Seven Things Pastors’ Wives Wish They Had Been Told Before They Became Pastors’ Wives

I am especially grateful to have the opportunity to hear from pastors’ wives since much of my focus is on pastors. In an informal survey, I simply asked the open-ended question: “What do you wish you had been told before you became a minister’s wife?”

Thank you to the pastors’ wives who were willing to give us such great feedback. And thanks to Chris Adams for doing the survey and to Amy Jordan for assembling the data.

The responses are in order of frequency. A representative comment follows each response.

  1. I wish someone had told me just to be myself. “I am a people-pleaser by nature, so for me, not being prepared to handle being a pastor’s wife with my personality was a heavy burden to carry early in our ministry.”
  2. I wish someone had prepared me to deal with criticism of my husband and me. “It was hard to deal with negative experiences, conflicts, or criticisms, especially in relation to my husband and our area of ministry. So I would harbor feelings of resentment when it came to ministry and my man.”
  3. I wish someone had reminded me that my husband is human. “I wish someone had told me that my husband could not be God for me. I was disillusioned at first to find out that he indeed is just a man.”
  4. I wish someone had told me that others were watching us (the glass house syndrome). “Even though they are watching us, we don’t need to be controlled by what they expect of us.”
  5. I wish someone had told me there are some really mean people in the church. “I was really surprised. I had to learn not to pay too much attention to them or they would get me down.”
  6. I wish someone had told me how much my husband needs me to build him up. “I need to be his cheerleader. Dealing with critics in the church is difficult. He needs to hear that I respect him now more than ever.”
  7. I wish someone had told me that my schedule will never be normal again. “Your husband will be very busy. Expect that. But come alongside him in the areas of time management and organization.”

One pastor’s wife told us that her role was like getting a job for which she never applied. She wrote this funny script in her response:

Husband: “Honey, I got you a job today.”

Wife: “Really? Okay, but I wasn’t looking for a job. I have plenty to do here running the household and raising the kids. That was our plan, right? Me stay home with the kids so you could fully dedicate yourself to the ministry.”

Husband: “Yeah, yeah. But I really need you take this job for me.”

Wife: “Well, okay, just tell me what to do and when it needs to be done by, and I will do everything I can to make it happen.”

Husband: “Well, right now there are no specific responsibilities. Basically, it’s just doing anything at church that no one else steps up to do or wants to do.”

Wife: “Oh my, that is a tall order. Okay, I’ll do it. I guess we could use the extra money anyway. Things are always tight around here on a pastor’s salary.

Husband: “Well, actually honey, there is no salary . . .”

What do you think of these seven responses? What would you add?

 

Posted on April 6, 2013


With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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366 Comments

  • First of all this probably wont post because the adding at the top of this post isn’t working.
    I’ve been a pastors wife for many years. I LOVE THE MINISTRY. However, the things that hurt are what cut deeply.
    My husband prays in a second with anyone, but never prays with me. His sermons are getting dull
    and I want to retire. He does not.
    It would be nice to know, he would put me before the church but just let me say one word about a precious board member …to him alone….and who is it he defends? You got it. I feel like a vase that is there for show, and he doesn’t care whether I make it to heaven or not. Forget the talks…we’re way past that.

  • I wish someone had told me too that I would be so lonely. If I didn’t have friends outside our church in a local homeschool group, I’d probably go insane. I would love to be friends with the girls in our church but no one wants to be friends with me. I chose to homeschool my children and I’m supportive of parents having a choice in their child’s education but instead I feel like that choice divides me from the others. They stop talking when I’m around. I’m not like the previous, well-loved pastor’s wife. When people are upset at my husband for speaking truth from the Bible and can’t find something to criticize him about, they slander me and my children in hopes that we’ll leave. No one in church has had to see their husband (who has given his whole life to minister to others) broken over the silly, petty things people get upset about. Christ must be ashamed of the state of his church. One of my closest friends (a pastors wife in another church) recently had to pack her family and move 4 hours away after being forced out of their church. It’s a travesty. The families are hurt, the children are hurt, and most of all, the cause of Christ and his church are hurt.

