I am especially grateful to have the opportunity to hear from pastors’ wives since much of my focus is on pastors. In an informal survey, I simply asked the open-ended question: “What do you wish you had been told before you became a minister’s wife?”
Thank you to the pastors’ wives who were willing to give us such great feedback. And thanks to Chris Adams for doing the survey and to Amy Jordan for assembling the data.
The responses are in order of frequency. A representative comment follows each response.
- I wish someone had told me just to be myself. “I am a people-pleaser by nature, so for me, not being prepared to handle being a pastor’s wife with my personality was a heavy burden to carry early in our ministry.”
- I wish someone had prepared me to deal with criticism of my husband and me. “It was hard to deal with negative experiences, conflicts, or criticisms, especially in relation to my husband and our area of ministry. So I would harbor feelings of resentment when it came to ministry and my man.”
- I wish someone had reminded me that my husband is human. “I wish someone had told me that my husband could not be God for me. I was disillusioned at first to find out that he indeed is just a man.”
- I wish someone had told me that others were watching us (the glass house syndrome). “Even though they are watching us, we don’t need to be controlled by what they expect of us.”
- I wish someone had told me there are some really mean people in the church. “I was really surprised. I had to learn not to pay too much attention to them or they would get me down.”
- I wish someone had told me how much my husband needs me to build him up. “I need to be his cheerleader. Dealing with critics in the church is difficult. He needs to hear that I respect him now more than ever.”
- I wish someone had told me that my schedule will never be normal again. “Your husband will be very busy. Expect that. But come alongside him in the areas of time management and organization.”
One pastor’s wife told us that her role was like getting a job for which she never applied. She wrote this funny script in her response:
Husband: “Honey, I got you a job today.”
Wife: “Really? Okay, but I wasn’t looking for a job. I have plenty to do here running the household and raising the kids. That was our plan, right? Me stay home with the kids so you could fully dedicate yourself to the ministry.”
Husband: “Yeah, yeah. But I really need you take this job for me.”
Wife: “Well, okay, just tell me what to do and when it needs to be done by, and I will do everything I can to make it happen.”
Husband: “Well, right now there are no specific responsibilities. Basically, it’s just doing anything at church that no one else steps up to do or wants to do.”
Wife: “Oh my, that is a tall order. Okay, I’ll do it. I guess we could use the extra money anyway. Things are always tight around here on a pastor’s salary.
Husband: “Well, actually honey, there is no salary . . .”
What do you think of these seven responses? What would you add?
Posted on April 6, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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366 Comments
I want to thank everyone who has shared their feelings, because as many have said..”I don’t feel so alone”. My husband is in his fourth year of pastoral ministry and we just moved six months ago to our new church assignment. Love the new town and the people are much kinder that in our last church, yet – loneliness remains. I am very, very thankful for my new neighbor as she is a doll and seems to enjoy doing things with me as much as I do with her. She’s not very spiritual, but she is special!
I agree with many of the PWs here that loneliness would be #1 or very close. But not just for me but for my husband too. Many people are “friendly” but not friends. Many of the ladies where we are now (2 small churches) are very nice, friendly and probably the closest I have had to “friends” but I know I hold back in fear of saying the wrong thing which might make them look at my husband negatively. I ache for him because he doesn’t have even that closeness here altho he did at the 2 churches we previously served. We serve in a rural area and it’s not easy to find people outside the church to be friends with because everyone knows everyone else. We are blessed here because our churches like us so maybe overlook our “humanness”. My heart really goes out to the PWs who serve at churches with such mean spirited people.
My wife just wants a friend. Ministry can be a lonely place.
Hi Rich. Where are you guys located at? I will happily be her online friend if she wants to email me.. It can be a very lonely life, so I understand.
