I am especially grateful to have the opportunity to hear from pastors’ wives since much of my focus is on pastors. In an informal survey, I simply asked the open-ended question: “What do you wish you had been told before you became a minister’s wife?”
Thank you to the pastors’ wives who were willing to give us such great feedback. And thanks to Chris Adams for doing the survey and to Amy Jordan for assembling the data.
The responses are in order of frequency. A representative comment follows each response.
- I wish someone had told me just to be myself. “I am a people-pleaser by nature, so for me, not being prepared to handle being a pastor’s wife with my personality was a heavy burden to carry early in our ministry.”
- I wish someone had prepared me to deal with criticism of my husband and me. “It was hard to deal with negative experiences, conflicts, or criticisms, especially in relation to my husband and our area of ministry. So I would harbor feelings of resentment when it came to ministry and my man.”
- I wish someone had reminded me that my husband is human. “I wish someone had told me that my husband could not be God for me. I was disillusioned at first to find out that he indeed is just a man.”
- I wish someone had told me that others were watching us (the glass house syndrome). “Even though they are watching us, we don’t need to be controlled by what they expect of us.”
- I wish someone had told me there are some really mean people in the church. “I was really surprised. I had to learn not to pay too much attention to them or they would get me down.”
- I wish someone had told me how much my husband needs me to build him up. “I need to be his cheerleader. Dealing with critics in the church is difficult. He needs to hear that I respect him now more than ever.”
- I wish someone had told me that my schedule will never be normal again. “Your husband will be very busy. Expect that. But come alongside him in the areas of time management and organization.”
One pastor’s wife told us that her role was like getting a job for which she never applied. She wrote this funny script in her response:
Husband: “Honey, I got you a job today.”
Wife: “Really? Okay, but I wasn’t looking for a job. I have plenty to do here running the household and raising the kids. That was our plan, right? Me stay home with the kids so you could fully dedicate yourself to the ministry.”
Husband: “Yeah, yeah. But I really need you take this job for me.”
Wife: “Well, okay, just tell me what to do and when it needs to be done by, and I will do everything I can to make it happen.”
Husband: “Well, right now there are no specific responsibilities. Basically, it’s just doing anything at church that no one else steps up to do or wants to do.”
Wife: “Oh my, that is a tall order. Okay, I’ll do it. I guess we could use the extra money anyway. Things are always tight around here on a pastor’s salary.
Husband: “Well, actually honey, there is no salary . . .”
What do you think of these seven responses? What would you add?
Posted on April 6, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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366 Comments
I am so glad I clicked onto the website. I had no idea how lonely I would be as a pastors wife. I thought wow I will have so many friends in the church. How wrong I was! It feels like I have a beware sign on my back. It is very hard to have friends that you have to keep at arms length. Nobody to confide in, no shoulders to cry on. Always having to be careful of what you say and who you say it to. It’s getting to the point that I am actually thinking of attending another church just so I will have someone that I can get close to but if I do that there will be more stress between my husband and I. I see a move in our future, one that I am very much against. I know God is in control but I also believe that God teaches us lessons from wrong choices and I very much feel that this is going to be one of those. I would very much appreciate prayer in our situation.
Rhonda,
I know exactly how you feel because I am in almost the same boat. What makes matters worse is when you are worried or against a move because you have children involved. I don’t trust anyone, not even those people in our church that “say” they support and love us. I have had the experience that even when say they love and support you when push comes to shove they are normally about what makes them look the best and is in their best interest and if it means throwing the pastor and his family under the bus so be it. We are currently in a position where the other staff member has been put on Administrative Leave per our Deacon body. Of course my husband did not make this decision but he is the one catching all the blame and trash from those unhappy about it. Unfortunately now there is facebook to add to the mix. Nothing like seeing people you think are nice agreeing and telling lies about your husband on Facebook. Makes it even easier to go along with the crowd and not stand up for what is right when it is on the internet and not face to face. This staff person works with our students including my two teenagers and we are in a place now that this person has done so many things that are not holding to the bilbical standards of a minister. One child will graduate next year and the other is very involved in school activities and very social. The thought of uprooting them terrifies and saddens me. Unfortunately if they let this staff member come back and the ugly, evil people win, then I no longer will want to attend. I will come hear my husband but will not allow my kids to sit under this persons authority again because it would be showing them that a minister is not held to any standards. I told my husband I will take my kids to be involved somewhere else. To be perfectly honest I’m ready to be out of ministry all together so I can go back to church for the right reason and enjoy worshipping without watching for knives in my back. It is the loneliest place on earth to be, I truly believe.
