Perhaps the image many of us have of church dropouts is a person who was only marginally involved at the onset. He or she did not connect with people and ministries in the church, so that person became a dropout – a person who stopped attending church altogether.
But there are a number of persons who have been active in church life for years. They have had key leadership positions. They are considered some of the most faithful members. And then they are gone. Sometimes it’s sudden; on a few occasions it is more gradual.
During my 25 plus years of church consultations, I have interviewed a number of these active-to-inactive persons. Most of them shared freely and openly with me what took place in their lives, and how it impacted their ultimate decision to stop attending church.
Though there are certainly far more reasons, I am listing the top seven reasons I heard from these formerly active members. For now, I will not make qualitative or analytical comments about their decisions. These top seven reasons are listed in order by the frequency I heard them.
- Moral failure. The most common scenario is a sexual affair. The member who was once revered becomes intensely embarrassed and ashamed, so much so that he or she cannot face the members and friends at church.
- Dropping out of a group. The church member stops his or her regular attendance in a small group or Sunday school class. It is almost inevitable that, without the accountability and fellowship a small group brings, that person is headed to be a complete church dropout.
- Burnout. The church member is asked to do many things because he or she tackles them with such passion and faithfulness. But some of these very active members don’t know how to say no. They burnout and leave church completely.
- Traumatic event. A painful loss or some similar pain can cause many church members to lean on fellow Christians even more. But some react in an opposite fashion and leave the fellowship.
- Dropping out of a ministry. The church member’s primary point of reference and connection with the church is a particular ministry. If he or she leaves that ministry (or in a few cases was asked to leave), it is not unusual for them to see no reason to continue with the church at all.
- Major interpersonal conflict. Marginal church members tend to drop out at the first hint of even minor interpersonal conflict. Very active members are more resilient, recognizing that no church members are perfect. But if the conflict becomes severe, some of the very active church members will leave as well.
- Gradual withdrawal. Most of the time a very active church member will drop out rather suddenly. But, on a few occasions, they just gradually withdraw from involvement in the church. These dropouts had trouble articulating to me why they left, or why they slowly withdrew from involvement. As one lady told me, “It’s like I woke up one morning, and I was no longer involved in the church.”
Church dropouts sadly are all too common. But some of these dropouts were once among the most faithful in the church.
How do you react to these seven reasons? What would you add?
photo credit: Great Beyond via photopin cc
Posted on January 27, 2014
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
104 Comments
I was very active in church for 6 years sang in the choir and helped on the AV team. When our pastor left for a different state with his family a few people left the church I stayed. I started to slowly be replaced on choir they found someone who had a professional singing voice a new person who joined our church and they took away my mic on the stage but left the ones belonging to her and the other person I use to sing with. I felt like I was in the way when I showed up for practice, then the children started to ignore my daughter. It was very hurtful that they did this and seeing my daughter cry saying everyone hates her was heartbreaking. We haven’t been back and no one has reached out to us to even see how we are doing. We are a small church.
Mostly devils entered the church, and the affected church members acted upon devils.
So, keep safe distance. I chose outside activities as eucharist minister to hospitals, nursing homes or home bound, homeless aids.
I had a personal situation with Sister of the church that over reacted to my friendly gestures for fellowship and wanting to be her friend. She’s a very shy and timid woman, whereas I am bold and zealous. Due to the fact the she came from a quiet upbringing, I was looked upon as either a fanatic or someone weird – maybe even an el creepo. Yet she didn’t wish to resolve the issue and discuss what I said had offended her.
Instead she avoided me to no avail – shaking and feeling nervous whenever I entered the room – seeing me in the hallway, turning and going the other way. This has gone on for a year or more. And it didn’t stop there. Her whole family (parents, siblings, aunts, cousins etc) all glared at me with extreme suspicion and approval. Then we have the Sister’s friends who did the same thing. These were not isolated incidents. They were habitual, with a pattern – every week. If not every week, then every other week. I was continually hurt because of this, yet beforehand I was so sweet and kind to that Sister, like I have never been before with anyone in my life. I felt so warm around her. It was a first for me. Then this happens.
Sure, we all get hurt, bla bla bla. I know. I get it. I heard it all. But this is different, much different. Yet I pray for all of them anyways. I became withdrawn and soon became turned off at the cultural type environment around me over there. I began noticing more clearly that maybe this environment, with its bland preaching and emphasis on traditions more than the full scope of the Bible as well as redefining words to suit the Pastor’s views – were more or less becoming red flags. If they aren’t red flags, what are they then? Yellow flags – at least.
A lot of people I noticed seem to be going through the motions as well. My church environment, I noticed, is more or less a comfortable church environment – full of status quo elements with more attention to culture and traditions that are cloaked under the cover of the Cross.
I don’t know about you or others, but I’m not interested in getting my throat cut every week or every other week by folks who don’t want to discuss their issues with me to resolve the conflicts. I’m not interested in being reminded, week after week, of what I did without having the spine to discuss it with me yet cast stones at me from afar. They unknowingly give Satan the victory lap dance with such actions. It’s like I have been marked by a permanent stain of ink for simply wanting to be friends with a dear and wonderful Sister I truly respected and cherished. So that’s a crime?? Man, some people have some pretty bad issues because that’s not normal and I pray they be healed in Jesus’ Name.