  • The Bible says the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective, yet something extraordinary happens when two or more agree together in prayer. In Matt. 18:19, Jesus said, “If any two of you agree touching any matter on this earth, it shall be done.” Post your prayer request below and believe that God is going to move mightily in your life as others from around the world pray in agreement with your request! You can also contact one of our email on [email protected] god bless you

  • By reading all this comments, I am happy to know that I am not the only one going through tough issues as a pastor’s wife. I have been married to a pastor for 5.6 years now and we are in our early thirties. This is the loneliest time I have ever had in my life. We have a young ministry that we started ourselves and is only 4 years old with a membership of 40people. I work as a secretary and any extra money always goes to ministry work. So far we always pay most of the expenses in the church which has been a tough time. Our first son is now 4years and was born prematurely and had to be in hospital for one month. Our second born was also born prematurely and passed on after a week because his lungs had not matured and his heart was week. Any time i get pregnant, i always suffer from blood pressure during the last trimester which results to the baby being removed early. You know members will always expect you to be there for them in times of trouble but they always forget that the pastor and his family are also humans and they should also try their best to be there for them. In my 5 years, it has been a time of difficulty and hurts and yet I never find someone I can share with my thoughts, pains and struggles but only turning to God. Most of the time you however feel you need someone to talk to physically. My husband appreciates what I do and is very supportive but deep inside me I feel very lonely and sad. I lead worship in church and he always pushes me to do more but most of the time my body feels exhausted after working throughout the week and he usually gets upset and says i should be more supportive in church. He is a full time pastor but sometimes i feel he does not appreciate what i do for the church

    This forum has helped me see other ladies going through the same situations.

  • diane turner says on

    Also, when I say we live 45 minutes away, I mean that we live in the same town because we are both in college. Not living together. Not until marriage! Just clarifying just in case. 🙂

  • diane turner says on

    I am 20 years old and currently dating a young man who is also 20 and a youth pastor. We both serve at the same church, I am the worship leader for the youth. I was overseas for 5 and a half months and a few months after returning, we started dating with the intention of getting married. It’s been a very hard year. From dealing with the transition of coming back to the States, and going into ministry together as a couple, it’s been challenging. I’ve got a glimpse of just how hard it is to be a youth pastor’s wife or a pastor’s wife. I’ve been in this new church for almost 9 months. The pastor’s wife has been amazing at talking to me and being a wonderful example of what it looks like to be a pastor’s wife but other than that, only one older woman has spoken to me and one mother of the youth, and very rarely. As the woman youth leader and worship leader at our church, that has been very discouraging. There are many issues in our church that I’ve heard some about. It’s a very split church and I’ve questioned if I should leave or not. But I’ve stayed for the sake of the girls in the youth and my boyfriend needing support. He is so beat up after leaving every Sunday. It breaks my heart and I don’t know what to say half the time. It’s like I’m a broken record, “Sweety, trust in the Lord and His timing. We’re here for a reason. Everything will work out according to His plan.” But secretly, I’m so discouraged and dread going every week. We also live 45 minutes away and he’s not paid for being the youth pastor. He also is called the “intern” as he is a bible major and studying to be a pastor. Many times, he has got a text from our pastor on Saturday night telling my boyfriend to be ready to preach to the congregation in the morning. It has made me very hurt to see my boyfriend have to be discouraged from the youth, the lack of intentional people and friendships in our church, and the randomness of our preacher. I love our preacher to death but my boyfriend needs time to prepare and get in the Word that week. He deserves more notice than the night before. Am I wrong for thinking that? I can’t even imagine trying to get up in front of the congregation not fully prepared. I would be hurt and embarrassed, and trying to trust in the Lord to give me the words to say.
    Not only that, but my boyfriend is just so worn down and beat up after Sunday is coming to a close. What do I do??? I have seen so many comments saying they would not marry a pastor if they could go back/ they wouldn’t recommend anyone to do it.

    I love him very much and try to be as supportive and encouraging as possible and although ministry is very hard, I believe that it is worth it for the Kingdom. Advice is welcome! Thank you.

