Perhaps the image many of us have of church dropouts is a person who was only marginally involved at the onset. He or she did not connect with people and ministries in the church, so that person became a dropout – a person who stopped attending church altogether.
But there are a number of persons who have been active in church life for years. They have had key leadership positions. They are considered some of the most faithful members. And then they are gone. Sometimes it’s sudden; on a few occasions it is more gradual.
During my 25 plus years of church consultations, I have interviewed a number of these active-to-inactive persons. Most of them shared freely and openly with me what took place in their lives, and how it impacted their ultimate decision to stop attending church.
Though there are certainly far more reasons, I am listing the top seven reasons I heard from these formerly active members. For now, I will not make qualitative or analytical comments about their decisions. These top seven reasons are listed in order by the frequency I heard them.
- Moral failure. The most common scenario is a sexual affair. The member who was once revered becomes intensely embarrassed and ashamed, so much so that he or she cannot face the members and friends at church.
- Dropping out of a group. The church member stops his or her regular attendance in a small group or Sunday school class. It is almost inevitable that, without the accountability and fellowship a small group brings, that person is headed to be a complete church dropout.
- Burnout. The church member is asked to do many things because he or she tackles them with such passion and faithfulness. But some of these very active members don’t know how to say no. They burnout and leave church completely.
- Traumatic event. A painful loss or some similar pain can cause many church members to lean on fellow Christians even more. But some react in an opposite fashion and leave the fellowship.
- Dropping out of a ministry. The church member’s primary point of reference and connection with the church is a particular ministry. If he or she leaves that ministry (or in a few cases was asked to leave), it is not unusual for them to see no reason to continue with the church at all.
- Major interpersonal conflict. Marginal church members tend to drop out at the first hint of even minor interpersonal conflict. Very active members are more resilient, recognizing that no church members are perfect. But if the conflict becomes severe, some of the very active church members will leave as well.
- Gradual withdrawal. Most of the time a very active church member will drop out rather suddenly. But, on a few occasions, they just gradually withdraw from involvement in the church. These dropouts had trouble articulating to me why they left, or why they slowly withdrew from involvement. As one lady told me, “It’s like I woke up one morning, and I was no longer involved in the church.”
Church dropouts sadly are all too common. But some of these dropouts were once among the most faithful in the church.
How do you react to these seven reasons? What would you add?
photo credit: Great Beyond via photopin cc
Posted on January 27, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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104 Comments
I’d add divorce, but in my case the church left me. Branded with the scarlet D after many visits by Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar impersonators. The church haters at work swooped in an “ministered” to me though. Makes you wonder where the real love is.
Divorce is not the unforgiveable sin. In fact You could read Matthew 19 to mean God sometimes organises a divorce for people. I believe He did for me.
God does not expect us to put up with badly behaving spouses who have had more than their fair share of chances of changing. If we say God please improve my life and don’t put restrictions on how He does it then we might end up being divorced even if we try to not to let it happen.
If God organised it for us then what right does the church have to object? The advice I was given was love your enemies even those who are divorcing you. Tough but biblical.
Great article Thom! One thing not addressed is that sense of entitlement of long-standing members who feel they should be consulted on all – or at least most – decisions in a church…and then expect the pastor/staff to leave.
Thanks for all the great articles you share!
Thank you Steve. A related article I wrote is “The Number One Reason People Leave a Church.” Your explanation is on target.
Our pastor doesn’t really do that, per se. He just wants to, more or less, run the church “his way”, which has proven to be quite incompetent – judging by how many people have left the church since he became the pastor there. Try 75% of the church. Yet he continues his shenanigans anyway, untouched and without censure. The board? Well, it’s time they step up and put the man in his place because he is more led by himself than by God on varying issues. The proof is in his pudding – which is quite stale might I add.
Interpersonal Relations – Understandably, the failure to establish close relationships, the formation of new outside relationships (covered in #1), and a break in existing relationships (falling-away #2) might not be addressed by respondents. However, the “tie that binds” is interpersonal relationships. This is why the Bible says we should be devoted to the breaking of bread and praying. Intimate fellowship in Christ Jesus has become a thing of the past. Jesus said, “This do in remembrance of Me.”
An interesting one that I’ve observed that may fit under one of these categories…is the committed member who gained TONS of affirmation from the ministry. At some point when not asked to lead an area for another decade (tongue in cheek) the person feels as if he/she is not needed. This is, in my situation, a communication issue more than anything. It is not that a person is not needed, but that there is a need to disciple others and giving them a seat at the table either means changing personnel or buying a bigger table. Without some change…newer people don’t feel ownership. In short…for the faithful person, this doesn’t “feel” like growth and discipleship…but replacement and rejection. Sadly…the conversation rarely made it to a point of clarity.
