“My church is a mean church!”
I received two emails this week from church members who made that very statement. The members are from two different churches in two different states. One of the churches belongs to a denomination; the other is non-denominational. In both cases the church members made the decision to drop out of local church life altogether.
Yes, I tried to reason with the two members. I told them that no church is perfect. If they had any doubt, I wrote, look at the two letters the Apostle Paul wrote to the church at Corinth. I failed in convincing them to stay in their churches. I pray they will become active in other churches later.
I love local churches. But I have to admit, I am hearing more from long-term members who are quitting church life completely. One member wrote me, “The non-Christians I associate with are much nicer people than the members of my church.”
Ouch. That really hurt.
So, after receiving the second email, I began to assimilate all the information I could find where church members had written me about their “mean” churches. They may not have used the word “mean” specifically, but the intent was the same. I then collected characteristics of these churches, and I found nine that were common. I call these the “nine traits of mean churches.”
- Too many decisions are made in the cloak of darkness. Only a select few members really know what’s going on. The attitude of those elitists is that the typical member doesn’t really need to know.
- The pastor and/or staff are treated poorly. Decisions are made about them without a fair process. Complaints are often numerous and veiled. Many of these churches are known for firing pastors and/or staff with little apparent cause.
- Power groups tenaciously hold on to their power. The power group may be a formal group such as a committee, elders, or deacons. But the group can also be informal—no official role but great informal authority. Power groups avoid and detest accountability, which leads to the next point.
- There is lack of clear accountability for major decisions and/or expenditures. The church has no clear system in place to make certain that a few outlier members cannot accumulate great power and authority.
- Leaders of the power groups have an acrimonious spirit. Though they may make first impressions of kindness and gentleness, the mean streak emerges if you try to cross them.
- A number of the members see those outside of the church as “them” or “those people.” Thus the church is at odds with many in the community instead of embracing them with the love of Christ.
- Many members have an inward focus; they view the church as a place to get their own preferences and wants fulfilled. They are the opposite of the description of church members in 1 Corinthians 12, where Paul describes them as functioning members for the greater good of the body of Christ.
- Many people in the community view these churches negatively. Those on the outside often refer to these churches as “fighting and firing churches.” The community members detect no love for them from these churches.
- Most of the members are silent when power plays and bad decisions take place. They don’t want to stand up to the power group. They are afraid to ask questions. Their silence allows the power abuses to continue.
Are mean churches really increasing in number? My anecdotal information would indicate they are.
What can we do to become a more unified body? How can churches demonstrate more positive impressions to the community? What can we do to hold on to good members who are giving up on local churches altogether? What is your input on these issues? Let me hear from you.
Posted on March 23, 2015
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
240 Comments
Not sure if it is on the increase or it is just that people in today’s society are less tolerant of the meanness and they don’t have the patience to put up with it or the spiritual maturity to battle it. Our church has lost a large portion of its younger population in the past year over this very issue. They all informed me that although they love the church they have grown weary of the meanness and condescension of some of the older members and leaders. It has been brewing for many years and they are just fed up.
I know it sounds silly but its time to put hymnals back in the pews. Praise songs are fine for 10% of the time, but learning serious concepts in the hymns of our forefathers solidifies a church. Just my bias. The fluff praise, theatre, preach nicey nicey to the unsaved visitors church, is not a church. Its a social club.
I might add Rules that are not Biblical to this as well. I divorced because of my ex’s adultery. It was known by the pastor this was an issue. Upon my return from Iraq 3 years later when I asked to have a wedding ceremony to my Fiancee I was told the bylaws do not allow it. BUT, we could get married elsewhere and then join the church. I used scripture to show this qualified as an exception and questioned why church disciple was not applied to my ex. The answer…… The rules are the rules. I pointed out Christ was upset with the Pharisees for similar issues, invented rules with no Biblical basis. The reply, “this is not negotiable.” Nice, I enjoyed that welcome home vibe.
Yep, I pastor a mean and unloving church. I’ve been at this church 8 months and have been confronting sinful behavior in love since. There are those conspiring against me to remove me. There are those who gossip about me in the community. There are those who will not simply listen and heed the Word of God. I have often thought it would be easier for God to treat this church like Nebuchadnezzar. To cut down the great tree (humbling), so that a new sprout of a changed heart and truth can grow and spread life through a dying community.
One reason why I believe we are in this mess is due to the lack (or absence) of church discipline. It must be taught and emphasized so that order can come to the body. It must be shown that the goal of discipline is reconciling (not expulsive). Maybe, if we stop cowering away from responsibility and do what the Lord instructs us to do, will we find peace, christian order, faithfulness, accountability, true learning (you can’t learn in chaos), and an overwhelming love that will tell people that we belong to Christ!
Excellent article, thank you SO MUCH for posting, as well as the many thoughtful and godly replies many of you have written. My family has always attended church, and had to move out of state 18 years ago from a church and church family we absolutely loved. While no church is perfect, we struggled finding a “good” church in our new town with a population under 20,000. Our only other option was driving an hour to the next largest town, but we felt it would be too difficult to connect with and fellowship with others.
