The moment they hear it, they feel the “cringe factor” throughout their body. Even as the first few words are spoken, the recipient feels his or her emotions plummeting. It is the one sentence that is uniformly dreaded by pastors and church staff. It typically begins with these words:
“People are saying that . . . “
The full sentence could say; “People are saying that you don’t visit enough.” Another example is: “People are saying that our student ministry is not doing well.” Or one more example is: “People are saying that you don’t have good office hours.”
The sentence might specify a group while maintaining anonymity for the individuals: “Some elders are not happy with you” or “A lot of the staff are unhappy.”
You get the point. It could be phrased a number of ways, but the meaning is still similar. “People” is never defined. The true complainer is never identified. It is one of the most frustrating and demoralizing sentences pastors and staff will hear. Here are some reasons for the frustration:
- The complainer lacks the courage to speak for himself or herself. So he or she hides behind the deceitful veil of “people are saying.” Leaders in churches know that when complainers lack courage to speak for themselves, or when they have to hide behind anonymous complainers, they are trouble in the making.
- The leader has no recourse or action to take. These complainers never identify the source or sources. So the pastor or staff person cannot follow up and speak directly to the dissidents. He or she is left with a complaint that cannot be resolved due to anonymity.
- The leader immediately questions the motive of the complainer. The moment the ministry leader hears those words, “People are saying . . . “, he or she doubts the credibility and the heart of the complainer. The approach is cowardly; it thus is always seen through the lens of doubt and frustration.
- This approach is a double frustration for the ministry leader. First, he or she has heard yet another criticism. Most ministry leaders have to deal with criticisms too often. Second, the ambiguity of the complaint and the source of the complaint can leave a leader wondering if the problem is really bigger than reality. He or she can waste a lot of emotional energy on something that really may not be such a big deal.
- Indirect criticisms can be the most painful criticisms. Most ministry leaders deal better with someone who is direct and precise in his or her concerns. But indirect criticisms such as “People are saying . . . “ or “I love you pastor, but . . . “ hurt more because cowardly actions and duplicitous behavior are added to the criticism itself.
As a leader in a local church and in other places, I got to the point where I did not entertain such veiled criticisms. I tried to be polite and say, “I am sorry, but I cannot listen to you further because you will not give me the specific sources of the concerns. If you are willing to name those people specifically or, even better, get them to speak to me directly, I will be happy to hear the concerns.”
Has my approached worked? Frankly, I don’t recall any of these critics being happy with my response. But I have had to learn that there are certain people in churches and other organizations who have the spiritual gift of complaining. And they will exercise that gift frequently and with vigor.
I have to move on to those who have positive and encouraging solutions. Life is too short to deal with cowardly complainers.
Let me know what you think about this issue.
Posted on December 17, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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343 Comments
“We” don’t think. Our church has an official policy that if a person issues a complaint, he/she must put it in writing and sign it. If not, it is tossed. We have found this not only works well, but the people of the church appreciate it, since it tends to reduce the control freaks taking charge.
Lots of great comments. Some very sad situations. I have not read everyone’s, so please forgive me if this is redundant.
As much as I empathize with the desire to “shut down” those bringing anonymous criticisms into my office, I think the pastoral role needs to be extended beyond that, taking advantage of such exchanges as an opportunity for a teaching moment, specifically regarding what I call “The Matthew 18 Protocol.”
Your post inspired me to write about that here: http://deathpastor.blogspot.com/2015/02/toward-taking-roast-pastor-off-of.html
Thanks in advance for any comments, questions, concerns, or suggestions–so long as you identify yourself as their source, of course. 🙂
Late to comment, but I just discovered this great article!
There’s another problem with the “I’ve had people say to me” comments. Many times the person that has supposedly heard these comments is actually going around saying them, gauging responses, and counting anything other than direct opposition as support for their feelings. To put it frankly using a biblical term, they’re sowing discord. Then if leaders disagree with the comments, the church leadership is ignoring the self-appointed people’s representative. It’s sort of like playing a collective “God card” that trumps any other idea.
My response to these comments has become the same as yours, which is essentially “I’m no ogre; let people approach me on this for themselves”.
Another similar response that I’ve learned is regarding anonymous notes. If I find a note on my desk, etc., the first thing that I do is check for a signature. If there’s not one, I don’t read it. If someone won’t take responsibility for what they say, I don’t want to hear it. I know myself too well!
I am a layperson who has faithfully served in my current church for over 20 years. I am not a whiner, complainer, or gossip. But recent actions by church leadership have caused me to publicly and privately voice objections to, what I see as, bad decisions. In private conversations with ministerial staff, I have used words such as “several have talked to me about…” because it was true; several dozen people had approached me with deep concern. When asked to name names, I didn’t. I didn’t name names because these wise non-complainers, non-whiners, non-gossiping faithful Christians were frustrated and still seeking direction. They knew the consequences of speaking out would be difficult for them and their families.