Is this for people that no longer go to church but still consider themselves Christian or for people that have left the faith entirely?
I interviewed formerly highly active members who left a specific church. None of them indicated they had abandoned the Christian faith.
I had a very wise Pastor in Independence quote scripture, “Feed my sheep and they will not stray.:” Oh how this is true…number one under, “Other Reasons” is very close. We have not left meeting together in fellowship but have searched for a church that will feed us. Went to church this Sunday…SS teacher read lesson…Pastor talked about health and family. We study at home but need my Pastor to feed me.
I have heard that comment too often. Yes, Jesus told Peter to “feed my sheep” but at the end of Matthew, Jesus commands that we “go and make disciples.” When I ask what does feeding mean, tell me specfically, the answers are all over the board. I think the overall arching theme is for church members to put themselves in a position to serve. For it is in giving that we receive, in dying to self that we live. Constant feeding only leads to spiritual laziness. ‘Feeding’ that helps, instructs, shepherds and that ‘equips the saints for ministry,’ should be sufficient feeding.
Well, does getting fed pablum when you should be getting fed meat count as being fed? Seasoned men and women of God who only get fed pablum by a Pastor who only wants to cater to beginners is a serious problem. I have only been fed a rough 5% out of all the years I attended my particular church.
Continuous quick change in pastoral leadership. Pastor need to stick with the church.
People quit coming when they don’t get their way. This could range from sanctuary carpet color, not being elected as a SS teacher, or not being asked to lead a ministry. I’m sure you have a more eloquent way to put this into words.
People also leave because they are tired of waiting on change ( music style, etc).
The title of this article is “7 reasons very active church members
drop out”……I doubt that serious active members of a church
would leave a church for good because they don’t like the color
of the carpet or have not gotten their way about what position
they hold in the church. Maybe an immature christian, but not
one who is maturing in the things of the Lord. I left my church
reluctantly because it was getting more and more legalistic
and they were adding rules to daily living that the bible never
mentioned (for instance, it is a sin for a husband and wife to
have a seperate bank account, even if they are accountable to
each other and know each others passwords to online banking,
etc…); that’s just one example. Making man made rules that may
work for their family but not for someone else’s household.
I was constantly trying to reconcile what was spoken from the
pulpit with God’s word and often times could not make it
line up. I loved my church family and still love them, but today
I’m shunned when one of them sees me in a store or elsewhere.
I heard that it’s been insinuated that those that leave that
church are backsliders and need to be left alone. First of all,
if that were true whatever happened to working to restore
the backsliders back to fellowship? Of course, it’s not true;
sometimes its the sincere believers that are leaving churches
for reasons varied but often valid. Very little grace is taught in
many churches while nothing but grace in taught in others
leaving many to have an “anything goes” attitude. Neither is
biblical. Sometimes it feels like the church has become more
of a business than a house of worship. I want to know Jesus;
I don’t want to just know ABOUT Him. It seems church has
become more about who has the biggest church; who has
the most well off members; who has the most “spiritual songs”;
who has the most good looking members, etc….
and less about focusing on Jesus our Lord and Savior. I saw
more competition among local churches and more insecurity
in pastors and that’s not something I was told….I witnessed this
for myself way too many times!!
Sometimes the departure of a much-beloved pastor will lead to active church members becoming discouraged and dropping out.
I certainly can see that. Thanks Susan.
That scenario can be a type of grief response.
Oh yes. When our beloved pastor of 35 years retired, the church sank into a perfect storm, with hostile power struggles and very angry board meetings. About 1/2 of the membership left over the next 3 years, including my family, after 20 years there.
Differences over how to handle “hot-button” issues such as women in ministry, LGBTQ individuals, how much/little the church is engaged in social justice issues, etc. You can lose members from both sides of these issues.
Other reasons:
1. Continued drift in ministry style (e.g., away from exegetical, expositional preaching toward toxigetical preaching; away from content based to emotion based; away from discipleship oriented toward recreation oriented).
2. Negative trajectory in church government (e.g., toward CEO model with a market driven orientation and away from congregationalism with no recourse; unwillingness to discuss differing opinions; over reliance on outside advisers, such as the washouts at the state convention, who have a market driven bias)
3. Continued bad stewardship on the petty level. Obviously gross mismanagement is a problem, but after a while repeated bad decisions tend to grate on the people that are most enthused about church. Seeing the money wasted (or at least ill used) can cause people to leave.