I have been a pastor’s wife for 45 years. There have been some difficult times and some really wonderful times. I grew up in a pastor’s home. My mother taught me that if we love our church members, they will love us. I find this has been true in my life. I know there are some difficult churches and situations. We have experienced some difficulties. In these times, God has drawn me nearer and there were times I felt His breath upon my hair and face. I used to try to read the Bible through in one year, now it takes me longer but it is such a sweet Book to my heart. Miinisters don’t raise perfect children but our two do love the Lord and I took the responsibiltiy of reading God’s Word to them at night when my husband was out visiting church members. I played the piano for church when no one else was there to play. I have 3 sisters that played for their church for years…one for 62 years. I have never wanted to feel my position was be recognized as above my husband’s position. I have taught in Vacation Bible School, Sunday School, worked with senior citizens and probably some other areas. Now that I am older, I tell those that ask that I don’t do everything. I pick the things I feel I am able to do and just say no to those I do not enjoy doing or don’t think that is the right thing for me to do. I am myself. I learned from my mother that I don’t have to say everything I think…even to my husband. I know how to knit, crochet, I love to read and can entertain myself. I think this is important. Learn to garden, or read good books, invite people into your home for a meal, or visit shut-ins. There are many ways to not be lonely. This may sound as my life has been without problems. It has not. I have seen my husband become addicted to morphine and pain pills after breaking his leg and be delivered from that. There have been many difficult times in our marriage but God is faithful and will bring you through it. As for friends in churches, my husband pastored 6 churches and we have friends in every church that we still stay in contact with. We have pastor friends and family. I don’t think there is any greater honor in any work than being a pastor’s family or missionary family. I thank God for His calling and am sad to not see many youth surrendering to that call anymore. I pray that each one that posted above find peace and love and purpose in serving God!
I wish i knew how people are mean and people criticize my husband for their own fault. Its hard to watch. They twist his sermon and take it personally. They don’t like when he preach about sin. But at-least there are good people too and they will cheer you up when you feel down.
I have been dating my boyfriend who is in seminary to be a pastor. We are in a bit if an odd spot because I am really not religious. Reading these posts kind of make me worry of our future together and if we were to get married how would people feel of a pastor marrying someone who isn’t religious? I would not change who I am just to please these ridiculous expectations the church has on the pastor and his wife. I am an artist I gave tattoos and I don’t plan on hiding myself because no one is perfect.
Lindsay,
I don’t think being religious is the issue. The issue will be are you a Christian? Have you asked Jesus to come into your heart and be the Lord of your life? Where is he in seminary? If he is studying to be a pastor he knows that in a marriage the Lord says not to be unequally yolked. Meaning Christian should not marry non-christians or those who don’t share the same faith. There are a lot of religious people in the church and those are the folks that will critic everything you do as a pastor’s wife. I have seen a lot of ministers today that do have tattoos and there are places that can be ministered in, but you need to be sure about God calling you to be married to someone who is comiiting their life to service in ministry.
This is a serious question that you have raised, Lindsay. I think that it would be a good idea to read the Bible, perhaps the early parts of the Gospels according to Mark and Luke, which record the story of Jesus’ birth. Then read more in the first four books of the New Testament to find out who this Jesus, whom your boyfriend is planning to work for, is. Honestly, I see heartache and disaster ahead for both of you if you continue on this course without deep agreement on what is fundamental in life: one’s relationship with God through the person and work of Jesus Christ. Jesus came to earth with a mission. From the baby in the stable He became a man who lived a perfect, sinless life. Then He offered that sinless life on our behalf on the cross. It’s like we owed an infinite debt on a credit card and He paid that debt off with His life. If we are sorry for the bad things we’ve done and believe that He paid the price for those things, we are forgiven by God, have the peace of His presence here on earth, and live forever with Him in heaven. This is what Christianity is. Your boyfriend, as a pastor, will be responsible for telling other people about Jesus and be expected to live a good life himself as an example of what a Christian man is. People will look to his wife for the same things. She and his children will be watched to see whether they’re living up to what he preaches. It might not be fair, but it’s what people do. I think that you should sit down with your boyfriend and have a serious talk about the differences in what you believe. Is he aware of your feelings about something that is so much a part of his life?
Well I personally don’t think that is fair to put such unrealistic expectations on a pastor and his family. People are people and people are flawed and religion is flawed as God isn’t perfect. People can judge all they want but neither me or my boyfriend will change who we are just because he is going into ministry. It’s sad how a church can be one of the most judgmental places but the refuse to admit to their own faults.
It has been awhile since I have been on here but noticed Lindsays post and had to comment.
Lindsay, I am going to be straight to the point with you as I can see that is what you expect from people. I am not here to judge you at all but I do feel the need to say that if you do not give your life to the Lord and become born again then you will bring your boyfriend down as well as yourself if you chose to marry. He will either continue to grow in his faith and the two of you will grow apart, or he will leave the faith and follow your path of not being very religious, Your words not mine!
