The moment they hear it, they feel the “cringe factor” throughout their body. Even as the first few words are spoken, the recipient feels his or her emotions plummeting. It is the one sentence that is uniformly dreaded by pastors and church staff. It typically begins with these words:
“People are saying that . . . “
The full sentence could say; “People are saying that you don’t visit enough.” Another example is: “People are saying that our student ministry is not doing well.” Or one more example is: “People are saying that you don’t have good office hours.”
The sentence might specify a group while maintaining anonymity for the individuals: “Some elders are not happy with you” or “A lot of the staff are unhappy.”
You get the point. It could be phrased a number of ways, but the meaning is still similar. “People” is never defined. The true complainer is never identified. It is one of the most frustrating and demoralizing sentences pastors and staff will hear. Here are some reasons for the frustration:
- The complainer lacks the courage to speak for himself or herself. So he or she hides behind the deceitful veil of “people are saying.” Leaders in churches know that when complainers lack courage to speak for themselves, or when they have to hide behind anonymous complainers, they are trouble in the making.
- The leader has no recourse or action to take. These complainers never identify the source or sources. So the pastor or staff person cannot follow up and speak directly to the dissidents. He or she is left with a complaint that cannot be resolved due to anonymity.
- The leader immediately questions the motive of the complainer. The moment the ministry leader hears those words, “People are saying . . . “, he or she doubts the credibility and the heart of the complainer. The approach is cowardly; it thus is always seen through the lens of doubt and frustration.
- This approach is a double frustration for the ministry leader. First, he or she has heard yet another criticism. Most ministry leaders have to deal with criticisms too often. Second, the ambiguity of the complaint and the source of the complaint can leave a leader wondering if the problem is really bigger than reality. He or she can waste a lot of emotional energy on something that really may not be such a big deal.
- Indirect criticisms can be the most painful criticisms. Most ministry leaders deal better with someone who is direct and precise in his or her concerns. But indirect criticisms such as “People are saying . . . “ or “I love you pastor, but . . . “ hurt more because cowardly actions and duplicitous behavior are added to the criticism itself.
As a leader in a local church and in other places, I got to the point where I did not entertain such veiled criticisms. I tried to be polite and say, “I am sorry, but I cannot listen to you further because you will not give me the specific sources of the concerns. If you are willing to name those people specifically or, even better, get them to speak to me directly, I will be happy to hear the concerns.”
Has my approached worked? Frankly, I don’t recall any of these critics being happy with my response. But I have had to learn that there are certain people in churches and other organizations who have the spiritual gift of complaining. And they will exercise that gift frequently and with vigor.
I have to move on to those who have positive and encouraging solutions. Life is too short to deal with cowardly complainers.
Let me know what you think about this issue.
Posted on December 17, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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343 Comments
While your response wasn’t wrong in my opinion, sometimes we as leaders need to be more willing to hear opposition to our methods and ideals. I find on our staff that complaints are often overlooked (based on who made the complaint) or we simply get too defensive (because we ‘know’ OUR WAY is right). Accountability is important and leaders need to be held accountable to someone for sure.
If we are unapproachable or if we SEEM unapproachable to people who want to bring constructive criticism, we have to realize two things: 1. The complainer has good intentions and IS looking out for what they feel is best for the ministry & 2. The enemy is going to try and use either their complaint or our defensive nature to place a wedge between us and our people.
Yes, I do agree, ministers get a lot of due & undue criticism. However…is it any different for our laypeople who work in secular jobs? Rather, criticism of their performances at home, at work, at school, and amongst their friends/family is probably much greater. If we hide or cower from criticism, we will not become stronger leaders, but rather sheltered leaders.
How many (constructive) criticisms in your life have led to personal and/or professional growth? How much growth are we missing out on by being unwilling to hear concerns and criticisms, whether right or wrong?
Is it so bad to simply be aware of perceptions? I am not saying that we as leaders need to change or bow to every criticism that comes our way. Some criticizers need to be flat-out put in their place. However…we as ministers are not above needing to be put in our place every one in a while either. If we think we are, then…well, we may very well be the thing that’s in the way of God doing what HE wants to do in and through that ministry!