A lot of times the problem is the person, as you have indicated above. But there are many times when the problem is church that is left. When the leadership takes control and steers the ship in a bad direction, that can eventually cause people to leave. In one sense, this falls under the category of interpersonal conflict, but in another sense this is not throwing your pearls before swine.
I have certainly seen no. 2 & 3. I also wonder if Thom’s study showed what happened to those who left, i. e. Did they go to another church, stop going all together, or if another church did they re-engage in active leadership, e. g. I am one of these.
Most of those I interviewed did not find another church; they left church life completely.
Have left before, your insights and comments are strongly analytical. Meaning no offense, my first thought was how I would hate to be a member of a church where folks talked like that i.e., exegetical, expositional, toxigetical…
That said, your – and many other commenter’s – reasons are right on. However, it highlights another problem in that believers (members) are shying away from pursuing biblical church discipline (Dr. Rainer has written about that as well) or worse, they believe that the purpose of church is to fill their lives with joy.
Don’t get me wrong, we should be fulfilled by our service in and for the church. But (and this is why the term ‘member’ bugs me), when church becomes more about us than God, that’s when you see people leaving – either for good, as Dr. Rainer highlights here – or to move to another, more comfortable, church.
I agree. Well said.
Thom,
None of these reasons mentioned conflict with the leadership (unless that would be classified under number 6). Was differences in ministry vision/philosophy ever mentioned? Is it possible number 7 represents a gradual passive/aggressive response to a member being dissatisfied with the pastor and or ministerial staff?
Thanks for all your insightful work.
Danny Gilliam
Thanks Danny. The reasons you note certainly explain general dropout rationale. The difference is those I interviewed were only the most active members.
Some years ago my now ex-husband’s behaviour became so bad I had to leave to protect them from him!
Currently I am trying to sell my house not to get away from the church but that will be a beneficial side effect. We have a deacon who places great stress on discipline and keeping the rules. Every time they see something that they think is a good idea it becomes another rule to be followed from then on.
It feels at times as though there is a rule for everything! The notice sheet is monitored carefully for the slightest of errors. They don’t use a computer so cannot prepare the notice sheet or add content to the website but they have to approve of every word that is used before anyone one else sees it. People come in stay a few years and then when they try and do something feel stifled and leave.
I know it is a personality flaw that God could help them deal with however, they cannot see that there is anything wrong. They do such a good job in other ways that no one else believes that they or anyone else could do as well.
To replace them will take someone else standing for election (which means they have to have at least a nominator and a seconder). Some have wanted to be candidates but not had a nominator and seconder so have not been able to stand. Others have just not wanted to be candidates.So they stay in that role despite the fact that they are long overdue replacement. They themselves say they are only doing it because no one else will.
Unless something changes that church will not have a very long life span.
All seven are the top reasons but I also agree with a change in church leadership and also possibly a shift in agreement with the social dilemmas faced in our time.
I think that there is too much blending of what is taught in the pulpit and in the literature and the current social issues and political perspectives. The political perspectives are too prevalent at the expense of teaching the Word to help folks in their daily lives.
And there is this, lives shift and change- there may be children or aging parents that have a once very active church member busy with being a caregiver.
Conflict with leadership is very real, but there are differences in church government leadership and pastoral leadership. Pastoral leadership can be bad, but if the governmental leadership refuses to acknowledge it, it is even worse. My church has lost about half of it’s members because of this. Most were committed, many from founding families.
I am a very active church member considering dropping out of a church. It’s a combination of burnout, frustration with micromanagement of my roles (e.g. you can lead worship but you can’t choose the songs), and differing mission philosophy/theology with the leadership. We did meet with the leadership to explain ourselves, but they mostly got defensive and we didn’t really feel heard. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.
I am in the position you are Marie. We have not dropped out, I am still working to fulfill my job as Worship Chair. However, it is very frustrating to do your job, while the newer pastor undoes some of the work. If you do not agree with her ideas, you are holding back progress. It is frustrating, and I am getting tired of the passive-aggressive ways.
The Reveal Study differed a lot from your insights. Can you compare them?
As a long time church consultant I see both sides.
Gary –
My group was a different sample group. The Reveal study did not limit the respondents to just the formerly very active members.
In my situation it seems that the younger people get all of the important positions. I am 70 years old, but still want to serve the Lord and community and have made it very clear to leadership. Yes, I get a few small jobs here and there, but none of the bigger more “important ” roles that I ask for. Perhaps because I have a health problem, but I have made it clear I can work through that. The elderly are sometimes not understood very well, and I feel this is the case in my church which is pastored by a young pastor, but still one that I am endeared to.