Church bullies are common in many churches. They wreak havoc and create dissension. They typically must have an “enemy” in the church, because they aren’t happy unless they are fighting a battle. They tend to maneuver to get an official leadership position in the church, such as chairman of the elders or deacons or treasurer. But they may have bully power without any official position.
Church bullies have always been around. But they seem to be doing their work more furiously today than in recent history. Perhaps this look at nine traits of church bullies can help us recognize them before they do too much damage.
- They do not recognize themselves as bullies. To the contrary, they see themselves as necessary heroes sent to save the church from her own self.
- They have personal and self-serving agendas. They have determined what “their” church should look like. Any person or ministry or program that is contrary to their perceived ideal church must be eliminated.
- They seek to form power alliances with weak members in the church. They will pester and convince groups, committees, and persons to be their allies in their cause. Weaker church staff members and church members will succumb to their forceful personalities.
- They tend to have intense and emotional personalities. These bullies use the intensity of their personalities to get their way.
- They are famous for saying “people are saying.” They love to gather tidbits of information and shape it to their own agendas.
- They find their greatest opportunities in low expectation churches. Many of the church members have an entitlement view of church membership. They seek to get their own needs and preferences fulfilled. They, therefore, won’t trouble themselves to confront and deal with church bullies. That leads to the next issue, which is a consequence of this point
- They are allowed to bully because church members will not stand up to them. I have spoken with pastors and church staff who have been attacked by church bullies. While the bully brings them great pain, they have even greater hurt because most of the church members stood silent and let it happen.
- They create chaos and wreak havoc. A church bully always has his next mission. While he or she may take a brief break from one bullying mission to the next, they are not content unless they are exerting the full force of their manipulative behavior.
- They often move to other churches after they have done their damage. Whether they are forced out or simply get bored, they will move to other churches with the same bullying mission. Some bullies have wreaked havoc in three or more churches.
Church bullying is an epidemic in many of our congregations. The bullies must be stopped.
Posted on March 30, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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290 Comments
Thom,
I just came across this post on your blog. It is very helpful in understanding some recent circumstances at a church I have been associate pastor at for the past almost ten years. It is true that there are pastors and other folk that get hurt in this process but the worst part is that the Name of Christ is hurt.
These things never happen in a vacuum and many eventually figure it out. Christ’s church as a whole suffers when this unGodly situation happens. The church tends to loose its credibility in the community and ceases to be a real transformational church. Attendance tends to go down and the fellowship of the church is characterized by disunity.
Satan eventually comes out as the real victor as the church looses its influence as a light to the community/world. This makes me sad even as I have watched it happen to a church that I have invested almost ten years of ministry into. Not sure what that says about me and my discipling but it is still sad.
Hi Thomas, That’s a great shot on bullies in the church. As I have experienced they can hold your church hostage if you don’t confront them and remove their power base! I would go as far to say that it can be called the spirit of Jezebel.
As a side note these people are often of lower intelligence and used bulling all their lives to get their way.
Thanks again
As stated supply in the last church I served, the church bully raged because other members wanted to make a change. It was a change that needed to be made, fully supported by the denomination. She tried the “people are saying” tactic. When I told her to send those people to me, she went to the “bullying nice people” to increase support. This was not successful, so she moved on to publicly attacking me at the women’s guild meeting. Her 10 minute rant began with “I don’t understand why…” Nobody said a word while she raged. When she finished, I said that I would be happy to explain why, and then did so calmly. The following Sunday I preached about the need to have difficult discussions and explained how to do so. I also told congregants how to recognize bullying behaviors and that if anyone said that if things didn’t go their way they would leave/withhold their tithe, that the response should be “we will pray that you find a good new church home.” She left the church after several members told her that. She goes to another church in town (I apologized sincerely to the receiving pastor who is a friend. The church is now growing in faith and number with their new pastor. I have moved on to a new church where the former pastor was the bully. I am blessed that my congregants actually like each other and appreciate that I am helping them to discover their own gifts for ministry and helping them to use them.
Greetings, I didn’t get the opportunity to read every one of the blogs written on “church bullies” so if this was mention and I didn’t see it, forgive me. Dr. Rainer I just came across your book “I am a church member” and finished reading it over the 2015 Easter holiday. Your perspective on being a church member and the Body of Christ is so profound that it opened my eyes to why an indiviudal must function in a Christ like manner so that Gods’ work can be seen by unbelievers. I loved it!!!
I do have a question (anyone can answer) and it is that many years ago I read about a husband and wife who were hurt by the church so badly that they began sort of a retreat/counseling haven for those who need healing from the hurt. Do you or any one know what I am talking about? Thanks for the topic “church bullies”. It is truly timely because I didn’t know what emotions I was dealing with among those with power in my local church when something goes awry and I seem to be the culprit.
Bullies give off “vibes” when things don’t go their way. Again, I appreciate you!!!
Unfortunately, the advent of social media has given church bullies a large venue in which to do their dirty work. I take comfort in the fact that they will answer to Someone much bigger than I am.
One of your best, Thom. Unfortunately, entirely true at every point. And more unfortunately, as I read I could put names – and in several cases, a list of names, at every point. I’ll look forward to the next installment.
Lying, manipulative, quick to anger alternating with self-pity, into confrontation, lacks empathy, patronizing, self-absorbed, narcissistic, irresponsible, blames others, and a bit paranoid.
Does this describe your bully? If so you may be dealing with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Hard to treat as it is not a mood disorder like depression, but an ingrained aspect of the personality.
I know, I saw a marriage destroyed by such a disorder. If your bully has BPD they will rarely admit they have a problem, or that they are the problem. They are masters of twisting reality. They essentially drink their own Kool Aid. If getting a BPD bully to seek therapy is out of the question, get them out the door OR don’t let their nasty negative manipulative BS slide: call them on it! Every time; consistantly.
Some of the meanest folks on the planet go to church. You ain’t been done until you’ve been done by a brother!
Indeed. It always hurts when someone does you wrong, but it hurts all the more when the person claims to be a follower of Christ.