How do you know your pastor is “approachable” unless you actually APPROACH him? You tell him “people are saying” such-and-such, but he has no way of knowing how the people are or how many there are. He doesn’t even know how true the complaints are (secondhand information gets blown out of proportion very quickly). Such tactics are nothing but manipulation.
Sadly I see a rush to defend a position rather than listen. Pastor’s who “puff-up” rather than first look inward are not humbling themselves, which as a servant of God we are all called to be.
There’s no “puffing up” to it. I really don’t see what’s so difficult about this. If you have an issue with your pastor, is it too much to ask that you admit it instead of using the “somebody said” cloak?
I heard once that “criticism is not a Gift of the Spirit!” How true.
I have told my laymen that the clergy is not there for them to critique…in fact, St. Paul to St. Timothy wrote “not to rebuke an elder (presbyteron) but to entreat him as a father.” He also wrote that the elders who rule well are worthy of double honor. Some don’t like my position. Most are good with it.
The “modern” Church has forgotten what the Word says about this, especially in congregational-style leadership. However, don’t think that this destructive dynamic doesn’t try to assert itself in episcopal-style leadership, as well. It’s a fav tactic of our Adversary to hamstring and discourage Godly leadership.
But the Word speaks volumes. Our God is the Source of Authority. And He places His mantle on those who lead in His Name, when they lead from a heart submitted to His. This doesn’t, by any means, make us perfect. But it does place us in charge.
And someone has to be in charge.
They may suggest, or ask…but they need to do so in private settings, and with sound, contextual Scriptural reasons to do so…not just their feelings, whims or preferences. And then, after they’ve spent time in prayer and discernment, writing down what they feel the Holy Ghost has shown them…and confirmed that in the Word and again had the Word they have received confirmed in the circumstances of life around them. After all, we walk by Faith, not by sight. And Faith proceeds from hearing, and that from the Word of God, unlocked by a personal and powerful Holy Ghost.
So, ultimately, we can all hear God together, but we have to deny ourselves, take up our crosses and follow Jesus, Who did things deliberately, in the power of the Spirit, and according to the Father’s Will, not His own preferences. This applies to how we should do biz in God’s One Church today.
Here’s the bottom line: criticism doesn’t help–teamwork, mutual love/respect and prayerful, Holy Ghost, Scriptural actions do. Let’s not empower any “Alexander the Coppersmith” among us. When they start…walk away. Take the wood out of the criticism fire and let it go out. Without an audience, it gains no traction.
May God unite His Church Militant!
I have learned that sometimes when this dynamic unfolds it is because despite my best intentions people in our flock don’t feel safe with me; or, at least, with the environment in which they find themselves. My first question now is always of myself. Is there something I am doing that keeps people from feeling the freedom to approach me directly? Honestly, most of the time the answer is a firm, “No.” But there may be times when the answer is a clear, “Yes.” I have to ask. It matters that much. [See more . . . . .
http://www.pastormatthew.net/thom-rainer-on-the-sentence-pastors-hate/
My experiance has been when I tried to talk to church leaders about real issues they don’t want to talk about it or they tell me it ismy imageination. Not saying I would condon the above situations but some avoid conflict due to fear of being a trouble maker etc… Rumers are also a big problem on both sides.
Or how about this: The elders were ‘too harsh’. Yuck. This is used when the elders are right, but, to equal the scales of blame, they must be found to be wrong too– soooo—- “too harsh’ is the accusation of choice to balance the scales.
I grew up seeing that old people could do nothing wrong and being told that the young were incapable of doing right.
Today we seem to be going to the opposite extreme.
“The leader has no recourse or action to take. These complainers never identify the source or sources. So the pastor or staff person cannot follow up and speak directly to the dissidents. He or she is left with a complaint that cannot be resolved due to anonymity.”
I disagree with this one part of the article. There is action you can take and I’ve done it a few times over the past twenty years. What is this action? The messenger of this type of comment is the one that will bear the consequences of the comment if they do not reveal the source.
I have told those who would not give up the source that they would now be considered as the source and that they would be called out to give an account of what is being said.
