I was serving a church in St. Petersburg, Florida, when it hit me hard. One of my young children had playfully fallen on the floor in the foyer after a worship service. A deacon in the church came up to me and spoke forcefully: “You need to tell your kid to get up. Pastors’ children aren’t supposed to act that way.”
My internal emotional reaction was carnal. I’m just glad I held my tongue. I was really mad. I can still remember my thoughts: “How dare this man hold my young son to a standard different than other kids! My boy really didn’t cause any harm. He was just being playful.
I recently conducted a Twitter poll of pastors and their spouses about this very issue. Though the poll was informal and not scientific, the responses were nevertheless fascinating. Here are the top seven responses in order of frequency. A representative comment or combined comments are given with each of the seven.
- Don’t expect more out of pastors’ kids (PKs) than any other kids. “My children need to have the same expectations as the other children in the church. They are not some kind of spiritual superstars because their dad’s a pastor.”
- Please offer encouragement to my children. “It’s not always easy to be a PK. The glass house thing is real. I am so thankful for the church members who go out of their way to encourage my children.”
- Realize that they are kids. “I know a few church members who seem to think my kids are miniature adults. They expect them to act like a 40 year old instead of a 4 year old.”
- Please don’t call them “PKs.” “Their identities should not be based on their father’s vocation. They have their own unique and special identities.”
- Please pray for my children. “I am blessed to have this one lady in my church who prays for my three children every day. She knows the special challenges of being a PK.”
- Our kids see and hear more than you may think. “After one particularly tough church business meeting, my seven-year-old boy asked me if I was going to get fired.”
- Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church. “Too many PKs have grown up bitter and disillusioned about the church. Dad gave more attention to church members than his own children.”
What do you think about these seven challenges? What would you add? What have your experiences been?
Posted on June 5, 2013
With nearly 40 years of ministry experience, Thom Rainer has spent a lifetime committed to the growth and health of local churches across North America.
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507 Comments
I just wonder if God is as upset over little boys running in church as we are.
It is tough being a missionary’s kid too! I think one dif is MK’s are away from all the “religious & judgmental” people for most of the time. On the other hand MK’s face real hardship, if you know what I mean.
I think part of the problem arises whenever two parents are involved in ministry before and/or after church and the kids run unattended. The is a time and season for everything and somebody needs to keep their eyes on the kids. Too many times kids run rampant through a building and do whatever they want. Maybe a solution is someone designated to watch over them while the parents finish their ministries. Nobody’s kids should be running around unattended; doesn’t matter who they belong to. There will be a season when both parents can both be involved at the same time but if kids have behavior issues, someone needs to be holding down the fort; pastor or no pastor.
My dad used to tell the church. Remember when you come complaining about my child getting in trouble, it is your kids they are hanging out with.
I myself am a preachers daughter, as well as a granddaughter on both sides, and I have 2 uncles that are preachers. I’m 19 here soon and maybe it’s just my ‘rebellious teenage years’ talking here but I don’t think we should really be held at a difference standard. I’ve made PLENTY of mistakes in my life, so it isn’t like we are a sort of hybrid children or christians. We’ll screw up just like everyone else, but what we need is to know when can ask elders at the church (like the deacons *cough cough*) to help us when we need it without feeling like later one of them will be going around saying something like “Did you hear what Austin did? She is the preacher’s daughter too!”
What kind of house for healing would that be if even the kids were under attack?
Having your parent in Christian leadership does not make you automatically more spiritual, or your life less challenging spiritually speaking. In fact, sometimes just the opposite. The child of a Christian leader must come to faith just like anyone else. They must wrestle with their own doubts and insecurities. Their lives will be severely tested – maybe even more so because of their parents service to Jesus. These kids can be afraid to share the reality of their spiritual journey with anyone, especially someone in their own church. This can leave them feeling isolated and hopeless. They are afraid people will think poorly of their parent. They know they cannot live up to the unrealistic standard set for children of Christian leaders.
Being raised as a ‘PK’, I had some MAD resentment towards my parents and the church for expecting too much from me. I was helping lead kids church when I should have just been in it. At 11, I was helping with the youth department when I wasn’t even old enough to be IN the youth group. One lesson you pick up pretty quick: when you’re a pastors kid, it doesn’t matter what department or ministry asks you for help, you don’t say no.
The early teen years are when most kids go through their hardest times. I was no different. As I look back now, I think I was the most unstable youth in the church, and no one had any idea. They tell you when you have an issue to talk to an adult you can trust, like a pastor or school counsellor. But when your father is your youth pastor and he works with the school counsellor to help kids out, who was I supposed to turn to then?
By the time I was 13, we were living on the church property. Both literally and figuratively. At 15, I was in charge of worship for the youth service, youth service production, main service production, the drama team, the youth Bible study, and all youth events. And my homework had to be done, too.
Monday night was drama practice.
Tuesday night was band practice.
Wednesday night was youth service.
Thursday night was youth leaders meeting.
Friday night was Bible study.
Saturday was main service practice.
Sunday was main services.