Either way, this type hurt of mine is the worst I have ever experienced. And what doesn’t help is the sermons are so bland and watered down that they don’t charge me up at all to compensate. They are bland, dull and stagnant because the pastor is only gearing his sermons for the unsaved and seems to be obsessed about numbers – while in the same breath losing 75% of his church over the past decades and refusing to hear concerns or complaints from congregants about it. And why? He, like many pastors, use the verse in Hebrews for church members to be in submission to their pastors. That’s abuse of power in hopes of blind obedience from the flock and I no longer have any confidence in the man. That may change but I doubt it – especially since he changes the meanings of words over the pulpit than what they really mean. There’s three words for that and those three words are “little white lies”. Well, where I come from, a lie is a lie is a lie. There is no such thing as a lesser of two evils. I love the pastor in the Lord of course but he’s somewhat of a showman and his actions have raised yellow to red flags with me to some degree.
Maybe that Sister, who I thought was an angel and is an angel to others, but who treats me like a leper, made me open my eyes and the environment I’m in is not really Holy Spirit led – it’s People Led. Maybe the Lord abandoned this church years ago and I am attending nothing but a spiritual empty facade – distant Echo of what it once was. Maybe this situation made me realize that I’m in the wrong environment after all – seeing all of the other things in the church that became unraveled after the incident with the Sister. Ok, I have some friends there – but to keep going there because those friends need me as a prayer warrior?? To what expense should I do that, my Soul that feels like it’s dying from repeated blows by others in my own spiritual platoon? Seriously?
Maybe this situation made me realize that despite the small handful of those who need me over there, that I cannot do so at the expense of being mentally and spiritually eviscerated time and time again. In other words, I have to look out for my own spiritual welfare. And if an environment has stumbling blocks that become pitfalls which outweigh my usefulness that cause me to feel either oppressed or vexed, maybe I need to just leave them all to God and go someplace that isn’t, quit possibly, damaging my faith. Because to some extent it is.
I attended that church for several years and somewhat grew, but after the silly little incident and misunderstanding, the over exaggerated reactions I got and the markings afterwards, sorry. It’s a no can do for me with that. The Bible counsels us to make things right and to solve conflicts – not to bury them and let them fester under false ideas and false narratives. Like I said, Satan seems to be the winner with such circumstances. They raise their hands to God, but are actually cursing him as I heard one pastor of another church tell me that I mentioned my situation to. Those people obviously don’t want to do that. It seems to me that they just want to go to church as an activity to fill a schedule of theirs, something to do to fill their time by the looks of it and to just feel good without really putting anything they learned into practice. And I am very disappointed in them for it. I still love them all in the Lord though, but their carnal actions are bleeding me dry and I have gotten to the point where I don’t have anymore blood left to drop. So their knives will turn out dry after their swipes at me. Sorry. I will not be reminded, week after week, of this negative stain marking I get, while the Brothers tell me to just forget about it and leave it to God. What is this, a church? Or a lodge? A part of me doesn’t want to leave, but that part may not be the Lord after all who wants me to stay. The call to stay, in fact, may be a call BY THE DEVIL to continuously be vexed, worse and worse. I pray that I’m seriously wrong with that. Maybe it’s time for me to switch denominations.
My husband and I left the evangelical church we were raised in because we were so ready for more depth in our Christian walk than we were receiving. We started church shopping and we found a Pentecostal church we loved so much. That was about 40 years ago. Fellowship with the other believers was so amazing. They took us in and we made so many amazing Christian friends. The teaching was so great and we grew so much in our Christian walk. My husband became a deacon and then an elder and we both worked with the children’s ministries. We raised our children in this church and some of our grandchildren grew up in the same church. Over the years things began to change and at first we didn’t realize it because it was a slow process. When I think back, I believe one of the major mistakes that was made was when the pastor cut out all recreational activities. We no longer got together as a church just to fellowship with each other. Over the years, some of our friends left and new people moved in. We never really got to get to know the new people because there isn’t any opportunity to get to know them. We have lost the bond that we had with the older people that are still there when we came, because we don’t get to visit with them much anymore. For a long time we tried to stay involved but things and relationships just aren’t the same. My husband resigned from being an elder about 3 or 4 years ago. I don’t take part in anything. We lost interest and don’t attend the Wednesday service anymore. We go to church on Sunday and leave feeling sad. I write this with tears in my eyes. How can we leave the church where we have raised our kids and given so much of our time and energy? But there’s not much for us to stay there for anymore. We have the same minister that was there when we came 40 years ago. He’s a great teacher of the word and a great man of God. He’s 83 years old. People have talked to him about this, but he just doesn’t want to do anything about it.
