I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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A letter my 34-year-old PK son wrote his father this past Father’s Day:
“Dad,
Happy Father’s Day. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for taking me to San Antonio when you recorded the last Dietz Brothers album. I gained your passion for music on that trip. Thank you for renting scooters in Red River and taking the difficult road to Goose Lake. You showed me adventure and that risk leads to reward. Thank you for always taking others in to our home and loving them like you loved me. You showed me not to be self-centered, but love selflessly. Thank you for your endless friendships growing up, like the Griffins, the Coffmans, the Forrests, the Chavez, the Hattons and so many others who not only went to church, but lived passionately for Jesus. You showed me that iron sharpens iron and that passion must be stirred up to remain alive. The most important life-lesson you taught me was at the age of ten, when you pulled me aside in the church hall after someone else had scolded me for running and they told me I needed to make a good impression for my father. You sought me out and simply told me then, “I make my own reputation, and you will never affect it by what you do. You will make your reputation by who you are. Don’t worry about how it will hurt me, because it can’t.” In that moment, you gave me identity, freedom and permission. I love you for it all.”
There are very few parents in this world who have to bring their kiddos to their job every week. One thing that I find very troubling is the number of adults who are ready to judge PKs when it’s obvious that the pastor is BUSY doing their job. Often times the spouse also has a job to do in the church as well and has to juggle the job of kid watching/ serving. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we as church members volunteered to help watch the kids so pastors can get back to focusing on the Sunday service and congregation? I guess that is similar to the idea of encouraging those PKs.
I grew up in a pastors’ home under a father that ministered for 50 years….. now all my siblings are serving the Lord faithfully in their God given areas of work, and church involvement. Wanna know what was the key to this? We observed of both our parents behind closed doors at home EXACTLY what was observed in public behind the pulpit! That’s what did it!
Not sure this was mentioned, but as a pastor’s child I encountered this. Treat a child’s mother WELL. Nothing will hurt a child’s view of the church more than their mother being ostracized, treated poorly, etc. The glass house thing goes for the whole family and being a minister’s wife is probably the hardest of all the roles.
All –
I’m really enjoying your discussion. I think I have approved every comment that has been made. But we have now had two comments on the pastor gender issue, one from each perspective. I have seen some of my other posts detoured with this debate. I am respectfully requesting you stay on topic — pastor’s children. Thank you.
As a pastors daughter and now the wife of someone who works in ministry and I myself work for a youth pastor. My husband and I have 2 beautiful grown daughters. I would add, as our beautiful babies grow up. And become teens, ALLOW them to rebel just like every other teen. That’s all.
The Scripture does teach, if you desire this office, you must be a husband tone (1) wife. One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity. 1 Timothy 3rd chapter. For if a man know not how to rule his own house , how shall he take care of the house o God?
We can not leave scripture out when deciding matters of Bishops, Pastors, and Deacons. We check the Word in all situations. The Word is of no private interpretation.
So many people in church’s put more pressure on the pastor’s children than they should. It isn’t the fault of the children that their dad or mom were called into full time ministry. I have a son who was very inquisitive when he was young, and still is. I remember a deacon coming up to me in front of several other people and chewed on me because my son had just lowered the flag and as quickly raised it again. I’m not sure why church people especially those who are Deacons/Elders require more of the pastors’ children than their own. As I recall the deacon who chewed on me about my own child had no children in church. I agree there need to be some boundaries but don’t place impossible boundaries on our children especially when they are young and don’t expect more out of the PK’s than other children in the church.
It has always bothered me that people, including the minister, their spouses and children, address the spouses and children of the minister as the Preacher’s Wife or the Preacher’s Kids. They are the wife of the minister or children of the minister. They belong to God and not owned by the Preacher.
By the same token, the staff’s children should not be “off limits” to correction. If they are out of line, they are out of line. That does not mean they should not “play” and they should always be “serious” and “perfect”. It does mean that if a member sees something going on with them, they should not be afraid to speak lovingly to the parents, like they would to ANY OTHER MEMBER. And the staff should not assume their kids would never do (fill in the blank). They can and they will … because they are KIDS. And kids do stupid, immature things. They also do amazing things. And just as we would talk to any parent about their child’s misbehaviour, we should also BRAG on those children, both “staff” kids and every kid… parents often hear only bad things, and not good things. Even Pastor’s kids do good, believe it or not.
Growing up as a PK was its own special kind of hell. Sometimes I’m surprised myself and my siblings didn’t come out of the whole thing hating church. I did have a few years where I stopped going to church because of this, but I’m thankful God wasn’t done with me. God used my experiences to better equip me for my current position- working with students. But I did have to leave my dad’s church before I could step out of that shadow and really do anything for God.
Great Article!