I am especially grateful to have the opportunity to hear from pastors’ wives since much of my focus is on pastors. In an informal survey, I simply asked the open-ended question: “What do you wish you had been told before you became a minister’s wife?”
Thank you to the pastors’ wives who were willing to give us such great feedback. And thanks to Chris Adams for doing the survey and to Amy Jordan for assembling the data.
The responses are in order of frequency. A representative comment follows each response.
- I wish someone had told me just to be myself. “I am a people-pleaser by nature, so for me, not being prepared to handle being a pastor’s wife with my personality was a heavy burden to carry early in our ministry.”
- I wish someone had prepared me to deal with criticism of my husband and me. “It was hard to deal with negative experiences, conflicts, or criticisms, especially in relation to my husband and our area of ministry. So I would harbor feelings of resentment when it came to ministry and my man.”
- I wish someone had reminded me that my husband is human. “I wish someone had told me that my husband could not be God for me. I was disillusioned at first to find out that he indeed is just a man.”
- I wish someone had told me that others were watching us (the glass house syndrome). “Even though they are watching us, we don’t need to be controlled by what they expect of us.”
- I wish someone had told me there are some really mean people in the church. “I was really surprised. I had to learn not to pay too much attention to them or they would get me down.”
- I wish someone had told me how much my husband needs me to build him up. “I need to be his cheerleader. Dealing with critics in the church is difficult. He needs to hear that I respect him now more than ever.”
- I wish someone had told me that my schedule will never be normal again. “Your husband will be very busy. Expect that. But come alongside him in the areas of time management and organization.”
One pastor’s wife told us that her role was like getting a job for which she never applied. She wrote this funny script in her response:
Husband: “Honey, I got you a job today.”
Wife: “Really? Okay, but I wasn’t looking for a job. I have plenty to do here running the household and raising the kids. That was our plan, right? Me stay home with the kids so you could fully dedicate yourself to the ministry.”
Husband: “Yeah, yeah. But I really need you take this job for me.”
Wife: “Well, okay, just tell me what to do and when it needs to be done by, and I will do everything I can to make it happen.”
Husband: “Well, right now there are no specific responsibilities. Basically, it’s just doing anything at church that no one else steps up to do or wants to do.”
Wife: “Oh my, that is a tall order. Okay, I’ll do it. I guess we could use the extra money anyway. Things are always tight around here on a pastor’s salary.
Husband: “Well, actually honey, there is no salary . . .”
What do you think of these seven responses? What would you add?
Posted on April 6, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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366 Comments
As Dr. Rainer mentioned several weeks ago that Pastors are poorly trained in several areas, including interpersonal relationships. From being a church member for decades I agree but the most glaring problem is the lack of training of the members by the Pastors. So many of the issues here are the result of rude, crude, inappropriate remarks by members who obviously have no training in interpersonal skills.
My ministry has equipped hundreds of leaders around the globe to “Speak the truth in love”. I will send a free book to anyone on this list.
Can so relate to some of the issues raised here! My husband and I support each other well. I stand alongside him and cheer him on. We are going into our eighth year in the Senior Pastor role. We have just come back from a two months break and hooray hosay, it’s not all rosey posey as how we left it.
My husband’s hesitation into coming into this role was that he didn’t want us to get hurt. An understatement! We faced many along the way, we faced the challenges in the congregation, and moved forward. Most of the challenges we faced were those with agendas. When we don’t do what they think we should be doing, they leave …..!
In this time around, I feel like I have been hit by a bulldozer cos every complaints made are aimed at me ( the Pastors wife). (the contention is from some of our key leaders. young too) So in my reasoning mind, God what about all the meals I cooked, the round the table conversation, the invitation and the privilege of sitting around our home table with guest ministries that no one in the church gets. I am angry, hurt, annoyed, don’t wanna go church anymore, feeling betrayed, who can I trust now…all the works that I am having to work through.
