“My church is a mean church!”
I received two emails this week from church members who made that very statement. The members are from two different churches in two different states. One of the churches belongs to a denomination; the other is non-denominational. In both cases the church members made the decision to drop out of local church life altogether.
Yes, I tried to reason with the two members. I told them that no church is perfect. If they had any doubt, I wrote, look at the two letters the Apostle Paul wrote to the church at Corinth. I failed in convincing them to stay in their churches. I pray they will become active in other churches later.
I love local churches. But I have to admit, I am hearing more from long-term members who are quitting church life completely. One member wrote me, “The non-Christians I associate with are much nicer people than the members of my church.”
Ouch. That really hurt.
So, after receiving the second email, I began to assimilate all the information I could find where church members had written me about their “mean” churches. They may not have used the word “mean” specifically, but the intent was the same. I then collected characteristics of these churches, and I found nine that were common. I call these the “nine traits of mean churches.”
- Too many decisions are made in the cloak of darkness. Only a select few members really know what’s going on. The attitude of those elitists is that the typical member doesn’t really need to know.
- The pastor and/or staff are treated poorly. Decisions are made about them without a fair process. Complaints are often numerous and veiled. Many of these churches are known for firing pastors and/or staff with little apparent cause.
- Power groups tenaciously hold on to their power. The power group may be a formal group such as a committee, elders, or deacons. But the group can also be informal—no official role but great informal authority. Power groups avoid and detest accountability, which leads to the next point.
- There is lack of clear accountability for major decisions and/or expenditures. The church has no clear system in place to make certain that a few outlier members cannot accumulate great power and authority.
- Leaders of the power groups have an acrimonious spirit. Though they may make first impressions of kindness and gentleness, the mean streak emerges if you try to cross them.
- A number of the members see those outside of the church as “them” or “those people.” Thus the church is at odds with many in the community instead of embracing them with the love of Christ.
- Many members have an inward focus; they view the church as a place to get their own preferences and wants fulfilled. They are the opposite of the description of church members in 1 Corinthians 12, where Paul describes them as functioning members for the greater good of the body of Christ.
- Many people in the community view these churches negatively. Those on the outside often refer to these churches as “fighting and firing churches.” The community members detect no love for them from these churches.
- Most of the members are silent when power plays and bad decisions take place. They don’t want to stand up to the power group. They are afraid to ask questions. Their silence allows the power abuses to continue.
Are mean churches really increasing in number? My anecdotal information would indicate they are.
What can we do to become a more unified body? How can churches demonstrate more positive impressions to the community? What can we do to hold on to good members who are giving up on local churches altogether? What is your input on these issues? Let me hear from you.
Posted on March 23, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
240 Comments
I have been in churches like this! I agree that one of the main answers is to focus on discipleship rather than just getting people to commit their lives to God. The problem I see is that the church doesn’t know how to disciple.
The discipleship series I’ve seen in churches usually focus on doctrine – getting people to know what they believe. And while I agree that that’s important I think it’s just as important to teach people how to break free from their sin – not just behavioral sins, but also heart issues like anger, worry, envy, self-absorption, etc – some of those things that are causing the problems in the church to begin with.
It’s wonderful when you have a pastor who is growing himself and breaking free from these things, but you don’t always see that. Often the pastors are as immature as the church members. They may have begun their ministry as vibrant growing Christians but the pressures, temptations, insecurities, annoyances, and time constraints have all had a negative impact on their own walk with God.
I’m not pointing the accusing finger – I’m a Christian writer so I know firsthand the temptations of ministry. It takes a lot of effort to keep walking closely with God when you’re surrounded by opportunities to make life about things other than God. I have the time to do that as a writer – pastors have a lot less time than I do and also temptations that I don’t have.
I am one of those fired pastors you speak of….I was fired for trying to correct these very things…
Hey Thom,
May I have your permission to reprint this in our church newsletter? I don’t believe I serve a mean church but, I think this will allow us to hold a mirror up to ourselves for close examination. What do you think?
Victoria –
You certainly have my permission to use it. Of course, without knowing your context, I cannot say if it will be helpful or not.
My family recently left the church that I had been attending my entire life for all of the reasons listed in this article! When the pastor was forced out for no apparent reason and a new pastor came in, things just continued to get worse. The church is known in our small town for hiring and firing pastors. There are a lot of bad things said about it. The final straw for our family was when the youth leader, appointed by the new pastor, publicly chastised me and my 17 year old son after my son and his girlfriend broke up. We didn’t quit going to church though. We go to a slightly larger church in a nearby town and it is great. The children are very active in the programs and the youth pastor is amazing!
this resonates with me deeply.. 3 years ago, I was kicked out of a Calvary Chapel in Wisconsin for being autistic and volunteering with the homeless….
all 9 of these traits were glaring there…
Love the comment above about the problem isn’t the mean people, it’s the dear ones who do nothing. We must contend for the faith and it’s righteous application in the church….doing so in a righteous way. But when an injustice is done on any side, those who say nothing are as guilty as the perpetrators.
Nailed it!
My husband and I left a church where we had served for over 20 years. The way they treated the Pastor and his wife was reprehensible. The Pastor told us that it was okay if we left and not to stay just because of him and his family, that if we needed to go, it was okay. People that I had served with during that time were unrecognizible to me and I saw a side of them that I never knew existed–(and we had been very involved and did attend all the business meetings where you see the worst side of people). I was so disappointed and hurt by their attitudes. Their coffin (church) is beautiful, but there is a rotting corpse inside. They finally called after they had run the pastor off and asked if we were coming back as my husband and I had filled quite a few positions at the church and needed to know if they would have to find replacements. . .We have found an awesome church now, truly a gift from God.
I wonder how many of the “mean” churches described above are traditional, and how many are newer congregations?
I would have been one of those good members that left church life if it wasn’t for my pastor and a stronger desire to obey God. I was encouraged to let the hardship develop me instead of defeat me. Joy restored.
I am a pastor’s wife. In our almost eleven years of marriage my husband has served in four churches. After we had been married for one year my husband was fired as a result of blatant lies told by the senior pastor. Even through that heart-wrenching experience, I don’t know that I would say there are “mean” churches. Certainly a lot of mean, bitter, hateful (insert whatever adjective you’d like) PEOPLE, but I still love the church as a whole. In each of our four churches, the majority of the congregants were dear friends to us both. As others have mentioned, the hardest part for me has not been the attacks of the “mean” people. It has been the people we loved and trusted that stood by and did nothing.
When I left my old church because up to 1/2 the congregation supported abortion and gay marriage I wrote a letter to the pastor and the board and told them why I was leaving. One member of the board and his family wouldn’t speak to me but the rest would. At the church I’m attending now we are told that we are a very friendly group. We have visitors almost every week because of our location but we only have 30 members. One couple left because we didn’t have enough Bible study. Our pastor preaches the good news every week and we have a pastor’s class after. During the week we have Awana with 30 kids attending. We have a weekly prayer group. I’ve invited my neighbors to many special events at our church but so far nobody has accepted my invitations. We do have a yoga group, Seventh Day Adventists, and a Russian church that rent our facility. We are justt learning patience.