The moment they hear it, they feel the “cringe factor” throughout their body. Even as the first few words are spoken, the recipient feels his or her emotions plummeting. It is the one sentence that is uniformly dreaded by pastors and church staff. It typically begins with these words:
“People are saying that . . . “
The full sentence could say; “People are saying that you don’t visit enough.” Another example is: “People are saying that our student ministry is not doing well.” Or one more example is: “People are saying that you don’t have good office hours.”
The sentence might specify a group while maintaining anonymity for the individuals: “Some elders are not happy with you” or “A lot of the staff are unhappy.”
You get the point. It could be phrased a number of ways, but the meaning is still similar. “People” is never defined. The true complainer is never identified. It is one of the most frustrating and demoralizing sentences pastors and staff will hear. Here are some reasons for the frustration:
- The complainer lacks the courage to speak for himself or herself. So he or she hides behind the deceitful veil of “people are saying.” Leaders in churches know that when complainers lack courage to speak for themselves, or when they have to hide behind anonymous complainers, they are trouble in the making.
- The leader has no recourse or action to take. These complainers never identify the source or sources. So the pastor or staff person cannot follow up and speak directly to the dissidents. He or she is left with a complaint that cannot be resolved due to anonymity.
- The leader immediately questions the motive of the complainer. The moment the ministry leader hears those words, “People are saying . . . “, he or she doubts the credibility and the heart of the complainer. The approach is cowardly; it thus is always seen through the lens of doubt and frustration.
- This approach is a double frustration for the ministry leader. First, he or she has heard yet another criticism. Most ministry leaders have to deal with criticisms too often. Second, the ambiguity of the complaint and the source of the complaint can leave a leader wondering if the problem is really bigger than reality. He or she can waste a lot of emotional energy on something that really may not be such a big deal.
- Indirect criticisms can be the most painful criticisms. Most ministry leaders deal better with someone who is direct and precise in his or her concerns. But indirect criticisms such as “People are saying . . . “ or “I love you pastor, but . . . “ hurt more because cowardly actions and duplicitous behavior are added to the criticism itself.
As a leader in a local church and in other places, I got to the point where I did not entertain such veiled criticisms. I tried to be polite and say, “I am sorry, but I cannot listen to you further because you will not give me the specific sources of the concerns. If you are willing to name those people specifically or, even better, get them to speak to me directly, I will be happy to hear the concerns.”
Has my approached worked? Frankly, I don’t recall any of these critics being happy with my response. But I have had to learn that there are certain people in churches and other organizations who have the spiritual gift of complaining. And they will exercise that gift frequently and with vigor.
I have to move on to those who have positive and encouraging solutions. Life is too short to deal with cowardly complainers.
Let me know what you think about this issue.
Posted on December 17, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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343 Comments
I read the article and many of the comments and tend to agree with Thom on the subject. My response seeking to not dismiss a legitimate complaint is to simply address the person bringing the complaint asking if he or she agrees with what the “people” are saying, are you part of the people? If not then you simply cannot address the situation.
Thanks, Jim.
I have been a youth pastor for 6 months now, fresh out of Bible College and in Seminary and this is exactly what me and my wife needed to hear today. Glad to know the struggle is not isolated and get some perspective.
Bless you, Trent.
Unfortunately, Dr. Rainer, my husband, an associate pastor, has been hurt by these tactics from a senior pastor. He wasn’t alone.
I am an associate/youth pastor and when I read this article I immediately thought of my senior pastor. When the congregation brings concerns to me it is generally very healthy and person to person. However, the senior pastor has a policy which he announces to the church regularly that if for any reason somebody has a concern with me they absolutely under no circumstances come to me about it but instead come to him. He then addresses me by saying, “people are saying…” He says he does this to protect me but as Dr. Rainer has pointed out, it is much more difficult this way! The vast majority of the time if the person came to me one on one it is a very simple solution that could be worked out healthfully in a matter of minutes. But by doing things via the third party senior pastor things get much more complicated and usually the problem is left unresolved because there is nothing I can do about it without having a conversation with the complainer.
I agree consistency is in order. If the senior pastor doesn’t like people using this tactic with him, he shouldn’t use it with his staff.
The other sentence I cringe to hear is, “Someone ought to be…” or “We should…” Usually that is code for “You ought to…” But I agree, my skin crawls when I hear, “People are saying…” I immediately reply, “Who?”
I’ve developed a personal policy of not addressing anonymous complaints, criticisms or critiques. I believe that if someone does not feel strongly enough about an issue to identify themselves in their complaint then I cannot expend any of the limited resources I have (time, energy, personnel) to address it. There’s real work to be done and real concerns to be addressed. Is that sometimes less than pastoral? Yes. But anonymous complaining is less than mature and I don’t think it’s unrealistic to expect a little maturity from adults.