It’s so true, it’s a heck of a lonely place to be. Pastors wives should not have to be
A few years ago I got told off by an old lady in our congregation that what I wore was inappropriate for a Pastors wife. (FYI. a sleeveless top not a bikini in church.) I slipped into the office and cried my eyes out. Another incident, a leader bagged me in front of my husband. 🙂 I swallowed that one and moved forward.
I have learned that you have fans and enemies in ministries. It doesn’t matter what you say, some congregational members will form negative opinions. I have learned that I can’t always please everyone. I will always get on people’s noses one way or the other, especially leaders. While you are expected to encourage your congregation and smile, there is very little grace shown to you. I have learned in this NOW challenge to stay close to God, what is He teaching me through it all, bite it and move forward. And am thinking, God how many more, not fair. It sucks and my flesh says, bugger them if I may be honest.
Pastor’s wives are human beings with feelings, emotions, desires etc and congregational members forget that far too many times. Bless ya y
My husband pastored for 10 yrs before the Lord lead him to join ministry with another ministry. One day I was a stay at home Mom and the next I was a Pastors wife with no how to manual. 12 yrs later I wrote my first book published by Xulon press “That FrontRow Seat- Encouragement to Pastors Wives and those Who Lead”. It was my desire to share practical instructilons and examples with scripture as the basis to help not only the wife but the husband leader as well
This is why I did my best to make things simple for my church and my wife. I gave two simple statements:
1) You are my ministry.
2) I am her ministry.
Simply and aptly put, thank you.
Yes, Perfect. This is the way I see my life. My husband and I have done youth work together and I’ve also been involved in another children’s group at the church. However, my main “ministry” is supporting him in his work: trying to make sure that he gets enough rest and being there for him to talk to about things, plus the usual things like cooking his meals and making sure there’s clean laundry. This has been my “career” for the last almost-20-years. Though I miss the income and socializing of working outside the home, I feel that this is what the Lord wants me to do for now. We’ve been through some hard times and are currently looking for another pastoral charge, but the Lord is good.
Hi everyone, I have been dating my boyfriend who has a year left in seminary. I really would like to see us get married one day but sometimes I worry if I can handle being a pastors wife. How do you handle how busy your husband can be without feeling neglected? I myself am also going to be graduating College at the same time and am working hard to get a career in the arts. I just worry that he may not be around much. I am slowly trying to find my way in all this as I have never really grown up active in faith so it’s an interesting journey. Hope to hear from you all!
Dear Anonymous,
As you and your boyfriend look at marriage and going into ministry, you must set proper boundaries or else ministry will get everything off balance. This is why we have a ministry for pastoral families is to offer an Ally for the Pastor and a Confidante for the wife. You must have people in your life to help keep the balance. Praying for you as you look at entering ministry life together.
Rodetta Cook
Hey girl! I would echo the whole idea of my husband being my ministry. It’s simple, but it is powerful in that it has helped me make decisions about what to be involved in and where to focus my time. After all, even though his chosen vocation does impact me and the way we do life as a family, I still have my own gifts that God has given me to live out.
When it comes to feeling neglected… that’s something to be very aware of and intentional about. I know so many people in ministry that struggle to find a healthy balance (and so many women who resent their husband’s calling because they never discussed this before marriage). It’s definitely something to talk about BEFORE you’re ever married. Ministry is tricky. I mean, your husband’s job is to shepherd the church… whether he’s the lead pastor or the head of a ministry within the church. When Paul said it’s easier to be single I KNOW he was dead on when it comes to doing ministry. Adding your own family into the mix makes things more complicated and either sets you up for a frustrated and neglected marriage and family life… or, with intentionality, you can figure out how to balance both and have a healthy ministry and marriage. As for my husband and I, here’s how we’ve decided to approach this whole thing.