I knew I was not alone in my concern, but I also hoped that my ministerial staff knew me well enough that they could trust everything I said, even if I wouldn’t give them the names of those who had come to me. These members – some of whom I knew well and some whom I was meeting for the first time – came to me in confidence. They trusted me with their heartache. They trusted that I would not betray them…just as those who talk with a minister trust that their confidence and privacy will no be betrayed.
So I would encourage staying away from the pat answer of “Give me names.” Know your individual members well enough to know whether or not to give credence to what might really be important.
Lou, I say is “amen”! If it’s true, it’s true. It doesn’t matter who says it.
I like to use the reply I got from the late Dr. Thomas Meigs, professor of pasoral ministry at Midwestern and New Orleans seminaries- “Well, do you find yourself agreeing or disagreeing with them?” This puts the responsibility squarely on the tale bearer.
This is awful. Everybody faces criticism – it’s how you respond to it that proves your worth, not how you nitpick to insist that the criticism “isn’t fair” or “doesn’t count” because there’s not a name attached to it. I would think that a man of God would welcome criticism to better serve his congregation. But apparently you think criticism is cowardly or worthless if it’s anonymous. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Anyone with even a basic understanding of human psychology would know that anonymity is the best way to receive *honest* criticism. People are scared of disappointing you, and you fire back online about how much you hate this criticism, proving their original point! Why don’t you create an anonymous suggestion box and get over yourself? You should be ashamed.
Thanks for the insights. I would have to agree with many of the other respondents to this issue. My response is to ask “who is saying these things?” More often than not, that usually brings the conversation to an abrupt end. However, if they can name a few people that have expressed these feelings, then I will take these thoughts into consideration, and then ask them if it would be alright if I contacted those individuals who have these concerns so we can discuss them and see if it might help us to be more effective in our ministry.
This is so true however as I have voiced in the past this is just another of many symptoms of the great need for revival in the church. Symptoms will never be alleviated until the problem is singled out and pursued. It is way past time to correct glitches in the church, revival must come to affect any appreciable change. Denominational leaders, pastors and church leaders everywhere must come together in a concerted effort to awaken our people for the need for revival above anything else.
For denominational leaders, state and national, this means that any new programs or promotion must make the need for revival paramount. Things such as organizing of large scale prayer meetings to pray for revival, just to mention one. For pastors it means no more Santa Claus and cotton candy sermons, sin and repentance must become the message of the day. For church leaders, especially deacons, it means quickly pinpointing and confronting those guilty of such spiritual immaturity, that’s part of their calling. If we as a convention could rally around these principles I firmly believe that we could harvest some fruit. I know that you are probably not the person who could bring this about but it would be gratifying to me and I believe to many other pastors (I don’t have any names) to hear you speak to and promote such an effort
Dr. Rainer, as I have in the past I continue to voice my respect and encouragement to you for your passion and efforts to see healing in the church but at the same time I would commend to you a powerful video from Holydesparation.com titled “WAKE UP!” if you have not already viewed it. God’s urgent message comes through loud and clear in this video and this message must be heralded in every pulpit with passion and consistency if we can expect God to bring revival.
Thom,
I have been using a great question lately when complaints come my way. I wish I could take credit for this, but Mike Harland mentioned it, and I haven’t forgotten it.
“Do you agree with the people you are telling me about?”
If yes, then let’s sit down and talk about it.
If no, then will you tell them that you don’t agree with them and offer to set up a time for the three of us to talk about it?
Nothing is full proof, but this has been helpful in many situations for me.
Merry Christmas!
Rob
People are saying that they don’t like this post. I couldn’t help myself. 🙂
After fielding complaints from one “concerned” person in the church, I went to the chairman of the elders to vent. I had recently preached a sermon on “The Parts of the Body”, from Paul’s teachings in I Corinthians 14. This kind man listened to my lament, and then reminded me that I had just addressed the concept .. “In the body there are many parts …” He then reminded me that every body has (forgive me – these are his words) an asshole, and that’s the part the complainer was playing today. Then he went on to warn me – “And it’s the only body part that’s interchangeable. Tomorrow it may be your turn, or mine”.
I’ve never forgotten that conversation …
I usually stop them with those first few words and ask if they are one of those “people”. If they say no, I stop them again and tell them that the Bible speaks against gossip, so I can’t participate in a conversation that includes other people unless those people are present. Then I tell them to relay to those “people” that I would love to meet with them to discuss their concerns. If it’s a serial complainer I usually just stop them after “people are saying” and say, hey, tell those people to come see me. I then start moving away. I had one lady say, “Don’t you want to hear what the problem is?” I just answered, “Sure, tell them to come see me.” and I walked away. As a minister of Music, I have gotten complaints through the years about the volume of the music(too loud and too soft), or certain soloists, or ‘why don’t you sing more…’, or styles of music. My typical response is 2 parts. First, these are personal preferences, not doctrinal issues. Part 2, I meet with the Pastor regularly about the music that we sing. God called him to shepherd the flock, not me. We sing music covering a variety of styles and every song we sing is doctrinally solid. I hope that our focus will be on worship and not on our own personal preferences. If I stray from these basics, I can assure you that our Pastor will say something to me before anybody else does.