Thank you Kim for your words and for relating to what I am going through. I wish I could have found this website a lot earlier. My husband is in a yoked position where he preaches at two churches that do not play nicely together. We have heard ” The pastor and his family like them more then they do us” I have not been able to become involved with really either one of them except to do functions where the whole church get’s involved. Now with this potential move coming up, where I will be moved even further away from family. I finally told my husband that If he chooses to move out of state and get a new church then I will only attend his church every other weekend. Once I explained to him that I need friends outside of his congregation, ones that I can get close to and not have to worry about them talking badly about him because they wont be a part of his church then he understood.. Sometimes a pastors wife needs another pastor to talk to besides our own husbands. This is not an easy life at all.. I to sometimes wish that my husband had another job and that we could just enjoy going to church again and just be normal.
Rhonda, I know exactly how you feel. Moving further and further away from family is really difficult and then when you do your pastor is your husband! “Conflict of interest much?” My husband is one of those pastors that does not think a minister or his wife should ever need counseling. It is a sign of weakness to him and he is afraid of it getting out and making us look weak. I am originally from Texas born and raised as well as my husband. We have made two big moves to two different states and now we are more than a 15 hour drive from my family. At lease when we still lived in Texas I could always go home to visit my siblings and parents where there were people who loved me with no expectations of how I should act or talk. We are in a current situation that is in limbo because until decisions are made by our deacons on a situation I have no idea whether we will stay here or be trying to move. The not knowing is putting me in a sense of despair like I have never been in before. Mostly because I have high school kids that a move would really affect. But, if the wrong decision is made it will be impossible for my husband to continue to pastor under that environment and it will be kind of out of our hands. I did tell mine that if the wrong decision is made, while he remains and searches for God’s direction to another church that I will, along with my children, be attending elsewhere. This is causing quite a bit of strife. But, I think if he were not the pastor he would go also go somewhere else. I know all too well the loneliness and not having anyone close to really talk to. You can only share so much without making you and your husband vulnerable and that is definately not what you want to do. I am coming up on my 25 year anniversary and that many years in ministry and it does not get any better so far. I will be praying for you and that you and your husband follow what God’s will is for your ministry whether it be where you are or in another place.
I will pray for you as well. Can I ask what denomination your husband is? I’m in VA and may move to NY. Lord help me there LOL.. I am conservative and will have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. My husband is a PCUSA minister and that is a whole other bag of worms.
Is the PCUSA Presbyterian? My husband is and father are both Southern Baptist but I feel like I want to go non-denominational. I think the denominations have messed all up! New York would be a really tough adjustment. I am in North Carolina and I am fairly conservative in my views but I don’t think that our views as opposed to the scripture should divide fellowship. I believe there is only one way to heaven and that is through Jesus Christ. Without a personal relationship with him there is no faith and nothing for the denominations to be fighting over. All other stuff that we disagree on is mostly our opinions and preferences. It’s we go against scripture that we are divided. I will pray for your move. I know it is hard as we are facing decisions like that ourselves.
“It was only two days ago I said to my husband if I had to do it all over again I would never marry a pastor.”
I said this a few months ago to my husband, and even while I said it I knew it would hurt him, but I had to get rid of my frustration which has built up over 20 years of ministry. I never wanted to be in ministry, it is something I would never even have considered, alas, God’s will is being done. The resentment, however, is growing I most of the days I struggle with my faith. I had a traumatic childhood and was treated 5 years ago for depression. I feel bad and angry, and sometimes I could scream.
Hi Dr Rainer,
Sadly the reality is that many Pastor’s wives are hurting and in need of encouragement and being ministered to, but do not receive this in the churches they are planted in.
For those who are interested, I coordinate a network for Pastor’s wives called the Radiant Pastors Wives Network. It is still a fairly new network, but our aim is to help Pastor’s wives radiate God’s love to others, by firstly being ministered to.
