I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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506 Comments
As a Preachers kid, I learned about the expectations of others at a very very young age. It has always made me hold myself to a higher standard. I understood my actions were and are a direct reflection of my dad, or so that is what is the belief of the members. I still hold to the standards of doing my best to not bring disgrace to his position. I know the expectations of others are not always fair, but I feel that if we do everything we can to bless our Fathers ministry we will be greatly rewarded for our efforts.
Thank you Kim. I guess I am reticent to post about my journey for fear the focus will be on me. Still, I realize that some people may be encouraged by my progress and struggles. I may say something occasionally.
Excellent comment Kim! You do know that the Lord has revealed this to you because you have opened up your heart in a way that most Christians still struggle to do. Your comment is an example of true Christianity & compassion & above all maturity in the Lord.
Have some time to spend with the Kids… Appreciate them….Discipline them as the same way we discipline the other children… Pastors Children are also equally privileged, responsible and given care as the other children in the church . Let there be a balance between Authority and fellowship with our children. Let the children know the priority and responsibility. Let them have balance between faith and commonsense.
I’m a little disappointed in the tone of some of the comments. So, I will keep mine short and simple. We are all sinners and fall short whether we are 8 or 80. Being raised a pastor’s kid, I saw the church with unique eyes. For every person who wanted me to be perfect, there were 50 who wanted me to be happy. We were wonderfully loved and blessed by the people in our church – even those who followed the children should be seen and not heard philosophy. At the church I attend, the congregation sees all the kids as belonging to all of us. If they hurt, we hurt. If they need loving correction, it is given – in that way – lovingly. Hearing their giggles and voices raised in praise – even off key – is a blessing. Just as no one expected perfection from me – we don’t expect it from them.
Amen to that Janice, well said! Totally agree!
How about, “Don’t get angry if my children ask hard questions in Sunday school and won’t accept pat answers.” I am a pastor’s kid, and honestly, I just asked harder questions because I wanted to know more, since I was raised with the church as my entire life. It threw adults off, and they sometimes thought I was being disrespectful. Truthfully, I just really wanted to know more.
My husband Rock & I are both Pastors with 3 grown children. We have been served at the same church for over 20 yrs. 2 of 0ur children walked away from the church because they have seen how harshly we have been treated and the judging of them when they were younger. Our youngest son is 19 and still attends with us. Our middle child, which is our oldest son, even though he will not come to church, will allow us to bring his children. I continue to remind our people that these 2 precious children I bring are ages 6 & 11 and must allow them to be and act their ages. They are not “super spiritual” because we are their grandparents. They are children and want to be loved and accepted like every other child that walks through our doors. I’m praying my older children will re-connect with Jesus soon.
I am so grateful for the church God has allowed me to serve in for the past 13 years as my three children have been treated with a ton of love and grace. I have at times had to ask people to be tougher on my kids! I pray that the love and grace of Christ will take hold of all of God’s church and people that all children are loved as He desires.
My dad is a Pastor, and me too is a pastor now, but my older sister and brother are has a worse testimony… i like no 1, we can over expecting in PKs, but don’t under estemate…
The problem with preacher kids starts when they have to play with Deacon’s Kids. I was a DK.
I was very proud of the fact that my Dad was a Deacon and later became a Preacher myself ,my children didn’t seem to mind. They turned out very well and made me very proud .
I agree with everything except – if you don’t mind being called a PK, it’s ok, too 🙂 Just as my last name identifies me as a part of my father’s family, my perspective on being a PK was quite positive, unlike some. It’s a fact about me just like any other. A doctor’s son is not designated as a DS, but he might be proud of being the son of someone as accomplished as a doctor. If you are proud of your profession, your children will be proud of you. It’s all about taking back what has been a negative term and re-creating it into a positive. So many people said “PK” with love that the negative folks just don’t bother me.
Our children were born into my husband’s ministry, but we’ve been very careful to ensure that those around us clearly understand that that is his calling, not mine or our children. We don’t mind the reference of pk because it’s the position they hold, not who they are. It’s my husband and I responsibility to raise them to be well mannered and respectful children. We are also responsible to guide them to become all that God had called them to be. We recognize that they will make their mistakes, just as we will make parenting mistakes and others should recognize this as well.
When we support them as they pursue their interest or extracurricular activities, don’t judge us as parents and them as children because they show interest in something outside of church just like your own children, yet you feel that their/my every waking moment should be at the church. Remember, it’s their father/my husband’s calling.
I do not profess to be an expert in this area. What I’ve seen in our home after 18 years of ministry and raising our teenage children to know that they have to develop their own relationship with God, that we inherently want to do right and if we listen to them, guide and support them, they will.
Correct them when they do wrong. Encourage them when they do right. And never cease to lift them up in your prayers. At times ministry can be extremely challenging for the adults and children involved.
Thank you and God bless.
Hello, I am a pastor’s daughter, currently 16 years old. My parents have been in the ministry for about 5 years. Thanks to God, my sister, brother, and I have been raised in church since birth and my parents have taught us well. Something I have noticed specifically about “PKs” is that they tend to be the most rebellious. Yes, we are human and just like everyone else there should always be correct discipline. I may be wrong but I feel as if most pks tend to be that way because they are always on the spotlight, people judging. Also we have to give up a lot of the things like our time to the church although I know I give it and do for God. Despite all of that I think there is a key to reduce the rebelliousness (if that is a word) and I think that a pastor and his wife should always dedicate a separate time for the family. Sometimes issues or normal things can add stress and tension. For teenagers it may be difficult to understand. As long as you dedicate time for your children, it will help a lot. Also recognizing that at home you are mom and dad… AND at church you are pastors. Also what helped me is that my parents never made it about religion but rather a relationship with God. The “pk” will learn to appreciate God’s wonders by allowing them to grow that relationship with God rather than just shoving it in their mouths. I am giving this testimony by experience because that is what my parents did for my siblings and I and for that reason is why I am the person I am today. Yes, like all teenagers I will sin and do things that I should not but I feel like I have a commitment with God and not christianity. Besides, how can you pasture a church when you are not doing well with your family. Themministry starts at home… not in a temple. I hope this has helped. Coming from a teenage girl who is still learning and growing.
I must brag on the members of the 3 churches my dad was pastor to…..they were good to me and my brother. I only have ONE negative memory of a church member being unkind to me. And as for number 7, I know without a doubt, he would have choosen ME!