It’s not a boring vocation.
If you serve as a pastor or church staff member, there is rarely a boring moment. A few years ago, I began polling pastors and church staff and collecting some really weird things church members said to them.
Here is my current top 25. I modified some to fit into a direct quote, but the essence remains. The words in italics are my own commentaries.
- “Will you bless me divorcing my husband so I can marry a convicted murder? God told me to do it”. Yes, I am sure that’s exactly what God said.
- Said to a pastor in his ordination council: “What is your view on Christian missions in space?” Space the final frontier . . . to boldly go where no man has gone before.
- After the church member had surgery: “Pastor, will you pray for me to pass gas.” Maybe there was a spontaneous answer to that prayer.
- “I want you to come see my display of nude art.” I’m still trying to find out what the pastor decided.
- During the offertory: “Pastor, do you have change for a twenty?” Probably a deacon.
- To a worship pastor after the service: “Here’s the bulletin. I graded each song based on how worshipful it was.” Thank you. We will be sending you your grades on how much the church staff likes you.
- “Can we put the children’s moment back in the bulletin? I know we don’t have any children but the old folks like it.” Yes, we will alternate it every week with the senior moment.
- “I use to be a warlock.” Was that before or after you became a deacon?
- Just before the service began: “Pastor, there’s no toilet tissue in the women’s restroom.” Makes you wonder what she would have said if the pastor was in the women’s restroom replacing toilet tissue.
- “Thank you for shaving your facial hair, because the Bible forbids it.” You’re right. It’s right there in the Bible at Hezekiah 3:16.
- “My husband’s ashes are in two different places. Will Jesus be able find him? It’s amazing what your husband did to get away from you.
- “Pastor, help me cut this Coke can. I need an ashtray for the fellowship hall.” Yes, things go better with Coke.
- In the middle of the service, a woman asks: “Pastor, aliens visited me. Is God okay with that?” You are mistaken. They were Jehovah Witnesses, not aliens.
- “Pastor, I need you to come get rid of the secret agents spying on me from my attic.” The pastor remembers learning how to deal with this situation from his seminary training.
- “Is it okay for me to lie if I ask for forgiveness in advance?” Definitely a Southern Baptist.
- “Will you come to my house and help get my husband off the toilet?” Ma’am, all husbands like to spend extended time there. Have him take two aspirins and call me tomorrow.
- Church member: “Pastor, will you pray for my son? He’s wild and out of control.” Pastor: “Sure, what’s his name?” Church member: “Maverick.” I guess we should be thankful his name is not “Homicide.”
- “I have the spiritual gift of extortion.” Another Southern Baptist.
- “Preacher, I have some moonshine for your cough. Feel free to stop by the house.” That’s one pastoral visit he made that week.
- “Will you play George Jones songs in the service today?” I’m sorry, we’re doing all Bee Gees today.”
- “The guitars sound like two cats mating.” I don’t thing that’s a compliment.
- “I want you to know if this church fails, it’s not your fault.” Gotta love those church members with the gift of encouragement.
- To the pastor in the men’s restroom: “So, pastors have to go too, huh? And what did you think before this moment?
- “Pastor, I have some extra Vicodin. Would you like some?” Probably not, but thank you for thinking of him.
- “Pastor, pray for me. I’m going to Vegas.” I bet double or nothing he didn’t pray for her.
Yes, church members say the darnedest things. Do you have any to add?
Posted on April 12, 2017
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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211 Comments
Second week as pastor. Talking to many people, therefore arrived in fellowship hall too late to get anything from coffee hour. Woman in kitchen says, “Oh, I used to fix (former male pastor) a plate so he’d get something to eat!” I’m still waiting for that second sentence that says she will do that for me.
In my first church I allowed questions afterwards. One man said, “To me prettiest thing about a woman is her legs. That’s why I do not think a woman should shave her legs. What do you think, Pastor?” I was only 23 so I just said, “Let’s pray.” No more questions on Wednesday night.
While serving as an evangelist, I was told that “I preached well enough to have my own church.”
While serving as the pastor of a Cowboy Church someone said, “Don’t worry pastor, you’ll get called to a real church one day.”
One lady told me, “Pastor, there is something different about you today. You look nice!” Makes me wonder how I look the rest of the time.
A deacon stated:
“You preach from an outline, but the Bible isn’t outlined.”
My husband became pastor for a small rural Souther Baptist church 7 years ago. We knew when he took the job that the church was hurting greatly due to the way the former pastor had left. The former pastor was also a gifted musician – playing the piano and leading the music.
There have been times – though the frequency is finally declining – where someone would tell him “That’s not the way (former pastor’s name) would do it.” Or “(Former Pastor) was such a great christian, and taught me so much.” My husband just bites his tongue and reminds them he his not the former pastor, and God has given him different gifts.
Former pastor left the church and his wife and family after deciding he was gay.
Worst ones to say these type comments are those actually related to him.
Having breakfast with a 80-something-year-old retired pastor who was a member of my congregation and in conversation he says, “Pastor, have you heard of anyone who might be in need of Viagra? I tried the stuff, but it turned my vision blue so the doctor told me to stop using it. The pills are mighty expensive so if you know of someone who could use them I’d be glad for them to not be wasted.”
“We want to get married, and we’re both divorced…but since we’ve been married before, premarital sex is okay, right?”
From a college student serving in youth ministry, when I was a youth pastor…”I would prefer that my parents not serve in the youth ministry, because teens will come to our house, and my dad is into dressing like a baby and having my mom feed and change him and stuff. It’s pretty embarrassing.”
“You expect deacons to attend church at least twice a month!?!? We’ve never held our people to unreasonable standards like that. What if somebody has a boat and likes going to the lake?”
And my all-time favorite…
“Somebody said…”
And I almost forgot…”I want to ask the congregation to pray for me today. I was up hugging the toilet all night, with it shootin’ out both ends.” She said this to the entire congregation…
One Sunday morning, years ago, I was greeting people as they made their way into the building for Sunday School. One older lady made her way to the door and I said, Good Morning, Ms. So & So. How are you today?” She said “Not to d**n well! I got a hemorrhoid the size of a silver dollar and it hurts like hell. You think I carry around this donut pillow because it matches my shoes?”
When a church member heard I (the pastor’s wife)was planning a second child …. she immediately phoned the chairman of the board and said that we were not going to be allowed to take advantage of the church that way.
Haven’t ever got over it!
It was very hurtful!
We were told by the Senior Pastor at a church I served as Minister of Worship that we were out of God’s will when we announced that my wife and I were expecting our fourth child.
Oh, how horrid! This might well fit in a future column about the hurtful things that happen to pastors and their families. Big hugs, Terri!
Them: “You seem to be getting shorter.”
Me: (after a pause) “Well, I’m getting older.”
Them: (after another pause) “No, I mean the length of your sermons.”
Me:
Them:
(I don’t preach anymore.)
They complained because your sermons are getting shorter? Most of us preachers get complaints for the opposite reason. 🙂 I once heard Herschel Hobbs tell about a person who commented on the fact that he never used notes when he preached. The person asked him what he did when he forgot what he was going to say. Dr. Hobbs replied, “That’s easy: I just keep talking until I remember it. That’s why the older I get, the longer my sermons get!”
Literally laughing out loud reading these and, especially, your commentaries and replies! Thank you for helping to make my day!!