More information can be found on our website – http://www.radiantpastorswives.com
This helped me a lot and has given me invaluable insight to the life my girlfriend is walking in to when we get married. I am not a Pastor/Preacher yet, but God has called me and I will not run away. Thanks ladies.
Dr. R. I am overwhelmed by the sadness, burn out and anxiety of so many Ministers and their wives. I will send my paper on Survival for Ministers and Other Servants of God free to any readers of this blog who are in ministry of any sort. [email protected]
I am a Christian Counselor and Church Consultant.
Thank you for you heart and service Gary.
I’ve been in ministry as a pastor’s wife for over 24 years in three different churches and I’ve seen a lot of abuses in the name of “ministry”.. It is NOT Godly or Biblical to neglect your wife and family for the “ministry”. It is NOT Godly or Biblical to serve others and not serve in your own home. Many pastor’s do not understand how to keep priorities in balance and can get caught up in the tyranny of the urgent. They need to learn they are NOT to be everyone’s Savior and jump at everyone’s beck and call.There has to be boundaries. It may take some time for our husbands to learn this. This applies to us wives as well. We are not expected to live up to others’ expectations of us. We live before God. We are not to be a mini pastor and do what only the men should be doing in the church. Our ministry should focus on our homes, husband and kids: Titus 2. Any extra time we can then serve in our church according to our gifts. Our main ministry should be to SUPPORT our husbands at home in providing an oasis for him to come home to.My husband did not marry another pastor but a woman. We teach by EXAMPLE to the other women in our church not necessarily thu a women’s Bible study. I’m not against women’s Bible studies but pastor’s wives need to be careful they do not feel they HAVE TO provide a women’s ministry. I’ve seen pastor’s wives compete with their husbands over their own ministries and sometimes women’s ministry can dilute the Pastor’s midweek Bible study that he’d like to see built up. We area called to be help mates. We need to ask ourselves “where in scripture do I see this?” Instead of doing what we’ve seen other churches do or what we’ve always done.
To Stephen,
I know you’re trying to help. But unless you’ve been a pastor’s wife, you can only preach from the outside. After 29 years as a pastor’s wife, I hear and know this pain. And I know that these women need much more than an unknown man on a website quoting what they already know. Please follow threads that are within your experience.
To the women of this thread:
You need to cling to Jesus. You need to talk to your husband. And, you might need a good Christian counselor in order to save your marriage.
For me clinging to Jesus meant going out into nature – seeing His creation and getting out of the the rat race of church life to rediscover Him in a personal way. It also meant taking a 3 month sabbatical from our church. Everyone needs a break and after 12 years attending every Sunday except family vacations, I sorely needed to see other churches – and how messed up they were. Going to sample the greener grass makes the color come closer to reality.
Your husband – You need to come to a point of being able to gently explain your feelings – while not blaming him for the situation, or expecting him to fix it. If he is intransigent, you need to find someone else to bring to the table – a denominational advocate, a pastoral mentor, someone who can see the situation clearly.
Counselor – We have a wonderful Christian counselor who has kept us sane and married. I still don’t have friends to whom I can tell anything. We do have to watch what we say in most situations. But we pay for our friendship. “Bill” has been a part of our lives now – on and off – for the past 18 years. We are currently seeing him because of the closing of our last church. It was tough on my husband and me. We needed that biblical counseling from somewhere, and “Bill” has met our needs. He has accepted my insurance and worked with payment plans throughout the whole time. We’re not the only pastoring couple that he sees. He is invaluable.
Hang in there.
Wow, there were so many posts about being lonely that I could not read them all. I really thought I was alone. My husband keeps trying to encourage me to make friends with the ladies as church, but it just never works. I have many tearful nights of prayer about this as well.
Amanda,
I know too well how you feel. We need a support system…even counselors for just Minister’s wives!
I just want to first, give a shout out to all the pastor’s wives out there… to those hurting and to those thriving. You’ve already come this far, don’t give up now. I just want to share a few things that I’ve learnt as I strive to walk closer and closer with God everyday. The number one thing is to trust God in everything! The same supernatural power to heal and deliver, can also provide both physically, mentally and emotionally. I have seen God supernaturally provide physically, move the hearts of men for my benefits and practically manipulate circumstances to bring about His promises in my life.
