Perhaps the image many of us have of church dropouts is a person who was only marginally involved at the onset. He or she did not connect with people and ministries in the church, so that person became a dropout – a person who stopped attending church altogether.
But there are a number of persons who have been active in church life for years. They have had key leadership positions. They are considered some of the most faithful members. And then they are gone. Sometimes it’s sudden; on a few occasions it is more gradual.
During my 25 plus years of church consultations, I have interviewed a number of these active-to-inactive persons. Most of them shared freely and openly with me what took place in their lives, and how it impacted their ultimate decision to stop attending church.
Though there are certainly far more reasons, I am listing the top seven reasons I heard from these formerly active members. For now, I will not make qualitative or analytical comments about their decisions. These top seven reasons are listed in order by the frequency I heard them.
- Moral failure. The most common scenario is a sexual affair. The member who was once revered becomes intensely embarrassed and ashamed, so much so that he or she cannot face the members and friends at church.
- Dropping out of a group. The church member stops his or her regular attendance in a small group or Sunday school class. It is almost inevitable that, without the accountability and fellowship a small group brings, that person is headed to be a complete church dropout.
- Burnout. The church member is asked to do many things because he or she tackles them with such passion and faithfulness. But some of these very active members don’t know how to say no. They burnout and leave church completely.
- Traumatic event. A painful loss or some similar pain can cause many church members to lean on fellow Christians even more. But some react in an opposite fashion and leave the fellowship.
- Dropping out of a ministry. The church member’s primary point of reference and connection with the church is a particular ministry. If he or she leaves that ministry (or in a few cases was asked to leave), it is not unusual for them to see no reason to continue with the church at all.
- Major interpersonal conflict. Marginal church members tend to drop out at the first hint of even minor interpersonal conflict. Very active members are more resilient, recognizing that no church members are perfect. But if the conflict becomes severe, some of the very active church members will leave as well.
- Gradual withdrawal. Most of the time a very active church member will drop out rather suddenly. But, on a few occasions, they just gradually withdraw from involvement in the church. These dropouts had trouble articulating to me why they left, or why they slowly withdrew from involvement. As one lady told me, “It’s like I woke up one morning, and I was no longer involved in the church.”
Church dropouts sadly are all too common. But some of these dropouts were once among the most faithful in the church.
How do you react to these seven reasons? What would you add?
photo credit: Great Beyond via photopin cc
Posted on January 27, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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104 Comments
Another thing might be the underlying reasons people leave. Meaning, it could be the person has personal spiritual awakening that leads to some of the reasons listed above.
With the availability of books, conferences, podcasts and more, many become dissatisfied with their church, and often leave instead of trying to change it, or leave upon conflict while trying to change.
This was an interesting list that is making me dig a little deeper into my own journey. I am in the #7 category and I will tell you briefly, why. I was VERY involved at a medium sized church. But as an aging single I was feeling more and more “left out” socially. So, at age 47 I decided to go to a larger church that might have more opportunities with older singles. Well there were more opportunities although overall it is still a small demographic. However, the Lord did not really give me new community….just a few new individual friends so i slowly became less involved. After 8 years I decided to return to the previous church where all my community was. And I am slowly getting involved again. I am making small commitments while seeking God’s direction at how HE would have me serve this time around. And now that many of my friends kids are grown we seem to have more in common again. 🙂
It can be also there is nothing for the member to do in the church as far as ministry goes because the pastor takes it all on themselves or church is just dying so they try to go somewhere they can have a ministry and just cannot find it.
My reason for leaving was a sense of no longer having a place. My husband of 47 years died. At first it was the grief that enveloped me every time I tried to go to worship that kept me from going back……………..when that subsided somewhat, I realized that “I had no one to sit with”……….sounds silly but it’s true……….I had no family to attend with me (they are C and E’s) on a regular basis……….there was 13 years between my husband and me………I had many faithful women who invited me to sit with them……….but that only worked for a while……..I was much younger than they were………..so I gradually stopped altogether. I will say that approximately four years after my loss, there was a grief group started by the pastor (who visited me only once)..I’m glad. My Bible reading is regular, prayer is constant, but I miss fellowship and a place. I had been a member 17 years….I still ‘work around the edges’ but not worship…………..
For us it was an issue of constantly serving, the pastor pushed it. It was a church plant. I think 4 can lead to 6. The pastor is great guy, but he also worked people expecting to much and when one wanted a brake he would often use guilt to get them back serving.
I’m currently someone who would be within #6 Major interpersonal conflict. I have always been active (I dont think “very” active would be correct). My conflict is with a couple of the elders, two of which are the employed pastors. But the whole story involves disagreements over several issues with many people.
I don’t want to leave but I can’t rule it out at this time.
Just left our church for this very reason.
Fantastic job. Every Church leader should read.
Thank you Steve.
Thanks for this, Thom. I have seen examples of all of these firsthand. Another dimension to consider (which is not mutually exclusive to any of the things that you have mentioned) comes from applying 1 John 2:19, “They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us. But they went out, that it might become plain that they all are not of us.” Sobering words, but unavoidably true. Some formerly active church members leave the church because they were never genuinely converted. When joined with other passages like Matthew 7:21-23 and Acts 20:29-30, this reality should cause us all to seriously heed the biblical warnings and calls to press on in the fight of faith!
I appreciate your love for and commitment to Christ and His church.
ta
Very good word Tom. Thank you.
