I have some moonshine for your cough. Feel free to stop by the house.” That’s one pastoral visit he made that week.
- “Will you play George Jones songs in the service today?” I’m sorry, we’re doing all Bee Gees today.”
- “The guitars sound like two cats mating.” I don’t thing that’s a compliment.
- “I want you to know if this church fails, it’s not your fault.” Gotta love those church members with the gift of encouragement.
- To the pastor in the men’s restroom: “So, pastors have to go too, huh? And what did you think before this moment?
- “Pastor, I have some extra Vicodin. Would you like some?” Probably not, but thank you for thinking of him.
- “Pastor, pray for me. I’m going to Vegas.” I bet double or nothing he didn’t pray for her.
Yes, church members say the darnedest things. Do you have any to add?
Posted on April 12, 2017
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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211 Comments
Thank you! Only God knows how desperately I needed a belly laugh today.
Actually said during prayer request time:
Please pray for sister ___. As ya’ll know she got backed over by a bulldozer and it broke her legs. The bulldozer still runs good though.
Pastor, Can we leave the beer in the refrigerator in the Social Hall for the wedding, or do we need to bring our cooler?
My all time fave though is this:
Do you mind if we put the heater in the baptismal to make a hot tub and watch the Super Bowl on the big screen?
Both true stories…
Baptistry hot tub. Sounds like a movie.
My daughter was eight when baptized. The baptismal water was warm, so she swam it right before being baptized.
While visiting a church member in the nursing home, he asked me if I could “get one of the nurses to go back to his bedroom and lie with him that night.” I quickly had prayer and left.
#20 Filled in for Joe Thorn while we were at SBTS together at his rural church. The special that day was “On the wings of a snow white dove” by George Jones played on a cassette player. I read that an had coffee come up my nose.
I’d be tempted to reply, “I ordered one of his CDs three months ago, but it never got here. I guess he’s called ‘No Show Jones’ for a reason….”
A few years ago, I was leading worship at a church — a blended service, mind you — and had an elderly woman come up to me and hand me a hymnal. “I’ve marked the ones you’re allowed to play,” she said. The hymnal had about 50 numbers underlined with a red Sharpie.
Thank you for your permission
“You use too much Scripture and too many illustrations in your sermons.” Sadly, this came from the Chairman of the Deacons.
Elderly woman; “Pastor, I was in the ladies room recently and there was no toilet paper.” After taking a few steps away, she paused, and said, “Wait, no. That was Walmart.”
I approach Raymond in the foyer. We shake hands. “How are you today?” “Not good, preacher, I have diarrhea.” (I head for the men’s room, muttering under my breath.)
That’s why I fist bump the younger kids.
I have a 7 month old…named Maverick. What was my wife thinking? Great list, had some good laughs. I needed that this week.
Yep. My first grandchild is named Cannon.
So nice when your kids want to honor the Bible in their choice of a child’s name. But I’d have thought someone with your education would have taught the kids to spell canon properly. 🙂
Wow Jay, Get snarky much? That was quite rude. I’d wager you don’t know much about grace. Maybe they named him cannon as in the big piece of artillery that shoots a large projectile. Or maybe it is a simple spellcheck error.
Pretty sure that was said tongue-in-cheek.
One lady upon meeting me (a female) said, “Well, I’ve heard that women pastor’s exist, but I’ve never met one in person before.” I wasn’t insulted…she was kind.
pastors plural, not pastor’s possessive!
I spent 20 years as a (female) state trooper, so I know exactly of what you speak! My observation was that most people make comments like you noted simply because they are taken by surprise. They aren’t expecting to see a female in that role. They don’t mean to be disrespectful or confrontational – they are simply caught off-guard.
On the other hand, some people do seem to want a confrontation. For example, the first time I met my brother’s boss, her opening line to me was, “Nice to meet you, but I don’t think women should be allowed to be police officers.” I had to walk a fine line on deflecting that one – simply because she was my brother’s boss…
At a previous ministry… After a final presentation on creating a clothes closet for the under-resourced in our community, an elder said, “Well pastor, what are we supposed to make our decision based-on, faith?” The motion carried unanimously! The best part was God supplied 300% of what we needed for the first year of ministry…
I guess faith is overrated to some.
I had a lady tell me once how her pap smear went.