It’s not a boring vocation.
If you serve as a pastor or church staff member, there is rarely a boring moment. A few years ago, I began polling pastors and church staff and collecting some really weird things church members said to them.
Here is my current top 25. I modified some to fit into a direct quote, but the essence remains. The words in italics are my own commentaries.
- “Will you bless me divorcing my husband so I can marry a convicted murder? God told me to do it”. Yes, I am sure that’s exactly what God said.
- Said to a pastor in his ordination council: “What is your view on Christian missions in space?” Space the final frontier . . . to boldly go where no man has gone before.
- After the church member had surgery: “Pastor, will you pray for me to pass gas.” Maybe there was a spontaneous answer to that prayer.
- “I want you to come see my display of nude art.” I’m still trying to find out what the pastor decided.
- During the offertory: “Pastor, do you have change for a twenty?” Probably a deacon.
- To a worship pastor after the service: “Here’s the bulletin. I graded each song based on how worshipful it was.” Thank you. We will be sending you your grades on how much the church staff likes you.
- “Can we put the children’s moment back in the bulletin? I know we don’t have any children but the old folks like it.” Yes, we will alternate it every week with the senior moment.
- “I use to be a warlock.” Was that before or after you became a deacon?
- Just before the service began: “Pastor, there’s no toilet tissue in the women’s restroom.” Makes you wonder what she would have said if the pastor was in the women’s restroom replacing toilet tissue.
- “Thank you for shaving your facial hair, because the Bible forbids it.” You’re right. It’s right there in the Bible at Hezekiah 3:16.
- “My husband’s ashes are in two different places. Will Jesus be able find him? It’s amazing what your husband did to get away from you.
- “Pastor, help me cut this Coke can. I need an ashtray for the fellowship hall.” Yes, things go better with Coke.
- In the middle of the service, a woman asks: “Pastor, aliens visited me. Is God okay with that?” You are mistaken. They were Jehovah Witnesses, not aliens.
- “Pastor, I need you to come get rid of the secret agents spying on me from my attic.” The pastor remembers learning how to deal with this situation from his seminary training.
- “Is it okay for me to lie if I ask for forgiveness in advance?” Definitely a Southern Baptist.
- “Will you come to my house and help get my husband off the toilet?” Ma’am, all husbands like to spend extended time there. Have him take two aspirins and call me tomorrow.
- Church member: “Pastor, will you pray for my son? He’s wild and out of control.” Pastor: “Sure, what’s his name?” Church member: “Maverick.” I guess we should be thankful his name is not “Homicide.”
- “I have the spiritual gift of extortion.” Another Southern Baptist.
- “Preacher, I have some moonshine for your cough. Feel free to stop by the house.” That’s one pastoral visit he made that week.
- “Will you play George Jones songs in the service today?” I’m sorry, we’re doing all Bee Gees today.”
- “The guitars sound like two cats mating.” I don’t thing that’s a compliment.
- “I want you to know if this church fails, it’s not your fault.” Gotta love those church members with the gift of encouragement.
- To the pastor in the men’s restroom: “So, pastors have to go too, huh? And what did you think before this moment?
- “Pastor, I have some extra Vicodin. Would you like some?” Probably not, but thank you for thinking of him.
- “Pastor, pray for me. I’m going to Vegas.” I bet double or nothing he didn’t pray for her.
Yes, church members say the darnedest things. Do you have any to add?
Posted on April 12, 2017
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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A couple in our church were having a difficult time conceiving. After many years and much prayer, they finally had a child. The lady was a singer, and was giving a concert at the church one Sunday. As she was telling the story about being prayed over for a baby, it came out of her mouth this way: “I layed down on that pew right there, and pastor layed his hands on me and got me pregnant!” The pastor, as you can imagine, was mortified.
Why the low opinion of deacons?
Having just arrived at my very first pastorate, a couple had me over for dinner and proceeded to tell me that they had gotten so close to the previous pastor that they were determined they would not get close to me. Been here 15 years and I think they meant it!
Pastor, I made a deal with God. I would give up alcohol and chasing after women, if He would allow me to smoke my pot.
“Pastor, will you please baptise my brother, so he won’t break into houses any more?” – 18 yo girl
In a youth group Bible study, ‘Do you mind if I transgress for a minute?’
Our 6 year old daughter saw her 12 year old brother baptized and immediately wanted to be baptized, too. (If we had given him a cow pie she would have wanted one.) I explained that she should wait until she understood it better, to which she snapped, “I understand it now!” That night we heard what sounded like Sea World coming from the bathroom and I called in, “What are you doing in there?” To which darling daughter yelled back, “I told Jesus I loved Him and baptized myself!”
I think Jesus got as big a laugh out of that as we did.
That is so cute and precious.I was so touched.Wow.I am sure Jesus gave her a hug and a kiss because it touched His heart.
I was occasionally asked, “Where in the Bible does it say, ‘To thine own self be true?'” or, “Where in the Bible does it say, ‘This, too, shall pass away?'” They were certain it was in there, but just couldn’t find it.
“Your dad is a really great preacher, and some day you may be too.” (12 years into the ministry)
After a business meeting I moderated didn’t go his way, an older gentleman said “Son, I don’t dislike you. I haven’t known you long enough to dislike you.”
I didn’t give him a chance. I left 2 months later for another ministry.
After the sermon as people were leaving our organist says to me that heard a great sermon this morning! On the radio driving to church.
After about a year in my previous congregation I got a somewhat strange request from a member of the congregation. “Pastor would you please come and pray for the ghosts in our house, but don’t make them leave.”