Once, while I was going through an anxious moment, God said to me, “I am not in your hands, You are in my hands.” In the midst of your pain, don’t try to use God as a tool to meet your needs. Rather, realize that you are a tool in His hands to meet His needs and if anything stands in your way, it’s His business to take care of it. The bible speaks of a rest that remains for the people of God in Heb 4 and it’s through faith and obedience that we enter that rest. My sisters and brothers, this rest is real and I have tasted it, but it only comes when we are completely surrendered (i.e. no longer living for ourselves but for the one that died for us) and completely trusting. To remain surrendered to God despite the overwhelming trials says that your trust is not based on circumstances, but on who you know Him to be.
I realize many don’t like hearing scriptures when they’re hurting, but I think this is just a trick of the enemy because the one thing that can really bring us real and abiding freedom and deliverance is what we tend to avoid. Jesus overcame every temptation and trial with the scriptures. The key to making the scriptures work for you is complete surrender and complete trust (or faith if you like). When you are completely surrendered to Him, then God is free to do whatever He wants with you and everything that concerns you because you are now in His hands. And we know we can trust Him because the thoughts He has towards us are that of good and not of evil and to bring us to an expected end. Beloved, it is not easy to stay completely surrendered to God, it requires a daily death. However, if you take the first steps, He’ll eventually take over and carry you the rest of the way. This is not theory, it’s tried and tested and works every time.
Finally, to be dead to self is to completely loose sight of yourself. Think back to all those situations where we have been angry or bitter or resentful or proud or depressed. Guess who we were focusing on? Now, try loosing sight of yourself completely and look at the situation again. You’ll realize that self is the culprit that has hindered and limited the unbridled expression of love. You’ll realize that in the absence of self-consciousness, when you’re only thinking about the good of the other person, you can genuinely and greatly love even those who have hurt you the most.
When we keep thinking and meditating on how we’re being mistreated and how we’re lonely and how we’re hurting and how we’re being back-stabbed and slandered, the results should be obvious. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh. But we can choose to not focus our thoughts on ourselves and focus on people. Instead of thinking about how we deserved better treatment from a certain person, we think about what could have driven that person to act the way they did. Jesus wasn’t depressed about rejection, He was only saddened that the Israelites were not receiving the good things God had for them. Paul the apostle wasn’t mad at his jewish persecutors, despite all they did to him, he was willing to exchange his own salvation for theirs. They focused, never on themselves, but on the people. This is not a practice we should do at just hard times, but one we should do all the time. It will protect you from needless worries, hurt and pain and in time, you will win hearts.
I have made the above point to say this… some of us (not all, just some) are going through what we’re going through right now because God wants to break you and get rid of bits of the flesh that are still resident in you. In other words, He’s pruning you so you can bear much more fruit. You never know what’s inside of you until you enter into the right circumstances, then the self and flesh in you comes to the surface. To the person wholly submitted to God, the circumstances God brings your way is like a torchlight that God shines into the darkest places of your heart so that you can see well enough to properly clean it up.
David said, “Search me, God, and know my heart; TEST me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24 emphasis mine)
Each time you get rid of a bit, your walk with God becomes closer. Can two walk together unless they agree? The less flesh there is, the more in agreement you are with God, the closer your walk with Him will be.The atonement only provided for the potential of intimacy with God, but to be actually intimate, you must pay the price, you must climb that mountain.
Start from repentance, repent of all your resentments and bitterness towards God and people (if any), re-consecrate your life to God again and start trusting in Him again. If you can’t really let go of some of these things, then ask God for help. I promise you that God is anxious to come to your aid, and all you have to do is call out to Him. Then you need to start spending time with Him. If this doesn’t seem possible, ask Him for help, He will give you wisdom and show you the way to go. Once you get your relationship with God back on track and you start earnestly seeking Him, things will start working out for you. You won’t escape from troubles, but you will experience a peace that passes all understanding and a love that knows no bounds and the tangible manifestation of the presence of God in your life. You will witness Him manipulate circumstances for your sake and you will marvel at His goodness towards you.