If someone comes to me with something like this and they will not identify the source, then they are as guilty as if they are the source.
I have found that when the relayers of the news are held accountable for the news, the originators of the news starts to run out of people willing to listen or get involved with them.
Mr. Rainer,
I know you were not writing this specifically for me, but you have hit the nail squarely on the head in regards to the veiled complaints and my personal disdain for these types of criticisms. On numerous occasions, I have stated the importance of communication within a church. One of my primary statements has been, “If I hurt your feelings, offend you, or do something that creates discomfort, come to me and let’s talk about it. You may have misunderstood what I meant. Or, I may not know that I have said or done anything wrong.” Yet, there are still people who cloak their criticisms in a “People are saying that . . .” or “Someone has a problem with…” A couple of my mentors offered me the same advice that you are offering in this wonderful article: “I am sorry, but I cannot listen to you further because you will not give me the specific sources of the concerns. If you are willing to name those people specifically or, even better, get them to speak to me directly, I will be happy to hear the concerns.” This has helped me tremendously, and I have learned that there “are certain people in churches and other organizations who have the spiritual gift of complaining. And they will exercise that gift frequently and with vigor. I have to move on to those who have positive and encouraging solutions. Life is too short to deal with cowardly complainers.” Thank you for posting this great article. I only wish that I had received this prior to entering into pastoral ministry. It would have saved me a lot of stress and headaches.
Sadly it doesn’t always come from church congregants. I worked part time at a church as an Elementary Director. Heard that phrase all the time from the Children’s Ministry Director. Usually “people” meant 1 or 2 people who she manipulated into agreeing with her. For a while I always felt like I couldn’t do enough. Was always unsure of who these unhappy “people” were. I recently started working at another church where this type of criticism isn’t accepted. It took me a few months to learn how unhealthy my past situation had been. Anonymity isn’t healthy in the church or in the lives of Christians. God wants us to be honest with one another, but in an open, honest and uplifting way.
I find it amazing that so many people are defending the anonymous complainers. I suspect that many of them may be anonymous complainers themselves.
First of all, anonymous complaints are almost always petty, ambiguous, or a personal attack. As a pastor, I have yet to hear of a serious issue from anonymous sources.
Second, people do not complain anonymously because they are afraid of the pastor, they do so because they don’t want to have an adult conversation about it. They want to air their grievances without the inconvenience of hearing the other side.
Third, the one saying, “People are saying…” is often the anonymous complainer.
I’m trying to discern how to interpret the irony of this comment. It begins with the article’s own cringeworthy sentence: “so many people are” defending the anonymous complainers.
Is this inadvertent irony that has simply fallen into its own trap, so that I should immediately follow the article’s advice and ignore the rest of the post as unworthy of consideration?
Is this clever irony? Since I looked through all the prior posts and couldn’t find any that defended anonymous complainers, I wonder if the comment is intending subtly to illustrate the article’s implied point that complaints that begin with “many people say” typically carry no substance?
Is this extra clever irony? Since the comment does seem to go on and make some valid points worth taking into consideration, might the comment be subtly disagreeing with the article by noting that just because it began with the cringeworthy sentence it ought to occasion some self-examination on the part of those it complains about anyway?
In any case the nature of the comment provides a valuable illustration of how much more pastoral complexity underlies these “many people are saying” complaints that come our way than a simple, legalistic policy of never paying attention to them allows.
There’s no legalism to it. All we’re asking is that people take ownership of their concerns and complaints. Is that really asking too much?
Pastors ought not use that phrase with their congregation either. We had a pastor who approached us (and other laypeople in leadership) that way. Whenever HE didn’t like something, he would say “people are saying” or “people don’t like it that.” So this is definitely a two-way street. It’s just a passive-aggressive person’s way of not owning their own junk. Sometimes that passive-aggressive person is a member of the congregation, but sometimes that passive-aggressive person is the pastor. We need to speak the truth in love. . . and that doesn’t mean taking the truth and making it third-person!
Fair enough. If a pastor insists on members owning their complaints and concerns, he should set the example by doing no less.