Our family comes first, period. My husband’s list of priorities is as follows: God, Sarah(me), Miles & Silas(our boys)… then ministry. For us, this means that Michael isn’t gone every night of the week doing church things. It means that if someone needs to meet with him that he’ll meet them for breakfast so that he protects his time with us at supper (we got this one from Andy Stanley,,, Doug Fields and Andy Stanley are two men whose family life/marriage that we have learned a lot from and respect… they’re worth looking into). It means that he leaves church at 5pm everyday so that he’s home in time to eat with us and have intentional time with the boys before bed… and me after they’re down. If he has a meeting that will last all night then he’ll take time off earlier in the day to be with us. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes it is hard having the schedule that he works off of. I don’t like having to get the boys ready for church every Sunday by myself. I don’t like when he’s gone a full week at some church event… but I know my husband is called to what he does and God has clearly gifted him to do it well so I want to support him in that. And since we have set boundaries to keep our family life and marriage from being steamrolled, I enjoy my role of being his support rather than resenting it.
So, if Michael and I were sitting down with you and your bf talking about what the future might look like for the two of you here are some ?s we would probably ask you. Describe to us what kind of marriage you want (don’t think about ministry… just dream here). Talk about what your expectations are with regards to being married while your husband is in ministry (you mentioned pursuing something in the arts…totally my heart, btw… what does that look like for you? how can you make that work within the ministry lifestyle?). Talk about what you NEED in your relationship (eg. I need Michael home at 5pm these days because that’s the time of day I start to lose my mind… thank you toddler and baby :)… I also need him to communicate with me about his church schedule… he always passes the calendar by my and our home schedule before it’s set in stone). This may be in regards to ministry and it may not be. Why are you (anonymous) worried that your man may not be around much if you’re married? Is this because he’s not around a lot right now? What steps can ya’ll take to work on this right now if it’s an issue… or prevent it from happening in the future? What couples do you know that are in ministry that have a marriage you respect? Talk to them… figure out how they do it and ask for their input.
I love my husband and I love (most days) that he is called to something so special. It’s hard to describe what it’s like to watch your man doing what you know he’s created to do. Such a special thing. But, I think it’s so wise that you’re thinking about all these things ahead of time. I think this stuff is so important so let me know if there’s anything else I can do to help. 🙂
Sarah, thank you so much this helps a lot! I don’t have too many people to talk to about this. I wouldn’t mind maybe chatting through email sometime feel free to email me at [email protected] we are a bit different then the typical couple I guess because we have different views in things etc. But feel free to email me!
Sarah, Thank you for such a wonderful post. I poses a lot of the same ideas as you do for your family and ministry. After reading through most of the posts I really enjoyed reading something so refreshing for others to learn from. My husband who is a lead pastor of a redeveloping church for the past year has really tried to follow a lot of what you talked about. It does not always work and usually a season or two we have to take extra time to make up for him not being around but it works pretty good. Our church is very excepting of any role I play along with my husband. I am lonely though just like almost everyone else has said. It is hard to have a really close relationship with in the church and our church is in the community quite a bit to that makes it difficult too. I do have close friends with in a phone call but as a stay at home mother with 2 little ones and a husband in full time ministry I long for the face to face relationships. You seem like you have a good balance with ministry and family but do you find you struggle with relationships too?
One scripture that keeps me sane as a pastor’s wife is Colossians 3:17 – “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.” There are nights when I have cried in despair and the only prayer I could utter was: “Lord Jesus, take me, take me now!” But I just have to remind myself that my husband and I are really serving Jesus, despite the conflict, drama, and downright meanness we face sometimes. One song that brings me comfort and hope is “It’s Not in Vain” by the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. What we do for Jesus is never in vain, and God is faithful to reward us in due time. Every ministry comes with challenges but joy is not too far behind. I believe that out of every 10 adversities, God gives us one victory that trumps the bitter experiences. It could be that one person who was on the verge of committing suicide, but because of your love and ministry is alive today and full of hope. We have an enemy, and he is behind all the strife and bitterness in the church, because he wants to discourage us from winning souls to Jesus. He knows he cannot steal our salvation, so he aims to quench the fire of God in our souls. Please hang in there with the Lord my sisters. We have a heavy burden to bear, but we are impacting lives that we may never know of until we get to heaven. In closing, I love the Desperate Pastors’ Wives series. It is a work of fiction but so real that you may even see yourself in it (I know I did). Laughter is good medicine for the heart, and I pray the humor behind those stories will bless and encourage you (if you have the time to read). If reading is not your thing, find something you enjoy doing and invest some time in it. Trust God to fight your battles and rest in His perfect will, knowing that you are so pleasing to Him. God bless you, my sisters.
