Perhaps the image many of us have of church dropouts is a person who was only marginally involved at the onset. He or she did not connect with people and ministries in the church, so that person became a dropout – a person who stopped attending church altogether.
But there are a number of persons who have been active in church life for years. They have had key leadership positions. They are considered some of the most faithful members. And then they are gone. Sometimes it’s sudden; on a few occasions it is more gradual.
During my 25 plus years of church consultations, I have interviewed a number of these active-to-inactive persons. Most of them shared freely and openly with me what took place in their lives, and how it impacted their ultimate decision to stop attending church.
Though there are certainly far more reasons, I am listing the top seven reasons I heard from these formerly active members. For now, I will not make qualitative or analytical comments about their decisions. These top seven reasons are listed in order by the frequency I heard them.
- Moral failure. The most common scenario is a sexual affair. The member who was once revered becomes intensely embarrassed and ashamed, so much so that he or she cannot face the members and friends at church.
- Dropping out of a group. The church member stops his or her regular attendance in a small group or Sunday school class. It is almost inevitable that, without the accountability and fellowship a small group brings, that person is headed to be a complete church dropout.
- Burnout. The church member is asked to do many things because he or she tackles them with such passion and faithfulness. But some of these very active members don’t know how to say no. They burnout and leave church completely.
- Traumatic event. A painful loss or some similar pain can cause many church members to lean on fellow Christians even more. But some react in an opposite fashion and leave the fellowship.
- Dropping out of a ministry. The church member’s primary point of reference and connection with the church is a particular ministry. If he or she leaves that ministry (or in a few cases was asked to leave), it is not unusual for them to see no reason to continue with the church at all.
- Major interpersonal conflict. Marginal church members tend to drop out at the first hint of even minor interpersonal conflict. Very active members are more resilient, recognizing that no church members are perfect. But if the conflict becomes severe, some of the very active church members will leave as well.
- Gradual withdrawal. Most of the time a very active church member will drop out rather suddenly. But, on a few occasions, they just gradually withdraw from involvement in the church. These dropouts had trouble articulating to me why they left, or why they slowly withdrew from involvement. As one lady told me, “It’s like I woke up one morning, and I was no longer involved in the church.”
Church dropouts sadly are all too common. But some of these dropouts were once among the most faithful in the church.
How do you react to these seven reasons? What would you add?
photo credit: Great Beyond via photopin cc
Posted on January 27, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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104 Comments
Remember sheep like to wander and there is a lion on the loose.
I would say that if a church body is teaching false doctrine, condemning truth being taught or allowing the church to be integrated with unrepentant members there is reason to leave. The intimacy of a church is crucial for true relationships as long as there is TRUE LOVE among its members. This can be discouraging especially in BIG churches. The relationships are spread to thin for everyone to know each other. This presents all kinds of challenges. The smaller the church we are able to identify with people and make relationships were there is accountability for the integrity of the church. Never give up on the churches. Apostle Paul is a great example of not giving up. Read 1 & 2 Corinthians.
I had dropped out for many months and have slowly started coming back, first by connecting with a small group again. What happened was with my last group, I was having some severe mental and spiritual problems that actually involved demonic activity. It caused me to act erratic and strange and I badly needed prayer and guidance on how to handle it. It was getting so hard to keep my sanity and control and it was a terrible place of darkness and despair. I don’t understand to this day what caused it. I don’t know if someone sent a curse or what (I am from the Caribbean and unfortunately is is a hotspot for witchcraft). Ever since I was a teenager I had problems with demons paralyzing me in my sleep, tugging at me feet, and just harassing me in other ways, even sexually (I have nothing to do with the occult so it is probably just intimidation). My previous group, bless their hearts, did not know how to handle this and just abandoned me and stayed away for 3 months before they apologized.
