In an earlier article this week, I noted nine things church members would like to say to their pastors. In this article, I represent the pastors. Please hear me clearly. Most pastors love church members dearly. They truly care for those they serve.
But pastors are human.
And there are times they would like church members to know some things about them. In my conversations with pastors via social media, in person, by phone, and by email, here are the nine most common themes.
- “When you criticize a family member, you hurt me deeply.” Please understand that neither my spouse nor my children are employed by the church. Do your best to treat them as regular church members, and do not place unreasonable expectations on them.
- “I will have bad days, and it will show at times.” A pastor is supposed to be “on” all the time. But it is difficult. I know there are times I speak out of turn. I know there are times when I’m too tired to listen well. I will try not to show my bad days, but I will slip at times.
- “Not all of my sermons will be ‘home runs.’” I wish they were. But with the number of different messages I have to prepare and preach in a year, I won’t always be the stellar preacher you want me to be. Indeed, I won’t always be the stellar preacher I want to be.
- “I am sensitive about my salary.” There are few people who work in a place where everyone in the organization is the boss. That is the nature of church work. But when you make disparaging comments about my pay and my related work, it cuts me to the core.
- “I struggle when the church numbers are down.” I know I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t derive my worth based on attendance and offerings. But when attendance declines or offerings drop, I question my own leadership at the church.
- “I would love a true friend in the church.” I’m talking about someone who would let me be myself, someone who wouldn’t mind if I let my hair down. It seems like everyone wants me to put on my pastor face all the time.
- “Please don’t criticize me or ask me to do something right before I preach.” I put many hours into sermon preparation. I have prayed with intensity about the message. Please don’t tell me the worship center is too cold right before I preach.
- “I cannot show up at every place all of you would like me to be.” I jokingly told a pastor friend that I wish I could be omnipresent, and he laughed and agreed. I love you church members, but it is physically impossible to be all the places you expect me to be.
- “I hurt deeply when good people don’t defend me.” Every leader will have his or her critics; and that is certainly the case with pastors. I don’t expect to be immune from criticisms. But what hurts me the most is the silence of “good” members when I am attacked unfairly. Please say a kind word about me in response to the negativity you hear. Don’t let the few critics dominate the conversation.
Most pastors do indeed love their church members. But most pastors have a challenging work, one that is impossible without God’s strength.
Pastors, what would you add or change on this list? Church members, what do you think about these nine items?
Posted on May 24, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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153 Comments
I hope it is okay to make copies of this to give it out to people.
Please may I have your permission. I will be sure to place your name on the document and I will also include the website address.
Please let me know… because more people need to read this.
Thanks.
Jay
Sure!
I would be honored to support and lift up my pastor. Remember, you are human just like the rest of us yet will be held accountable to a greater degree come judgement day. Hold Fast brother!
my Senior pastor and dear friend of the past 3 years committed suicide Apr 11, 2014. I thought I was close to him but fear that I missed something. The burden is intense for pastors and their calling. I don’t know what further to say but love on your pastors. Be sure they have an outlet without being judged.
My sympathies on you and your congregation’s loss
Here’s one I have heard too much of in the church, “It’s Business” or “We want people who will contribute financially, not the homeless trash from the shelter.” These are words spoken in a heartless manner lacking God’s love and Christ’s Mercy.
To them I’d would and have said, “the church is made up of those who believe in Jesus Christ. We are God’s people, not a business. We are about ministry and service, not profit and gain. We are called to be selfless, not selfish.”
At the Temple, Jesus overturned the tables because the people there had turned the temple courts into the business of making money. If Christ would reject such behavior then, and he is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow; then, doesn’t it stand to reason that he rejects the same behavior now?
the church IS a business, and if you don’t think so, try keeping the lights on without collecting money and writing a check for the electric bill! try keeping the water on without paying the water bill! do your staff work there for free? only a business would pay employees, prepare tax statements, maintain records for non-profit status, use a bank account to pay bills and deposit money, etc……
As an Admin. Asst. I can confirm that the Pastor feels all of these things and I do my best to shield him from what I can. It is difficult for me, too, to be subject to 300 people who all believe they are my boss and treat me like the hired help. I might not agree with every decision or strategy, but I’m not the one called to do the Lord’s work in that capacity. In the meantime, don’t mess with my Pastor, you have to get by me first.
well, then what WERE you called by the lord to do? be a bodyguard?