Remember that, in this life, the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but are mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds. I promise you that there’s nothing prayer cannot do. I’ve seen it time and again in my life and in the lives of those that believe as I do. In many cases, you cannot change the hearts of men by just talking. Yes, there’s a place for wisdom, but you need to go on your knees and earnestly seek God “Luke 18” style. And please remember that you have a helper and comforter in the person of the Holy Spirit. Although I can’t really go into the practical aspects of this, suffice it to say that you need to ask for His help or He won’t do much. It is important to get encouragement, moral support and the likes from people, but there’s only so much man can do for you, so you need to have that one-on-one with God. Imagine you were living with Jesus, wouldn’t you think, “problem solved!” Jesus said, “It is better that I go away so I can send the Holy Spirit to you.” If it was problem solved with Jesus, how much more with the Holy Spirit? Sometimes, we don’t just realize the immense goodness and mercy that has been made available to us or how to take advantage of them.
So, fight the good fight of faith my dear sisters, aunties and mummies in Christ that are PW’s. Even though I’ve never met you, I love you and you’ll be a constant mention in my prayers from now on. You will surely experience better days ahead of you in Jesus’ name. God bless you abundantly.
Stephen, what you are saying is true but unfortunately you’ve jumped into a den of women venting and sometimes well intentioned advice is not welcomed in this state. Thank you for your sincere advice though. Truth is still the truth no matter if you’ve walked in someones shoes or not. Applying the scripture is always applicable in every situation. We cannot do ministry in our own strength and be effective. We will either burn out or die out. This is a supernatural endeavor and we MUST do it His way depending on His strength. 2 Corinthians 3:5-6
“5 Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, 6 who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit;[a] for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”
Marriage: Yes your marriage will be attacked. Satan will get at the weakest link in your lives to bring down the ministry. May I recommend an excellent marriage book. It’s NOT like all the other marriage books. It’s focus is very Biblical and it’s very encouraging yet sobering. It’s called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? Here’s a link: http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Marriage-What-Designed-Happy/dp/0310242827
Seek the Lord my sisters and find strength and encouragement in the scriptures. Find another pastors’ wife outside of your church if possible and meet for coffee and see what kind of friendship will develop. Remember His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Make sure you are not taking on more than He’s called you to do and that you are not trying to do it in your own strength.
Greetings!! first of all I love being in the ministry and being the wife of my husband. when my husband was called to Pastor our Church, He told me ” I want you to remember you are my wife who just happens to be married to the Pastor! Love my husband. What I wish someone would have told me about being a Pastor’s Wife is that the Church is made up of Sinners saved by Grace, and that someone should have reminded me that as Paul stated so long ago, Of which I am the Chief of Sinners!! I was very surprised to find that People who demonstrated such faith, such Godly outward Character, were nothing but Sinners underneath the facade of Godliness! I think that is the biggest shock of all! for example, I wanted to do something special for the people of our Church, they had done so much for us it was impossible to return the favor. so I decided I would hold a special dinner night for our Church! It was so much fun to plan, I made special invitations and mailed them out to everyone in our Church, inviting them to a night of Dinner and Entertainment. I made the Dinner, my dgt who who was working on her Bachelors of Music at the time, had asked her talented co-students to come and give a concert for our entertainment, which followed a showing of a film. I had cleared out our Sanctuary and had tables brought in, set them up using real dinner dishes, had name tags set out at each place, as I had them RSVP. as the night begun, some people showed up that did not RSVP, I had planned for that incase it happened, my family would give up their table, and we would just sit in the back. but that night when it happened, I forgot about making my family move, and had to move some of our single senior saints to a different table. all worked out and it was a great night! laughter, applauds , fun time. that was on Saturday, then Sunday came, and I noticed some of the women were off Standish to me, I thought what happened? I found out that someone was upset that I did not ask them to make anything for the dinner, as they are known as the “Suzy homemaker” of our church, I tried in vain to explain that if she had helped me than it would not have been from me. all to no eval. someone else told me ” I think I am going to be leaving the church, because no one cares for me here” WHAT??? I found out that this senior saint was upset because I moved her to a different table that night that was not decorated like the others so quest could sit where she was sitting!!!! WHAT!!! WHY OH WHY COULDN’T I REMEMBER MY PLAN TO HAVE MY FAMILY SIT ELSE WHERE!! sadly but in the end over time both these folks have left our Church. I could go on and on about things that are honestly just plain stupid. I prayed tho, that God would do a work in our church, If I had to do over again, I would have really looked at our Church folks. were they out on visitation night? were they at prayer meeting, Sunday services, were they folks that were committed to the ministry. I could go on and on…so pathetic. but I really understand when in Psalm 78:38 Yet he, being compassionate, atoned for their iniquity and did not destroy them; he restrained his anger often and did not stir up all his wrath.
