The moment they hear it, they feel the “cringe factor” throughout their body. Even as the first few words are spoken, the recipient feels his or her emotions plummeting. It is the one sentence that is uniformly dreaded by pastors and church staff. It typically begins with these words:
“People are saying that . . . “
The full sentence could say; “People are saying that you don’t visit enough.” Another example is: “People are saying that our student ministry is not doing well.” Or one more example is: “People are saying that you don’t have good office hours.”
The sentence might specify a group while maintaining anonymity for the individuals: “Some elders are not happy with you” or “A lot of the staff are unhappy.”
You get the point. It could be phrased a number of ways, but the meaning is still similar. “People” is never defined. The true complainer is never identified. It is one of the most frustrating and demoralizing sentences pastors and staff will hear. Here are some reasons for the frustration:
- The complainer lacks the courage to speak for himself or herself. So he or she hides behind the deceitful veil of “people are saying.” Leaders in churches know that when complainers lack courage to speak for themselves, or when they have to hide behind anonymous complainers, they are trouble in the making.
- The leader has no recourse or action to take. These complainers never identify the source or sources. So the pastor or staff person cannot follow up and speak directly to the dissidents. He or she is left with a complaint that cannot be resolved due to anonymity.
- The leader immediately questions the motive of the complainer. The moment the ministry leader hears those words, “People are saying . . . “, he or she doubts the credibility and the heart of the complainer. The approach is cowardly; it thus is always seen through the lens of doubt and frustration.
- This approach is a double frustration for the ministry leader. First, he or she has heard yet another criticism. Most ministry leaders have to deal with criticisms too often. Second, the ambiguity of the complaint and the source of the complaint can leave a leader wondering if the problem is really bigger than reality. He or she can waste a lot of emotional energy on something that really may not be such a big deal.
- Indirect criticisms can be the most painful criticisms. Most ministry leaders deal better with someone who is direct and precise in his or her concerns. But indirect criticisms such as “People are saying . . . “ or “I love you pastor, but . . . “ hurt more because cowardly actions and duplicitous behavior are added to the criticism itself.
As a leader in a local church and in other places, I got to the point where I did not entertain such veiled criticisms. I tried to be polite and say, “I am sorry, but I cannot listen to you further because you will not give me the specific sources of the concerns. If you are willing to name those people specifically or, even better, get them to speak to me directly, I will be happy to hear the concerns.”
Has my approached worked? Frankly, I don’t recall any of these critics being happy with my response. But I have had to learn that there are certain people in churches and other organizations who have the spiritual gift of complaining. And they will exercise that gift frequently and with vigor.
I have to move on to those who have positive and encouraging solutions. Life is too short to deal with cowardly complainers.
Let me know what you think about this issue.
Posted on December 17, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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343 Comments
Anonymous complaints are a form of triangulation and just not healthy. Lay leaders need to be trained in how to respond to attempts to triangulate–most people don’t recognize it, nor do they know what to do. If it happening often, it may well be a sign of deeper congregational problems, including the possibility that the minister really isn’t safe to approach with concerns. However, if it is just a sometimes thing, decent training of lay leaders will help.
Unless they can tell me who the complainer is, I don’t entertain the complaint and write it off as irrelevant. My church folks know I won’t entertain complaints without a source. And when I do know the source, I go directly to them and we talk about it. This has cut way down on gossip and complaining because people know I won’t be moved by rumors. And people also know I will address the person from whom the complaint or gossip originated. It nips it in the bud fairly well.
I do this for people in the community who dislike me for whatever reason. If someone in the community gossips about me to a parishioner and that parishioner tells me, I go directly to the source of the gossip and let them know that I know (unless it’s so trivial it doesn’t deserve any attention at all, and most of the time it is). This has created a loyalty from my members and lets me know who has my back and who doesn’t. It cuts down on people approaching my parishioners with gossip about my family because they know they’ll tell us and I’ll confront it.
I never confront anyone based on second-hand information. And I won’t listen to it, either. Does it bother me? I’m only human. It does bother me and it can be hurtful. But to give it a greater credence is to give it power and I refuse to do it.
Karla, this works for you precisely because you are a woman. People ARE willing to talk to you openly and even give you harsh advice. Perhaps the cure for the problem is fewer men and more women in the clergy.
IT’s unbiblical to complain to someone else. Matthew tells us that we need to go to that person and tell them our problems. Deacons or others that bring veiled complaints like this are enabling sin and leading in a non biblical way.