As a pastor’s (elder’s) wife, I want to say I’m not perfect, never will be, and when a family at our church family all picked on me for very minor things, it was very hurtful. I cried for days. I liked what you said about your family. Even though my husband is not a minister(here) as well and doesn’t get paid for his services as an elder (pastor), it doesn’t give anyone license to pick on his family either. If we don’t love in the church and make everyone feel the love of Christ we have fallen down on the work Christ left us to do.
My experience causes me to ask the question: How can a pastor have truly close friends in the congregation when no one there understands his calling and burden, not to mention all the responsibilities that the pastor is given.
Why do you assume that the congregation does not understand your calling or the burden of ministry? Statistically those people have stuck together for each other slot longer than they have had a given Pastor. They have had to work together to make the hard decisions when they didn’t have a Pastor. They had to feed themselves…some of them taught classes, some of the covered the pulpit, some of them did the calls, some of them did the books. They had to be their own Pastor. They do understand. What they do not understand is the disconnect. Why does a Pastor take the position that his job is the toughest on earth? The loneliest? The biggest burden? The most costly? Why does he feel he is the most sacrificing for the cause of Christ? Does he really believe that his calling is more important and special than what God has asked any of his people to do?
Doesn’t he preach that God is sufficient. That God wants us to live victoriously above the circumstances? That we are to be content? Pastors ought not be discontented…not if they believe what they preach…not if they live what they teach us to live.
Your people may not understand the intricacies of your vocation…but they do understand hardship; having to do dull, grinding, thankless work for people they don’t care to associate with. But they do it because at is what God has ordained for them…and they strive to do it contentedly and victoriously.
Your people shouldn’t have to understand the intricacies of your vocation, anymore than you understand theirs. God equips those whom he calls…each for his ministry.
I know I’ve been hard on Pastors in my several posts. It seems to you like I’m probably a discontented, cynical back row troll waiting to vent on Pastors. That is not the case. I believe God is sufficient…in my business (calling) and yours (calling). I was not surprised at the drudgery, the paperwork, the cranky customers, the press for time, the dry spells waiting for work or payment, the great days when all the stars line up…I expected them…I embrace them as part of what God has ordains me to do. Are you surprised at the drudgery, the administrative work, the cranky old man in the third row, the press for time, the lack of family time, the dry spells, and the great days? Were you not aware that there would be people in your Church? I, too, am in a people business. People issues come with people businesses.
In recent discussions with several Pastor friends of mine, we (they and me) came to the conclusion that the disconnect is often on their side. They had lost sight of their commission…to be a Shepherd to a flock that God had assemble just for them. Sure, some of the sheep are head strong. Some want to eat the weeds. Some want to play in the mud. Some are quite happy to just sit and munch the flowers. Some are serious about being part of the flock and are productive. They concluded that they, as Shepherd, had started to think that the whole business was about Shepherds instead of about Sheep. They had lost sight of the fact that God had assembled their flock just for them. They had forgotten that shepherds do,what the sheep need done…not make the sheep do what the shepherd needs done. At the end of the day it’s all about the sheep.
Now…someday they can ask God…the Great Shepherd…just what he was thinking!
Pastors…we love you. We desperately need you to lead us gently and profitably as sheep with all of our quirks and penchants for wandering and stubbornness. A good shepherd truly loves his sheep. He cannot be a good shepherd if he resents his sheep, or if he doesn’t trust them. Lead us in HIS pastures…for HIS glory…please!
I don’t mean any disrespect, but if you’ve never been a pastor, you won’t understand.
You are right…I do not understand. How is the Pastorate so much more difficult than any other profession?
Different, obviously. But more difficult?
God has promised to equip those he calls…to whatever walk in life…for his honor and glory. That should equalize the playing field.
If you had a man that constantly needed fluffing up, was depressed over his profession, was losing his health neglecting his family and desperately lonely due to the pressures of his profession…what would you counsel him to do?
I don’t trivialize the difficulties my church members face in their jobs, so I’d rather them not trivialize the difficulties I face in mine.
Wow. Just wow.
Yes, the calling of a pastor is a special one over and above other Christians. We have been entrusted and empowered in a special way by the Spirit, and because of this we will encounter a different judgment before Christ than other believers (James 3:1 and many other places).