so much we have to account to when we stand before the almighty….I think that is when God will wipe the tears from our eyes.
Congregational people tend to have a huge sense of ownership over their facilities and what happens within them. Ladies groups get offended if they aren’t asked to help with hospitality, and boards get offended if someone does an odd job without permission.
I really need help, I am thinking of living my husband. We have been pastors for 5 years, but have been in the ministry since we got married 21 years ago.
No one told me that: I would be very lonely. We have to work outside the home in a business that we own. The business gives him flexibility to attend the activities, but being that it’s a “Hispanic” business most clients have time only in the evening. So he gets up late, eats and leaves, doesn’t come home until it’s time to go to church. I help him from home in the business, and attend all church activities and tend to two teenagers who also help us in the ministry (worship). We DO NOT have time or resources to even go out on weekends, and the only time off from ministry is two days a week to clean house and do admin work for church.
I have talked to him about it and says things will change, but he has some very bad habits, (goes to bed late, is not interested in anything, I mean anything except church and God) No he does not like going out on vacation or to the park or anything like that. He kind of says it’s a waist of time of our lives. When we have time together all he talks about is God and the Bible. I really love God, for he has rescued my from a life of all kinds of abuse, but I am starting to be very bitter towards the ministry, God, and him. I really feel trapped, lonely and desperate. I have told him numerous times that if things don’t change I will be living. Although we enjoy the ministry, our marriage is suffering!
We pay for the rent of the business, our home, and the building of the church because not enough tithes or offerings come in since we pastors a Hispanic church with low-incomes or no jobs.
My kids don’t get to go to college because we can’t get decent jobs because of the schedule of the church, we don’t have medical insurance or anything like that.
My family brags about traveling, vacations, and success in life, but I feel like a total failure although I know that my reward is not of this earth, I totally feel dead alive! Please, someone help me!
Hello sister in Jesus. Your story sounds really similar to ours. The only big difference is that The Lord has recently brought us into enough of a quiet pasture (psalm 23) that we can breathe a little. In the meantime, know that we will be praying for you both and praying that you God sends you help soon to take some of the burden off.
Oh my goodness! Do I relate to your response along with many on this site. We have only been in the ministry for 8 years but have had a lot of ups and downs. I became extremely lonely. I just wanted to encourage you, to let you know that your husband could never do if it weren’t for your strength. I wrote a book called “A Realist’s Guide to Being a Pastor’s Wife.” Because there were no books telling me what my role was, I wanted to provide that for any newcomers into the ministry. I also wanted to write it for people in the congregation to let them know what goes on behind the scenes of ministry so that they would know how to encourage the leaders in the church. I feel your hurt and I know your pain. Ministry is hard. Doing the right thing isn’t always the easy thing. The devil wants nothing more than to rip ministry families apart at the seams. Don’t let him win!
I wish my husband would have included me in his life to be his cheerleader. I wish he would have respected my calling and ministry. I wish someone would have told me that he was going to neglect me and forget about our dreams as a married couple. Now he lives for the church. Birthdays and anniversaries do not exist in this home. I’m tired of eating dinners alone and having anniversary trips cancelled because he has no interest. What does he always tell me? Oh yeah, “The Kingdom of God is always first.” Now even my faith in God is at question How could God give me a husband who is a Pastor and so easily live without me? I feel stuck in this marriage. I am unfulfilled as a woman, wife, minister and mother. Everything he promised me he has broken. I wish someone would have told me it would be this way. Then maybe I would have paid more attention to my gut feeling!