First of all, you are assuming that the
scripture you mentioned
applies to church membership,
which is presumptious. I am a
born again christian who loves God.
I left my church for valid reasons; I
stayed there for well over 20 years.
I left only after much prayer when God
said to “wipe the dust off my feet” and
go!! The next day a faithful acquaintance
called and said she had prayed & felt
God had a word for me…it was the
exact same scripture. I respectfully
tried to talk to the pastor about something
serious that bothered me but he
pretty much blew me off. After 20
plus years of constant verbal abuse
by this leader, (others witnessed this)
I left because I was leaving church more
confused than when I walked in the door.
I study the word of God myself so I didn’t
leave because I was not being fed. I left
because so many things were being said
from the pulpit that did not line up with
the word of God. Years ago I would
have been the first one to judge someone
leaving church, and probably would have
used scripture like the one you quoted to
defend my position. Even though the
abuse started years ago I did not acknowledge
it until a few years ago when I absolutely
had to leave. And that was only when a friend
confronted me about it. It’s a sad day when
someone who has never been abused
by someone in church has no empathy for
those that have been. And I’m not talking about
those that are petty and leave for ridiculous
reasons. I’m talking about the faithful who
are for one reason or another get pushed out by
leadership because they no longer fit in to
their agenda. There is also a scripture that says
they will kick us out of churches thinking they are
doing a service for God, implying that God has
nothing to do with it. (read John 16:2). There is
more than one way for a pastor to “kick” someone
out of his church….he can ask them to leave,
or he can purposely mark them making it difficult
for them to remain. I am not talking about expelling
an unrepentant sinner for a time….I’m talking about
making long time members feel like they no longer
matter and are no longer welcome in the church
they have attended for years or even decades. To
say that a pastor can do no wrong and is never at
fault, is to defend the abuser over the abused.
I grew up in church and in my case I just grew out of it. I’m 37 and still single and was in a church where everyone had married and moved into a different season in life. It wasn’t anything that they did but you just lose connection with the families. I stayed with it for a long time knowing that my focus should be on serving Christ and His people. But I find most churches have become the wrong agenda. Singles rarely fit into it and often are seen as outcast. I love the Lord and His church but it becomes easier and easier to quit trying. Thanks Dr Rainer for your ministry!
I can relate to this, Scott. I, too, am single, mid-forties, most of my friends have married and moved on. I attend a large church, but our singles department is non-existent anymore and I normally feel disconnected from my church since ministries are geared toward the married and children. I still attend because I love my church and know I should be there, but often think about leaving.
I know that some have left out of spiritual pridefulness. They believe that they are growing faster and have become so mature that the congregation has nothing left to offer. This can be accelerated by conferences where folks come back all “on fire” to change the world, and when the church does not get in on their vision, they go elsewhere.
Also, we have had folks drawn to the exciting group dynamics of a mega church. The music is similar, the preaching is Christ centered at both places, but people want to go where the action is. Leading a small group of 7 is not exciting for them, they want a small group of 20…
Thom – I’m currently enrolled in Bill Selby’s Center for Pastoral Effectiveness and just had part of a training from Tom Mattick (?)… After reading this article and some previous ones, I think you’re spot on. What I fear, after reading the responses, is that people, whether clergy or laity, are too focused on their own agenda and not on the Great Commission and the Greatest Commandment. Some responses are quick to point fingers without knowing how you scaled your research (and if you explained it all, the blog would be *how* many pages?) and not look at themselves and possible anxiety issues. Others seem quick to judge others for why they suffered a problem.
… Have you done a study on this that hopefully some could read and pray about in their own lives?
— Thanks for your ministry!!
Many of the Seasoned Believers I know feel left out of the active focus of ministry. In Greater Cincinnati there are almost 900,000 people over fifty but few churches recruit them to be active volunteers in ministry. They have time, money and biblical knowledge as well as talents to spare from years at P&G, GE, etc but are on the bench at church. Active involvement would keep many at home.
By the way, some find volunteer positions in the community with Red Cross, hospitals, local charities, etc.
Observation over the last 20 years or so is that many if not most churches that are actively making themselves available to the changes God wants to bring new Believers into their fold are chasing the same demographic, the 21 to 41 year old singles, new marrieds, new families.
Those of us who are newly retired and are still very healthy and active, and usually have years of meaningful service in many different ministries, are usually not even on “leadership’s” radar. Guess we are too old so we have found many other ways to serve in the community.
That isn’t all bad, I believe. It is giving me the opportunity to meet and serve people who haven’t a clue who Jesus is. I hope and pray that I reflect a bit of His grace and service in a way that encourages them to consider and find out more about Jesus Christ.
16 years ago my daughter.her husband and new granddaughter moved to our area to be close us and old high school friends who wanted to get into ministry at the church where my son-in-law’s best friend’s father-in-law was recently installed as pastor. It was a sweet church with founding members active and welcoming. Now, 16 years later it is a church dedicated solely to young people from birth to 20. I know change is good in someways but bad in other areas. The founding leaders were gradually pushed out and a changing group of worshipers came and went. I had a servant’s heart and wanted to participate (nursery. substitute ss teacher among other). Gradually people I had first known starting leaving. New people came and went. My husband got very sick and we were unable to go for some time. When we returned so many things had changed in such a dramatic way. At the risk of hurting our grandchildren, we stopped going and explained why. Change is good. But extreme change in a small church is devastating. God Bless You Al!
Only God truly knows the reasons why but whatever the reason may we ask Christ to draw them back.