Second, we expect things to be different in the church than the world at large because the church has been called out of the world when its members were converted in the new birth. Yes, all leadership has its issues, but a pastor should expect those in the church to be much different than the world because of what the church is in its human composition.
A hut of goats however could be expected to be the same or worse than the world and I see quite a bit of that I’m afraid
From the bottom of my goat hut heart. If God has called you to a “special work, over and above other Christians” ( the implication being that their life path is somehow less worthy). If you have been “entrusted and empowered in a special way” for this “special work” how then can it be that you find Gods provision lacking? I know you preach to your people that God will supply all of their needs in their lives…but it rings hollow if God cannot supply the needs of his “special” workers.
“We expect things to be different…” Does that mean issue free? Does that mean you expect Godly behavior from all your people? Then why are Pastors necessary. “The WORK of the ministry, CORRECTION, REPROOF AND INSTRUCTION” would seem to bear.
Your people, goats though they may be, were given to you by God. Pastor them. Lead them. Love them. Trust them. Talk nice about them. Teach them. Be an example for them.
Please…the Cause of Christ desperately needs committed, loving Shepherds.
As a pastor who is daily keenly aware of my own shortcomings and struggles to practice what I preach I appreciate much of what Slim has posted. I pastored a church that had heavy turnover in pastors and unfortunately I turned out to have a short tenure there as well. I truly believe to this day that God called me to pastor the church I am in currently. My current church has been 100 times harder than the one I left and I knew it would be harder when I accepted the call. The reality is that when churches have high pastoral turnover the deacons will fill the leadership vacuum left by those circumstances.
Slim, I have wrestled most weeks over the past 4 years to stay and only by God’s gracious supply I have and will. I do preach to Christ’s church to endure hardship and then the Spirit reminds me of that when I want to run. I do preach that God supplies and am consistently challenged to lean on His supply. I am no different than the vast majority of pastors who weekly struggle with the same issues. Nor am I different than the vast majority of church members who struggle to stay at their jobs…or stay with their spouse…or not give up on their kids…or not give up on the church. God’s supply is deeply rich to all of His saints. Thank you for exhorting me in your comments. The church belongs to Christ and it’s all about Him and His glory every day.
Keep being faithful to The Lord! May God grant us all an enduring faith wherever and however we serve Him. We need it! Jeff
Wow, chill out Slim!
I can’t imagine how hurt you are for all the turnover you experienced. But having someone so predisposed and so hard as you expressed would make ministry so unsavory and make any pastor quit.
Hear my heart…not so much the verbiage of this condensed forum. I am very dedicated to my Church and my Pastor. And I work and pray daily for a long tenure of both. Hard I am not. But I live and work in a world where men need to know and be told the truth directly for their own safety, morale and the benefit of the crew they work on and for. Crew leadership rises and falls on the ability, and willingness, to work together with many personalities in quiet and not so quiet circumstances. That ability is taught and learned. Some have a predisposition to lead, but almost none have the needed skill set innately.
When I hear a man say that he won’t trust the people in his Church or more importantly his Deacon Board; I hear a man who does not have the necessary skill set to play well with others. Worse, he refuses to acknowledge the lack and won’t learn. The relationship is untenable. And he blames his crew.
When I hear a man say that he is desperately lonely but won’t try to have friends in his Church; I hear a man who lacks the relationships required to love his people well, to pray for them instead of about them, to trust them, to lead them. The relationship is untenable. And he blames his crew.
When I hear a man say that he is constantly criticized and never complimented; I hear a man who needs to be constantly propped up, patted on the head, coddled and treated as special. Such a man cannot lead a crew effectively and will frustrate the snot out of the real leadership who has to play to his weakness.
When I hear a man demand the respect, obedience, servitude and cooperation due his position; I hear a man who is insecure and untrusting. Or worse, a man who is arrogant and prideful and thinks more highly of himself than he ought. Such a man will not long lead a crew successfully. He may drive a crew successfully…but the men will resent him and will not happily cooperate with him. Such a man will always blame his crew saying they are clickish, and think they are better than him, and don’t respect him
When I hear a man say that his is a higher and more special calling than those he pastors (lords over). I hear a man who has lost sight of his purpose and position. He is proud and haughty. He cannot relate to his crew, they will not cooperate, I will lose profitability. I will fire such a man…even if he is good at his trade because he makes the rest of the crew hate their job.