So I would list paranormal activity or whatever you want to call it as another reason as some churches are frightened or inexperienced with this and don’t know how to handle this. It was devastating because no one even thought to at least call the head pastor to see what I should do. Many other people have dealt with these problems and are afraid they will be regarded as freaks when church is the first place we should be able to run to for answers about the supernatural. I feel we aren’t welcome in many places so they run to the occult for answers instead to feel they have some control. In the process though I learned people are people and I cant lean too heavily on there, I am still having God teach me about what fellowship entails. I feel I have become stronger to rely on God alone but I still have a persisting mistrust of those in fellowship due to what happened in the past. I’m not angry at them, I still spend time with them but I do not share any of my personal problems with them anymore. I am now slow to do that with anyone period but I guess it’s a good thing because we are to be careful who we choose for that.
So many hard hitting topics and so little time to join in 🙁 I love this Blog and the ongoing dialogue.
I suspect that the reasons for folks dropping out of church and wandering away have been the same for 2,000 years. My preference is to focus on what we are going to do about it. We’re the Victors, not the victims!
A passage that comes to mind is Luke 15:4-7. We should be actively pursuing and gathering those who have wandered away. There should be no distance that we will not go to find them and bring them back. Friends, that’s in the discipleship/shepherding part. The path we walk in ministry should not be full of gaps where God’s people used to stand. If they are good enough for Jesus to die for, then they are certainly good enough for us to round up and get back on track.
It will never be perfect and we will never gather everyone. However, we must jealously defend, love and cherish those precious few that God has already put in front of us. We can do this, let’s go get them!
Brother Thom,
Your seven reasons could be applicable to both active and passive members of the Church. Very Active Members, to me, are those who not only attend all of the weekly Worship and Bible Studies and attend Sunday School, but also get involved in leading or actively participating in the other ministries of the Church. The primary reason I see for these “Very Active” members departing the Church is due to active and passive attacks against them for “doing too much.” I have found that when an individual gets on fire for the Lord and becomes a “Very Active” Christian, it is their fellow congregants who begin to attack them and tear them down. I know the reason for these attacks boils down to jealousy of covetousness which, though identified as the 10th of 10 Commandments, is actually the basis or root of all evil. Covetousness is the sin that caused Lucifer to fall, Adam and Eve to fall, and is the one sin that even Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, pointed out as more detrimental to one’s soul than any other sin. Covetousness is first expressed in the hidden heart of man, but can later manifest itself as murder, adultery, theft, and bearing false witness/lying. The Very Active Christian, after being maliciously attacked out of jealousy/covetousness for doing what other pseudo-christians fail to do (i.e. for doing what is right), finally is beaten down to the point where they have no real alternative but to leave the Church. I have faced this problem; however, the way to deal with it is to just move on to another Church family. The solution is NOT to terminate doing the Lord’s will. I will end on one final point. Most Very Active Christians can take other lay-members attacks, but when the Pastor, Deacons, Elders, etc. turn on or fail to support the Very Active Member who is dedicated to doing the work of the Lord, that normally causes the departure. I encourage Pastors, Deacons, Elders, etc. to be on the lookout for this kind of dedicated servant and to take the time to provide some measure of support. Remember, doing nothing indicates tacit approval of the covetous behavior of the less dedicated. God Bless to all who read this!
Few Ministers welcome very active Seasoned Saints. As one said to me: “I don’t want those religious Baby Boomers in my church. They try to tell me what to do”.
Even a lot of the comments here are attacks on active, seasoned believers who drop out. Some call them bad people rather than doing exit interviews and getting feedback about how to improve. This is why churches are dying. Pastors who can’t hear feedback and change are killing the churches.
Thom
I try to speak with “dropouts” as well, and address reasons often. I am surprised by two things. One is how often people do not really seem to know the “why” and choose some weak reason that is close at hand. The second is typically categorized as “change”. If they were part of a church plant, they thought things had changed too much as the church grew. Changes in leadership, distinctives, minor doctrinal emphases, friends, etc. It is a little disappointing how we can connect with a church for reasons other than the real functions of the real church. Blessings to you!!!!