Here is a church MEMBER’S view:
When you approach a pastor and are CONSTANTLY told he’s “too busy” and then he sequesters himself off behind a locked door the congregation cannot access in constant meetings with his staff, but nobody can get access to him otherwise, it wears out a person who wants to discuss a LEGIT complaint. I wrote the pastor’s BOSS finally who forwarded my email onto him, and then I answered BOTH of them in an email, only to be told he wanted to write me a PHYSICAL letter and wanted my mailing address—no doubt so he could BLAST me without his boss knowing what he had to say. I said NO and declined to give it to him. Besides, one of the assistant pastors already KNEW my address as she’d given me a ride home once. I will NOT set myself up for pastoral abuse just because a senior pastor CANNOT deal with what he’s doing to bring dishonor to God at church! He is QUICK to pass judgment on people he barely knows, then does EXACTLY WHAT he accuses them of when they aren’t doing it—-that’s a problem too. I RUN from such churches—-as fast as I can!
And a church that has THEATER seats over pews and NEVER has the family worship together—-always has the kids off in children’s programs rather than teaching them how to worship church? That is “divide and conquer” of the family—-NOT of God. When a church is “all for show” like that and the pastor is the MC who is otherwise inaccessible, there’s a problem. A BIG problem!
We deal with specifics and not generalities. I ask specifically who said what so we can talk to that person or persons. Resolving conflict Biblically is key! 😀
I have seen this from both sides and have learned the hard way that unless someone is willing to put their name to the complaint, there are bigger issues at play.
About a dozen years ago I was on the board of a church and was seen as a sympathetic ear for many people. The church was in a state of transition and due to a lot of reasons, there wasn’t a lot of direction coming forth from the top. I and a few others were pushing for a church survey that would ask questions of people and try and find out what everyone was thinking, and I was also making the mistake of taking concerns before the Board as “I have been told that…” or “I am hearing that…”. But no names were mentioned as the people asked me to keep it anonymous because of what at the time seemed like wonderful reasons. “I don’t want to hurt the Pastor’s feelings.”… “I am afraid of backlash from so and so.”… “I just don’t feel like I have the right to speak out. Could you help me?”… and so on.
Well, we finally got the pastor to agree on an anonymous climate survey, and I anxiously awaited the answers as it would vindicate me and what I was saying. Or so I thought. Imagine my shock when none of the surveys mentioned anything that had been brought to me in private. I became seen as a complainer simply because nothing backed up what I had been saying for six months. I confronted the individuals and received the same old excuses.
Out of respect I resigned the position as I was now part of the problem. I learned the hard way that unless someone is willing to put their name to a complaint, it doesn’t hold much weight.
Jim, that sounds like a really rough situation to be put into, sorry you had to go through that.
Sounds like there were some pretty unhealthy things happening on both sides of the aisle there. As much as those raising the concerns left you hanging out to dry, I would wonder about what was going on that had people feeling like they didn’t have the right to speak out, or were even fearing retribution.
The comment is usually more about the speaker than the one it is being spoken to.
I don’t deal with anything that doesn’t come with a name.
I can not fight an un named spirit!
Pastors and staff are not the only folks who are likely to hear this sentence and similar remarks from people in the congregation. I have heard such remarks in committee meetings and the like. Typically the “people” to whom the individual is referring is himself or herself. It often is a form of manipulation. By claiming that the opinion he or she is expressing is held by a larger group than one, the individual making the remark hopes to influence the outcome of the meeting. For example, “people are saying that they don’t like the new music. Translation: “I don’t like the new music.” Individuals who make such remarks often see themselves as the underdog. They do not believe that they can influence others by straightforwardly voicing their opinions. Therefore they resort to this subterfuge and other forms of manipulation. It is their habitual way of relating to people and has nothing to do with how approachable you are.
“People are saying”= “This is what I think, and want to make my case seem stronger, but don’t want to accept responsibility for my opinion. ”
Often addressed to the wrong person, such as the pastor’s wife, who is not in a position to do anything.
In my experience when someone says “People are saying that…” the one who is speaking is the “people” they just don’t have the guts to tell you.
Thanks again, Dr. Rainer for such a great article. Enjoyed reading the comments. God bless you
God bless you too, Dimas
My rule: no name attached, no credibility assigned. This applies to all forms of communication.
Received an anonymous feedback card with four complaints this past Sunday: the first mentioned a small oversight I had already realized. (one that no one else had so not noticed that folks got a chuckle over my noticing it…) Still, the complaint confirmed the plans I had already made to address it. Two more identified growing points in our church culture we’ve been working on. No news there.
The final one said: “the pastor is ‘unfriendly.” Hmm…
I did wake under the weather with a sore throat on Sunday, a condition that historically leads to laryngitis. So, I saved my voice as best I could, let folks in on it appropriately, and with the congregation at the start of the service. I also asked for their prayers of healing during worship. And for a couple of reasons, last Sunday morning put me in a real rush before worship, so yeah, I probably didn’t appear to be my friendliest self at times. I’ll feel better and back to a more friendly self this Sunday.
All told my anonymous complainer affirmed for healing responses already in the works.
Too bad I can’t tell them that.