When I hear a man say that his job is the most difficult, the most demanding, the most burdensome and requires the most sacrifice to stay at; I hear a man who has lost sight of his calling. He is mired in the muck of pride and self. I will never place a man in a position of Leadership that will break him. I will stretch him, but I will equip him and enable him to grow and to lead his crew that I assembled for him. Everybody wins if everybody works. God is faithful, he will equip his people for the ministry he has called them to. To say less is to insult God himself.
Leadership will always have to contend with other personalities, other ideas, history, experience, friendships, relationships and skill sets. The people business is always so; whether as Pastor, Foreman, or Contractor. Paul recognized this when he was teaching Timothy how to identify the men who could be taught to lead.
There is an excellent blog on arrogance on this site. I read it and was convicted. All of us should read it. All of us should print it and read it daily. All of us have people counting on us to love them and lead them. We cannot do less.
Our Churches turnover is not unique among evangelical churches. Pastors move on at a rate of less than four years for whatever reasons seem best to them. The Pastor blogs seem to blame the people for this trend and claim the moving of the Spirit in their decision to leave. In the contracting world, such a man will eventually find it hard to be offered a good job, because he will be leaving again. So, that man, skilled as he is at his trade, people skills notwithstanding, will usually start his own company. But, not having learned the people skills, he will not be able to keep quality people in his employ and he will blame them.
Are all Pastors like these men? Obviously not! Praise God for faithful and loving Shepherds in the ministry.
Are there Pastors that need to enhance their skill set…so it would seem. Deacons? Obviously.
All all church members good people? No. We are not. We are a bunch of fractious, rebellious, self-indulgent, self-absorbed sinners saved by the grace of God and collected together for the work of the ministry. And then given to you to love and to teach and to lead and to equip for ministry.
If I have been found to be offensive in my posts…I apologize. My intent is to provide balance to the discussion. Maybe some of us need to examine our hearts and make some changes, or polish up our skill set, or just plain decide to love our people…even if they are goats.
Pride?
Addendum to #8: …and please understand that I can’t support every cause and give gifts for every milestone event for every member’s child. If I give to one, I have to give to all, and I don’t make enough to do that and eat too.
what i expect as a church member is for my preacher to be a human . for his family to be human as well . i expect the preacher to be Gods messenger and bring His words to me and teach me . I expect the preacher to bring the message daily to “His” flock, to church goers and ones that have never stepped into the door way of a church . I expect the preacher to listen to his church members when they come to him with a issue and not judge them but listen and pray with them, but the members need to listen to the preacher and his family as well and pray for them . Preachers have a tough job trying to please everyone and the only one he needs to please is God that is what we all need to do. Ask ourselves daily, are we doing Gods work or are we pleasing our own agenda? . Stop putting so much pressure on a fellow human and start getting down on those things called knees and praying together with that man called a preacher . Your preacher is to guide you and encourage you, not please your every whim . What Would Jesus Do if he was walking among us today?.. What Did Jesus Do when he was walking this earth ? ..How would any one of us look at God right now and respond to Him with our actions ? Saying a prayer right now for all churches..
I often reference the conflict management model in Matthew 16 as covenant with my church
leadership.
They can point to it when people are going to others before talking with the source of the concern first.
When your church is growing, and the old guard has their power diminished this is when I have seen
the most conflict and a spike in the parking lot meetings. Church members say they want to grow, but
they do not want to weather the stress of change, nor release some of the power and control necessary
for this to happen.
These complaints are very similar to many shared by leaders all throughout time. Most of the “pastoral” problems are self inflicted. 1 Cor 12 and 1 Cor 14:26-40 show a much different pattern for how the body is supposed to operate. Instead of wearing the mantel of “pastor” realize that it is just one of the offices God set up and the gifts you have may differ from what is normally expected. You need to identify those who God has empowered with other offices and gifts.
I agree. Everyone has gifts to contribute to the functioning of the church. Absolutely no reason for a pyramid structure where the burden is on one person. Team leading, team teaching and team serving provide a much more inclusive culture. Half of those statements could be eliminated if it was a shared responsibility.
I respect what you’re saying, but you have to have some leadership if things are going to get done. As they used to say in my last church, “Everybody’s business is nobody’s business.” God has appointed pastors to be the leaders in the church.