Church bullies are common in many churches. They wreak havoc and create dissension. They typically must have an “enemy” in the church, because they aren’t happy unless they are fighting a battle. They tend to maneuver to get an official leadership position in the church, such as chairman of the elders or deacons or treasurer. But they may have bully power without any official position.
Church bullies have always been around. But they seem to be doing their work more furiously today than in recent history. Perhaps this look at nine traits of church bullies can help us recognize them before they do too much damage.
- They do not recognize themselves as bullies. To the contrary, they see themselves as necessary heroes sent to save the church from her own self.
- They have personal and self-serving agendas. They have determined what “their” church should look like. Any person or ministry or program that is contrary to their perceived ideal church must be eliminated.
- They seek to form power alliances with weak members in the church. They will pester and convince groups, committees, and persons to be their allies in their cause. Weaker church staff members and church members will succumb to their forceful personalities.
- They tend to have intense and emotional personalities. These bullies use the intensity of their personalities to get their way.
- They are famous for saying “people are saying.” They love to gather tidbits of information and shape it to their own agendas.
- They find their greatest opportunities in low expectation churches. Many of the church members have an entitlement view of church membership. They seek to get their own needs and preferences fulfilled. They, therefore, won’t trouble themselves to confront and deal with church bullies. That leads to the next issue, which is a consequence of this point
- They are allowed to bully because church members will not stand up to them. I have spoken with pastors and church staff who have been attacked by church bullies. While the bully brings them great pain, they have even greater hurt because most of the church members stood silent and let it happen.
- They create chaos and wreak havoc. A church bully always has his next mission. While he or she may take a brief break from one bullying mission to the next, they are not content unless they are exerting the full force of their manipulative behavior.
- They often move to other churches after they have done their damage. Whether they are forced out or simply get bored, they will move to other churches with the same bullying mission. Some bullies have wreaked havoc in three or more churches.
Church bullying is an epidemic in many of our congregations. The bullies must be stopped.
Posted on March 30, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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Hi Mr. Rainer. I am frantically looking for help and guidance as I am lost. My family has been shunned away from church and my children lost daycare because of a few people in the administration that believes it would be better for the church. I am devastated. I hesitate to put too much detail on the website, but I would like to communicate the story to you and see if you could point me in the right direction, as I am afraid of what else they can do to defame my family. None of us have ever had criminal convictions, but we are treated as such, the church even asked the police to put a warrant for “criminal trespassing” if my husband, I or the kids would go on their property. My family needs protection from their bullying, but I have no idea where to go and who to contact.
Hi I am currently going through bullying in my youth group because I am not seen as cool enough for a certain group of people in my youth group and I am afraid to talk to my youth pastor because of the influence these people have and they do not bully me directly to my face but they socially exclude me and they make plans in front of me but they never invite me any where.
Jon –
I am so sorry. I am praying for you right now.
I’m glad to see this article online, but am sorry that it even had to be written.
Church bullies find churches to be an easy target because they expect Christians to lay down. Too often, we as Christians do lay down like doormats in the face of a bully’s abuse.
We do this not only due to emotional co-dependency, but also because of a truncated view of Jesus as only meek and mild with all people. Jesus was not meek and mild with everyone. Thus, the combination of co-dependency and a weak view of Jesus renders many clergy and many laity unhealthy to deal effectively with church bullies.
Just how long does one allow a church bully to abuse a church body? It depends!
Does such a church just want to continue to loose healthier members? Does such a church want to see these bullies cause permanent damage to clergy, clergy spouses and or clergy kids which surprise does happen?
How much understanding, meek, and mild, passive love will change these bullies? None!
How much damage to a church’s life and ministry plus reputation in the community and pastors as well as pastor’s families must be sacrificed? A lot!
Is that Christ like? Is this showing Christian love to the victims of bullies? Not at all!
Where’s the love in being quiet, meek and mild? It’s not there!
A true church bully can’t be reasoned with or loved into change for their personalities are abusive. They do not find boundaries to provide feelings of safety, but feelings of having an obstacle put in their way which they are determined to get and maintain.
True church bullies don’t respond to normal conflict resolution techniques for they often have an undiagnosed personality disorder like narcissism or borderline.
Yes, they need to be treated respectfully, but that does not mean being a meek and mild doormat for Jesus. He who was not always meek and mild himself in dealing with people. Church bullies need concrete consequences for their boundary breaking like peace be still or peace leave.
I’ve seen Christians with enough emotional/spiritual maturity who have done this. I’ve seen ones who lacked it who have not done this who wait for someone from the outside to come in and “fix”their toxic church while their compliance is part of the toxic problem.
I’ve also seen some who join by transfer later on become a transfer Trojan horse bully who has done this before.
Unfortunately some church members have been so bullied that they are too afraid. Thus, they chose to remain afraid instead of risking change. That’s their choice. We have to respect where they are and love them for they may decide to change one day and need our support.
The truth is that such a choice not to change is a choice to remain co-dependent with the church bully; to enable their dance of emotional and spiritual blackmail, and to not be a Christ like loving Christian.
One is either enabling the bully by being a passive doormat or one is equipping the health of the church by not being an enabler. It’s that simple.
