Church bullies are common in many churches. They wreak havoc and create dissension. They typically must have an “enemy” in the church, because they aren’t happy unless they are fighting a battle. They tend to maneuver to get an official leadership position in the church, such as chairman of the elders or deacons or treasurer. But they may have bully power without any official position.
Church bullies have always been around. But they seem to be doing their work more furiously today than in recent history. Perhaps this look at nine traits of church bullies can help us recognize them before they do too much damage.
- They do not recognize themselves as bullies. To the contrary, they see themselves as necessary heroes sent to save the church from her own self.
- They have personal and self-serving agendas. They have determined what “their” church should look like. Any person or ministry or program that is contrary to their perceived ideal church must be eliminated.
- They seek to form power alliances with weak members in the church. They will pester and convince groups, committees, and persons to be their allies in their cause. Weaker church staff members and church members will succumb to their forceful personalities.
- They tend to have intense and emotional personalities. These bullies use the intensity of their personalities to get their way.
- They are famous for saying “people are saying.” They love to gather tidbits of information and shape it to their own agendas.
- They find their greatest opportunities in low expectation churches. Many of the church members have an entitlement view of church membership. They seek to get their own needs and preferences fulfilled. They, therefore, won’t trouble themselves to confront and deal with church bullies. That leads to the next issue, which is a consequence of this point
- They are allowed to bully because church members will not stand up to them. I have spoken with pastors and church staff who have been attacked by church bullies. While the bully brings them great pain, they have even greater hurt because most of the church members stood silent and let it happen.
- They create chaos and wreak havoc. A church bully always has his next mission. While he or she may take a brief break from one bullying mission to the next, they are not content unless they are exerting the full force of their manipulative behavior.
- They often move to other churches after they have done their damage. Whether they are forced out or simply get bored, they will move to other churches with the same bullying mission. Some bullies have wreaked havoc in three or more churches.
Church bullying is an epidemic in many of our congregations. The bullies must be stopped.
Posted on March 30, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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290 Comments
My family actually left our church because of a family of bullies. My oldest son was bullied relentlessly by the son and when we actually stood up to him/them we were made to be the bad guys because they had been there a lot longer than we were. We loved that church and we were hurt by the turning of the backs by those we thought would stand with us to end this abuse. He is a deacon and Sunday school teacher, she is the ‘janitor’ and over a couple of different things in the church. They are in complete and total control of the church and have gone as far as to turn some who have stayed our friends when we left against us. We went back because we missed the preaching and was received with coolness and whispers. The son had left the youth because he graduated but the director still treated my son with indifference. It was heartbreaking to be walked by and not spoken to or ignored. We have yet to find a church home for fear of being abused again. We are not a confrontational family, but I never liked bullying. We just don’t know what to do. We pray that they will see but many are blinded by fear. This family will not leave this church, they have total control.
This is no longer a church but a dictatorship. Not only has this family taken control of this church, but they’ve also given God and Jesus the boot. How sad they use the church and its congregants for their own selfish needs. It’s as if the congregants have been brain-washed; if they truly believed in God, they would have the courage to confront this family of bullies and run them out. My autistic son was bullied by our pastor’s two grandsons, so I left our church as well. We converted to Judaism because Christianity was no longer the answer. Baruch Hashem.
Thank you. Unfortunately, some are pastors.
What if the church bully happens to be the Pastor?
This happened in a church I belonged to years ago, when I didn’t realize church bullying was a “thing”. I was the chairperson of the education committee, and the person in question was co-leading, with “weaker” members, the children’s education and youth groups. There was a number of questionable practices and a lot of bullying happening at that time, but I didn’t recognize it as such, I just knew it was wrong. I worked with the pastor and the church board chairperson to mitigate the damage and eventually convince the person to step down and away from the program. They also ended up leaving the church. As I read this article, I realized that it was bullying that was happening. I’ve always felt guilty for my role in this person deciding to leave the church, but now, I realize that they actually were in the wrong. Each one of your points in this article is exactly what was happening. I wish I’d read this sooner! Thanks!
I have seen bullies in action and have been the victim of church bullying myself. Confrontation on this issue is so hard, because you’re right – bullies often just leave when they know they can’t throw their weight around anymore. Even if they were confronted lovingly or from a friend. Rarely is there repentance and reconciliation. Rarely is there true resolution. They move on and become someone else’s problem. It’s so important to bathe this issue (and those people) in prayer, because it requires a complete change of heart and attitude beyond any isolated issue.
In my experience, the most dangerous church bullies are not the loud and boisterous ones. They are those that spread their seeds of dissension through intentional gossip. I don’t mean someone who just gossips a lot, but someone who has an agenda with that gossip. They are rarely called out, because they are quiet and, as some others have mentioned, leave others to do the dirty work while they stir the pot. This is the type of bullying that my husband and I have been subjected to, and it’s especially damaging because of how personal it feels when someone isn’t just bullying but conniving.
Bullies do not deserve prayers. Unfortunately most don’t see anything wrong with their behavior, and instead blame their victims.
Exactly and you know what else, a lot of times the victim will be attacked by the bully and when you try to address it to the person, they will assume that they are stating facts about why they aren’t supposed to be apart of this ministry when in fact they are just trying to make the victim feel inferior because they are not in a leadership position. Or because they try to spot their weaknesses and play on that. And I would also like to point out how leadership in the church especially bullies autistic and special needs adults. They make the sit on a pew every Sunday and do nothing.
For the past five years I have been pastor of a toxic church that is run by just a hand full of bullies. As I have looked at the history of our church this has gone on as for back as 1970, maybe longer. One thing that I have found is that over the years the old bullies hand pick the next bullies to pass the job down to. This May I will be leaving this church, God has removed me and opened new doors.
Count your blessings!