I am especially grateful to have the opportunity to hear from pastors’ wives since much of my focus is on pastors. In an informal survey, I simply asked the open-ended question: “What do you wish you had been told before you became a minister’s wife?”
Thank you to the pastors’ wives who were willing to give us such great feedback. And thanks to Chris Adams for doing the survey and to Amy Jordan for assembling the data.
The responses are in order of frequency. A representative comment follows each response.
- I wish someone had told me just to be myself. “I am a people-pleaser by nature, so for me, not being prepared to handle being a pastor’s wife with my personality was a heavy burden to carry early in our ministry.”
- I wish someone had prepared me to deal with criticism of my husband and me. “It was hard to deal with negative experiences, conflicts, or criticisms, especially in relation to my husband and our area of ministry. So I would harbor feelings of resentment when it came to ministry and my man.”
- I wish someone had reminded me that my husband is human. “I wish someone had told me that my husband could not be God for me. I was disillusioned at first to find out that he indeed is just a man.”
- I wish someone had told me that others were watching us (the glass house syndrome). “Even though they are watching us, we don’t need to be controlled by what they expect of us.”
- I wish someone had told me there are some really mean people in the church. “I was really surprised. I had to learn not to pay too much attention to them or they would get me down.”
- I wish someone had told me how much my husband needs me to build him up. “I need to be his cheerleader. Dealing with critics in the church is difficult. He needs to hear that I respect him now more than ever.”
- I wish someone had told me that my schedule will never be normal again. “Your husband will be very busy. Expect that. But come alongside him in the areas of time management and organization.”
One pastor’s wife told us that her role was like getting a job for which she never applied. She wrote this funny script in her response:
Husband: “Honey, I got you a job today.”
Wife: “Really? Okay, but I wasn’t looking for a job. I have plenty to do here running the household and raising the kids. That was our plan, right? Me stay home with the kids so you could fully dedicate yourself to the ministry.”
Husband: “Yeah, yeah. But I really need you take this job for me.”
Wife: “Well, okay, just tell me what to do and when it needs to be done by, and I will do everything I can to make it happen.”
Husband: “Well, right now there are no specific responsibilities. Basically, it’s just doing anything at church that no one else steps up to do or wants to do.”
Wife: “Oh my, that is a tall order. Okay, I’ll do it. I guess we could use the extra money anyway. Things are always tight around here on a pastor’s salary.
Husband: “Well, actually honey, there is no salary . . .”
What do you think of these seven responses? What would you add?
Posted on April 6, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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366 Comments
Hello psts wives, i hv bn a miisters wife for over 15years, in 2006 we begun an interdenominational pastos’ wives fellowship kenya where by we normally have an annual psts wives annual conference every last week of september on a friday and saturday. this year of 2015 it is scheduled on 25th and 26th of september. all psts wives are welcome. It is true that to be a psts wife is so challenging, the only place a pastor wife can get help is from the lord and from the pastors’ wives fellowship. i normally say that this is a job which you get without any training . may the lord help us to know that even before we became psts wives, we had a personal call as an individual to serve the Lord in order not to miss heaven!’ i have a passion of the pastors wives and the lord has been teaching me alot on the same. Am one of the pwf leaders in kenya. lets keep on praying for the psts wives because it is a very hard task but with God all things are possible. I appreciate all psts wives.
I have been merely dating a minister for 8 months but I’ve known him all my life. One of the hardest things I’ve had to endure is the criticism from the people at church because I am 9 years younger than him(he’s 40 and I’m 31). All I was prepared to do was date the man of God, but he just recently became a pastor and the mean things people say to me are so hurtful. What kind of advice would you give to a new couple in the ministry?
I’m a minister and my encounter is with Pastor’s wives who are always suspicious of single women or for the Pastor’s single men that attend their church. While there are some people including leaders that go to church or start a church for ungodly motives, not every single man or woman is after your spouse.
This seems to be rampant and should not be. Aren’t we all brothers and sisters in the Lord?