My thoughts on this are that the issue of bullying needs to be carefully addressed, but also seen in a wider perspective, and held in tension with other dynamics that are happening. Here in the UK we have different generations with very different cultures and expectations, and believers of all ages with widely differing understandings of what church is, should be, and what really matters. We’re in a historical time of transition in the West from Christendom churches where managing a congregation and reactive task focus was more often the norm than visionary leadership, risk taking and radical discipleship. Believers may then have within that complex scenario very different understandings of the underlying vision of their wider group, the denomination or movement of which their church is part. One may be coming in a passive way identifying with the ‘sheep’ aspect of discipleship , and being ‘part of a flock’, expecting to be pastored and nurtured, and another is dynamically focussed on outward facing mission. Add into that mix the way groups perceive even the smallest shift from the sweet midpoint of the leadership style spectrum toward controlling style in one direction or overly permissive style in the other as being much greater than it actually is (because of the imbalance of power between the leader and the one led) and you have the scene set for everyone pointing the finger at everyone else for both bullying and bystanding, overcontrolling leadership, helpless learned passivity, or undermining and sabotage. I’ve come to feel the single most important feature of a church after focus on Jesus needs to be that it is a safe setting where holiness grows in expressions of genuine trusting relationships and conflict transformation.
I wonder what these would look like to help a church bully identify herself or himself as such. No one believes themselves to be a bully, no one cackles with glee at the idea that they are causing chaos and destruction (unlike the bad guys in the cartoons of our childhoods). So while it’s important for church leaders and members to be able to identify, name and confront such behaviour in others, is there some way to help the church bullies recognize it in themselves, because frankly only then will they be convicted and open to the Spirit working a change in their hearts and in their behaviours.
The oldest church in Colorado closed and is up for sale because of bullying that chased everyone away. Once everyone was gone, the bully and his enabling wife, didn’t stick around either—there was no one left to abuse—so they also quit attending and the church doors closed seemingly forever. Over the years, the bully and his wife have routinely moved from one church to another. I have written to them three times over the past several months. While putting them on notice that bullying will not be tolerated, I encouraged them to come to our church (60 miles away) where they have attended off-and-on over the years, appealing to them to let the gospel of Jesus settle into their hearts so they can settle into a healthy church home, but I have received no response and they have not come. My husband does not attend church because of a different bully situation thirty years ago. My daughter does not attend church because of yet another bully incident at yet another church over a decade ago. By God’s grace I am prepared to protect others in the presence of bullies and believe that literally saying “OUCH!” then asking “Did you mean for that remark (or behavior) to be so hurtful?” can be one way to hold a bully accountable and engage a bully on the spot in the presence of the one attacked, to show the abused that we will stand up for them and with them. The fact that I hit “Print” for this article, and 87 pages of comments printed also, reveals what a significant problem this is. Proverbs 6 tells us that sowing discord among the brethren is an abomination to the Lord. Bullies bully at their own peril and the peril of others. We cannot ignore this. Thank you for your articles!
Mary Jane, this comment doesn’t seem to be in response to any other posts here.
Are you suggesting that people should be “made mindful” by bullying or intimidation?
Silence during worship service is essential. Reverence is required for peaceful prayer and meditation. Those who do not regard other’s need for a peaceful experience need to be made mindful of this.
I am an Associate Pastor. My staff and I have been abused for at least 7-8 years by a bully. (It had gotten so bad that our previous pastor banned him from our offices or having conversation with staff). Unfortunately, now his wife is ON STAFF!!! He is the main reason that our senior Pastor finally moved on. We now have a new Senior who has also been abused but insists that this man is one of our sheep and will “come around by our love.” I have spoken to leaders and they refuse to confront this man. I am prepared to leave the church if the behavior continues. Your article is spot on with all of his behavior (and much more). Any suggestions? I grow weary of the constant attacks and rumor-mongering that he promotes. Thank you for your article.
Just a technical correction to the hyperlinks to other articles. They are both broken because there was a missing / after each .com
I thought the articles were awesome and wanted to hear more, but was slightly delayed since these didn’t work. No worries, just wanted to make you aware for future readers!
Great read.
Dr. Rainer,
I served a church for 13 years, was the second longest serving pastor in the history of the church. I never had a problem with anyone until last year. A couple didn’t get their way so the attacked my wife and children and physically attacked me. My deacons stood by and did nothing. As a matter of fact, one of the deacons is now the pastor. I felt I had no option but to move on. I am now serving in another community and this new church has tripled in size but I am still so angry and bitter over this. I need help getting past what happened to my family and it seems I have nowhere to go.
Though it sounds cliche, Kevin, prayer is the only answer to the pain of bitterness. I am joining you in that prayer.
I’m laying here, examining my heart- praying that if this article (and those like it) evoke the anger they do in me, why?
I have grown up in a sbc. I love God. Love people. I desire to live in the center of Christ’s will. I’m a sinner. Imperfect human. As we all are.
I see many things going right in the body of Christ. I see many going wrong. I don’t believe we are focusing on the things that need the most change.
Many of these issues you have addressed in this article would be resolved in very few, but authentic heart changes.
Leadership can not be responsible for others actions. But they can be responsible for their own hearts.
That’s the issue. Hearts. Not going to change a spiritual bully. God can, though.
Making these things so matter of fact So you can list them may get a lot of blog hits and the format might “reach today’s pastoral leadership”, but it isn’t very relevant to the reality I’ve seen in our local churches.
This secret society pastors have formed to help them “minister”, the inner circle, if you will does more damage to the body than any one bully.
I’m not a leader. But I’m a people. One in a flock. Keep in mind most of the people you are trying to reach are not the mover and shakers or the leaders, but everyday people. And everyday people find these type of articles completely irrelevant and out of touch with the reality they live.
On the contrary, this blog is largely directed at pastors and church leaders. Many of us pastors find laypeople to be out of touch with the realities we live day after day. Instead of dismissing these concerns, maybe you should try to see things from the writer’s perspective?