The moment they hear it, they feel the “cringe factor” throughout their body. Even as the first few words are spoken, the recipient feels his or her emotions plummeting. It is the one sentence that is uniformly dreaded by pastors and church staff. It typically begins with these words:
“People are saying that . . . “
The full sentence could say; “People are saying that you don’t visit enough.” Another example is: “People are saying that our student ministry is not doing well.” Or one more example is: “People are saying that you don’t have good office hours.”
The sentence might specify a group while maintaining anonymity for the individuals: “Some elders are not happy with you” or “A lot of the staff are unhappy.”
You get the point. It could be phrased a number of ways, but the meaning is still similar. “People” is never defined. The true complainer is never identified. It is one of the most frustrating and demoralizing sentences pastors and staff will hear. Here are some reasons for the frustration:
- The complainer lacks the courage to speak for himself or herself. So he or she hides behind the deceitful veil of “people are saying.” Leaders in churches know that when complainers lack courage to speak for themselves, or when they have to hide behind anonymous complainers, they are trouble in the making.
- The leader has no recourse or action to take. These complainers never identify the source or sources. So the pastor or staff person cannot follow up and speak directly to the dissidents. He or she is left with a complaint that cannot be resolved due to anonymity.
- The leader immediately questions the motive of the complainer. The moment the ministry leader hears those words, “People are saying . . . “, he or she doubts the credibility and the heart of the complainer. The approach is cowardly; it thus is always seen through the lens of doubt and frustration.
- This approach is a double frustration for the ministry leader. First, he or she has heard yet another criticism. Most ministry leaders have to deal with criticisms too often. Second, the ambiguity of the complaint and the source of the complaint can leave a leader wondering if the problem is really bigger than reality. He or she can waste a lot of emotional energy on something that really may not be such a big deal.
- Indirect criticisms can be the most painful criticisms. Most ministry leaders deal better with someone who is direct and precise in his or her concerns. But indirect criticisms such as “People are saying . . . “ or “I love you pastor, but . . . “ hurt more because cowardly actions and duplicitous behavior are added to the criticism itself.
As a leader in a local church and in other places, I got to the point where I did not entertain such veiled criticisms. I tried to be polite and say, “I am sorry, but I cannot listen to you further because you will not give me the specific sources of the concerns. If you are willing to name those people specifically or, even better, get them to speak to me directly, I will be happy to hear the concerns.”
Has my approached worked? Frankly, I don’t recall any of these critics being happy with my response. But I have had to learn that there are certain people in churches and other organizations who have the spiritual gift of complaining. And they will exercise that gift frequently and with vigor.
I have to move on to those who have positive and encouraging solutions. Life is too short to deal with cowardly complainers.
Let me know what you think about this issue.
Posted on December 17, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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343 Comments
Churches often have a culture which supports triangulation. Church leaders are frequently approached by members about various concerns and wrongly believe it is their job to bring that concern to thr pastor. While well intentioned it is antithetical to Scripture and promotes an atmosphere in which unhealthy triangles exist. Your response is one which puts a stop to unhealthy triangulation while at the same time encouraging open, healthy dialogue.
I would never ask “Who?” I would answer, “But what do you say?” I would always deal with the individual.
That’s good.
Thom, how do you prevent yourself from letting these types of comments get to you?
Is there something specific you do to move on from them?
Colin –
I wish I could say I am impervious to such comments. I am not. I can say that my older age (59) has given me perspective. I can see in hindsight that almost every one of those “hidden” complaints had little merit and little negative impact. That perspective helps me realize that the next “people are saying” comment can be taken much less seriously.
When confronted with, “people are saying,” I ask, “Who?” Then if the informant won’t tell me for whatever reason, I tell the informant, that I am under no obligation to act on, or worry about, anonymous complaints. Usually the person will tell me, or go away.
Great article – mostly agree. Could leave room for some dialogue and feedback regardless of the source or lack of.
Thom,
The other problem with “people are saying….” is that often what happens is this odd dynamic:
1) Mr Strong Opinion Man vents a complaint to a group of people like a small group
2) Good, well meaning small group members don’t know how to respond to the venting and say nothing or little.
3) Mr Strong Opinion Man also happens to be “obtuse social encounter guy” and, having vented to folks, has determined that they whole heartedly agree with him, when in fact, they simply don’t know how to respond to him.
