In an earlier article this week, I noted nine things church members would like to say to their pastors. In this article, I represent the pastors. Please hear me clearly. Most pastors love church members dearly. They truly care for those they serve.
But pastors are human.
And there are times they would like church members to know some things about them. In my conversations with pastors via social media, in person, by phone, and by email, here are the nine most common themes.
- “When you criticize a family member, you hurt me deeply.” Please understand that neither my spouse nor my children are employed by the church. Do your best to treat them as regular church members, and do not place unreasonable expectations on them.
- “I will have bad days, and it will show at times.” A pastor is supposed to be “on” all the time. But it is difficult. I know there are times I speak out of turn. I know there are times when I’m too tired to listen well. I will try not to show my bad days, but I will slip at times.
- “Not all of my sermons will be ‘home runs.’” I wish they were. But with the number of different messages I have to prepare and preach in a year, I won’t always be the stellar preacher you want me to be. Indeed, I won’t always be the stellar preacher I want to be.
- “I am sensitive about my salary.” There are few people who work in a place where everyone in the organization is the boss. That is the nature of church work. But when you make disparaging comments about my pay and my related work, it cuts me to the core.
- “I struggle when the church numbers are down.” I know I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t derive my worth based on attendance and offerings. But when attendance declines or offerings drop, I question my own leadership at the church.
- “I would love a true friend in the church.” I’m talking about someone who would let me be myself, someone who wouldn’t mind if I let my hair down. It seems like everyone wants me to put on my pastor face all the time.
- “Please don’t criticize me or ask me to do something right before I preach.” I put many hours into sermon preparation. I have prayed with intensity about the message. Please don’t tell me the worship center is too cold right before I preach.
- “I cannot show up at every place all of you would like me to be.” I jokingly told a pastor friend that I wish I could be omnipresent, and he laughed and agreed. I love you church members, but it is physically impossible to be all the places you expect me to be.
- “I hurt deeply when good people don’t defend me.” Every leader will have his or her critics; and that is certainly the case with pastors. I don’t expect to be immune from criticisms. But what hurts me the most is the silence of “good” members when I am attacked unfairly. Please say a kind word about me in response to the negativity you hear. Don’t let the few critics dominate the conversation.
Most pastors do indeed love their church members. But most pastors have a challenging work, one that is impossible without God’s strength.
Pastors, what would you add or change on this list? Church members, what do you think about these nine items?
Posted on May 24, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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153 Comments
Thank you for giving voice to our thoughts and experiences Dr Rainer.
A neighboring pastor shared the sentiment of #9 this week when he bemoaned the silent support of his best members. The power of the spoken word cannot be underestimated any more than the powerlessness of the unspoken word.
Thank you for helping me see your perspective. Part of loving is to see the needs of others, but I frankly often don’t think much about the pastor, like he is some kind of super human.
A pastor is not a super human. Just a human.
The last time I thought about this was thirty years ago, when I read Herman Hesse’s “Magister Ludi”. There are three short stories at the end. If you can, read the one entitled “The Father Confessor”.
I am thankful for this article and comments! I will ask now for a followup blog for helpful comments to say to a pastor and family (since saying positive form of this list doesn’t necessarily work in all cases). I especially struggle on how to supportively speak to a pastor as a single woman without seeming flirtatious.
The times when my family is in crisis, and those in the church, especially the leadership, fail to minister to me and my family, I feel like a hired hand, not a member of the family.
welcome to the member’s world! many times my pastor and deacons have failed to minister to me, so it’s not hard for me not to trust or follow them
Here’s number 11: Before you leave this church for another, sit down and talk to me about it. Let me know your reasons for moving. If there is an issue or problem at the root of your decision to move, I would like to at least know what it is and be given a chance to address it. It may or may not be resolvable but you never know until you try. Also be honest about why you are leaving. Don’t lie about it. Chances are I will cross paths with your new pastor at some point and I might mention you and ask how you are doing. I’d rather hear positive things from him than discover quite accidentally that the reason you gave for leaving wasn’t the true reason at all.
Interesting…the pronouns in the first part of your post could apply to either congregants or Pastors.
My ministry IS what I do to “WORK for a Living.”
I work for a living just like anybody else. How is it they think we just work on Sunday?
because for many of us, that’s the only time we see any work out of the pastor. Any employer is going to expect to see results much more frequently than once or twice a week. And when the pastor seems much more involved with his kids during the day, rather than be anywhere near the church or its members, it’s probably going to be true that church is NOT getting its money’s worth. If the pastor is truly worth his hire, then he’s going to have to show it.
As a pastor’s wife I can’t help but smile when I read this! ALL these things apply to us! We’ve been burned many times. I would add as a pastor’s wife that it truly, truly breaks my heart to see people hurt my husband, to see him agonize over numbers and doubt his calling because of discouragement. Thanks for letting us know we’re not alone!
You are not alone Summer. Many on this blog pray as they see the comments come in . . . including me.
Thank you for reopening some of the wounds from this past week! 🙂 It’s only funny because it’s true. I appreciate your blogs on both sides of the coin.
As an intentional interim pastor, I’ve managed to dodge many of the slings and arrows that were familiar to me during my long-term settled pastorates. This week, however, has been different, and your blog came at just the right moment. After nearly 30 years in the ministry, I fear I am losing my resilience, and am seriously contemplating retirement.
Your articles are inspiring and encouraging. It is a comfort to know that others are dealing with the same issues. However, having a close friend in the church can come back to haunt you. Anytime you get close to someone, they begin to see the chinks in your armor.