    • I am so overwhelm at the good & bad comments that is written. Although, I am engaged to a Senior Pastor of his own church, I am praying that you believe God equip his men for “the call”. If the Pastor is called so will God equip his helpmate for strength, for encouragement, and a testimony to help many women in the churches that your husband have been “called” to preach. Consider it a blessing!

      Pastoring is not a job you start today and quit tomorrow. God called you to do his assignment and that is the bottom line. Wife is the backbone to support her husband and be there for him as he is lead by God instruction. God will take care of you for doing what he called you to do “helpmate” be strong in the Lord and pray for what you desire for the good and not pray for God to help the women who aches your heart but to pray that God gives YOU what you need to deal with this in the most meekness way.

      My future husband has told me what he expect of me as his wife. I am chosen God for him and he wants me to be his helpmate not the church members. I’ve am anointed to lead the dance ministry at my own church and will not join his congregation until we are married but as his wife; handling church politics, members, staff is his job and the appointed ones that is already in place. I will still dance for the Lord as God lead the way but I am to pray for my husband, give him support as I do now. Prayer is the key in our relationship as we do now and it will continue to be.

      To be a Pastor wife you have to be strong, have tough skin and be an example. Support your husband and pray those who come up against him… including your household to be covered as gives us all gifts like no other. I am a Christian and being apart of the body of Christ didn’t happen over night, being his wife should not change you in doing the ministry that God has assigned us all as people of God to ministry to all of his people. Pray for strength and be honest with yourself and God in your prayers. Forcing your husband to leave is like telling him to turn his back on God assignment that he was called to do, not the church folks or the giants that is within some of the ones that are hurting inside as well. That is the reason for people coming to the church house; to be healed, delivered, overcome sin and be apart of the body of Christ.

  • thank you, dr. rainer, for this perfect post. as i read thru the comments, i see so many young pastors’ wives searching for support and mentorship. i am by no means an expert, but the Lord laid it on my heart last summer to start a blog for pastors’ wives and other women in ministry.
    http://www.fishbowleffect.blogspot.com
    i launched it in January, and am blessed and amazed at God’s continued faithfulness in providing me with ‘topics’. i was extremely intimidated at the prospect of keeping up a blog, but if God calls you, He equips you, right?
    my husband (a family and youth pastor at our church in central texas) reads your blog on a regular basis, and forwards entries to me often. 🙂
    thanks for all you do!

  • I wish someone had told me what I can do when someone says something untrue about my husband and puts it on facebook – or worse, just insinuates things. Right now we are just leaving it alone and not engaging with this person. I don’t understand my own reaction of fearfulness because I absolutely know we have done nothing wrong even in a small way. He is planning on sharing this with elders and then speaking to the person (who is a “fringe” member of the congregation), but this person seems to be unstable. Any body have a similar experience? Any suggestions?

  • I came here looking for help to understand my feelings. This has really helped! One thing I would add that I experience is that I feel left out of meetings where people talk about and decide things that effect my life all the time. I’m not invited to any such meetings. Helping my husband with the music ministry is the center of my life. I want it that way because I’m a musician myself and in the band. It makes me happy. But I can’t help being involved in various aspects of the music. And any changes to the music ministry has a big impact on my life. But I’m not the Music Minister so I’m not invited to meetings with the senior minister, or meetings with all the other Jr. Ministers, even though I give my whole life to this church. I keep trying to back off and give less so that I feel less resentful. It’s such an aweful feeling to never get to express my opinions and concerns except through my husband, and have him come back and tell me what was decided. I feel so invisible, like no one even notices that I have no voice. When there are interpersonal issues like slander against me and I hear that there is “malicious gossip” about me, I still have no voice. One of the female Jr. Ministers seems to do all she can to vote “wives” out of social events, and she sure seems to enjoy it when she gets to spend time with my husband alone. She even tells me I am bad for him. But I have no recourse because I can’t gossip and I can’t mess up their professional relationship which includes the jobs they have outside the church. He depends on the customers she sends to him. All the Jr. Ministers meet together and when I first married my husband they had a meeting without me about whether or not I should be allowed to sing on stage because my husband’s ex-wife who left him was upset at him getting re-married. I just can’t seem to get over the pain of all this after two years of trying. Of course there is also the loneliness from being in a new city and not being able to confide in anyone. Right now I’m just separated from my Husband because I can’t take the pain any more of not feeling like I have a say in my own life. And yet, no one is doing anything wrong or inappropriate (except maybe the other female Jr. Minister). It’s just a circumstance of being only the “wife”.