I agree Don I do not entertain such complaints but simply address the person bringing the complaint asking if they have the same complaint as the “people”
Spot on, Don!
“Big egos have little ears.”
— Robert Schuller
I’m always willing to listen to grievances from members if they have the integrity and the courage to confront to talk to me about them. However, as several people have already stated, it is simply impossible to deal with the grievances of an anonymous “somebody”, and it is unfair to expect your pastor to do so. If your complaint is not important enough for you to own, then it’s not important enough for your pastor to bother himself with it. It really is that simple.
Ken, for you it might be that simple. You may be a great guy, and a frontfunner for pastor of the year, but this is not adressing you sepcifically, but leadership in the body in general.
Take a few steps back, and see that others here may be adressing real concerns. They aren’t attacking you and your ministry, they are in some cases exhibiting the symptoms of people that may be housed in an environment that gives people good reasons to log anonymous complaints.
I really do recommend the blog post I linked to elsewhere. You may be leading an open community where criticism is welcomed in order to work toward a better ministry, but many people do not reside in that place, and are dealing with different issues.
If you have to log an anonymous complaint out of fear, then I would consider leaving. If you are a kid reading this who can’t leave, just leave when you can and find some place else to go. Remember that you still belong to G-d and just do what you can like loving your neighbor as yourself and loving G-d.
That is always an option, if not a very pleasant one.
If you have a leader that is worthy of your fearful complaint, and you leave, it is not unheard of for it to be communicated to the rest of the body to disassociate with you. This isn’t just some thing that happens in some back woods fundamentalist church, I’ve read about it happening in high profile congregations just within the last year.
In that case you aren’t just choosing a new place to worship on Sunday, you may be giving up a big chunk of your Christian community.
I’m not the type to address anything anonymously, but also don’t want to dismiss it as an option if it were really needed. Through a series of circumstances I have become somewhat plugged into some online communities that deal with issues of spiritual abuse, so I may be more sensitive than the average person when it comes making sure that people have a voice, or leadership is held to account.
If your complaint is not worthy of having your name attached to it, then it is not worthy of my attention. Period.
This sort of behavior is so junior high, and is done for junior high reasons, as have been noted–immaturity, lack of confidence, power play, etc. By the same token, church leadership can inspire it. A relative’s church recently announced the departure of the senior pastor to another church across the country. After indicating that this move had been in the works for some months, and had been known to the board (but not to the stunned congregation), the board then said to the congregation, “This is YOUR church!” And of course at that point–after the decisions had been made–they wanted the church body to wish the departing pastor well and support the board in the decisions it had made without any congregational input. All that to say that sometimes congregants act like junior highers due to their own selfishness or immaturity, but sometimes they act like junior highers because their leadership is still in junior high. Unfortunately.
But heaven help you if you try to replace that junior high school leadership with some really competent people.
As a pastor I’ve had many occasions where a male in an elected position (elder, trustee, chairman, etc.) has pulled this “People are saying” line, and on most occasions it is one person, not a lot of “people”, and 9 times out of 10 that person is their wife!
The United Church of Canada requires each congregation to have team called Ministry Personnel, whose mandate is to be a support for all personnel – ministers, musicians, office staff. They also interpret to those staff issues of the congregation. Ministry Personnel Committee members are to be objective, and ideally have some HR background. If any member has an axe to grind with one of the staff, the church board or council can remove them from the committee – and therein lies the rub – most don’t want to do that. However, complaints have to be in writing and signed or they cannot be considered – and the person against whom the complaint is made is entitled to see the letters and know who is complaining. Most congregations are good at managing that, some not so much. In my last congregation, the chair of the committee when I arrived had been in HR with the government and was a strong support – if he heard things he would come to talk and we together worked out a way to deal with the issues informally. Then the committee changed, and got two co-chairs, who proceeded to stage an ambush at a meeting….among other things accusing me of insulting someone by not wearing my robe when I baptised the great-grandchild, and when I asked if that person had indicated insult, the answer was no. They just thought it was. I told them that wasn’t acceptable on their part, and explained that in fact the family wanted the service informal and asked me not to wear the robe. It was a good experience to deal with such nastiness – it hadn’t happened before in any of the previous congregations. During my exit interview, which I insisted upon, I named all the behaviour as bullying, and suggested the congregation needed to look more closely at such actions before calling another minister. I didn’t take any of it personally – it was clear that what was done wsas rooted in the personal issues of the bullies. Nor did I brand the whole congregation – because most of them expressed support and dismay to me directly. Unfortunately I don’t think they expressed it to the offending parties, but in small towns where the congregation rarely changes, I understand how hard that is.
I always thought the sentence was “I’m not being fed.”
That one too.
This sort of criticism used to happen often in our church until we sat down as leaders and made a rule that critique had to be made in person (one-on-one) or with the presence of an elder if the congregation member felt like they needed them there. Since then, almost all of it has dried up, at least 90%.
Wow!