25 Really Strange Things Church Members Said to Pastors

It’s not a boring vocation.

If you serve as a pastor or church staff member, there is rarely a boring moment. A few years ago, I began polling pastors and church staff and collecting some really weird things church members said to them.

Here is my current top 25. I modified some to fit into a direct quote, but the essence remains. The words in italics are my own commentaries.

  1. “Will you bless me divorcing my husband so I can marry a convicted murder? God told me to do it”. Yes, I am sure that’s exactly what God said.
  2. Said to a pastor in his ordination council: “What is your view on Christian missions in space?” Space the final frontier . . . to boldly go where no man has gone before.
  3. After the church member had surgery: “Pastor, will you pray for me to pass gas.” Maybe there was a spontaneous answer to that prayer.
  4. “I want you to come see my display of nude art.” I’m still trying to find out what the pastor decided.
  5. During the offertory: “Pastor, do you have change for a twenty?” Probably a deacon.
  6. To a worship pastor after the service: “Here’s the bulletin. I graded each song based on how worshipful it was.” Thank you. We will be sending you your grades on how much the church staff likes you.
  7. “Can we put the children’s moment back in the bulletin? I know we don’t have any children but the old folks like it.” Yes, we will alternate it every week with the senior moment.
  8. “I use to be a warlock.” Was that before or after you became a deacon?
  9. Just before the service began: “Pastor, there’s no toilet tissue in the women’s restroom.” Makes you wonder what she would have said if the pastor was in the women’s restroom replacing toilet tissue.
  10. “Thank you for shaving your facial hair, because the Bible forbids it.” You’re right. It’s right there in the Bible at Hezekiah 3:16.
  11. “My husband’s ashes are in two different places. Will Jesus be able find him? It’s amazing what your husband did to get away from you.
  12. “Pastor, help me cut this Coke can. I need an ashtray for the fellowship hall.” Yes, things go better with Coke.
  13. In the middle of the service, a woman asks: “Pastor, aliens visited me. Is God okay with that?” You are mistaken. They were Jehovah Witnesses, not aliens.
  14. “Pastor, I need you to come get rid of the secret agents spying on me from my attic.” The pastor remembers learning how to deal with this situation from his seminary training.
  15. “Is it okay for me to lie if I ask for forgiveness in advance?” Definitely a Southern Baptist.
  16. “Will you come to my house and help get my husband off the toilet?” Ma’am, all husbands like to spend extended time there. Have him take two aspirins and call me tomorrow.
  17. Church member: “Pastor, will you pray for my son? He’s wild and out of control.” Pastor: “Sure, what’s his name?” Church member: “Maverick.” I guess we should be thankful his name is not “Homicide.”
  18. “I have the spiritual gift of extortion.” Another Southern Baptist.
  19. “Preacher, I have some moonshine for your cough. Feel free to stop by the house.” That’s one pastoral visit he made that week.
  20. “Will you play George Jones songs in the service today?” I’m sorry, we’re doing all Bee Gees today.”
  21. “The guitars sound like two cats mating.” I don’t thing that’s a compliment.
  22. “I want you to know if this church fails, it’s not your fault.” Gotta love those church members with the gift of encouragement.
  23. To the pastor in the men’s restroom: “So, pastors have to go too, huh? And what did you think before this moment?
  24. “Pastor, I have some extra Vicodin. Would you like some?” Probably not, but thank you for thinking of him.
  25. “Pastor, pray for me. I’m going to Vegas.” I bet double or nothing he didn’t pray for her.

Yes, church members say the darnedest things. Do you have any to add?

Posted on April 12, 2017


With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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211 Comments

  • I began as pastor of three church buildings in the country and after a while I mentioned to the combined church council that there was only one regular attendee at one of the church sites so I’d only do combined services there once every few months. The ‘elder’ from that site said, “if anyone suggests closing it down I’ll punch them in the nose.”
    I was so shocked all I could do was say something about that not being behaviour fitting with someone who follows Jesus. I should have said, “I move to close down such and such church site.” To see if he was a man of his word.

  • Had a very respected older deacon in our church tell me once: “When you preach, all you ever really do is just read the Bible to us and explain it. You really should pray that the Holy Spirit would tell you what to preach in order to meet someone’s need that day.”

  • Redacted to protect the guilty says on

    Is it bad that I’ve actually said one of these (read “exhortation” too quickly)? Of course, now I am a pastor… someone told me once, “I can get you marijuana-laced tootsie rolls for your chronic pain, just let me know.”

  • One of the most difficult things to hear as a pastor is “look at this!” I cringe and prepare my eyes for what I am about to see.

  • Stevie Mick says on

    As a seminary student I filled the pulpit one Sunday of a congregation while their pastor was away. As I drove up to their church building I noticed a cardboard patch on a small window pane. During my sermon I mentioned I was just a temporary patch too like the cardboard. Afterwards a sweet old lady encouraged me: “Son, you were not a patch, you were a real pane today.”

  • I once had a church member stand in a business meeting and tell the whole church, “The problem we have around here is all the new people coming.”

  • #3 really isn’t that strange considering that it is one of the things on the post-operative checksheet for people who had general anesthesia. And, you have to complete the list before they will let you go home. If that was the only thing keeping me from going home, I would be asking EVERYBODY to pray for it. It might seem a strange way to ask someone to pray that they be released to go home. But, then, Jesus wasn’t terribly concerned with how things were worded. Was it easier to say that his sins were forgiven or to tell him to take up his mat and walk? What often seems strange on the surface may not really be strange at all.

    Of course, that does not necessarily stop them from being humorous.

  • I teach our youth class:

    During a lesson on the virgin birth, I was explaining how Mary could have been stoned if she was thought to be adulterous. One of my older boys got a very confused look on his face. I paused and said, “That means they throw rocks at her. It has nothing to do with illegal drugs.” He looked relieved and said, “Oh.”

    Another lesson involving the 23rd Psalm – I asked the youth what they knew about David. After along moment of silence, one girl said, “Is he the one with the beanstalk- you know – David and the Beanstalk?” I was so shocked all I could say was “There are no beanstalks in the Bible.”

  • A deacon at our previous church was determined that we were NOT going to take down a tree on the church property. The tree was only feet from the building and it’s roots were causing issues to the foundation.

    He got so worked up about it at one meeting that he finally snapped, “The tree is fine! The roots grow straight down! Everyone knows that!”

    That same guy told the pastor, “I was here long before you, and I’ll still be here when you’re gone.”

    He got his way. The pastor is long gone, but the deacon and the tree are still going strong.

  • Mickey Willard says on

    After being at my first church for several months two elderly ladies visited me at the parsonage. One was just there for encouragement for the other. I was told, ‘Pastor, you need to let us out at twelve sharp. My family comes over for dinner and I cannot be late for them..” My answer, “Bring them to worship services with you.” She didn’t take my response to graciously.

  • Pastor Ted says on

    On Monday morning I had a scheduled colonoscopy. Just before the procedure I felt a hand on my side and a female voice said, “Oh, Pastor Ted, its you!! Worship was awesome yesterday!!!” I never asked. I don’t wanna know. Ever.

  • Jeff Jaekley says on

    I was once told that the reason we could not share our facility with another congregation that had lost its building was because the septic system couldn’t handle any more crap. After thinking about it, I had to agree.

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