The scripture that the Lord spoke to me recently is Deut.10: 18 ” The Lord set apart ” and we are called by Him to do his work in spite of betrayer, persecutions at times and even on going gossips or lack of appreciations.
My survival tactics apart from leaning on the Lord is bonding with other pastors wives with a group or at least one or two of them. The bonding helps me to set boundary with negative comments and influence. After praying and fellowship with the sisters that I love, I am more ready to deal with all these Satanic attacks from the enemy. I remind myself that it’s not them that against us, they are being deceived by the enemy as use them as tools to attack servants of God & our family. Then I am not bothered by them as much when I am in lined with God and loved ones having similar background and struggles.
I have only just become introduced to this blog but more importantly this blog post. It is so fitting for me at this moment. We have been pastoring 14yrs & I feel so lonely. I wish that someone somehow would understand the feelings & frustrations this role brings. I long for understanding. I long for someone to ask me to lunch just because they want to spend some time with me. I long (& maybe unrightly so) for some appreciation, a pat on the back that I am a good PW or just some sort of acknowledgement. I long for a real vacation where we can unplug without texts or calls. I long for a mentor that I can be real with. I long not to feel like a sore thumb in the room or that I don’t fit it in.
Overall we have a great church, filled with wonderful people but these longings still exist & I don’t suppose they will ever be filled. Is there hope for that?
Kelly
I understand your feelings. I have been a Pastor’s wife for 36 years and have dealt with all those emotions. We had now started a ministry for pastors and their wives to come alongside them and be that Ally for the Pastor and that Confidante for the wife. I would love to hear from you and come alongside you please feel free to email me at [email protected] or call me at 352-728-8179. Our ministry is called Care for Pastors http://www.careforpastors.org
Blessings,
Rodetta Cook
I was so glad to see this ministry offered. I have not found anything like this so far. My husband and I have been in ministry for 27 years and married for 25 this past week. We have now been the senior pastor for almost 7 years and the church is going through some personnel issues that have been there long before we ever came to the church. This church has fired/run off at least 2 pastors that I know of and now I have begun experiencing the same things with the same people the other pastor’s wife dealt with. The loneliness is almost more than I can bare sometimes. These things that are happening are out of his control as the deacons have controlled this church along with a couple of families for more than 40 plus years. I am dealing with resentment, anger, loneliness and heartache. I can’t vent with him because he deals with it enough and needs my encouragement. And when things start happening where people are choosing sides (never seems to be the Lord’s side) the people that you have prayed for, loved and ministered to will turn on you in a second. I actually received a call at work from a woman in the church trying to convince me that I had an abrasive personality and was running people off from the church, she complained that I never really wanted or tried to be her friend, begin pointing out everything she thought my husband did wrong and then ended the conversation by attacking my marriage saying we did not have a loving marriage because we hardly ever talked at work! To be perfectly honest, I am crediting God for the fact that I did not let this woman have it. What wife goes to her husbands office and chit chats and kisses and hugs on him. What did she want me to do to prove my husband and I are committed and love one another, make out on the pulpit! I mean really! I actually thanked her for her input and ended the phone call. I felt like a stray dog that had been kicked in the stomach. This was a lady that I hugged everytime I saw her.