After a few years of trying to find a good church, we prayerfully committed to attending a denominational church in town. After over 12 years in that church, all members of our family were having repeated difficulty with nearly all of the 9 reasons you listed in the article. Feeling bruised and battered from “sticking with it” for 12 years, we finally left that church a little over a year ago.
We couldn’t quite identify as succinctly as you have the reasons we ultimately left. The members of that church often shun us when they see us in town, won’t speak with us, or avoid us. We are still prayerfully asking God where He wants us to fellowship, but in the meantime are trying to routinely fellowship with strong Christian friends not connected with that church.
Blessings on you, David.
The idea of a church is dead, or it should be. In many of Paul’s letters we see that early churches had a multitude of problems, in only a few years of existence! Most Christians will take this to mean something like “all churches have their issues, and it’s just a natural thing… we just need to find a way to solve ours!” We should take their problems as more of a warning, as in the formula of a church is flawed! It’s a bad system! They become cliquey, gossip spreads, and the leadership becomes distant: it might occur at any given church in 10 years or 100, but it happens. Christians should experience Christian fellowship in a more efficient way, like independent get-togethers or clubs with their FRIENDS. After all, do you want to have Christian FELLOWSHIP with FELLOW Christians, or random church people? I think the answer is obvious… and anyone who tells you differently is probably a clergyman trying to keep his job or someone indoctrinated thereby.
I was going to write about a mean church I left in Sierra Vista, AZ. There were more bullies in that church than at the school across the street.
After reading all the comments I just sorta felt like “why” waste my time? I would agree that many of my non “churchy” friends are nicer than those that went to that church. But, they have each other I guess.
Twenty years ago I moved out of church planting into a regular pastorate. The church I went to was reported to be 50 years old and had been through 25 pastors. The pastor before me sued the church on the way out. I was there five years and hopefully broke some of the patterns.
When God moved me to where I am now, it was hard to leave. But I have been here 15 years, and again I think we have broken many patterns.
From this scant amount of experience I would want to strengthen the perspective that the problem is not always with the church. To be honest, I have seen pastors do some really stupid things, then when it blows up they can blame the church instead of their own leadership and choices. A church that is mean usually got that way by either having their heart broken by pastors several times in a row, or growing only by transferring in members who left their old church because they were broken hearted.
Please notice in your own points that churches are mean only if there are mean people involved. As a pastor I frequently remind myself, I need to minister to everyone God gives me. I can’t intentionally chase off mean people just to preserve the unity. I can however be wise enough to prevent their rise to leadership or gathering allies. I can be Biblical enough to focus on growth through evangelism, not recruiting away other churches members, which is equivalent to adopting the other churches problems. I can foster the attitudes of Christ in the church instead of adversarial relationships.
Being a pastor is tough. Sometimes you have to be abundantly gentle, other times you have to be fierce. Blessed is the man who follows the spirit well enough to get it right most of the times. I have an analogy I use for this, Riding the Tiger. Here is a link to the full idea in a blog post.
https://storeroomoftheheart.wordpress.com/2013/12/09/riding-a-tiger/
Great perspectives, Charles. Thank you.
A great discussion. Sometimes a congregation is so twisted and so divorced from the Gospel that it needs to die. Some congregations cannot be fixed. Ones that are sick enough will only continue to chew up pastors and abuse their members. Death and resurrection is part of our story. Not every congregation can be changed. Let the sick ones die and start anew with people “who have ears to hear” that Christ is central. If clergy quit marching naively into the meat grinder to prop up truly mean and Christ-less churches, those churches will die off.
I tell couples that when violence enters their marriage the marriage is already over. If an abused spouse files for divorce she is not “breaking up the marriage.” The marriage was broken when her husband raised his fist against her. How is this any different at the congregational level? When a congregation turns mean its mission as a viable, legitimate church is over. There is nothing wrong, unfaithful or cowardly about recognizing that. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to take the body down from the cross and give it a decent burial.
Keeping mean churches open can make us accomplices for their crimes and the bad reputation they give to followers of Jesus. How refreshing it would be for the un-churched or de-churched to see us hold mean churches accountable and SHUT THEM DOWN!
Mean churches? Yes. However, in most cases these churches are acting out old wounds in their “bodies” that have never been healed by Christ. Similar to the old curmudgeon (or young one) who seems irascible and resistant to being helped, wounded churches (of which there are thousands) go through the motions of doing church all the while carrying dysfunctional spiritual and relational illnesses.
Not until grumpy old Aunt Agnes dies do you discover she was eaten up with cancer and thus her uncharacteristic grumpiness begins to make sense. It’s the same with what Tom Ranier calls “mean churches.” It’s more than a catchy blog title. The Bride of Christ is sometimes a real mess, however as pastors and church leaders we are called to help her hear from Christ afresh, lead her to repentance and help her overcome her dysfunction. It’s dangerous and courageous work. Nevertheless preparing the Bride for her Groom is the call of the hour. Without doing so the world is repulsed and the Spirit grieved (blessingpoint.org).