  • NOT a pastors wife says on

    To Pastors Wives,
    This comment is from someone who is on the other side of the issue…a person who is not and has never
    been married to a pastor. There is a possibility that you, as pastors wives, COULD be overly sensitive
    to things and even imagine things are happening when they are not. Of course, I’m sure many things really
    do happen that should not and disrespect for a pastor or his wife is a big issue and should NEVER happen.
    Consider what has happened to me over the course of several years in my church. One day I was in the
    church office taking care of some business when I saw my pastors wife at her desk. I innocently asked how
    her middle daughter was doing, not knowing that this daughter was making some wrong choices and hooked
    up with bad relationships. I just wanted to know because I had this girl in my class when I was a substitute
    teacher at the church school. It was a very innocent question. I did not know anything and assumed she may
    have left town to attend college in another city. This pastors wife gave me a funny look and even then I did
    not realize I had stepped on her toes. I am not the type to go fishing for gossip. If I had known at the time I
    would have prayed for this girl more and I would have had compassion on her. My own daughter had her son
    before marriage. I don’t condone that behaviour but I certainly love my daughter no matter what and expect
    the pastor and his wife to feel the same way about their children. I have counseled pregnant unmarried girls
    at a pregnancy pro life center for years and in no way am I trying to be judgemental about someone elses
    struggling child. Another time not long after I went riding around town trying to get ideas of paint colors for our
    home. I like to see colors on houses that may be similar to mine so usually if I want to change the colors I’ll
    go riding around in similar neighborhoods. I happened to be in their neighborhood….I know what neighborhood
    they live in but have never been to their house and am not even sure exactly which house belongs to them.
    I did not even realize I was near their house until I saw the pastors wife turning into the neighborhood. I was
    surprised to see her and waved and smiled and she glared at me like she was suspicious of me. Several days
    later while outside I looked up and saw her riding in my subdivision looking at my house but I don’t think she saw
    me.. Understand, the only reason you would ride on my street is if you were going somewhere
    on that street because it is in the back of the neighborhood, not “on the way” to anywhere else. Since then,
    she has made mean remarks that have gotten back to me. It got so bad I left because I realized the pastor was
    taking part in this all based on an assumption of something that never happened. I just want to worship God and serve him. I’m not trying to take someones place or find “dirt” on anyone. Why can’t the church just act like
    the church. Sure, we are only human. But that can get to be an excuse after awhile. Remember, not every one
    is watching everything you do as pastors wives. More often than not we admire you and think you are doing a
    great job. Don’t always make enemies where there are none. Most of you knew when you married that your
    spouse would be a pastor. And believe me, most of us do not expect your families to be perfect. There is NO such thing.
    The thing that bothers me most is not that you don’t have perfect kids or lives or whatever. The thing that bothers
    me most is that you often try to make us believe that you do when you don’t. We would much rather know
    that we are not the only ones with less than perfect families but by the grace of God we can still have happy
    families. I have a wonderful husband but we are so different on so many levels. We have one child that struggles more than the others. We are not as judgemental as you think we are….at least not most of us.

    • M. R. Howell says on

      I do understand the difficulty of what occurred between you and the pastor’s wife. But possibly a candid conversation may have taken care of that entire situation. As far as the posts of others on this site, it is rather unfair of anyone to imply that their situations may be of their own imaginings just because of the isolated incidents that occurred in your situation. The difficult thing for pastor’s families is the fact that they live in glass houses. People see in, and the pastor’s family also sees out. The difference sometimes is that the pastor and his wife are seeing out to be able to help others in their situations. But unfortunately, those that are seeing into the pastor’s family situation do not always have the understanding heart to say, they experience life’s problems, too.

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