Now being a Pastors wife is not bad if you have friends outside of the church that your boyfriend/husband will be preaching at. It’s when you have no friends outside of the church that life becomes a little lonely. Also, learn to say the word NO. As in realize you have to have time for yourself and your personal life. My husband preaches at two churches. I alternate between the two. One church is slightly jealous of the other and I have heard that they say that we favor the other church. Now I have never said that or showed that and I just let it roll off of my shoulders.. Just consider the source of the trouble and learn to ignore them. Sometimes it feels like you are back in school with some of the people and how they act. People are not perfect but ” God is Perfect ” He will bring you through this if you give your life to him and learn to trust him.
Blessings,
Rhonda
Lindsay,
I don’t know if you will see this but I wanted to comment just in case (and for other readers). I’m not what most people on this forum would call a Christian either. I strongly feel that people should marry someone with whom they share the same beliefs about the purpose of life. Otherwise, it’s like trying to build a house together but you’re working off of two different blueprints. I trust you and your boyfriend know yourselves and will make the right decision for you.
I wish I would have know that other women in the church, even (especially) other pastor’s wives, would hurt me more than anyone else. I feel that our lead pastor’s wife takes advantage of me; to be honest, I feel like her personal punching bag. I know it’s difficult for her to “be real” with most women in the church. I understand that she feels comfortable with me, and that she can let her guard down in our relationship. She feels free to reserve her worst flaws and her worst moods for me. And, most days, that’s okay. Honestly. I’m relieved that she has an outlet. I’m thankful she has at least one relationship in which she doesn’t feel the need to filter her appearance, her words, and her actions. But, sometimes, it really, really hurts. And, yes, it’s lonely, too. I wouldn’t think of ever talking to another woman about it, and I hate to burden my husband with my hurt feelings. What can he do? I sometimes long for him to defend me, but it wouldn’t do any good. It would cause more hurt for more people. So, I keep it to myself and cry about it when my husband isn’t home.
It’s also confusing. I like to think that she and I are friends; she calls me her friend. But I feel like she’s my superior. Doesn’t friendship feel like equal footing? Give and take? Mutual respect? None of those things describe our relationship or at least the way I experience our relationship. I wish it were different. It makes me so incredibly sad and confused.
In my former life (pre-marriage and pre-ministry), I felt useful. I felt like God had gifted me with specific talents. I felt like He had a plan and purpose for my life. Now I feel marginal and little and insignificant. I sometimes believe that my purpose in this church is to be a doormat. And, believe me, I know how much that says about my relationship with God these days. It says that I’ve placed my worth in other things and in other people. It says that I’m looking somewhere other than to Him to be made whole. That’s on me. Not on her. I know.
I feel that I should end by telling all of you that my pastor’s wife loves Jesus. She loves her husband and her family. She loves and serves our church well. At the end of the day, she’s just a sinner in need of grace, and so am I. I love her, and I want to support her. But the question was “what do you wish you had known.” And this is what I wish I had known.
Hi Janie. I’m so sorry that your going through this. Are
you a pastors wife, or does your husband work for/in a church for a
living? I understand that you care for your Pastors wife, but you
do not deserve to be anybodys personal punching bag. I will be
praying for you.. If you would like an email friend I’m here, just
let me know. As you can see we are all pretty much in similiar
situations one way or another. Blessings to you, Rhonda
I wish I would have know that other women in the church, even (especially) other pastor’s wives, would hurt me more than anyone else. I feel that our lead pastor’s wife takes advantage of me; to be honest, I feel like her personal punching bag. I know it’s difficult for her to “be real” with most women in the church. I understand that she feels comfortable with me, and that she can let her guard down in our relationship. But she reserves her worst character flaws and her worst moods for me. And, most days, that’s okay. Honestly. I’m relieved that she has an outlet. I’m thankful she has at least one relationship in which she doesn’t feel the need to filter her appearance, her words, and her actions. But, sometimes, it really, really hurts. And, yes, it’s lonely, too. I wouldn’t think of ever talking to another woman about it, and I hate to burden my husband with my hurt feelings. What can he do? I sometimes long for him to defend me, but it wouldn’t do any good. It would cause more hurt for more people.
It’s also confusing. I like to think that she and I are friends; she calls me her friend. But I feel like she’s my superior. Doesn’t friendship feel like equal footing? Give and take? Mutual respect? None of those things describe our relationship or at least the way I experience our relationship. I wish it were different. It makes me so incredibly sad.
In my former life (pre-marriage and pre-ministry), I felt useful. I felt like God had gifted me with specific talents. I felt like He had a plan and purpose for MY life. Now I feel marginal and little and insignificant. I honestly believe that my purpose in this church is to be her doormat. And, believe me, I know how much that says about my relationship with God these days. It says that I’ve placed my worth in other things and in other people. It says that I’m looking somewhere other than to Him to be made whole. That’s on me. Not on her. I know.
