The moment they hear it, they feel the “cringe factor” throughout their body. Even as the first few words are spoken, the recipient feels his or her emotions plummeting. It is the one sentence that is uniformly dreaded by pastors and church staff. It typically begins with these words:
“People are saying that . . . “
The full sentence could say; “People are saying that you don’t visit enough.” Another example is: “People are saying that our student ministry is not doing well.” Or one more example is: “People are saying that you don’t have good office hours.”
The sentence might specify a group while maintaining anonymity for the individuals: “Some elders are not happy with you” or “A lot of the staff are unhappy.”
You get the point. It could be phrased a number of ways, but the meaning is still similar. “People” is never defined. The true complainer is never identified. It is one of the most frustrating and demoralizing sentences pastors and staff will hear. Here are some reasons for the frustration:
- The complainer lacks the courage to speak for himself or herself. So he or she hides behind the deceitful veil of “people are saying.” Leaders in churches know that when complainers lack courage to speak for themselves, or when they have to hide behind anonymous complainers, they are trouble in the making.
- The leader has no recourse or action to take. These complainers never identify the source or sources. So the pastor or staff person cannot follow up and speak directly to the dissidents. He or she is left with a complaint that cannot be resolved due to anonymity.
- The leader immediately questions the motive of the complainer. The moment the ministry leader hears those words, “People are saying . . . “, he or she doubts the credibility and the heart of the complainer. The approach is cowardly; it thus is always seen through the lens of doubt and frustration.
- This approach is a double frustration for the ministry leader. First, he or she has heard yet another criticism. Most ministry leaders have to deal with criticisms too often. Second, the ambiguity of the complaint and the source of the complaint can leave a leader wondering if the problem is really bigger than reality. He or she can waste a lot of emotional energy on something that really may not be such a big deal.
- Indirect criticisms can be the most painful criticisms. Most ministry leaders deal better with someone who is direct and precise in his or her concerns. But indirect criticisms such as “People are saying . . . “ or “I love you pastor, but . . . “ hurt more because cowardly actions and duplicitous behavior are added to the criticism itself.
As a leader in a local church and in other places, I got to the point where I did not entertain such veiled criticisms. I tried to be polite and say, “I am sorry, but I cannot listen to you further because you will not give me the specific sources of the concerns. If you are willing to name those people specifically or, even better, get them to speak to me directly, I will be happy to hear the concerns.”
Has my approached worked? Frankly, I don’t recall any of these critics being happy with my response. But I have had to learn that there are certain people in churches and other organizations who have the spiritual gift of complaining. And they will exercise that gift frequently and with vigor.
I have to move on to those who have positive and encouraging solutions. Life is too short to deal with cowardly complainers.
Let me know what you think about this issue.
Posted on December 17, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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343 Comments
Do you have any suggestions on how to convey the message of this article to a congregation? Will they get they eventually get the message when the pastor simply refuses to respond to anonymous complaints or is a more direct approach feasible such as making this article available for them to read personally?
Thom, I love you. Your page has cheered me up no end! I’m a Pastor in the UK in on e of the nastiest churches I’ve ever heard about. Keep going my brother! In Him. Bob.
Thank you so much, Bob!
it’s more of a chicken/egg situation in some churches
the congregants might not dare to speak up because it can already be a culture that whoever speaks up gets blamed and even attacked.
mainly it can be a trust issue. members don’t trust leaders to handle it objectively (supported by past history) that’s why they wouldn’t speak to them directly, or even kept silient and just left. it can also be that the leaders don’t trust the members. or both.
“People are saying…” is not only cringe worthy it is also not very biblical. If people are truly saying it but not saying it to the pastor than it is gossip. Matthew 18:15-17 reads “15 ‘If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. 16 But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax-collector.” I no other words there is a biblical mandate to talk to the person who offends you. If we only followed this it would certainly do away with those pesky three words.
My initial response is like yours – to dismiss the person saying it. But on reflection, perhaps a better response would be to ask the person directly, “What do You think?” It would either draw them out and help them own their opinion or help them see that this kind of passing along criticism is unhelpful. Either way, a dialog can begin.
Oh, just more of the throes to put up with when you’re in the pastorate and even in secular jobs. I question some of these people’s motives, and even their salvation because they have such divisive spirits and agendas.
When this happens to me, I always ask, “who said that”, “give me a name” and in most cases, it is the very person that is saying this to you. They don’t have enough intestinal fortitude to say that it’s me (not others) that have a problem with you. One example is when I posted something on Facebook about my church that I didn’t like, someone in the church printed it off and took it to the deacons and they asked me about it. I said yes, I did say that, who told you and printed that out? They would never give me a name. It was a classic case of some mindless, spindles, carnal coward that should’ve told me to my face what they thought about what I posted. I’ve seen this take place in secular jobs as well. Let me give you another example, I used to be a radio DJ and I said something on the air that someone in the listening audience found offensive. The bosses son said to me, “when you made that comment, someone didn’t like it.” I then asked, “who said it?” He said, “it was one of our loyal listeners.” I asked again, “who said it? If you tell me who it is, I will tell them directly to their face that I’m sorry for offending them.” It was more than likely the bosses son, the coward. That nipped it in the bud immediately. Other times, I’ve had bosses say to me that someone said you said this or that. My response was to sit down with the boss and the person(s) that were talking about me to deal with it head on. What were the results? They ran like little playground cowards. So, it’s the same thing in the church. If people have enough boldness to say “someone said this or that” to you, then they should be the ones that are bold enough to get confronted and tell you to your face!! Ok, think I’ve made my point. What do you think?
So let me ask the other side of this. I serves as Senior Warden in my congregation for three years. (our detonations name for the head of the Vestry, parish council or whatever your tradition calls it.) I would frequently hear people vent the same frustration to me over and over, but ask me to not use their name because they did not want to be seen as the whiner, particularly as this complaint touched on a matter that involved the actions of a minority ethnic group that rent space from us and criticism was frequently dismissed as racism. Should I then have kept the issue to my self sense no one wanted to be snubbed and labeled a racist?
I believe that part of the duty of lay leaders in the church is to speak the truth in love on behalf of those who feel their voices are not being hear. This is all the more true when there is a legitimate fear that approaching the clergy personally will lead to public condemnation and or reprisal.
I think the comments here bare out this fear. Scan back through and see how many agreeing responses want to talk directly so they can understnad the problem verses the number that want to know who it is to they can use ad hominem means to dismiss the complaint. Many companies and non-profits now employ ombudspersons to allow people to bring up issues without being subject to power dynamics. I believe that there needs to be a person in every congregation who can act in this role, address legitimate concerns without invoking negative power dynamics.
Very well written and accurate. I ran into one of these- not only a complainer, but a bully. He was a supervisory chaplain. He said, “Some are saying that you have a problem with _______” (A certain denomination). I flatly told him that unless they or he were willing to name names and the specific complaint, then it was just gossip and rumor. And THOSE were unbiblical- they should approach me according to Matthew 18. He was flustered and tried to insist, but I stood my ground. It was abuse pure and simple.
I hope yours is the proper response, because it’s very similar to mine.
One thing I do differently: If I get the “I love you, but…” types of responses where the complainer tries to paint him/herself as the hero for lettin me know, I leverage that in my response. For example: “Thanks for trying to help. I’ll tell you the best thing you can do to help, though. Next time you hear someone make a comment like that, suggest that they come talk to me directly. I can’t address their concerns if I don’t know who is making them.” That way, someone who is misguided in an honest attempt to help has a healthy action step to take, and a manipulator is stopped in his/her tracks.