4) Mr Strong Opinion Man then comes to you with “people are saying….” when, more accurately, he is “saying” and people are “listening and not sure how to respond to him.”
I say this, because even if he gives you names, those poor folks may not be complicit at all, but rather unsure how to navigate a wind bag.
yes. its possible I speak from experience 🙂
Why facilitate the complaints of cowards and the insecure…God Himself had no time for them but handed them over to the angel of death…New Living Translation…
And don’t grumble as some of them did, and then were destroyed by the angel of death.
Kingdom Business is serious and time consuming, no time for games…AMEN
…and this comment above is why people do not want to come to a church staff to voice a concern (or complaint as labeled here).
I’ve circumvented this by saying, “I’m sorry your wife is upset. Next time tell her I’d be glad for her to come and talk to me about it herself.” (That usually leads to a lot of fumbling, including comments like, “Well there’s others besides just her.”) That or I’d just say, “If they don’t have the courage to come to me themselves then I’m not interested in hearing about it.” I think it is essential to make your church leaders promise that they will NEVER, EVER tell you “We’ve heard people saying…” and then refuse to give names under the guise of confidentiality. That is not confidentiality, that is fully and openly participating in gossip.
I recently stepped out of the ministry mainly because I felt God moving me into another direction, but I have to admit anonymous complaints were the hardest for me to handle. I questioned if I had made it easy or difficult for someone to come to me, but I have always treated people with respect and given them the benefit of the doubt. My last church I was told after 8 years of service that I had to leave because a group of people in the church did not like something I was doing, but there was no real reason given. They even asked the personnel committee to take back the old minister who was caught in several acts of adultery because of his charisma. After I agreed with the committee to leave I was given the names annonimously of those who had a problem with me and they were those who acted towards me as though I could do no wrong. It was disheartening.
Now I am on the personnel committee in the church where I serve and when someone comes to me with a complaint that they do not want the minister to know the originator of the complaints name I tell them it is not a biblical way of handling issues with brothers and sisters in Christ and that if they desire for action to be taken they must meet with the committee along with the minister and we will discuss the issues together. There are fewer complaints and many times the complainer finds out they are wrong on the issue.
Right on the money! I have for the last number of years employed a direct approach policy. People pleasers and complainers do not enjoy my polite but direct approach. The “open” business meeting has become the sounding board for veiled complaints when it should be used for vision and spirit led leadership. Praying for fellow leaders who are downcast because of the “some”
Me too, Stephen. Thank you.
We live in a day and age when most Americans want to be waited on. We complain loudly when we go to a restaurant and the waitress is overloaded and doesn’t give us the personal attention we want. This attitude has rubbed off on church-goers. We want to go to service, be entertained by the choir and hear a sermon that is not too much this or not enough of that. We never want to feel bad about ourselves when we leave and we expect the pastor to keep regular office hours, visit those in the hospital, the nursing home and every member of the church in their homes at least once every three months without fail. He must be on call 24/7/365, and if he is out of town for Christmas, a vacation or any other reason and gets an emergency call from a church member who sprained their ankle, he is expected to abandon his family and come home immediately, no matter the cost to him.
A pastor must be a miracle worker, a case worker, an educated and polished preacher / speaker, have a doctorate that he paid for and will be paying for most of his life. He is expected to live on a pauper’s salary, yet his car must not be an embarrassment to the church when he leads a funeral procession. A pastor’s family are expected to be perfect and be the role model for the rest of the kids and wives in the church. His wife must play the piano, sing, take up the Sunday School offering, record the Sunday School minutes, lead the women’s missionary society, teach a Sunday School class, lead the youth group on Sunday Afternoon and be the chief cook for all social events at the church since the other wives work or are busy with the kids.
A pastor must be knowledgeable of all current events, although he must not have Internet because it is a dangerous place and he might be tempted to sin. Sermons must not be too short, and definitely we must be out by 11:55 so that we can beat the Methodists to the steak house for Sunday Lunch.
After achieving those goals for months, he hears that dreaded line, “People are saying that….”
Is it any wonder that people are leaving the ministry in droves? We really need to be more in tune with our pastor and learn to appreciate him, to lift his arms when he is exhausted, to volunteer to help with all that visitation and do it “in the name of Jesus and my pastor…” We should learn to be kind to the man who leads our Congregation in our walk with Christ. We should learn to volunteer!!! Most of all, we must learn to stop gossip and to learn to be encouragers.
Just my 2-cents worth.
Very well said, Ed.