I feel that I should end by telling all of you that my pastor’s wife loves Jesus. She loves her husband and her kids. She serves our church well. At the end of the day, she’s just a sinner in need of grace, and so am I. I love her, and I want to support her. But the question was “what do you wish you had known.” And this is what I wish I had known.
Hi all! I just want to say that I am really struggling right now. Not as much with loneliness in the church, although I do get lonely at home missing my husband sometimes, but with certain issues in ministry of opposition with me doing God’s work because they are stuck on traditions of men and vain chantings (same doxology every single Sunday), and they want their way. This includes problems with back-biting and what feels like people ganging up on me in an unspoken manner (Although, this did come out in the open when one of the ladies–who should know better because her Dad was a pastor–felt it ok to give me a tongue-lashing Sunday for doing children’s church and things that are different than what they are used to). Also, I have a hard time with people saying that I need to support my husband, but how can I support him when I am drowning? It almost seems insensitive when people say that, even though they mean well. That all being said, my husband sent me this link about pastor’s wives saying what they wished they were told before becoming a pastor’s wife. Problem is, I didn’t want to leave our church home and I have come to this church strictly out of obedience with many tears and at times even some sobbing. My ministries include singing and working with children. We came from a medium-large healthy church where the ministries God put me in were thriving. We watched the church grow right before our very eyes. Now, the ministries God has given me are lacking and I feel like I am starving to do them. I loved what we did before and that included evangelizing at other churches. He preached and I sang. I feel like even if we went back to our previous church, which probably won’t happen anytime soon (maybe someday), people there would look at us differently unless we wait a long time to go back. Also, people try to say “Now that you are in the ministry…”, when we have already been in the ministry for many years and I was very much in the public eye. Please pray. Thank you!
I just wanted to add: It’s as if some of those who should, don’t understand/care (?) about all of the people dying and going to hell. They just want to stay in their comfort zone.
Ok, please tell me that I am not the only one to experience the work of the Deceiver through Facebook Posts? Our church is going through a personnel issue and there have literally been NON-Church Members creating FB Pages and Conversations in support of a staff member that our deacons and personnel committee felt needed to be put on leave for re-evaluating. There are some serious issues that of course non of these people know about but they are jumping in and commenting on things they have no clue about! People have no clue how some of the junk they post or comment on is perceived. Take the time to really have some discernment! That is what is lacking in so many Christians today. They have no discernment! Posting scripture and constant holy talk on your FB status no more makes you spiritually mature or even Christian then sitting in a garage makes you a car! These people are posting all their pitiful me stories with “oh but God will see me through” because they are grasping for people to give them attention and support their cause. Have some guts and actually do these things face to face! It has remained very difficult for me seeing lies posted about my husband and our deacons and even having comments posted about their integrity and spiritual lives all over the web. It is pretty serious to me that someone has the nerve and no Fear of God that they would question someone relationship and motives with the Lord! The difficult thing is to not jump on FB and post that actual truth about these issues that would blow some folks mind and are things this minister would not want publicly known but I pray every day that the Lord gives me the strength and spiritual maturity not to stoop as low as them. I just hate the way FB went from a form of media to connect with one another to using it for causes. I used to like it just so I could reconnect with family and friends and could see pictures of babies, grand babies etc…and enjoy, but it is no longer that way. I know that as a pastor/minister’s wife or minister’s family there is no one to really confide in or talk to but let me assure you Facebook/Twitter is not the place to share your deepest hurts/thoughts or your issues with other Christians. We should be able to confront and deal with each other face to face in love and authority.
I want to say thank you to Jesus. Thank you, Savior, for helping me in this difficult circumstance. Thank you for helping me see you at work in my heart. I know that it is You who has given me strength to keep my eyes on You. I pray for all these ladies who are struggling through similar circumstances of mean people in the church who only want to satisfy their desires and not yours. I pray that you would help each woman to focus on You and what you are doing to change them to make them more like you. That’s what brings You glory…. If you suffered to the point of death, I must walk that path as well. Show me the way.