Specifically, pastor wives will be nice and after a couple of months, will distance themselves and begin treating me as though I did something wrong. This use to make me feel really bad as I would go over and over with did I do anything wrong. Only to find out that they are jealous of the relationships that their husband has in the church with other men and women. How can I serve under a pastor who’s wives are always jealous. There is nothing going on and a lot of single men that experience this as well as single women are fed up with pastors wives who are jealous hiding it from their husband and being phony.
So I now say hello and keep going. Our conversation use to be uplifting and I thought the pastor wife was for me, but I found she is not. How can she be, she’s jealous.
I think what pastor’s wives need to know is that at the end of the day… not every single women that attends your church is after your spouse. This hinders good relationships before it can develop. How can you say you love God whom you don’t see and not your brother whom you do?
Hi. I am not a pastor’s wife, but I am a follower of Christ Jesus, and married. My husband works approx. 78+ hours a week running our business and our employees are so critical– lonely is just one of the adjectives to describe it, b/c with a preschooler and Sunday as our only family day–my husband I always talking about work ( and plans for vacation) is just not edifying, encouraging nor romantic for our marriage, but we endure it (and I know this is the Lord intervening when we’ve done all we could) and we come together at some point and see God in it. My hopes were (and now) that the business would be opportunity to introduce others to Christ. I have read many of the stories on this blog which brought me so close to tears because I can very closely relate to many of their struggles- though you as pastors’ wives deal with it on a larger scale. As the wife and co-owner with my husband.. and with the employees knowing we are lovers of Christ, I too see how the employees have certain expectations of me, to justify their means. I have grown to forgive them, take it as a lesson to grow and pray for them & their salvation. I serve on the praise & worship team at my church and have a passion for intercessory prayer. However, I realize from past experiences at other churches that I’ve been a member of, except for 1 church in particular….that the first lady (except one) just wont my acts of love or kindness, though I was prayerful for them as a family- especially afer being able to so closely relate to their cares and concerns. It has been difficult to develop friendships because I would see how others treated the pastor and his wife, as well as other church members…I just can’t get myself to trust them with things I long to share…no heart friends in my life, but my husband, who has so much on his plate with the business, that I just take all of it to the Lord- and no, I don’t want a heart friend in my church either, because of being burnt by other people I thought loved me and were a godly friend. Today, I had a woman minister call my name just before leaving the sanctuary and just hugged and squeezed on me- told me that she loves me and just gonna keep loving me until I began to trust my church family to be my family…but that just confirmed the love of God that was in her heart from day one…we just clicked and always connected during services and fellowship at some point- I just want it to stay that way. But you know, I notice that when I come in contact with this loving lady, I noticed the First Lady would show up every time and intervene with our fellowship. She barely had any words to say to me…and her hugs and greeting to me were never sincere- I felt it because she couldn’t look me in the eye. To add that she sings in the praise & worship team- she switched from singing in the alto section to sing with the sopranos. I ‘ve prayed and asked the Lord to show me if it was me for the last 3-4 months and He showed me that it wasn’t. What should I do?
Hello ladies, I have been a pastor’s wife for 6 years and I must say, I am so relieved to know that there are other pastor’s wives out there who feel the same as I do. Don’t get me wrong, I am humbled that the Lord saw fit to call us to this position as Pastor and Wife/First Lady, but there are times when all I want to do is go in a corner, hide myself, isolate myself and cry. It is a journey that everyone was not called too, nor everyone is meant to be where we are. I truly thank each of you for being direct and unyielding in your feelings. Last year, I started a prayer and support line for Pastor’s wives only. It is a free conference call where we can unload, and pray together because only a pastor’s wife knows what she is going through. If you are interested in joining this prayer line, please leave a reply and I will check it daily. I will need your email address so that I can send you the conference line number. Currently we have been calling in on Tuesday evenings once a month. We would love to have you join us. May the good Lord forever give you strength for the task that you and your husband are on.
I was raised a PK and then married a man of God an have been serving by his side for 16 year this year. We currently pastor a church and have been there for 4 years. I can honestly say that you hit the nail on the head. Never ever did my parents have trust worthy friends and my mom was the lonely one of the two and still is. My mom told me Baby ministry is a lonely life but rewarding in the end. Wow was she ever right. Member are mean and rude. I told my husband I’m going to write a book one day. In all the training we went there in the Church of God none of it prepared us for what we have been threw in 16 years. Not only are member mean and rude so are other pastors and there wives. I pray daily for other ministers and there families. It’s not an easy life and its hard.
