I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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507 Comments
I’m a PK. To other PKs I would add, don’t let treatment of church members or what you end up knowing about them give you an excuse to rebel, act offended, or act like you are owed more because you feel ‘mistreated’. You are still as responsible to God as any other kid, no more, but certainly no less.
What’s up with #4? It’s kinda hard to get anybody to take you serious on that one, when you just used the term four times in seven questions in reference to pastors’ children.
I am a “PW” and have two girls. They have experienced all 7 in two churches we served in previously. They would say we were goldfish in a fish bowl. I knew we were being called to the right church when my youngest daughter (3 yrs old) decided at our trial weekend meet and greet that she wanted to be a snake and slither on the floor. I was mortified and was trying my hardest to keep my cool and try to coax her to get up. Several of the middle age to senior adults told me to let her be because she was just being herself. It was in that moment I knew this church would LOVE my girls just like they did all the other children in the church. We are three years in and nothing has changed. My girls get to blend in just like they should!
All teens rebell! Don’t expect for a PK or minister’s child to be different. We are all human and fall short.
I’m a PK and this is spot on.
Your article is on target and well-written. I would like to point out that not all pastors are men. The expectations placed upon a child should not be different because the child’s mother or father is a pastor.
I would add as a adult PK….we never had a vacation I could remember when my dad did not get called back early so we had to cut our well deserved and very much needed vacation short. Some our vacations even got cancelled due to something happening with the church. As a child I always felt like our family was way down the list of importance and as a teen I became bitter towards the church I hate to admit.
Don’t take advantage of teen pk’s. They often get overused by other church members for babysitting, cleaning services, etc, without being paid fairly for how good a job they did. Or they just automatically get forced into doing something they don’t wanna do or don’t know how to do, just because they are a pk, and the members expect them to serve their every need like they expect the Pastor to do.
I so agree with this because I lived it. The things I’ve done for church members…
Don’t expect my kid to know the Bible and Bible stories any more/better than any other kid their same age in SS or youth group.
Teachers and Church leaders need to always make sure to give PKs the same attention in the SS class and youth group as all other children. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that because they belong to the pastor that all their spiritual needs are met and it just automatically clicks in their little minds. Hold them to same standards and give them the same attention!
My response is simple…. Just because they’re Pastor’s children don’t make them any different than any other child. They have their own names & personality’s.
First I would like to say I like this article.
I grew up as a pastors kid and all 7 are very true. Everytime I would introduce myself (even still as an adult) and tell who my dad was or that I am a Pk I would get the same response (ohhhh you most be bad or naughty you are a PK!?!?)
“Yes I am a PK but I’m not any worse than your kids I am just expected to be better!”
I would like to add that
1)pastors kids are not teachers or guides for other peoples children.
2) as a church member or church goer do not scoff when a PK says they can not do or go somewhere because it’s a rule and they are not allowed to participate all you do is cause strife and confusion in that child’s mind.