My husband and I have been attending this church fo awhile and I have wanted to leave for years but my husband said he will wait on the lord to let us know when its time. This pastor runs everything…he chose his own trustees and they were giving him money that they felt he deserved. He refuses to give financial information, because what God does with his money is his business. He refuses to give church meetings. The church is divided, his picks are on one side of the cnurch and the peoplehe clearly does not like is on the other side.
We have had 4 ministers at one time but he drove them all away in favor of making his wife a mininster. There are a few men who have tried to force him to let us have a vote including my husband and it was like a withes coven outside that meeting with his wife and a few other od his bunch chanting for their eternal damnation to hell. My husband got lawyer and was going to sue for financial info but the other members thought he was messing with God himself.
This church is 150+ years old and it used to be a wonderful place of worship before this prea her came in, and insted of members standing and taking care of God’s church, they left and started new churches. This is a baptist church but nothinglike I’ve ever seen. People come in who have never been in a church before and he prays for them 1 time and when they are done he tells them they are saved. And bevore 3 weeks of church they leave and that is to me a very big error and most of those peoplewil probably nevergo to another church, I ha ve spoken to a few and they have said they feel they are being hustled, just like being in the streets.
We are leaving finally just too much adversity, really sad that this church does no community involvement, saves no souls and the prea her and his group thinks we are the best.
We are originally from southern baptists churches and were travelling in the military and we were stationed here when it was a verry nice church with children’s programs and all so when we came back here we went back to that church in case you wonder how we have stayed as long has we have. Thanking you for being a place to vent.
Patricia
Patricia,
I am certain that God has a place for you and your family. Trust in God, allow you husband to lead and then support him as you go. There are a great many blessings in store for people who are obedient to God’s word.
I am praying for your family and the church you described.
gord
• 13 minutes ago
One of the problems is that often the individual is treated better out in the world than in the church and by this I mean that when pastoral care is needed during times of death or illness, often the church or the minister is unavailable, very few ministers visit in the hospital anymore. When one attends church, for no reason, many people do not acknowledge each other, I attended a meeting of the Moose Lodge and believe me, there was more cordiality and fellowship there at that meeting than I have ever had in church on Sunday morning for a good many years.
Many of the church parishioners do not practise the Second Commandment. Often those who speak and are friendly on Sunday morning, if you meet them downtown on Monday, they don’t know you. Also the rudeness of some of the pew sitters (I don’t want to call them Christians) is beyond belief. I personally have been literally knocked to the floor by some woman running or something similar (once it was the ministers wife who was running). When I go to church now, I plan my itinerary very carefully, noting the door that I enter and exit by, where I park, where I sit to avoid some “kook” etc., to avoid all of the church “nuts”. Also the perfume completely gags me. So many are running up and down with a piece of paper in their hands, flagging down their friends, one minister told me that on Sunday mornings, there is very little “worship” in the Sunday morning worship service.
AMEN. I stopped going when I was going through my divorce. I had lost a job, my mother, my car, was forced into bankruptcy, and empty nest. My church friends and small group, knew I did not have a vehicle, but did not help, YET my un-churched friend came from across town to take me to the store on her own free will.
Not one person in the church that I had served in faithfully reached out nor would help me when I needed counsel or just a shoulder to cry on, would help me, but I have had saved neighbors take me to dinner, and help me when I was in need, because i had extended myself to them in the past. Plus church is now a concert show, watered down preaching, and no real love, just a waste of time for the most part.
Small groups? HAHA . A clique, and when my mother passed suddenly, not one reached out to me, but had an attitude with me when I did not come to the meetings for a while. Ummm, I just suffered a loss, and you are MAD AT ME for not coming to a small group, yet no one reached out to me. Nah, I’m good.
I have a PhD from SBTS. The church was the center of my life. I have not been to church in over two years and have no interest in returning. I can identify with reasons 5 and 6 noted above.
As a fellow SBTS alum, I can’t help but wonder if the rigor of studies and making the Word an academic pursuit causes more alum to struggle with life in the church later on. I struggled a lot following graduation, trying to find a church where I fit and a place to serve. Since then, my husband and I have been through a horrid church situation and we are just barely (after 18 months) starting to open up to a new church family.