I noticed there have been a few comments saying that they have had best friend/confidants in their churches but I really don’t believe at this point that exists. They may hold your confidence now, but once you do something or your husband does something they do not agree on all bets are off. I now go to church wondering where the knife in the back will come from next. I know God clearly called me and my husband to ministry. I am also a PK so I knew it would be hard. But, my parents have pastored for almost 40 years and never had these types of things happen to them. My mom actually is at a loss for words. I now am really struggling with God and wanting out of the church. I find myself trying to convince my gifted and anointed husband to find a way to minister in another type of job that is not the actual church. I just don’t want to be lonely and hurt anymore!
Kim
I totally understand your frustrations and emotions. Please give us a call and let us walk with you through these things, we’ve been there.
Praying for you
Rodetta Cook
http://www.careforpastors.org
352-728-8179
I have been, rather am a friend of several Pastor’s wives, and yes in the church we both were in. I am sorry that some Pastor’s wives are not able to have a good friend in the same place, but I understand the many reasons that one would do better to find one outside of the church they are in. It is a delicate line to walk…so many lay people expect the pastor, wife and family to be “perfect”…you are looked up to and unrealistic expectations are part of the package sad to say. Just want you to know that are are some lay people out there that will hold a confidence, know that your husband is truly just a man and you are truly just a woman, and that even tho he is anointed to teach and preach or lead worship or youth etc, that you live with him and see all the un-anointed parts……This layperson loves her pastor’s wife, will befriend her, listen to her pain and not divulge any of it…My prayer is that every Pastor’s Wife, find that friend and confidant that is so very much needed in their lives…someone who will pray for them, let them cry and rant, and love them even more! I pray that you have discernment to know a true friend when she comes into your life…they are rare, I know…but they are out there. Don’t walk in fear and even if you get a little singed around the edges sometimes don’t fear the fire…
Blessings, Blessings, Blessings my “friends”
Barbara
Thank you for being that confidante for your pastor’s wife. That is very rare and I want to say thank you for being there for her.
Blessings
Rodetta
Whew. I’m well into the seventh month of being a pastor’s wife and have loved getting to know the people in the congregation of our first position as pastor. There are some really loving and supportive people here. Today, was tough though, I got hit hard with a verbal attack that became a personal attack. I guess my skin isn’t as thick as some expect it to be and my sense of humor has a bit of a dent in it. My husband and I have been involved in ministry for many years and many churches (He did 21 years with the Air Force first) and we’ve seen disgruntled people but today was unexpected. I just want to go back and give big hugs to all the pastors and wives who needed a bit more encouragement and friendship. I didn’t realize until this moment the desire a wife has to have a girlfriend to talk with about the struggles of loving a man who is a pastor. If anyone is in Idaho…please let me know you’re out there. Putting my rose-colored glasses away now! (smile)
Janet
We have a ministry for pastors and their families and woud lve to connect with you. We have also have an initiative called The Confidant for pastors’ wives and this an encouragement ministry among wives that understand and hold each other up in prayer. We send weekly encouragement emails and would love to add you to our list. We also have a private Facebook group just for pastors’ wives which has been a blessing to many. Would love to hear from you my email is [email protected]
Blessings
Rodetta Cook
I have read through many of these comments with a heavy heart. The last few months of ministry for my husband has been challenging but has also been worth it for the growth I’ve seen in his spiritual life. As a pastor’s wife, we are to love our husbands, but first we are to love Jesus with all our heart, soul and strength. When the deepest longings of our heart are satisfied in Him, we will begin to experience a proper focus on Christ and identity in Christ. Psalm 25 has ministered to me more than any other scripture lately. My focus must be on serving and waiting for Christ alone. Only then will ministry be a joy. Being satisfied in Christ is the only thing that produces contentment and joy. This year, I am determined to lead others by simply loving Christ and allowing him to satisfy my soul.
love it. thanks for sharing, Jennifer.
For the past twenty years I have spent most of my Family Counseling time helping Pastors and their families. My heart goes out to the women who are writing here about loneliness and difficult relationships. I am offering any and ll of my written materials to church workers and their wives without charge. I also have many teaching videos on my web site about healthy relationships. If you go to my web and see a book or paper you want write me and I will send you an eBook free.www.sweetenlife.com