I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
More from Thom
507 Comments
These same principles can hold true for the pastor’s wife. I’ve lived in a glass house for 30+ years, with many unrealistic expectations placed on me. As my years in the ministry and my age has advanced, I’ve gotten bolder and more assertive. However, some church members can still get my goat!
Thanks for posting this! I am a “pk”, & it was hard growing up. Even as a wife of 20 years with 5 children of my own, I’m still held to a different, higher standard. It’s hard to get people to understand that my dad was called to the ministry, not me; I’m a Christian looking to him for guidance just like everyone else.
Parishioners aught to remember that Pastors are human too and they do make mistakes. You know what the saying is “Don’t judge someone till you have walked a mile in their shoes” I am learning that.
I grew up Jewish in a very orthodox synagogue. I became a Christian 12 days after I married and 50 weeks later so did my Jewish wife. I was called to ministry after we had our 3 boys. I have served as a missionary visiting churches to fill pulpits to promote our work. Our kids were boys who had ants in their pants. It was hard. We have a developmentally disabled son who always posed challenges. Despite the constant criticism we received for any perceived misdemeanour our boys accepted Messiah as saviour. Two are now married to believers. That all 3 came out the other side as I call it still following The Lord is a testimony to God, not me, my wife and certainly not some, a small handful of some, who tore us up instead of building us up today I pastor a church plant. My disabled son is with us still hecis accepted. We survived. Lord willing others will as well!
Parents are called; children are placed. My parents served for 30 years in a rescue mission where dad worked 24/7 trying to win men to the Lord. When i went off 600 miles to a small bible college, i realized my parents had their own ministry. For a long time i had very negative feelings about dad working so much; he was never around for me. I had a revelation one day, What doeth it profit a man if he win the whole world, and loose he own children…so i quit. I’ve worked 3 jobs..all in secular business; the last 15 years in retail. But when i come home, my wife & children get ALL my attention. Dad had a great ministry, but i was ONLY placed in that place.
As pastors, we are human just as our children are human. We have priorities and protecting our children is high on that list. We let our children know that they came first, even before the church. Some of you may not agree with this, but just realize that God made the family before there was ever a church. When we took a pastorate, we made it abundantly clear that our children were not hired along with us, and answered to us alone. We asked parents and grandparents if they would want their children and grandchildren treated the way pastor’s children had been treated in the past. Of course they said no. It really helped to open their eyes and helps them to see your children as just other kids. Boundaries have to be set at the very beginning. If the church body knows this is all done with a heart of love, then you will have a healthy relationship.
Understand that many Pastor’s kids struggle with knowing how to be genuine. Even under the best of circumstances, they are in the sight of everyone all the time, and feel they have a role to fulfill. Even when they want to do serve God, doing even the most basic things without trying please people, just trying to please God, can be incredibly hard. You can make a huge difference if they feel that you love them unconditionally.
Also understand that many of them have seen people they love betray their parents, some have taken it personally, and it can be hard for them to trust you. Don’t take this personally. If you are faithful, and pray for them, God can use you to be a great blessing to them.
Our experience has been the opposite of the post. People, especially youth leaders, wouldn’t offer our kids the same ministry care just because, “they are the preachers kids. They are fine.” They are good kids and work hard to be faithful, but what we do affects our kids. What is my teenager supposed to think when he hears his youth director recruiting youth to come to church and vote against their dad?
I think preachers kids have a harder time than other kids in church and they are taken for granted much of the time.
The reason the pastor’s kids are so bad….. They have to play with the saints kids…….lol
I would like to thank you for writing this. I am a pastors kid and have had conversations with my pastor parents about this very subject. I also really appreciate the fact that you said not to label pastors kids as pk’s.
I don’t know if anyone is still reading because of the plethora of comments, but if I might add this last one. “Please don’t give my child absolute attention over others in the church. I would hate for anyone to get the impression that our family is always first and the most important. We appreciate the encouragement and love though. Could be good intentions there, but often abused.”
Loved reading all of these comments – and was excited about the blog. My father has been the pastor of the same church for 38 years. I agree with all 7 points and could add tons more. I have experienced all of the stress and pressures that are associated with being a “PK”. At the same time, I had a front row seat and experienced amazing things being under the ministry roof. My parents taught me to love God and to love people. They taught me hospitality and compassion. I think the main thing I would like to emphasize is the importance of Pastors spending downtime with their kids and setting boundaries with the church people. The stress and pressure does not go away as I age. In fact, I feel more stress now that he has had to slow down due to age and sickness. The worry has now shifted to exit strategies and the family’s role when he can no longer pastor. There is no prouder feeling than when people stop us all over town and either thank him for something he did for their family, visiting them in the hospital, or, most importantly, leading them to The Lord. I was not “called” into the ministry – I was born into it. Thank you for this blog topic. Pastor’s kids definitely need support groups!