Ladies, I want to send encouragement and tell you that you share a very close kindred calling with spouses of political leaders and public officials. As the wife of a publicly-elected leader, I have experienced many of these facets a few years ago as a newcomer into the political arena. Surprisingly, I learned that many of the feelings and concerns were also shared among my peers (other spouses of legislative officials or public leaders).
Please know that the suffering and sacrifices you make as pastor wives do not go unnoticed or unappreciated by many of us political wives because we see you as sisters along side, stewarding a very demanding calling in a public role. In a nutshell, we understand you! :-).
Along the journey, I’ve learned a few things about how to manage this kind of lifestyle – – how to really thrive instead of merely surviving – – safeguarding margins, finding outlets of genuine support, handling criticism, expectations, what to do when the job/ministry becomes “the other woman” for your husband, etc.
If you need some encouragement from another wife who completely gets it, feel free to connect with me: [email protected] (Jer. 29:11)
This really hit home for me. I come across this site looking for something else and am so thankful this is where I ended up. I then realized that the book I am currently reading is by this author. I am a pastor’s wife in my early 30’s and I honestly have a lot of pain due to church members who can be extremely ugly and spread false gossip. I always felt the the Christian church should be my safe haven but it is entirely the opposite for me. I don’t even have the energy to explain all that I have been through. I am praying for a miracle in my church and for God to reveal things to me that I need to see differently. I pray that God will give me a great love for the hurtful people because they must be hurting from pains in their own life too to act the way they do. Other than a couple in my church who are old enough to be my parents, people aren’t seeing our big hearts and pure motivation and I think that this is because of what is going on in their own hearts. I must love them anyway and pray for God to help me do so, even at it’s hardest, even when I feel so so much pain because of them. My faith feels weak due to my struggles and hurts from supposed “Christ followers” and I pray often for God to give me the faith that I need. When I feel alone, which is often, I pray to God to reveal Himself to me. I think He is but for some reason I most often don’t see it. And when I think I do see it, something else hurtful happens and I think it is blinding me. Some scripture I recently read has shown me how to deal with some things I have been going through. Even when it’s hard because of my great pain, I must have faith that God is watching and he cares, even though I seem to have blinders on because of the fog the pain has placed in my eyes. I must also have faith that God is at work in all of this. Thank you for posting this site about pastors’ wives; I am interested in reading more of what you have posted.
Thanks for the article above. I have been Pastoring along with my husband for 9 years now, 4 of which was while we were on University campus. We started ministry while in school, and now we Pastor a church founded by my husband. I definitely share the feelings of some women here, and i sympathize with the ups and downs that comes with being in ministry and being a ministry wife.
All in all i am learning the place of the Holy Spirit in my life as a helper and teacher and very importantly the place of prayer. I think it is impossible to succeed as a ministry wife without prayer.
I have also learnt to always put God’s purpose first, knowing that as much as I am a good wife I obey God’s commands despite the response of lack of response from my husband. For me No 8 thing i wish i had been told is that “being a Pastor’s wife is like resuming at a university where you would have to learn daily”.
I used to be able to find good advice from your blog
articles.
these are all good things to be told and to be aware of when goind into ministry. i think an important thing that was very helpful to me was my husband’s insistance and teaching with the church board of our churches re what expectations were realistic of me and other staff wives and which were not.
for example, the whole concept that i should be doing whatever isn’t being done by other members is NOT a biblical one or a wise/realistic expectation!
just as the strengths of the pastor, your husband, are a gift to the church, so are your strengths. they can keep yo busy doing lots of stuff that keeps you busy or you can decide to do the things strategically that will be a wise use of your time both for the church and for your family.
the time you spend with your family won’t always be the most efficient time, but it will be the best for the growth and development of your family and for their spiritual growth as well. no one else will spend that time with your kids and spouse that you can.