The Brethren at the church I attended didn’t really know what fellowship was because they only did so at church – not outside of it. Was never invited to their homes after church, nor invited out to a restaurant. These men thought fellowship was only meant at the church. Talk about not knowing what fellowship really means. Also, they won’t talk to me on the phone unless I talk to them first. Some of these men won’t even do that as it’s too much of a hassle for them – but they’ll text though..
This article and list is the exact reason that many people leave a church. Notice that every reason listed places the blame on the departing member. The major reason that people leave is because of the “you are always wrong, and I am always right” mentality of most churches. The legalism attitude and using the pulpit as a hammer to embarrass members will no longer be tolerated. These churches are doomed to failure.
Agreed, Darrell. By FAR. Churches need to realize that it’s not always the fault of the departing member. Churches need to say, once and for all, that maybe it’s not the departing member who have the problem, but the CHURCH itself that is the problem. Without such discernment, the denial in the church will be one of the chief essences of its demise.
I would add a number 8 to the list… hindered from involvement in the work of the church.
My pastor wont allow me to do anything unless someone in a position gets sick and cant perform anymore. I came to this church as a seasoned minister. I welcome opportunities to serve but have never been given the opportunity. I look at the list of ministry needs and there are a plethora of things that are needed, but when I ask the pastor he literally looks the other way. Its been three years and I’m tired of asking. I have a great relationship with nearly the entire congregation and am very well respected by all I encounter. I heard recently that another minister left and started his own church as a result to being treated the same way. I feel useless to the church and my presence now is like the elephant in the room with people asking every Sunday when will I get the opportunity, of course I will not throw the pastor under the bus but its clear in their minds that he does not want me as a minister. I stopped praying about it cause my prayers are selfish and I will not compromise my relationship with God praying carnally. he just wont hear how serious I am about serving the people under his leadership and at this point I don’t believe he will ever.
My husband and I who are now in our senior years are considering leaving the church we’ve belonged to all our lives because we have slowly come to see things differently over the years. We can no longer believe the creation story as presented. We no longer believe that God set the man above the woman. We no longer judge those with a different sexual orientation. We no longer see the bible as the infallible word of God but as the foundation and inspiriration of our faith. Many of our doctrines no longer make any sense to us.
We’ve stayed active and faithful members over the years but now feel we can not stay with integrity.
After reading the article & comments, I started to re analyse why my husband and I decided to leave a thriving church which we attended since its foundation years. We never relish just being pew warmers so we got stucked in & became one of the Connect Group hosts. After sticking around for over 7 years, we became more and more uncomfortable with the government, style and culture of the church. It became more and more focused on young people. Being a family person, I longed for a more family orientated church. Sadly by leaving, it divided our family. Our daughter & her husband are in leadership roles too. When we left, we wanted some time out & not go anywhere. However not long after, we got connected with a leader who has left the same church and he encouraged us to visit his new church of which he is the pastor. We did for about 2 years then left as they became more and more like the previous church. Now we are happy just to serve in a cafe ministry to university students together with other local churches. Church membership is not too much a concern for us. We are still walking with God, fellowshipping and serving alongside His people. We occasionally visit other churches. So watch this space…
Someone who lost their job and is ashamed to not be able to put anything in the plate on Sunday might be embarrassed. Especially if the pastor NEVER calls them to do anything even though they have made it clear that they want to many many times (and being out of work they have WAYY too much time on their hands!)
Siցuiendo esas fáciles instrucciones se pueden conseguir vidas ilimitadas en el juego en cսestión de pocos segundos sin preϲisar aguardar larɡas horas.
No. 8 Failure of leadership to respond to today’s issues
No. 9 Regulatory ambiguities
No.10 Failure to communicate effectively
No.11 Training of Clergy (using age old arguments)
No.12 Losing trust in Clergy due to incompetent decisions by leaders
I’m sure I can come up with some more . . .
Your 1 – 7 shows only parishioner related issues. The church or churches however have to take a hard look at their own imperfections and re-establish a new value and training system.
We dropped out of church about a year and a half ago and have been church free since then, in our 33rd-34th years of church-going marriage. We left out of exhaustion, partly with an issue we were dealing with in our extended family at the time, partly with a member of the pastor’s family whose personality was a struggle to deal with. We were the most active, “doing” people in the church, and are still firm believers. Ironically, nobody has pursued us, much less shown any interest in why we left. We have known too many pastors’ families over the years that had internal issues, including attention-getting psychosomatic illnesses, ill behaved kids, and even mental illness. This scares me, as our oldest is now a pastoral spouse with children. I wish someone would write a thorough book about the pervasiveness of problems in pastoral families these days, including the number of pastors’ spouses who have psychological issues, and how those families can deal effectively with their situations. Around here anyway, it is a too-common issue, and as those families tend to circle the wagons, to the point of sacrificing church members falsely to protect the difficult/ill pastoral family members, it makes church involvement very difficult. All that to say–we left due to exhaustion. Maybe you’d call that #3, but there’s more to it than your explanation. And we’re frankly, a year and a half later, still afraid to go back into church life . Hopefully things are different in other parts of the country….