Friends, this is a spiritual battle. My husband and I are not in a good place. We’ve been at this church for a little over a year. The honeymoon was over very quickly, and we have managed to focus on why God called us here. Over the last 2 months though we have had many people say very ugly things to my husband about him and his ministry. We have families leaving the church because they don’t agree with my husband. We have people questioning my husband just because people are leaving…almost to the point of “mob mentality”. Most of these people do not have valid reasons for their critiques like many of you have said. We’ve also been betrayed by people we thought were our friends. The gossip in this church and town are horrible. I have had physical symptoms of the stress increase during this time, and I wish it would all go away. Thankfully, Jesus reminds me of the truths in His word to help combat the lies with which Satan is filling my mind. One of the best resources outside of the Bible that has helped me is a book called Well-Intentioned Dragons by Marshall Shelley. Well worth the time and easy to read. Praying for you all!
After reading a lot of the comments here I can’t help but think some of the problems going on in your churches by people (that cause you hurt) are related to the form of church government you have or are directly related to poor pastoring by the lead pastor who should be in a position to weed out ungodly people from being an influence. If the Pastor were to take care of divisive people, carnal people with biblical discipline then the influence of godly people would take root. Churches where the Pastor is too afraid to confront will suffer all kinds of problems. Scripture talks about guarding the PURITY of the Church for good reason.
Louise,
My husband is the lead pastor and has been the first one to stand up to the ungodly people in 20 plus years. That is the difficulty. The last two pastors did not face conflict or address issues and they ran him off. Now, my husband stands up and has no problem addressing issues and people and that is possibly what will make the church finally healthy but the pastor’s family is the one who suffers through all the growth/weeding process. Discipling those members who have never stood up to the these people to finally do the right thing and confront them. That is what is going on and those people don’t have the power anymore and that backs them into a corner and you know what snakes do when they are backed in corner? They STRIKE! It is just the process that has to happen but unfortunately the things being done and said leave some really lasting hurts that is really hard to shake.
Thank you, Kim!
Rachelle,
What are you thanking me for? What is your situation? Are you a pastor’s wife dealing with some of these issues? How can I pray for you?
Kim
I’m thanking you for taking a stand for the good pastors and for explaining how people can be when the pastors are doing the right thing by taking a stand and weeding out the bad. I suppose I took offense to Louise’s comment because it came across to me that she quite possibly has never been in a pastoral position to experience what all comes with doing what God wants the way God wants it. Sadly, there are some pastors who fear their congregation more than they fear God. I’m so thankful my pastor husband is not one of those. And we are blessed to be in a loving and prayerful faith family right now in our ministry.
Rachelle,
I took a little bit of offense to that as well. As if standing for what is right and calling the ungodly people out is going to be all good and smooth and with difficulty. A pastor can stand up and call out and confront the ungodly people trying to be divisive and draw people away from the church are not going to be there anymore because you use church discipline. This has been really difficult as one of those doing that is a former pastor. You would think a retired pastor would not do such things. I can’t imagine spending your entire life in the ministry and then being a key player in trying to split a church over personnel matters. I want to shout out to people, if you know the Jesus I know, it will not matter if a certain personality does not work at the church anymore because I go to church to worship my Savior not the pastor or associate pastor. Watching some of these ministers build their own earthly kingdoms is really disheartening. It breaks my heart to see christian follow a person like that. Not come to church because someone is not there? Basicly they are boycotting God and what He did on the cross for them in solidarity for a person. Any minister worth his/her salt would be thankful that what they spent their life building and ministering to still remains when they are not there or gone. Ministers/Pastors that step aside and leave their ego at the door are few and far between nowadays.
Kim, the ministry is a battle between good and evil. Jesus even fought the battle, therefore, making an example for us. Unfortunately, I believe “Christians” as a whole have lost the fear of the Lord. The devil has been so subtle in making people think the ministry is about them to some degree. It never was and never will be about us to any degree. It is all about the Lord Jesus, therefore, we must die to ourselves and our flesh and live through His power and desires. It’s a life of humility.
I’m sorry you are experiencing problems with a former pastor and the people who follow Him. Know that the Lord will work in this situation and leave the correction and vengeance to Him. Be fearful and faithful to Him in all humility.
Rachelle,
You are very true. We are finding that christians also not only do not fear the Lord but do not want to submit to any spiritual authority. Sometimes I have to just steer clear of those people. This is not even the worst thing to happen to us in the ministry. We had a woman spit in my husbands face taking up another minister’s defense without knowing the truth. That truth was sexual misconduct with teenagers. It is amazing to me how many people jump to others defense without even knowing the truth. What would happen if we all had that same passion about the offenses we see every day slung at our Saviour and belief in him?