That’s a lot to throw at a teenager. So why didn’t the youth pastor help? The senior pastor left due to health reasons, so until we could get a new lead pastor, my dad, the youth pastor, had to take over temporarily. Him and my mom has a lot on their plates too. And like I said, when someone needs help, you can’t say no. Even if you have nothing else to give. At 14, the only friends I had were the people I went to church with. We didn’t really have much in common, but we spent so much time together, I just assumed we all liked each other.
I found out later that they all but hated me.
People in the church would complain about my clothes and how I sometimes looked like I was going to fall asleep in the middle of the service. The first time I ever painted my nails black, it caused some huge scandal. I struggled to keep my grades from falling and jumped through hoops to keep everything at the church going smoothly.
Stressed to a breaking point with no one to talk to, I began to self-harm. It was the only way to make sure I could keep myself focused enough to not let anyone see that I wasn’t in a good place.
Like any other addiction, I got used to the small, shallow wounds I’d inflict upon myself. I started to do it more. The cuts started getting deeper. They got harder to hide.
At 16, my mother discovered my secret and we had…. quite a conversation. That year, the church found a couple to take over the senior pastorship that my dad was filling in for. They didn’t like us. They didn’t know what all we did to contribute to the church. They let us go.
We moved out of the church staff house. We moved out of town. And I stopped cutting. Again, as with all addictions, It took some time to get to a point where I could stop, but I did.
1) If you absolutely positively have to expect something from a pastor’s kid, expect them to be a kid.
2) Before you ask for someone else’s time, make sure its because you really need help and not just because you don’t want to do it. Even when they say “no, its not too much!” Or “no, its not a problem!” It still might be too much or a problem. Chances are they are just being polite.
3) Remember that, before you start making all sorts of demands or requirements of your pastor, they have a life and a family too. Don’t take them away from that.
4) Just because something offends you doesn’t make it a big deal. Mind your own business about things that are relatively unimportant.
5) Don’t forget that the older kids are still kids and are just as affected by their parents title as smaller kids are.
6) If you see someone struggling, help them out. Don’t ask questions. Don’t wait for an explanation. Just do it. They’ll appreciate it.
Hello, I was reading some comments and I saw one that children should have boundrys at church. For me being a Pastors wife, the children that go to church with including our 4 kids.. In which in ages range from 1yrs old to adults. They sing, play music… I believe if u make any kids sit on a pew through the whole service they will not get anything out of the service… Every since my kids have be able to sit up I’ve always put something instrumental in their hands, from being a drum stick to letting play on the piano.. Now my oldest daughter is 17, plays the panio, guitar, drums, bass, and even writes christian songs, she serves The Lord with her whole heart. My 16 yr old son plays the bass, sings, guitar,and drums. My 13 yr old son plays the bass, piano,drums,lead guitar, reg guitar,.. My 8 yr old daughter sings, plays the drums, learning piano…. They other kids in the church sing, learning how to play intruments also…. If we don’t let the kids get in there and help, how will they know anything… The Children are the churches of today. The bible tells us to teach them. Sitting on a pew isn’t teaching them… Yes if they r just horsing around then that’s different… Look up our YouTube videos under Melinda Stamper there isn’t many but some… And u will be amazed at what our kids ( not just my kids) but all of the kids can do and they mean it from the bottom of their heart… Thanks
Children are welcome just like the others we want to come to church: As long as they act just like me, dress like me, worship like me, give like me, volunteer, talk, sing and are attractive, in shape, fashionable and smell as good as I do…come on in…and did I mention: God bless you! Now, if we can Jesus to be ‘just like me,’ church will be perfect!
ha ha ha ha @ Skeeter
I was ask one time WHY was I so mean, I told the deacon of the Church ” because I play with deacon’s Children…LOL…… I got in trouble for that remark I was a ” P K”
I think that parents, or responsible adults, should teach children proper behavior in Gods house and in public. I don’t think that PKs should be treated any better or any worse than any other child. From my observation I believe that the reason that fingers get pointed at PKs is because they sometimes don’t show the reverence to Gods house that they should. Being brought up as a PK, a lot of the kids live near to the church in a parsonage and they are in and out of the church on a daily basis and they become so accustomed to being there that the House of God is no longer sacred, it is an extension of their home. They don’t mean any harm, they are just very comfortable there. This is when the parents have to teach the kids that church is no place to play and is to be respected EVERY day of the week and even though there may not be church members present during weekday stop overs at the church, God is still present and He requires the same respect 24 hours a day.
The points listed in the article are real, and there are even more things that we (yes I am a PK) kids of clergy members have endured. One of the weirdest things I remember from growing up was that because my father was an associate pastor, when I brought up things about my dad the pastor or stuff about being a PK to my youth group or to people in the church, people would just so, oh he’s an associate, he’s not a “real” pastor, and my questions and struggles would go unanswered and ignored. My father is one of the hardest working pastors I know and probably the most devoted guy out there. He definitely is a REAL pastor an I am a REAL PK. Dealing with that identity crisis growing up was weird. I was torn between people thinking I needed to be a pk sometimes and then others thinking I wasn’t. Later I learned it really doesn’t matter what they think, but at the time it was a big deal for my younger self! Don’t stress out those kiddos and give them identity issues. They will have enough of those on their own as they grow! Educate them, encourage them, envelop them into your ministries and develop their gifts and talents like we are called to do!